August 28, 2006
this weekend, it was just one thing after another (but not in a good way, really)
On Friday, I decided to bite the bullet and go have a bra fitting. I’ve been whining to Christa about my flat flat chest, and she directed me to The Lingerie Store, a small chichi boutique specializing in (wait for it!) all things lingerie. She promised me that not only could they do a proper fitting, they would most CERTAINLY have a bra in my size.
Or something like that.
So on Friday afternoon, I skip on over to The Lingerie Store (hello Googlers looking for porn! not that kind of web site!) and I talk to the salesgirl. And she measures me and she makes The Face (the one where you’re thinking, hmm, I’ve never seen anything QUITE like this before and I’m not sure what to do but I don’t really want to ADMIT that I don’t know what to do so I need to think of something TO DO). Because, see, it turns out that I am NOT, as formerly assumed, a 32 A; I’m more like a 34 AAA (and no, that’s not a real bra size, in case you were wondering).
Argh.
The nice salesgirl finds two (TWO!) bras for me to try on, and I go off to the dressing room. The first bra weighs about ten pounds because it is Realistically Padded; I put it on and realize that 1) this is what it’s like to have REAL BOOBS and 2) it doesn’t fit right. The cups are TOO BIG. Which is a bummer, because OH MY GOD I wanted that big old padded bra. It made my cheapie Old Navy tank top look good. Not like this, which is what I look like in my ususal, unpadded state:
Do you SEE why I wanted that bra? I was all ready to drop $50.00 on some new boobs, except for the fact that the bra really didn’t fit. Nor did the other bra I tried on. Instead, I bought a little plastic doohicky called The Strapper, which will keep the straps of my current bras from slipping out from under those cheap tank tops.
How depressing.
I decided that since I wasn’t able to buy some boobs, I could AT LEAST get a new lip gloss, so I went three doors down to The Make-Up Bar (why don’t any of these places have web sites? WHY?) and whipped out my Bella Il Fiore lipgloss and said, “I need this!”
Guess what the salesgirl said! Discontinued. DISCONTINUED! This is where I started blaming Christa; she sent me to The Lingerie Store and she also gave me the damn lip gloss for my birthday. This is all her fault, clearly.
Anyway, the salesgirl knocked herself out to find me a lip gloss. She scraped the last little bit out of my current tube and smeared it on the back of her hand; then she went around the store looking for something that matched. I was a huge help, saying really useful things like, “No, that’s too red. No, not red enough. No, too brown. No, too pink. No, not brown enough. Do you have anything browner? But not that brown.” Instead of poking my eyes out with the lip gloss wand (which I’m sure she wanted to do) she tested something like 67 lip glosses on the back of her hands, talked me into trying three or four on myself (which lead to more pronouncements of “Nope, too brown” and “Oh god, no, that’s horrible”) until we finally found a Nars lip gloss (in Stolen Kisses) that was ALMOST EXACTLY like the discontinued color.
And of course at that point, I was COMPELLED to buy it, because 67 test swatches on her hand! I owed it to the salesgirl.
The lip gloss made me feel a little better about the fact that my boobs are Unnaturally Small, for about two minutes, or at least until I got in the car and somehow (SOMEHOW!) caught the back of my shorts on the seat and broke the back button in half. Because apparently my unnaturally small boobs are balanced out by my unnaturally large ass. Really, who RIPS OFF A BUTTON getting in the car? And the best part is that this is the SECOND time this summer that I have done this.
I’m so depressed.
Of course, all that was nothing to Saturday’s realization that we had overdrawn our checking account. Yes, really! And yes, it was the lip gloss and The Strapper that put us in the red! Hooray for me! So I spent most of the weekend panicking (because OH MY GOD we’re so irresponsible!) and feeling all melodramatic (I’m a terrible parent! I can’t even keep my checking account balanced!) and psychoanalysing how we got to Overdrawn (too much retail therapy! too many lip glosses!). It was a fun weekend.
We really wound up overdrawn because we’ve been putting more in savings AND we had some big unforseen expenses this summer AND we’ve been a little careless about things like trips to Starbucks and dinner out and lip glosses. It wasn’t any ONE thing, nor was it any huge moment of stupidity, which sort of makes it better and sort of makes it worse. We spent a lot of time talking about How We Can Keep This From Happening Again, which was good, but I still feel kind of icky about it. And I’ve found myself scraping the last of the old lip gloss out of the tube, because it’s hard to enjoy the NEW lip gloss under these circumstances.
