January 29, 2006
the people at Kellogs are stalking me
On Friday I wrote about how I am blaming Blogger for the number of unzippable things in my closet. Fortunately, the nice people at Kellogs have got my back(side).
I must have seen this ad a dozen times over the weekend (okay, YES, I was watching a LOT of TLC–I was hoping that Clinton and Stacey might have some good suggestions for camouflaging my ass. No luck). And I learned that if I eat Special K twice a day for the next two weeks, I will lose six pounds! Isn’t that fantastic?
You know how this works, don’t you? The fat cells die of boredom. Seriously–Special K TWICE a day? I love cereal, I would eat cereal for every meal if I could get away with it (in fact, before I met Wade, I did eat cereal three times a day! or more!) but not Special K. Maybe some Coco Puffs or Cap’n Crunch. Which may explain the problem I am having now with those zippers.
The thing is this: for most of my adult life, I was a size that I was happy with (no, I’m not going to tell you the size, that’s not the point). After I had Henry I spent a long time wearing a bigger size; about twenty minutes after I was easily able to slip back into my pre-Henry jeans, I got pregnant with Charlie. And after Charlie, I wore the biggest size I’ve ever worn (nope, still not telling).
The two and a half years after Charlie was born were incredibly stressful, for a lot of reasons. Usually it’s hard for me to see, in the moment, just how stressed I am; it is only looking back that I can say, wow, that was really difficult. But in that particular window of my life, I felt overwhelmed all the time. And, without realizing it, I lost a lot of weight.
Two years ago, we were planning a trip to Florida to visit my brother and his family. When I got my summer clothes out, nothing really fit, so I went shopping. The jeans I was wearing were one size smaller than my original pre-baby size, so I tried some things on in that slightly smaller size. Too big. I bought some pants in the next size down, without trying them on. They were also too big. So I exchanged them for the NEXT size down. And wore them with a belt.
I don’t know how it happened, how I went from a size I was good with to three sizes smaller and needing a belt. I mean, I know how it happened–it was stress–but I don’t know how it happened. Did I just not eat for a year and a half? I have no idea.
Anyway, about this same time, I decided that I was tired of looking like I just rolled out of bed every day, and I started to shop for some nice wardrobe pieces–things I could wear during my day with the kids that were not made of sweatshirt material. And yes, it was nice to see that very small number in the waistband of these very nice clothes. But honestly, I didn’t really feel any smaller or thinner. I just felt stressed out and overwhelmed. And nicely dressed.
In the past year, a lot of things have happened to alleviate at least some of my stress. Charlie isn’t a baby any more, which is a huge relief to me; we have learned a lot about Henry and how his brain works, which is also a huge relief. Other things have changed, too, that I’m not really at liberty to talk about here; let’s just say that I no longer wake up every single morning and three times at night feeling overwhelmed by my life. All of that is good.
But the down side is this: I have gained back some–like perhaps ten pounds–of the weight that I lost in that crazy period. And while I am genuinely relieved not to feel like I am walking on the thin edge of a razor any more, I am sad about the weight. Not so much because I have a closet full of terrific clothes that I can’t wear, although that does annoy me every time I try to get dressed, but because I feel very uncomfortable in my body, and I don’t like that feeling.
I am still a smaller size than the one I was before I had Henry (no, still not telling you what size that was). I am about two sizes bigger than I was when I had to belt the smallest pants. But I feel like there is a lot of extra to me just now. I feel like I am big and squishy. And I don’t like that feeling.
When we were in Florida, two years ago, my sister-in-law said something about how thin I was, and I remember saying, ‘Yes, but the funny part is, I don’t feel any smaller. I feel like I’m the same size I was the day before Charlie was born. Or the week before I got pregnant with Henry.’ And that was true, then. But now I feel bigger. I am conscious that I used to be smaller, and now I’m not.
I don’t know that losing five (or ten) pounds is really the answer. I don’t know that losing ten (or five) pounds is healthy. I don’t know that losing five pounds is even possible. What I would really like to lose is this sense that my body is not a nice place to be, that there is too much of me. I spend a lot of time thinking about what to wear each day because so much of what’s in my closet doesn’t zip. Or if it does, it’s not comfortable to sit in. Or it just looks bad.
I don’ t think this is all about the number on the scale or the pants that I can’t zip. I think it has a lot to do with not really knowing who I am any more. Wade has been joking about how I am counting the days until school starts next fall, when both boys will go all day every day and I will get my life back. And I’m wondering if some of this anxiety about the size of my body is really anxiety about my life. I don’t know.
For now, I will just blame Blogger.
