November 28, 2005
the butter people
Yesterday, during the boys’ Enforced Rest Time, I was surfing the Interwebs, trying to get a handle on my Christmas shopping (okay, no I wasn’t; I was reading blogs. I am in deep denial that Christmas is only WEEKS away, as I have purchased NOTHING and am overly aggravated by grandmotherly type people asking what the boys need–they don’t need anything). Anyway, via Mamazine, I came across Linda Hirschman’s provocative essay about the feminist politics of the opt-out “revolution,” and I found myself thinking OH MY GOD SHE’S RIGHT. And it was killing me.
Hirschman’s theory is essentially this (yes, I think you should read the whole essay, but it’s long and you are busy so I will summarize): “while the public world has changed, albeit imperfectly, to accommodate women among the elite, private lives have hardly budged. The real glass ceiling is at home.” What does this mean? It means, as Judith Warner argues, that the “choice” to stay home is not a choice per se, but a default acquiescence to generations of gender stereotyping. It is a fall into the model where the half of a couple with the uterus gestates and births and feeds the baby–and, while she’s at it, feeds the rest of the family and cleans the bathrooms and drives to doctor appointments and plans craft projects and . . . you get the idea. While the half of the couple with the penis conquers the world.
Yes, I exaggerate, and no, this isn’t (exactly) how it works at my house. I do not have gainful employment (unless you are counting this web site, and that won’t be “gainful” until you people CLICK THOSE GOOGLE ADS a few more times). But I am one of the women that Hirschman talks about, whether I like it or not. I am able to stay home because we do not, honestly, need my income, and I am aware how fortunate I am to be in that position. Yet Hirschman argues that this kind of rhetoric is a large part of the problem–discussing the “choice” to stay home in terms of economic “need” ignores the intellectual and social needs of women. She writes about “the feminist moral analysis that choice avoided: The family — with its repetitious, socially invisible, physical tasks — is a necessary part of life, but it allows fewer opportunities for full human flourishing than public spheres like the market or the government. This less-flourishing sphere is not the natural or moral responsibility only of women. Therefore, assigning it to women is unjust. Women assigning it to themselves is equally unjust.”
While I agree with Hirschman, I still like to think of myself as a feminist, as someone who did not buy into the Father Knows Best narrative of domesticity (really, who vacuums in a dress and heels?). I kept my own name when I got married, despite the fact that it confuses the insurance company. And while I really DID choose to stay home when Henry was born, I did not necessarily chose to be a “housewife” (a term I despise even more than “SAHM”).
I am, in fact, a complete failure at the “housewife” part of this job. I don’t cook, I pay someone else to clean, and my motivation in doing laundry is entirely selfish (I am particular about the laundry–get over it). I love my children, and for all kinds of reasons I am thankful that I do not “have” to work, but my god there are days when I crave the company of adults–not just other mommies, but people who have read the New York Times recently or have actually FINISHED a novel or seen a movie BEFORE it comes to the dollar theater. My friends and I talk about how much we wish we could do these things, but we’re not actually doing them–we’re too busy scraping Playdough off the hardwood floors or loading the dishwasher or making doctors appointments. Or whatever it is we do all day with the kids. Because often, at the end of the day, I wonder–what DID I do today?
Hirschman, however, sees a way out: “The home-economics trap involves superior female knowledge and superior female sanitation. The solutions are ignorance and dust. Never figure out where the butter is. ‘Where’s the butter?’ Nora Ephron’s legendary riff on marriage begins. In it, a man asks the question when looking directly at the butter container in the refrigerator. ‘Where’s the butter?’ actually means butter my toast, buy the butter, remember when we’re out of butter. Next thing you know you’re quitting your job at the law firm because you’re so busy managing the butter. If women never start playing the household-manager role, the house will be dirty, but the realities of the physical world will trump the pull of gender ideology. Either the other adult in the family will take a hand or the children will grow up with robust immune systems.”