On top of ALL THAT (see what I mean? ONE THING AFTER ANOTHER!) we took Henry off his medication, just for the weekend, just to see if he would sleep better. He has been having trouble falling asleep at night; we turn the lights out at 7:30, but recently he’s been awake until after 9:00. I had been saying that I didn’t think this was NECESSARILY from the meds*; maybe he just doesn’t need to go to bed at 7:30, maybe he’s just overstimulated from school, maybe he’s worrying about Pluto’s demotion from planet to Big Chunk of Space Rock. Wade was convinced it was the meds.
Friday we stopped the meds and Henry was sound asleep at 7:45. He slept until nearly 8:00 the next morning. Same thing Saturday, same thing Sunday. Huh. Go figure.
So during the weekend, when Wade and I weren’t talking about our financial situation, we were talking about what do to about Henry and his meds (keep him on, take him off, give them only during the week, try something new . . . ) which made for some fun quality time with my husband. We sort of have a plan, but it’s a complicated and not very exciting plan where we leave Henry on the meds this week and take him off NEXT week and talk with his teachers to see if they think he can function without the meds. Because I just don’t know any more and I’m too distracted by my boobs to really make a decision.
No, not really.
*He’s taking 10 milligrams of Dexadrine, which you will remember as the drug in Dexatrim diet pills. You DO remember Dexatrim, don’t you?
Posted by Susan @ 8:42 am • Uncategorized
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August 28th, 2006 at 9:15 am, Velma Says:
Oh, I remember Dexatrim. No wonder he can’t sleep! If it makes you feel any better, we were overdrawn at the beginning of the month, too, due to my reliance on automatic debiting for bills. I wasn’t paying attention, and our mortgage got deducted two days before the paycheck was automatically deposited. We bounced like, 5 transactions in that 36 hour period! Ah, well.
August 28th, 2006 at 9:24 am, brookeraymond Says:
you are not the only one. i have lost many buttons off my back pockets getting the car.
August 28th, 2006 at 11:22 am, boogiemum Says:
Thanks, I was having a horrible day and your post gave me a great laugh. Its reassuring to see that someone’s life is as crazy as mine….
August 28th, 2006 at 11:55 am, AJ & Sheree's Life Says:
I can totally empathize about the bra thing. A couple weeks ago I went bra shopping, only to find (after trying on FORTY bras), that I’m about a 38 AA. And they don’t make bras tha size! But Playtex does do half sizes, so I last week I bought a 36 AA and then bought this attachment with hooks to make it bigger so it’s more like a 38. Anyway, good luck!
August 28th, 2006 at 1:22 pm, Jenorama Says:
I remember Dexatrim. Maybe I should go get some, and then I won’t be FAT anymore! Woo hoo!
August 28th, 2006 at 3:32 pm, Melissa Says:
I think you need a vacation from your weekend.
And do use the new lipgloss. None of this is the lipgloss’ fault– it should not be punished.
August 28th, 2006 at 3:52 pm, Anonymous Says:
My son couldn’t handle the stimulant meds either, have you tried Strattera? It really works well for the ADHD symptoms that go along with the ASD. He’s been on it now for 2 years and except for the dosage change from time to time no problems to report.
August 28th, 2006 at 4:24 pm, sarcastic journalist Says:
I happen to like your boobs but do wonder if you’re wearing a bra in that picture. Perhaps one that shapes is enough????
August 28th, 2006 at 4:33 pm, Chilihead2 Says:
You need to come on up to Tulsa and visit The Bust Stop (oh yes, that’s the real name!). I tell you, the Goddess bra is made for you. I have a friend built just like you and she swears by it. C’mon! I’ll take ya myself and then we’ll go drink lunch.
August 28th, 2006 at 5:00 pm, daring one Says:
I can take care of Christa for you. I can offer at least that much. I know a guy.
August 28th, 2006 at 5:18 pm, Mir Says:
I have one perfect bra, which is to say one STYLE of the perfect bra, where I own a ton of them, but I think it’s been discontinued. So I found what I THOUGHT was my bra on eBay, but IT IS NOT. How do I know this? I bought 3 and they arrived today. Not my bra. Crap.
I wish I could’ve come over and, um, played with your strapper? That sounds so porny.
August 28th, 2006 at 6:06 pm, Candace Says:
Didn’t I *tell* you to go to Nordstrom? Or Macy’s? When oh when will you listen to me?