Posted by Susan @ 4:07 pm • Uncategorized
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January 29th, 2006 at 4:34 pm, adria Says:
I am having the same exact issues with my size. Now, I know I am not fat, but I am bigger than I would like to be. It is frustrating because I want to get pregnant sometime this year, but I am scared to death to put more weight on. Especially pregnancy weight because I am so scared I will never lose it. Personally, I do not like to go on diets because they never seem to work. I just try to eat better and exercise regularly. I truly do not know how much better I can eat since I am a vegetarian and I already exercise 5-6 days a week. I am blaming blogger, the media, and all my pants for shrinking in my closet because seriously how could it be my fault??
Let me know how the Special K thing works. I am always curious when I see that ad. How much cereal equals the 1 serving? I would fear I would double it because I love a big bowl of cereal.
January 29th, 2006 at 5:15 pm, littlemissme Says:
I feel just the same way. There’s something about mommyhood that makes you feel–at least for a while–like you’ve completely lost yourself. One of my New Year’s Resolutions was to get “me” back. To dive into a hobby besides shopping and eating. I used to spend hours crafting complex scrapbooking pages…definitely planning to do that again, and I joined a gym last week. She’s nineteen months old…I don’t really have an excuse for letting myself go like this.
Wow. So sleepy. In my head this pertains to what you’ve written, so I’ll leave it at that. I totally understand.
January 29th, 2006 at 5:46 pm, Nancy Says:
Definitely relating over here.
This afternoon I was looking at some young (probably early 20ish) women, and thinking — how I wish I had appreciated back then how easy certain things are. The metabolism is still running high, you have free time to exercise and get all the sleep you need, etc.
As an older adult and a working mom, I don’t have a lot of time that’s my own. I think out of frustration, or because it’s easy, I tend to eat more and/or indulge in less healthy foods. And while I try to kid myself into thinking that running up and down stairs with laundry is real exercise — I need to bite the bullet and embark on a full diet and exercise program.
But it is much easier to blame it all on the blog.
January 29th, 2006 at 6:26 pm, Amanda Says:
Hmmm… have another baby! Hello, fat pants, bye bye free time! (pardon my sarcasm)
January 29th, 2006 at 6:33 pm, Kelli in the Mirror Says:
I could cry with relief just to know that you and everyone else who comments feels that way too. Is it just being a woman that makes us uneasy about being whatever size we are? Because you’re right, it’s not about the number. It’s about looking in the mirror and feeling discouraged.
January 29th, 2006 at 7:15 pm, Jenorama Says:
I understand that very well. Especially the part about not knowing who you are right now– or anymore.
And as for the size issue– well, I am just overweight. So much so that I have had to become comfortable with myself or be depressed all the time.
But what I really am trying to get at is that what you said about taking up too much space– that is what concerns me (I am not really concerned– hang on). We live in a society in which the media tells us that women should be quieter and smaller. That women shouldn’t take up too much room. And I know you are too smart to buy into that– but how can any of us really escape it?
Try the Special K with strawberries. It is really yummy.
January 29th, 2006 at 7:45 pm, Kristen Says:
I lost 25 pounds last year and when I look at pictures of myself from before Bryce was born, I can see that I am smaller…and yet I still self-criticize all day long - I don’t exercise enough, I ate too much today, my pants feel a little tighter (even though they’re smaller than my pre-first baby pants)…sigh. It’s a frustrating, sad state of affairs. And it’s definitely not about the number on the waistline or the scale…it runs much deeper than that.
January 29th, 2006 at 8:01 pm, CarpeDM Says:
I’d like to offer you some perspective. I just went to the doctor on Wednesday and found out that I weigh the most I have ever weighed in my entire life. That the goal that the doctor has set for me is to lose 100 pounds. Now, this isn’t the amount of weight I need to lose to be within my right weight range, this is just a start. I have a long way to go before I get even close. The really scary thing is that people I know have asked me if I’ve lost weight so obviously I weighed even more than this.
I am not discounting what you and the other commenters are saying at all so please don’t take it that way. What I am saying is that so much of our identity revolves around how we look - not who we are or what we are or think or do.
If losing the weight is what is right for you, then, by all means, go for it. I will be rooting for you all the way.
Does Special K have any flavor to it? Why couldn’t Cap’n Crunch be good for us?
January 29th, 2006 at 9:43 pm, The June Cleaver Diaries Says:
Hausfrau and I have talked about this, too. I’m not fat, but since I’ve had the twins I’m definatly not myself. It all has to do with identity and finding yourself again. And I’m doing a sucky-assed job at it, that’s for sure.
May I pour you a margarita to toast our new lumps and bumps with?
January 29th, 2006 at 10:40 pm, Susan Says:
DM, I wish I could reach through the Interwebs and hug you, because you are so smart. And you are right on–this size thing, which SHOULD be about health and wellness, is so much about who we are. And I think that’s what digs at me the most.
