August 17, 2007
who are you and what have you done with my children?
I think every new parent should come home from the hospital with a bracelet engraved with expect the unexpected (or, alternatively, welcome to the new normal). Either way, the whole endeavor of raising people is one surprise after another, and it would be good to have a constant reminder of that. In fact, a bracelet may not do it; I think perhaps a gigantic tattoo would be better, like right across your forearm where you would see it EVERY SINGLE DAY and be constantly reminded that you have NO IDEA what’s coming next.
Instead, you have me and my children and our first week back in school as a cautionary tale.
Henry (who I have lain awake nights worrying about for, oh, SEVEN YEARS now) has slid fairly seamlessly into his new school. It’s not just that he hasn’t brought home any notes from the teacher or been sent to the principal’s office or been expelled, he has actually announced that he loves St. Somebody’s, except, he says, for TWO things: Mass and the uniform. Which pretty much sums up my Catholic school experience as well.
He goes happily and willingly to school in the mornings, and comes running to meet me at the end of the day with a huge smile and his arms flung wide to hug me. This, my son who didn’t hug anyone for nearly two years.
Yesterday at the end of the day, he had a little sticker on his shirt. “What’s that for?” I asked. “I got it for being QUIET,” he said.
I think the world may be ending.
On the other hand, Charlie, my even tempered, laid-back, happy-go-lucky boy, is a WRECK. This morning he sobbed hysterically for forty five minutes because he couldn’t decide what to eat for breakfast. And before you say “He’s five! Making choices is hard for him!” let me tell you that there really were no choices; we had waffles, and there is always cereal in the pantry. The end. Also he told me that it was “too hard” for him to say “May I please have . . . ” and that screaming “I WANT” was easier for his mouth.
Riiiiight.
I had expected, this week, that HENRY would fall apart and cry and scream (and I cannot lie, we’ve had a little of that) because OF COURSE this was going to be stressful for him. But really, he’s doing fine.
I NEVER thought Charlie would be such a mess.
So today I’m wondering what I should be doing differently, spending more time with Charlie or worrying less about Henry or drinking earlier in the day (okay, probably not that last one) but mostly I am just standing around with my mouth hanging open because just when I thought I had a grip on this parenting thing and knew what my individual children needed, they go and switch personalities and completely throw me off. Apparently, I don’t need other mothers to make me feel like a bad parent; my kids are doing a terrific job of that on their own. Or maybe it’s just that they really ARE out to get me.
Posted by Susan @ 8:00 am • just happy to be here, those damn kids
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August 17th, 2007 at 8:07 am, daysgoby Says:
Yikes! Invasion of the Baby Snatchers!
Cass has been exhibiting some of the five year old mealiness lately too - last night he didn’t want to pick up his bath toys because he might get bath water on him. (The ones he had just splashed around with. He was wearing a towel. Sigh.)
I’m pinning my hopes for sanity on the dog.
August 17th, 2007 at 8:07 am, chris Says:
You didn’t get a bracelet? I got one.
It said: You asked for it.
August 17th, 2007 at 9:00 am, Mark Says:
5 seems to be a tough age, caught between baby and kid. Mine is 5, and some days she is a holy terror, and some days sweet as can be. She hates change, it just stresses her to no end,
I pray that it gets better quickly for ALL of us.
August 17th, 2007 at 9:11 am, Liz Says:
Were you offended by the article written about you?? I can’t tell by your tone… I’m trying to decide if that was a quick-witted stab or not.
;
August 17th, 2007 at 9:23 am, Susan Says:
Liz, I loved Heather’s BlogHer post; I linked it because I think you ALL should read it. I think her point is fantastic: women should stop worrying about other women’s choices, because every family is different. What works for me may not work for you, of course, and no matter what we choose, it’s hard. Pointing the finger at other women doesn’t make it any better for me, it just isolates me from women who might be a really useful source of support.
To be serious here for a moment: my greatest moments of parental angst, of feeling like I am failing or flailing or whatever, don’t come from the judgments of other women. They come from moments when my sons are struggling and I’m not able to put my finger on what will help them. It doesn’t bother me when someone says, “We don’t do that at OUR house,” even when the tone clearly conveys that they think I am Wrong with a capital W; what breaks my heart is when one of my boys is falling apart because he is scared or overwhelmed or frustrated and nothing I do helps him.
I love Heather; I love her writing and her insight. That’s all.
Thank you for giving me the opening to say all of that.
August 17th, 2007 at 9:31 am, becky Says:
oh, you guys make me SO EXCITED to have this kid. thanks!!!!!
i know i’m in for a wild ride with lots of surprises. i’ll hopefully remind myself of that later. heh.
August 17th, 2007 at 9:57 am, Jordan Says:
Oooh. Hate it when that happens!
Hope he’s back to his old self once he’s more used to all the changes. I swear, just when you think you’ve sort of got it all well in hand…
August 17th, 2007 at 11:08 am, Heather Says:
the two i have in school were like that in kindergarten. it drove me insane. but it got better for us as they matured a little bit. five is a tough age.
August 17th, 2007 at 11:18 am, Heather Says:
i just read heatherb’s post. she’s an amazing writer! i fully agree, i’ve never understood the mom debates. breast vs. bottle, work vs. stay at home. the decisions that individual mothers make are for their family. who is anyone to tell them to do differently? working is hard, staying at home is hard, mothering is hard, period the end.
i’m on a message board, and every so often some mom will post about their struggles, and they always say how they are embarassed that they are struggling and to please not judge them. the replies are always, that’s me, too! i struggle with that, too!
no matter what kind of mother you are, we are more alike than different.
