August 27, 2007
through sheer dumb luck, we all survived the weekend
Friday night, was Bingo Night at the boys’ school; it was also the first Cub Scout meeting of the year. Charlie wanted to play bingo, and Henry wants to be a Cub Scout, so Wade and I agreed that we would divide the responsibilities: I would take bingo and Charlie and he would take Scouting and Henry. But then Friday came and Wade had a late meeting and didn’t leave his office until 6:45 and he was racing to meet us at school by 7:00. Meanwhile, Charlie had decided that maybe bingo wasn’t what he thought it was going to be and was waffling about going (by which I mean he spent the afternoon whining, “I don’t WANT to play bingoooooo”), while Henry was yelling “IS IT TIME FOR CUB SCOUTS YET? WHEN WILL IT BE TIME FOR CUB SCOUTS? CAN WE GO NOW?”
I had to keep reminding myself that cocktails and bingo night probably don’t mix.
I finally threw the boys outside and told them to run around for TEN MINUTES and then we would leave. Chris called and just as I was getting my shoes on, both kids came inside and started taking their shoes off. “Oh my god,” I said, “They’re ALL coming in the house!”
“Yes,” Chris said, “all TWO of them. Whatever will you do?”
“I have no idea!” I said. And she laughed at me because she has SEVEN and when HER KIDS all come in the house, well, that’s an issue. Also she has managed not to lose or kill anyone. Yet.
I got everyone to school, Wade met us there, Charlie had a really impressive meltdown because he didn’t like ANY of his options (which pretty much consisted of GO PLAY BINGO WITH MOMMY or GO HOME WITH MOMMY, although there was a brief offer of GO GET DINNER WITH DADDY because Daddy hadn’t eaten anything in like twelve hours but of course that wasn’t what Charlie wanted to do until it was too late to do that and THEN he wanted it). Wade was exhausted and was struggling to fill out Scouting forms (hesitating over things like “cell phone number” and “relationship to scout”) while Henry ran around outside with the rest of the new Tiger Cubs.
And then I reached the breaking point and announced, “I have had it with the crying. I’m taking Charlie home. RIGHT NOW.” And I may or may not have reminded Wade to bring Henry with him.
Charlie screamed the entire way home and was still screaming when we pulled in the driveway. Rachel called and I parked the car and got out so that I could hear her talk (although I think I did all the talking because I HAVE HAD IT WITH THE CRYING). She said, “But your kids are SO CUTE!”
And I may have said, “DO YOU WANT THEM???”
Wade called and said, “Okay, I’m going to swing by Arby’s and get something to eat.”
And I said something about getting Henry something too and he said, “ISN’T HENRY WITH YOU?”
And I said, “NO!”
And he said, “JESUS CHRIST!” and hung up.
We only have two, and somehow we had lost one. Awesome.
Wade called me back five minutes later to say that he had found Henry, who was wandering around the bingo hall, looking for us. “He’s fine,” Wade said. When they came home, after playing two games of bingo, Henry said, “I have something sad to tell you” and I thought he was going to say YOU ALL LEFT WITHOUT ME.
Instead, he said, “I played bingo but I didn’t win a prize.” Phew.
* * *
Saturday we went to the pool, where Charlie continued Whinapalooza 2007 because Henry had the ONE pool toy he wanted, a rocket ship that the kids can dive for, and wouldn’t give it up (we have THREE of these rockets, and Charlie had the other two, so really STOP IT ALREADY). We ignored him for as long as possible, which is hard when he’s hanging on your arm and moaning, “DAAAAAADYYYYY Henry won’t GIIIIIIIIVE MEEEEEEE that TOOOOOYYYYY.” (I was sitting on the deck for all of this, because my whole goal is NEVER to get IN the pool.) Wade finally picked Charlie up and set him on the deck and pointed at a chair. “Sit there,” he ordered. “You can get back in the pool when you STOP WHINING.”
And I said, “I’m thinking of making him a t-shirt that says, I am the reason Mommy drinks.”
“Do it,” Wade said.
* * *
On Saturday night, Wade made dinner, largely because he felt bad that he had worked on Saturday morning AND was going in to the office on Sunday morning. He made spaghetti sauce, from scratch, and when it came time to cook the pasta, he pulled out our stock pot.
And found a dead scorpion in it.
I’m pretty sure that was the last straw for Wade. He left this morning to drive to Amarillo, and I asked if he had a credit card with him. “That’s a good idea,” he said, “you never know what might happen.”
“Yeah,” I said, “you may decide not to come back.”
“I just might,” he said, and really, who would blame him?
Although the scorpions and I would miss him.
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August 27th, 2007 at 12:31 pm, Janssen Says:
I don’t even have children yet and your descriptions of the whining made my head buzz a little (I was a nanny for a while, so I certainly do know what the constant whining sounds like).
I’m amazed that you made it through. Good work
August 27th, 2007 at 12:36 pm, Sherry Says:
I always told the boy, “I don’t speak Whinese. Speak English and I will listen to you.”
