November 20, 2007
why didn’t you say anything?
A few months back, I had a nice e-mail from a woman named Margaret Renkl; she was writing a story about parents who had struggled with medicating their children for various psychiatric conditions, and she wanted to know if I would talk with her. She had found me through a comment I had left at Judith Warner’s New York Times blog, Domestic Disturbances, on a post about medicating kids with ADHD (comment number 77, if you’re curious). I said yes, I would be happy to talk with her. We e-mailed back and forth, and this month, Margaret’s article appeared in Parenting Magazine. You can read it here.
Margaret asked for a photo of Henry and me, to go with the article; I forgot to take any, and so on a random Monday afternoon, I gave Charlie the camera and he took the picture of us that appears in the magazine, the one at the top of this post. I wanted to send this photo instead, but I didn’t because it was so obvious that I took it myself. But I love it anyway.
In the past couple of weeks, some of you have e-mailed me to say, “I was in the doctors office and I picked up a magazine and THERE YOU WERE!” You have all said how nice the article is, how balanced and fair, and I agree, absolutely. Some of you have said, “I had no idea about your son.” You have said other incredibly nice things, too, and for that I thank you.
The other day, Chris asked why I hadn’t written about the article; I had some lame answer, but the truth is this: I don’t really know what to say. My son has ADHD; he has been on and off medication. We have tried a lot of things, and some have worked, while others haven’t. He is doing well now, for the most part, well enough that it is easy some days to forget that he’s not like other kids.
In the end, I think maybe that’s it.
Earlier this year, an essay I wrote about having Henry diagnosed was included in a book; it took my copies months to arrive, and when they finally did, they got tossed on the hall table and forgotten. One night, Henry picked one up and asked about it, and Wade showed him the essay, and Henry read the title, Knowing Henry, and said, “Is that about ME?” And Wade said yes, it is, and Henry came running to me with the book, asking if I would read the story about him. No, I said, not now.
“But what does it say?” he asked. “What is it about? It’s about me!”
“Sort of,” I told him. “But it’s more about me. About what it was like for me when you were a baby.”
“Oh,” he said, “what was it like?”
I don’t really know how to tell him what it was like, what it is like, to be his mother, to find so much joy in his personality and his presence. I don’t know how to explain that people think his story is special enough to want to have in a book and in a magazine. And I don’t know what it is about MY story that makes it special, either.
I am never sure how people will react when I say, “My son has ADHD.” So sometimes, I just don’t say anything, because I would rather they think I am a bad mother than think that something is wrong with my child. But I also think it’s important to speak up and speak out and change the minds of people who assume that kids with quirky personalities or developmental disorders or mental illnesses are walking proof that their parents are failing them. It’s a hard thing to say sometimes, and I am grateful to Margaret Renkl for giving me the chance to be part of her incredible article.
In the end, I think that’s what I wanted to say.
Posted by Susan @ 8:41 pm • thinking about the weather, other places
RSS feed for comments on this post.
TrackBack URI
November 20th, 2007 at 9:11 pm, daysgoby Says:
Your boys are beautiful. And their clever Momma is beautiful too.
November 20th, 2007 at 9:31 pm, Marti Says:
Nice going, mama. I’m proud of you.
November 20th, 2007 at 9:55 pm, Marti Says:
My entire family has ADHD. Holidays are fun.
November 20th, 2007 at 11:21 pm, Catherine Says:
With the title of the post, and the pic, I thought maybe you were going to ask us why we hadn’t mentioned that you & Henry have the same glasses frames. Like maybe you had never noticed and why didn’t we tell you?
Lovely post. You do important work, educating the rest of us.
November 20th, 2007 at 11:30 pm, All Adither Says:
I think it’s important to speak out (if we’re comfortable) about the things that matter to us. My son is navigating the world of food allergies (along with the rest of the family) and I often have to hold myself back from blabbing that fact to everyone I meet. It’s almost a compulsion I feel to educate people about it, but at the same time, I don’t want my son to think that his food allergies are the most important aspect of him.
Sounds like you’re doing a good job of balancing things.
November 21st, 2007 at 2:20 am, Blythe Says:
I’d had the magazine for a week or two and just picked it up the other night. When I saw the article I thought, “There’s my friend Susan from the internet! She is sitting in her new sun room on the furniture her husband chose.” And then I thought yes, I have officially become a STALKER and should step away from the laptop.
You were well-spoken as usual and your humanness and love for your kids was, as always, fully evident. And the photo is adorable.
November 21st, 2007 at 7:32 am, jm Says:
You rock. And you’re a wonderful mama. And Henry and Charlie are awesome kids who will benefit from having such a wonderful mama.
November 21st, 2007 at 8:08 am, Heather B. Says:
Henry is good people and his mother is pretty awesome as well.
November 21st, 2007 at 8:30 am, christine Says:
I do much better now. Much.
Yet, in the beginning, turning in the antidepressant prescription for my eight-year-old … it still kills me to type it and say it out loud.