August 17th, 2007 at 11:22 am, Susan Says:
Heather, I just want to reach into the computer and hug you, if only for this: “no matter what kind of mother you are, we are more alike than different.”
Amen.
And thank you all for reminding me that five is hard; I needed that.
August 17th, 2007 at 11:31 am, Jen Says:
Five is hard.
The only thing I have to add is that the crying does, surely but slowly, start to disappear as they reach 8 and 9. But my ten year old was just in tears and he’ll be 11 this month, so you know, I don’t know if it ever entirely goes away.
August 17th, 2007 at 12:07 pm, Not The Mama Says:
Poor thing — both you and Charlie. Isn’t it amazing how they never do what you expect. Everytime you think you are ahead, they surprise you.
I hope Charlie adjusts soon. And I hope they don’t drive you insane in the meantime.
August 17th, 2007 at 12:35 pm, Crisanne Says:
I was gonna say how much I like the “expect the unexpected” bracelet idea and then I read chris’s reply and I have to say I like “you asked for it” even better.
You two crack me up every. single. day!!
August 17th, 2007 at 1:34 pm, Clara Says:
It always seems that just when we think we have them figured out they throw us for a loop. Fortunately, when we think we can’t take anymore, they kill us with cuteness and love and we remember why we hopped on this roller coaster of parenting. Hope Charlie has one of those moments soon and Henry keeps giving them to you in the meantime.
August 17th, 2007 at 2:58 pm, OMSH Says:
I’m sorry to laugh at your expense, but when I read that he said “…screaming “I WANT” was easier for his mouth.”, I nearly lost my drink all over the screen.
THAT is one I have yet to hear.
And I’ve heard plenty.
Give it another week. Each new experience has a settling period. They’ll settle.
In two weeks would you please share this same wisdom with me?
August 17th, 2007 at 8:15 pm, paige Says:
Hey there,
Kindergarten teacher here. Charlie sounds like an absolutely normal kindergartener who’s getting adjusted to school and the back to school routine.
It may take a week or two, but he will settle down and like school. Fives are emotional and sometimes get overwhelmed by their emotions and aren’t able to articulate exactly what they’re feeling. That’s when you get tantrum-like shrieking and defiant behavior. It will ease up as he develops through the year.
He (and you) really will be fine, I promise.
August 20th, 2007 at 12:22 am, Cathy Says:
I still have 2 more weeks at home with these three kids…. then the day after Labour Day, I am gonna relax (with the baby)
I am finally getting FPD on bloglines yay!
August 20th, 2007 at 11:55 am, Heather B. Says:
Wow, it’s like Monday and I just realized you linked that post and I read this post earlier and never noticed it.
It would be funny if I was capable of being quick witted, but I am not. And I’m glad you know that.
I think it’s interesting being able to see women as mothers after reading/hearing about their children and their parenting skills and others reactions. What baffles me even more is when women are judged on their parenting based on a blog post.
Having seen you and so many other ‘mommybloggers’ in action, I can say that I’ve never met one who isn’t a fantastic mother. Not only that, but I think many have feared that they’ve sent me running to get my tubes tied when in reality you and Chris and Amy and Sarah and Shana (and there are probably more) have made me wonder whether or not I’ll be as good of a mother as you all are.
The end.
August 20th, 2007 at 12:05 pm, Susan Says:
You will, Heather. Because being a good mother means loving your child and doing what is right for you and your child and whatever other family you have around you. And no matter what you choose it is incredibly hard, and also incredibly rewarding and wonderful and, sometimes, just plain fun.
There is no “right” way to do this mommy thing. The trick, I think, is to find what works for YOU, and to remember that women who do it differently do it that way because that’s what works for THEM.
But you already knew that, didn’t you?
August 20th, 2007 at 12:49 pm, gorillabuns Says:
heatherb will be a great mother because she’s concerned she won’t. recognizing motherhood issues and thinking and analyzing them is the first step towards a thoughtful mother. besides, she has a sense of humor. a sense of humor is a must in the arena. i can only imagine the fun she will have.
August 22nd, 2007 at 8:56 am, Stu Mark Says:
This post has been nominated by our readers for Hot Stuff Of the Week over at our site, GNMParents. Congrats, and good luck in the voting!
August 22nd, 2007 at 3:22 pm, Jessica Ashley (Sassafrass) Says:
This post has also been nominated for a Reality Check by your new bloggy gal pal Jessica Ashley at Sassafrass for reassuring me that I still have no idea what the hell I am doing after almost 3 years of parenting and a gazillion more of nannying and babysitting. You get a high five and a glass of wine! Woohoo!
I think my own child has caught a bit of this personality bug himself as he informed me this week that a) He does NOT want to go to kindergarten (in two years) and that kindergarten is weird and bad and 2) will daddy and mommy please go with him to the classroom at college because it is not good to go there alone. Oh la la. Clearly, his bracelet read, “Don’t try to get it because you will. never. get. it.”
August 23rd, 2007 at 5:58 am, Liz Says:
Sorry I am SO late in reading your response to my question up there — but thank you for clearing it up!
I am glad you were able to say all of that, too. And, of course it makes sense where your greatest angst comes from, I should have thought of that. 