I have never managed the butter at our house, and I think it’s the only thing that keeps me sane. I struggle with the mommy thing, not so much because my children are not who I expected them to be, or even because I am not the mommy I imagined I would be, but because I don’t want to do the “housewife” things. I would rather spend my child-free time reading long essays about the failure of third-wave feminism, because that makes me a better wife and mother and member of society. And one could argue that I took all this on–the kids, the housework, the butter–when I decided to leave my job and “stay home.” One could argue that Wade goes to work and doesn’t get to choose what he does and does not do there. But I think that misses the point. Wade’s job does not define him as a person; mine does. And Hirschman is right, the mommy job defines us not by our intellect or our social activism but by our gender, and heaps on us the gender expectations of a century ago.
For the longest time, Charlie went around yelling, “You’re supposed to help the butter people!” We were baffled by this, until we realized that it was his mis-hearing of a line from The Incredibles (”You’re supposed to help OUR people!”). I don’t want to be one of the butter people; I don’t want to be the mommy all the time. And I am torn between knowing that for my family, having me “at home,” making doctors appointments and playing soccer and reading Harry Potter aloud is the best possible thing and feeling like I have somehow compromised both myself and my family by conforming to (and thus confirming) the gender stereotypes.
And you wonder why it takes so much coffee to get through my day.
Posted by Susan @ 5:15 am • Uncategorized
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November 28th, 2005 at 6:48 am, Felicity Says:
My inclination is to comment with comedy…I did not manage the butter when I stayed home nor do I manage it now that I go to work. It has not worked out to be a solution for me or for us as a family, though, as a) everyone STILL asks ME where the butter is and b) it seems that the ONLY person bothered by the constant clutter and mess i my home, is, well, ME. Therefore it becomes, again, MY problem to resolve.
Yes, my kids have extremely robust immune systems.
The UNfunny part of my comment is that I CHOSE to stay home with both my kids for a long time (5 & 2 yrs) and then CHOSE to return to work and guess what, NOW we NEED my income. The money starts to own you, after a while. Which I suppose is another post altogether.
November 28th, 2005 at 8:04 am, the ockers Says:
thanks for writing about the butter problem. I’m so there with you on this. I, too, don’t do butter stuff.
when I had Nes, I was lecturing BFA students and I was due at the begining of mid semester break. I taught up until 39 weeks. She came 10 days late and ate into my ‘maternity leave/mid semester holiday’. I returned to teaching p/t when she was 3 weeks old, leaving her at my mum’s house 2 days a week. I kept working because I enjoyed it and I was good at it. The following year I went back 4 days a week and everything and I mean everything WENT TO SHIT. All of a sudden I became not very good at anything because I was juggling too many things. I did it for one year and it was awful. I felt bad that I wasn’t teaching as well as I used to (because I was tired and stressed out and vague…and preoccupied with thoughts of my baby). And believe me, our house is a total mess. I couldn’t find the butter even if I wanted to! I quit work when I was 20 weeks pregnant with our second child (only to have a stillbirth at 25 weeks over easter). It amazes me how many people openly had a higher opinion of me as a working mum, compared to now I am not teaching. What I do now (SAHM) is not valued highly at all. I also have a studio at home and do exhibitions regularly. and you guessed it, I don’t get enough of that work done either because I am always stuck looking after my daughter and EVERYTHING else that flows on from that. [actually right now I’m supposed to be finishing 2 paintings by Wed for a show…eeekk]. Now, the reality check is -I don’t care about housework (except for laundry) and I don’t call myself a housewife. My darling hubby B is the one who often does the vacuming, mopping the floors, cleaning the bathroom and the stove. All I have to do is ignore it for long enough and he will come to our cleaning rescue. It has worked a charm for 4 years. B will also fill in the gaps of my mothering and any other role in life I temporarily neglect in the pursuit of art and culture and sanity. He’s a gem and I’m very lucky. I used to be married to someone I divorced years ago who actually did expect me to be a ‘ housewife’ with cleaning skills and butter knowledge whilst he became a binge-drinking alcoholic and passive-aggressive closet homosexual. I shudder to think about it. B was one of his friends, so there was a silver lining after all. and B and I married and live happily ever after, renegotiating our gender roles and expectations on a daily basis and raising our daughter to be bright and ballsy about the big, bad world. and to forget about the butter.