I’m not the same person I was ten pounds ago. But the person I was then was stressed and crabby. And the person I was when my pants were a size bigger had other issues. But we are so trained to look at the outside rather than dealing with the inside that it’s hard to get a handle on the other issues. And some of those issues–like working full-time or mommying or both–end up taking precedence over the weight issue (what is this exercise that you speak of?).
My dream is that I will deal with the REAL issues AND be able to zip my pants. All at once! It’s a big dream, but someone has to go for it. Unless one of you wants to volunteer . . .
January 30th, 2006 at 5:31 am, the ockers Says:
TOO FUNNY, Susan. Like DM, I need to lose about 30 to 40 kgs (can’t remember what that is in pounds but I think it’s like 75 to 90 pounds?). Anyway, I blame blogger, Ebay and my broken arm!
xClare
January 30th, 2006 at 8:43 am, Felicity Says:
First of all, I don’t like all the secrecy about the sizes & the issues you’re not at liberty to discuss. Because that only made me more curious AND distracted me. Also it was hard for me to follow, ’cause I’m lazy.
I AM fat now. Presently I weigh more that I weighted when I was nine months pregnant with my kids (oddly enough, I weighed exactly the same each time my kids were born, despite the 8 yr difference.)
So, yeah, fat. With bags of clothes in the attic that I refuse to give away because they might fit again someday. It’s a huge issue and tho I could say some of the same things other commenters said, or spout other things about society, I’m not going to. I’m just gonna say, I’m fat. And trying not to be.
Now with regard to losing yourself when you become a Mom? Because I had that big 8 yr gap, I had time to think and you know what, obviously, after you have the kids, you ARE someone different. You just need some down time to explore who that person is. That’s where the sitter, the MIL, etc., come in.
January 30th, 2006 at 9:09 am, Candace Says:
It’s your reality and you need to be comfortable with it. Just because people tell me I don’t look fat doesn’t mean I don’t still think I am. For me, this weight is not good. It needs to go.
As for the Special K thing, there are like 4 varieties and the ones with fruit and nuts are really, really good.
Of course, I do not have the will power to eat cereal twice a day.
January 30th, 2006 at 12:07 pm, Kara Says:
I was ready to do the fat flush thing until I realized that it included eggs and I don’t eat eggs. I am totally down with a diet that includes cereal. Let me know how it works.
I am what you would call a ’stress eater.’ I managed to gain weight on Weight Watchers because I was obsessing about my weight and each particle of food I placed on my fork every minute on that program. I find that when I’m happy, I tend to be thinner than when I’m unhappy/ stressed. If I could flip that switch at will, I’d do it. I have actually toyed with getting pregnant again because shortly after I stopped nursing, I weighed less that I did on my wedding day. It was the nursing, and happiness of running around after a toddler that did it. How sick is that?
January 30th, 2006 at 12:46 pm, sozzled Says:
amen, sister. It isn’t what the number is, it is completely about how you feel about yourself. At my smallest I am rarely happy, although happier than I am right now with my jeans feeling tight. I hate this feeling. But I’m not sure if I hate it enough to eat cereal for two meals a day!!
January 30th, 2006 at 1:03 pm, Arwen Says:
There is a new study that show mono-eating (only one thing, like, Special K) is supposed to help diet because your body basically does get sick of the flavor. The study proved this works. I was toying with using chocolate as my mono-food…think it would work?
January 30th, 2006 at 2:04 pm, Kelli in the Mirror Says:
The Special K vanilla almond is one of my favorite cereals, by the way. It’s really good, to the point where I stand in the aisle deciding between that and Lucky Charms.
January 30th, 2006 at 3:46 pm, Amy Linder Says:
I’ve found that I’ve lost weight since giving birth too, mainly because I tend to share my meals with my daughter. Same serving size as always, just split between us. I really should eat more.
Anyway, I just wanted to comment that I’ve recently found your site and LOVE it! Your writing is so funny and witty - and honest. Great stuff!
I myself blog about my experiences as a physically disabled woman raising my healthy, active toddler. My posts sometimes deal with disability specific issues, but mainly I’m “just a mom”.
I love that you have a special needs son, yet you don’t make a huge deal about talking about it much - it’s just a part of life.
I’ve added you to my “Raising Special Kids” blogroll so I can easily find you and to help share your world with more readers.
Take care.
Amy
January 30th, 2006 at 5:12 pm, Susan Says:
For the record, I’m not actually doing the Special K plan, mostly because if Charlie saw me eating cereal all the time, he would want some of that action, which just isn’t good parenting. Plus, they advocate two bowls of Special K and a ‘healthy’ dinner, but since I don’t think that means a glass of wine and a dozen Hersy Kisses, it kind of leaves me in the lurch.
But, if any of YOU try it, report back please!