What is worse than that, however, was my daughter without the medical and emotional help she needed.
Still. It is hard.
November 21st, 2007 at 11:37 am, blackbird Says:
Hmmm…another thing we have in common.
I’m about 15 years ahead of you, but I’ve felt the same things.
November 21st, 2007 at 12:10 pm, Tricia Says:
I think of ADHD as part of who my kids are not what’s wrong with them. It helps my perspective. Probably helps that I’ve got a touch of it myself…
November 21st, 2007 at 1:17 pm, Kate Says:
What I want to know, is why YOU didn’t US that you are pretty AND talented. WHY, Susan? WHY?
November 21st, 2007 at 1:29 pm, Helen Says:
Here’s another look at the ADHD brain:
http://health.usnews.com/articles/health/2007/11/12/adhd-brains-might-need-more-growing-time.html
Our 16 year old daughter has been on medication for ADHD since 2nd grade and I believe it was the best choice for our child, but there are no easy answers.
This may sound harsh, but I think of this diagnosis as a handicap and treat my daughter just as I would if she had a visible handicap. I wouldn’t expect a paralytic to get up and walk and I don’t expect my child to easily focus and sit still without some accommodation. I consider it part of my job as a parent to help her to reach her full potential, using whatever is necessary - including medication, therapy and loving encouragement.
As parents, we try to take each day as it comes and do what you’re already doing so well - loving your children for the wonderful people they are and advocating for them when they can’t do it on their own.
November 21st, 2007 at 1:49 pm, Kian Says:
This is going to sound strange but I *wish* my son had ADHD. Or *only* ADHD. He has ODD. Oppositional Defiant Disorder. No medications for it, no cure for it, no outgrowing it. To say it makes daily life incredibly difficult is a gross understatement. Somedays are truly unbearable.
But life goes on and there are always cute shoes and clothes and the internet to distract me
The article is great and so are you, as usual.
November 21st, 2007 at 1:53 pm, Sherri Says:
Thank-you for sharing your story. We had our youngest son finally diagnosed this year with a variety of processing disorders and the learning disabilites that are all interconnected. When you are going through all these meetings and appointments and second guessing decisions, it is very easy to feel that your family is the only one going through these difficult times. Reading stories such as yours helps the rest of us to stop and breath and feel - not so alone.
November 21st, 2007 at 2:46 pm, Lisa Milton Says:
You don’t walk alone; many of us are on the journey with you.
It sounds like his infancy was really tough.
He looks so happy in the picture with you, healthy too.
I think you are doing GREAT.
November 21st, 2007 at 5:44 pm, Jamie Says:
Those eyes…he has really happy eyes. What a great pic of the two of you.
November 21st, 2007 at 7:29 pm, Angella Says:
What a great post, Susan.
I know little to nothing about ADHD, but I applaud you for telling your story so that people like me can understand it better.
And that people who are in the same situation know that they are not alone.
November 22nd, 2007 at 4:12 am, Neil Says:
I have family members with adult ADHD. At first they was nervous about telling others, but the minute they did, it was as if everyone came out of the closet. I think in these days with every other person on some sort of anti-depressant, these issues will soon get be acceptable and understandable as saying you have the flu. It’s great that you share your experiences with others.
November 22nd, 2007 at 7:58 pm, BethanyWD Says:
I was so surprised to see your smiling face (and his, too) in the Parenting magazine. I wanted to comment on it (she DID do a wonderful job with the article), but I kept expecting you to write a short post on it, so I waited to comment. Your post here is also wonderful - your boys have a great mom!
November 23rd, 2007 at 7:01 pm, chris Says:
I understand exactly what you are saying. I don’t often talk about the ADHD in real life because people judge. They judge my parenting, they jusdge my choice to medicate (or not), they judge whether they think it is all made up. Afterall, he looks JUST FINE to them.
November 25th, 2007 at 2:33 pm, Shan Says:
I’m so excited to read the article–and check out the book, too. You are a fantastically talented writer so just the person to illuminate struggles like these–and to express joy in what a wonderful, sweet, and funny boy your child is, too. I’m a clinical psychologist, and I’m always glad to hear about or read real-life accounts of these kinds of things, to counter some of the stigma and sensationalism and misinformation in our society about psychological diagnoses and childhood developmental disorders. Henry will be just fine. He’s got an awesome family.
Oh, and had I randomly picked up that Parenting issue at the dentist or someplace, I too would have thought, “Hey, that’s my Internet friend Susan Wagner!” So you’ve got more than one stalker.
November 26th, 2007 at 12:45 pm, Kendra Says:
I’ve been really impressed with how you seem to handle all of this. I, too, read the article and meant to email you immediately. I don’t have quite the issues you do (adhd, etc.) but love that you deal with everything from kids to work with style and grace. I read here to maybe take a thing or 2 from you.
And laugh of course. And have a virtual drink or 2.
November 27th, 2007 at 6:58 am, Jen Says:
This is wonderful! I can’t wait to read it.