August 27th, 2007 at 12:44 pm, Jonathon Morgan Says:
Every time I make it through a tantrum like that, I think one of two things:
1. I am a horrible parent, doomed to failure.
2. I am awesome, and possibly the best parent ever for weathering that storm.
August 27th, 2007 at 12:45 pm, Wendy Says:
I know where you can find that t-shirt. We have Whinefest over here, too. I think my daughter will spend her fifth year in her bedroom. Or I will spend it anywhere but around her.
August 27th, 2007 at 1:00 pm, Arwen Says:
I feel like I have really perfected the saying ‘Go To Your Room!’ with just enough tension in it so that she moves right a long but not so much that I feel like I am yelling. I still haven’t gotten it to work on my husband yet.
August 27th, 2007 at 1:21 pm, Catherine Says:
When I think of bingo I think of Catholic fundraisers. I when I think of Catholics I think cocktails. So, I would have expected an open bar at the bingo hall, or at least the acceptance of a flask.
Alternatively, the way everyone carries around water bottles these days you totally could have had cocktail hour while playing bingo.
Clearly, you don’t take your cocktails as seriously as your clothing.
August 27th, 2007 at 2:47 pm, Mark Says:
That sounds like my weekend! But with one, and frozen Margaritas.
What is crazy is that her teachers tell us how great she is, that she is easy going, and never complains.
I think she saves it up for home!
August 27th, 2007 at 3:41 pm, Laura Says:
On our family vacation this year Big Al told S that everytime she whined she owed him $1.00 from her allowance. I told her that everytime she pissed me off she owed me $1.50. G wanted to participate as well, but was sad when she was told it was parents only.
August 27th, 2007 at 5:13 pm, Bridget's Flame - Caitlin Says:
Must have been the weekend for it….we had double the usual amount of children for the weekend (nephews stayed over) and my youngest daughter pretty much cried for 72 hours straight.
And….a Scorpion?? Holy crap. Did you scream?
August 27th, 2007 at 5:18 pm, Susan Says:
I did not scream, although that could be because I was not the one to discover it, and I’d had a couple glasses of wine.
But I’m kicking myself for not taking a picture because SCORPION! AAAAAAGH!
August 27th, 2007 at 7:06 pm, chris Says:
Shut UP. You did not find a scorpion in your pot?
And why do I find that more shocking than you losing one of your children.
August 28th, 2007 at 6:57 am, Katy (formerly June C.) Says:
I’m jealous. At least when left alone to make his own fun, your kid gambles. My kid runs around and makes penis jokes. Next thing you know, they’ll both be hanging out together with strippers.
Eighty year old ones from the bingo hall. Ew.
And are you kidding me??!?! A scorpion?!?!?
August 28th, 2007 at 7:26 am, jody2ms Says:
At least your son didn’t catch an alligator with his fishing pole.
Doesn’t the whining feel like someone is drilling a hole in your head?
August 28th, 2007 at 8:49 am, Heather B. Says:
Between the whining and the scorpions, my chances of coming back are now slim to none.
But you know, the allure of SONIC and the tater tots. Ok, I’ll come back, but I’ll be your drunk friend, Heather because I don’t think I could handle the whining while sober. Just being honest.
August 28th, 2007 at 9:02 am, Shan Says:
I now know that I will never be brave enough to visit Oklahoma. Because there are scorpions there. I am horrified for you. I think I have a little vicarious post-traumatic stress disorder now (flashbacks of a creature I’ve never actually seen).
August 28th, 2007 at 10:28 am, Jessica Ashley (Sassafrass) Says:
Would it be bad to keep the dead scorpion, just pretending it is alive, to scare the kids into whining cessation? Do you think telling them that the scorpion will get them in the night if they whine too much is too close to emotional abuse?
If not, I may need you to box of some of those and ship them to Chicago (where we pretty much believe that scorpions are mythical).
August 28th, 2007 at 5:22 pm, Mocha Says:
Should I feel some sense of shame that I’m laughing at this? That I’m somehow relieved that someone else has lost a kid and found the humor in it to admit it and write about it?
Guilt. I feel it. But I’m also still laughing.
August 29th, 2007 at 7:38 pm, Jordan Says:
Oh dear God. The whining. Won’t it ever stop?
Susan, you’re making me feel Very Afraid about school starting here next week and All Those Damn Activities starting up. Christ.
August 29th, 2007 at 9:36 pm, Chandra Says:
My mom left my little brother at swim team once and realized it while cooking dinner (in her defense there were 11 of us). I still remember her saying “It’s quiet, where is Sam?” We went back to get him and he was waiting out front and said “I knew you’d show up sometime”. Gotta love it! Great post
September 1st, 2007 at 10:43 am, Jennifer Says:
Leaving a kid can happen to anyone…. My folks left me at a gas station on a family trip… (Of course, my brother & sister didn’t exactly speak up and let them know I wasn’t there….ingrates!) They did figure it out right away (there was a lot of insane giggling coming from the back of the van) but they were on the freeway by then…. It took some time for me to leave the car alone but, hey, you get over it…lol…
September 9th, 2007 at 7:37 am, Tina Says:
Hi, just a visito from the UK, hope you don’t mind. I only have 1 son, I think I would know if I lost him because I’d think I had gone deaf…