xC
November 28th, 2005 at 9:28 am, Dawn Says:
Susan,
You write about the ultimate paradox for the generation of woman from whence we came. We were raised being told that we COULD do it all. And, infused with the sense that men Should be our equal partners in parenting, housework and every other thing.
The problem is that when the baby is born - and handed to the woman to feed ( cause you do have the breasts after all!) you become THE MOTHER. You are expected to know where and when and why all rolled into one. I recall one afternoon coming home and asking my husband to change his child’s diaper. She came to work with me, as I was the Director of the Child care center she attended- so I nursed her 3 times a day - managed a 30 person staff and 140 families - and changed her diaper when I had her. He said “Why don’t you change it? You haven’t had her all day either. She’s been in the Infant Room”
WHAT? I thought I would divorce him on the spot. In fact, I tell all my friends who are first time parents that they will seriously consider leaving their spouse at least once during the first year of parenting.
When I finally chose career - that I would happily work full time and that Terrance would be the work at home daddy - there have been moments when I have had to let GO of the way I would do it, and accept that his parenting competance only comes through practice.
It’s the letting go part that is so hard for women, I think. We do more damage to ourselves than any external forces.
November 28th, 2005 at 9:29 am, Jenorama Says:
A-freaking-men!!! Damn, Susan, you need to send this to Salon. You need to get this published.
This is why I went to graduate school.
I now work from home, but I am not managing the butter either. And for people who don’t actually think I am working, I really don’t have much time for conversations with them.
But I went back to graduate school so that I could talk to somebody who had read a complete book. And now look at me. Heh. Now, I read crappy romance novels.
We need my income, because my husband went to a graduate program that left him with a student loan debt larger than our mortgage. And the kids are mine, not ours, and I am responsible for them. The child support I get doesn’t even cover all of the groceries for three growing boys.
But I have been so incredibly fortunate to discover (invent?) this career I have at home. But I think you are right– your career defines you, and there is a hell of a lot more at stake with your job. But the sheer repetition and mundanity could drive any thinking person mad.
We didn’t have blogs when I was a stay-at-home Mommy, and I suspect that I would have been a better one if we had.
November 28th, 2005 at 11:02 am, Susan the Tulsa Anarchist :-) Says:
Hmmm, I’ll be the devil’s advocate here.
My career doesn’t define me, **I** define my own freakin’ self.
Jobs are overrated. My last three bosses were incompetent psychos (and I wasn’t flipping burgers, I have a masters and was working in a professional-type job). Get off (or stay off) the treadmill if you can! Working people are treated like dogs these days.
Anyone, male or female, who runs a household, is doing important work and part of the reason we can’t see it is that Western society is so commercialized. I think that’s sad, and I think it’s odd that on one hand we talk trash about the work that keeps our homes sane and decent, and then on the other hand bemoan the decline of home and family.
And no, I’m not Martha, nor do I want to be! that “lifestyle” is another bill of goods we’ve been sold to keep us working, so we can keep buying stuff, so we can feel good, except that it’s never enough.
November 28th, 2005 at 11:13 am, Candace Says:
I manage the butter because I cook. And I cook because I love it, not because it’s what I’m “supposed” to do. I didn’t cook at all in the first, oh, four years of my marriage, until I found out that I’m good at it and it’s fun. For me.
But that’s beside the point. I think the article summary (because let’s face it, I didn’t read the whole thing. I intend to; later.) didn’t address the fact that a lot of women don’t demand that their partners actually live up to that title: “partner”. It’s not just me doing this stuff at home and at the doctor and everywhere else. It’s both of us. But we consciously make that decision, every time we need to.
