August 16, 2007
they WILL drive me to an early grave
When Wade came home tonight, the kids were playing outside, because risking their health in the eleventy billion degree heat made more sense than letting them run rampant in the house.
I have my priorities, people.
Wade pulled in the driveway and miraculously managed NOT to drive over either of the kids (who are typically not out in the yard when he comes home because ELVENTY BILLION DEGREES OUTSIDE). He said hello and then proceeded to yell at them for laying down in the dirt on the upper terrace of the yard (”GET OUT OF THE DIRT! DO NOT LAY DOWN IN THE DIRT! GET UP!”).
I swear I was supervising, I just didn’t care about the dirt. They were going to ahve a bath later anyway. Also I may have been reading e-mail and drinking a glass of wine on the sunporch. Because “supervising” doesn’t mean climbing around in the dirt with the kids.
Again, I have priorities.
Wade and I go inside while the kids roll around in the dirt some more. I slice up some bread and break out the tapenade and start pulling out leftovers to reheat. We sit at the kitchen table and watch Henry climb a tree. Chris calls and we talk about Very Important Stuff like how she should meet me in DC in October and then Wade says, “Henry is stuck in the tree.”
And lo, there is my seven-year-old STUCK IN A TREE.
There is much laughing about how I’m too short go to get him down and Wade gets his shoes on and rescues the boy and I finish putting dinner on the table and Wade comes in and I say goodbye to Chris and the boys come in and Henry announces, “Charlie ate something we found on the ground! Like Survivorman!” and Wade’s head spins ALL THE WAY AROUND.
And he announces, “NO MORE WATCHING SURVIVORMAN.”
I offer to call Poison Control but since we have no idea what we’re going to tell them Wade suggests that I take Charlie outside so that he can identify what it was that he ate. He wanders around and picks up twenty different sticks and examines them carefully and finally announces, “I don’t know which one it was,” which sort of narrows the options down a little, I guess. We go back inside and Henry and Wade go out in the yard because Wade is convinced that Henry will be able to show him what Charlie ate. But we have at least narrowed it down to a STICK which seems not so poisonous and also kind of icky.
We read the boys the riot act about not eating things they find on the ground or ANYTHING THAT IS NOT FOOD and then Charlie says “Henry ate it too” and Henry says “I DID NOT” and we go on like that until I am forced to finish the bottle of wine.
The end. (No one is dead. Yet. And the kids are NEVER playing outside again. Ever.)
Posted by Susan @ 7:34 pm • thinking about the weather, those damn kids
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August 16th, 2007 at 7:43 pm, Anne Glamore Says:
Honey, we are living the same life. I emerged from writing my latest post and fixed a gin & tonic (because 104 for the 10th day in a row!!) and found out there were 7, not just 3, boys at my house, and 2 were busy spraying Axe and Odor Eaters in the hall while 3 others were shooting the garbage cans with airsoft guns.
But hey– everyone lived.
August 16th, 2007 at 8:16 pm, Sarah Says:
What happened to the two little angels off to their first day of school looking like an image out of a Rockwell painting?
August 16th, 2007 at 9:07 pm, Susan Says:
Sarah, that was just a ruse. These are my real children.
August 16th, 2007 at 9:52 pm, Melissa Says:
Maybe you could trade them in for the Rockwell kids? But then you’d have way less material to work with, I’m thinking.
August 17th, 2007 at 5:54 am, Not The Mama Says:
I love it. They have a bright future ahead of them as survivalists…or perhaps contestants on Survivor.
August 17th, 2007 at 7:27 am, Wendy Says:
All in a day of a mother’s life.
I am trying to convince my little darling that kissing the cat with his mouth wide open is not a good idea. And the constant spitting out of the cat hair has not convinced him otherwise.
The cat, on the other hand, has been considering a move. I saw her little suitcase sitting outside the laundry room waiting to be pack. She will never make it on the outside, so I am not worried.
August 17th, 2007 at 8:00 am, Friday Playdate » who are you and what have you done with my children? Says:
[…] « Previous Main […]
August 17th, 2007 at 1:16 pm, Susie Says:
I recall eating sticks and acorns as a kid - we were playing “a storm is coming and we must gather nuts and sticks and live on them.” I’m still here. as long as it wasn’t poisonous, consider it extra fiber! God aren’t boys FUN?
August 21st, 2007 at 2:00 pm, jaime Says:
This is sooo hilarious to me. I grew up in the country and remember eating all kinds of things that we found in the woods. None of us ever got sick, but my little sister did get a crab apple stuck in her nostril that required a trip to the e.r. Try not to sweat the little things!