Anyhoo, the meds. Every single parent of a child on medication that I know has tried at least three medications before they get the right one. I think the average just might be four or five. I know it sounds horrible, trying so many, but eventually you’ll find the solution that works for you.
Hang in there.
August 28th, 2006 at 6:34 pm, Mary P. Says:
I hate bra shopping. Hate it, hate it, hate it. But I love bras. Weird, no?
Mine are almost all pretty, and all are lovely for one thing or another. (Lift, cleavage, smooth outline, comfort. But never all at once. Bah. Why DO I love these godforsaken things so?)
August 28th, 2006 at 6:40 pm, Holly Says:
Sad to say that I think we wear the same bra size. The next time you’re somewhere with a Nordstrom’s, get a saleslady in the lingerie dept. to help you shop for bras. I went “I’m finally done with breastfeeding” bra shopping last fall and ended up with several Chantelle bras, which fit pretty well in the A cup, even though I’m more realistically a “barely A” (remember those cup sizes from our teenage years?).
August 28th, 2006 at 6:44 pm, The June Cleaver Diaries Says:
Yes!! I agree!!! The Strapper sounds waaay porno. The visual is making me gag a little. But in terms of the BRA thing, how cool is that????
And by the way, I think your boobs are just fine, thank you, but if you want them bigger, you could:
A) Get pregnant
B) Go buy those silicone chicken-cutlet things to put in your bra.
Yes, I knew you’d pick B. I think Victoria’s Secret sells them. They’re definatly something to wear only in a comitted relationship, because I can only imagine the embarrassment of having one fall out on your date’s foot the first time he feels you up.
August 28th, 2006 at 6:51 pm, Susan Says:
So. Much. Bra-related. Information.
Holly, not only do I remember those Nearly A bras, I OWN three of them. No, wait, FOUR! And only two fit. The other two are TOO BIG in the cups.
I mean really. What the fuck?
And I am intrigued by the Chicken Cutlets and may very well look into a pair of those. Although I won’t be looking at Nordstrom because WE DON’T HAVE A NORDSTROM. Dammit.
And SJ is right–no bra at all in the photo. I can’t believe I’m telling the Internet that, but there it is!
Now I think I need to go Google the Goddess bra.
August 28th, 2006 at 7:24 pm, Karyn Says:
I am SO sorry you are going through this - but do you have ANY idea how much better it made me feel to know that I am not the only person left ALIVE who still gets overdrawn sometimes? MWAH! I could just kiss you.
Now about that gloss. Yeah. It is a big old suck pill when we learn our faves have been discontinued. I think we should hold Christa personally responsible.
I cannot tell you how many buttons I have sprun from my giant, circusy, tentlike pants over the years since, after giving birth to freaks of nature who weigh ten pounds, my abdomen is roughly the size of a Volkswagen Beetle. So yes, I remember Dexatrim and Fen-Fen and Redux and all the good stuff that worked but Don’t Take It Because It Will Kill You.
Crap.
I wish I could sympathize with you on the bra thing, but since I have been “blessed” with Ta Tas Til Tuesday here, (read: big fugly ass industrial strength bras) I cannot. I vote for the silicone chicken-cutlets. Got a friend who has them. We played catch with them in the office one day (it was slow, what can I tell you) so I can vouch for its feel-good-authenticity.
Jesus, I need a life.
August 28th, 2006 at 7:30 pm, Karyn Says:
PS: Sorry I totally hijacked your comment section before. Have you looked at “Orgasm” by Nars? It is reportedly THE most popular, universally flattering shade used by The Beautiful People in Hollywood, etc.. Now your checkbook is all settled, go for it!
http://www.sephora.com/browse/brand_hierarchy.jhtml;jsessionid=WEDVAN3VRROLNLAUCLABXCQ?categoryId=&brandId=3976&SectionID=
August 28th, 2006 at 7:49 pm, Joel s Says:
to make you feel better about your finances; my Mom is borrowing money from my grandpa to pay off the money she owes me, because I need to go back to school.
that’s right, my Mom is bad enough with money that she’s borrowing from a university student. hahahahaa.
anywho, I’m sorry that you’re having such a hard time finding a great bra. I think every woman deserves at least one fantastic bra.
August 28th, 2006 at 8:17 pm, Mary Tsao Says:
You and I share the same body type.