I truly did choose to be the one at home. When we had Christopher, I could have found a job that paid nearly what my husband’s did at the time. The thing is, I didn’t WANT to work outside the home. I didn’t have a career I loved, then. Now, I don’t necessarily work in the home, either. I clean the bathrooms because they need to be cleaned. Pete scoops the litter when it needs to be scooped. We don’t have schedules and we don’t have assigned chores.
And we discuss this fact with our kids when the question “why does mommy stay home and daddy goes to work” comes up. Christopher has already decided that he wants to be the one to stay home with his children, and Sophie says that I’m going to take care of hers so she can be a doctor. Whatever, they’re young, but the thing is, they’ll know they truly have a choice.
I like coming here and reading “grown-up stuff”. I wish my brain worked enough for me to write things like this at my place!
November 28th, 2005 at 11:40 am, Felicity Says:
I have to say that I respectfully disagree with Dawn. Maybe there are some folks who can’t let go but for myself, I find that when I let go of things, they fall to shit. I can go to college at night IF i want to come home afterwards to find that DH has NOT fed the kids or has been unacceptably mean to them…I’d be more than happy to share some of the chores if I had someone competent enough to share with.
Uhm, which I guess explains why my marriage is sinking fast?
November 28th, 2005 at 11:48 am, ieatcrayonz Says:
“Fully 40 percent of highly qualified women with spouses felt that their husbands create more work around the house than they perform.”
Where are these women, and how long will it take for me to steal their husbands from them?
Okay, I manage the butter. My husband is one belt notch away from being a child. I blame his mother, for not requiring him to clean up after himself routinely or to cook any of his meals. We would never have butter, people!
Susan, I spend 90% of my day longing to be with my child, wondering what she’s doing, what new things she’s learning, or what new feats she’s accomplished. It would mean so much more to me to be a part of those things than to make my company money. It just doesn’t matter to me. Nor does it matter to me now to become “elite.”
When did feminism change from giving women the same freedoms as men to women wanting to overpower men? Granted, this country has a long way to go before salaries meet up on both side of the gender line. Maybe I’m the only one that sees it, but I find feminism alive and well in the choice that women take to stay at home with their children, to work from home, to work part-time. It’s not about the money anymore, it’s about doing what makes you happy.
November 28th, 2005 at 11:51 am, ieatcrayonz Says:
Let me clarify a statement made above whose incompleteness makes me look like a complete moron.
Where are the other 60% of women, and how long will it take for me to steal their husbands from them?
November 28th, 2005 at 1:07 pm, Andie D. Says:
I am no butter person either. I have a few dinner staples, and other than “Break and Bake” cookies, I just don’t cook. Frankly, I don’t grocery shop much either. My husband is better at both, and willing, so that’s the way it goes.
My husband’s company is in the middle of a merger right now, and we’ve talked about the possibility that he could be come a SAHD and I’d go back to work if need be. He’d be freakin’ fantastic. Probably better than me, frankly.
So why am I the one at home? Honestly, it’s partly because I’m the woman, the Mommy. But more it’s because I want to be home (for now). And my husband and I have made sacrifices and worked very hard for him to realize his dream of flying.
Is being a SAHM life long dream? Well, no. But I’m not yet sure what what that may be either.
November 28th, 2005 at 2:31 pm, Dawn Says:
Hey Felicity,
I didn’t say it was Easy to let go. Only that I have had to.
If I remained super competant, I would have ended up pulling an Andrea Yates on the whole family. I just chose to work and be happy about it. If that means my kid goes out the door with pink socks on with a red outfit, and oreo’s for snack, so be it.
I couldn’t be a stay or work at home Mom. I respect those who can and do make that choice. But for me? It would have been real bad news. I would have been an angry stay at home mom - more depressed than I ended up becoming. When I tell some people that, I get the “traitor to motherhood” look.