Good luck with the drug situation. I remember dexatrim from all night study sessions in college. Not good for small boys, I don’t think. But what do I know? I’ve got no boobs.
August 28th, 2006 at 8:51 pm, mamatulip Says:
Oh god, bras. I hate bras and bra shopping and all things bra-related.
August 28th, 2006 at 9:33 pm, Granny Says:
It seems like an unusually long month so far as money is concerned. I had to borrow against next month’s direct deposit for the first time in ages so as not to overdraw. And still 3 days to go.
Use the lip gloss for heaven’s sake.
August 28th, 2006 at 11:25 pm, Nina Says:
You don’t have a Nordstrom’s??? You poor, poor thing.
So my mom used to own a lingerie store. Yes, I know. Kind of an odd profession. But now she’s a lawyer so it’s all good. Anyway, lejaby makes (or used to make) a great lace bra that fit small sizes well. Expensive, but um, very sexy. And comfy!
Since we had a lingerie store in the family, I got to wear fancy underwear right from the get-go. So yeah, those lejaby bras were the first bras I wore because, well, they were the only ones that fit on my practically non-existant boobs.
Wow, this is really too much information. But there you go. I don’t know how you feel about expensive bras right now, but might be worth a look?
Otherwise those fake boobies you can buy at Victoria’s Secret are really quite good.
August 29th, 2006 at 3:43 am, Roola Lenska Says:
I truly hate bra shopping. Bras in general actually. I can never find one that fits. I’m a 34 AA (I think??). If it gives me the lift and shape in the front that I want - the straps are constantly falling off my shoulders - the strapper hmmm? I saw this Strap-Mate thing but it kind of reminds me of horse halter. My favorite bra of all time is my Natori convertible push-up. I think you definitely have to spend some money to get a decent fit but it does feel absurd when you’re trying to hold up so little.
August 29th, 2006 at 5:41 am, Tara Says:
All things being equal- and in the interest of fairness and balance, I have unnaturally large boobs, balanced by an unnaturally large ass. I am fairly sure I will never tip over in a hurricane or snow squall.
I think your plan to take Henry off the meds and wait for feedback from his school sounds like a good idea.
Will they be informed of your decision or do you want their observations to be unbiased??
August 29th, 2006 at 7:52 am, ieatcrayonz Says:
I would gladly give you a cup of boob if I could.
Gladly.
August 29th, 2006 at 10:35 am, Amy W Says:
Please, please take some of my DDD cup boobs. I won’t even tell you what I was when I was pregnant!
August 29th, 2006 at 10:56 am, MJ Says:
Like some others, I have the exact opposite problem that you do. My quest is to find attractive bras without underwires in …umm..larger sizes.
Apparently, there are only about 2 women in the entire world who want such bras so they’re really hard to find. And the saleswoman looks at me the same way she looks at you. Seriously last time I went bra shopping (with my children…oh the fun!) she offered me nursing bras. I declined.
August 29th, 2006 at 11:40 am, slackermommy Says:
I like the water bra. Adds a cup size and looks natural. Can’t find them any more. Figures! And Revlon discontinued my favorite color lipstick. Also I managed to overdraw our Girl Scout checking account so I can totally relate to your saga.
August 29th, 2006 at 11:45 am, Susan Says:
Does anyone else remember the episode of Will and Grace where Grace’s water bra springs a leak?
Now THAT was funny.
August 29th, 2006 at 2:34 pm, Karyn Says:
Indeed.
If my bra starts shooting water like the fountains at the Bellagio, we have a most dispiriting situation. Most dispiriting, I tell you.
(Although on bloat-days, my breasts have been known to leak over the top of the bra slightly. But that is another problem entirely.)
August 29th, 2006 at 9:25 pm, daysgoby Says:
Still snorting over Karyn’s answer - also blessed with The Ta-ta’s That Won’t Quit (and Don’t) - I’ve heard, though, that Nordstroms and Victoria’s Secret are good for the more-than-a-handful-is-wasted crowd.
I hope this med switch works for H!
Sell the guilt-laden lip gloss on E-bay. Use the proceeds to buy an un-tainted one. (Almost wrote untinted there!)
July 10th, 2007 at 9:44 pm, Anonymous Says:
What will Henry think when he is 20, 25 or 30 and reads your comments about him on the internet — ie the most public form of communication? I understand a lot of what you are working through, but what if you read these comments from your parent(s)? How would you feel?