But again, I think the most difficult thing is that until it happens - you become a Mom - you really can’t know. They choices and paradoxes are all concealed behind a veil of what “good Women” and “good mothers” should, can and will do.
When the veil is lifted ( usually accompanied by sleep deprivation) , I found I wasn’t satisfied with the choices. That led to terrible post partum depression, which led to my being emotionally unavaliable for three years.
I will say to girlfriends - “It’s Ok to like to go to work. It’s also Ok to decide that you want to become the mom at home.” It’s just different for every woman.
November 28th, 2005 at 2:44 pm, Jack's Raging Mommy Says:
I agree that the “I don’t need to work” argument can be dangerous, but when I pair it with the fact that I don’t want to work I feel a lot better about it.
November 28th, 2005 at 3:18 pm, Susan Says:
Jesus pete you all are so smart. And so kind to each other–I am so appreciative that you can disagree with me and with each other and not resort to attacking. Which is, I think, what feminism really OUGHT to be about.
I’m still mulling all of this–the Hirschman essay and my own response to it and all of your responses to my response. I’m not done talking about this yet–tune in tomorrow . . .
November 28th, 2005 at 6:09 pm, the ockers Says:
Sorry to be chiming in AGAIN, after hijacking so early on in this converstaion but…
I incredibly interested in what you are all saying here about choices and gender.
To me it epecially interesting what ieatcrayonz points out…
“Fully 40 percent of highly qualified women with spouses felt that their husbands create more work around the house than they perform.”
I am one of these women.
and then saying “I blame his mother, for not requiring him to ‘do more’” makes me wonder if my DH is so amazing because he lost his mother to cancer when he was 12 years old and so life required more from him from a very early age. He treats women beautifully. He is heartbreakingly good at fathering our daughter. He is my BETTER HALF and that’s for sure.
AND I’m also in unison with SUSAN the Tulsa Anarchist when she says…
WE DEFINE OURSELVES. This is how it should be and seconding what DAWN said about how we don’t know what type of mum we’ll be until the baby arrives and the chaos begins… ultimately we have and make choices and should be more empowered and proactive about them. For Christ sake, we’re role models for them next generations… we’ve got to start asking some questions here about what’s going on!
YES SUSAN, Jobs are overrated. YES, Working people are treated like dogs these days. YES YES, Western society is much too commercialized on every level. & YES, life’s a bitch…but we’ve got these kids to raise and we’ve got to think about all this stuff and try and get it right for them. Let the party begin I say.
xC
November 28th, 2005 at 8:11 pm, Mary P. Says:
Oh, Susan, I appreciate you so much! I’ve been chewing this over for a couple of hours now, just loving the thinking, thinking, thinking. I need to go read the article, but I’m going to comment without doing that just yet, because I’m loving this conversation so much.
I have lived so many aspects of this problem. In my first marriage, I managed everything, both when I was working and when I was home with the kids. Felicity, I can so much relate to what you’re saying: it’s not even that you can’t bear to let some things slide, because it goes beyond aesthetics and into health and safety issues for your kids. My ex once told me he didn’t even think he liked our youngest. Which was when I started making my exit plans. (And never looked back - not for a second!)
Now I’m in a relationship of true equals. We each have specific major tasks that we’ve chosen by our inclinations, the small stuff gets done by whoever sees it, whenever.
I’ve worked outside the home, I’ve worked from the home, I’ve worked solely as a mother in the home. All of these were my choices at the time.
Now I work from the home as a childcare provider, a back-up mother to others’ children. I love it. Again, my choice - well, kind of. After the divorce, I had to have an income, but I wanted to be home, and how better to manage both than do what I wanted to do — for pay?
And I am routinely looked down upon because I’m “not using” my two degrees, because I’m “not living up to my potential”.
Since I’ve chosen a career I’m with so little external validation, I’d sure as hell better not let myself be defined by it! And I don’t. *I* know its value. I’m with Susan the anarchist on this one: this question of whether a woman is demeaned by “choosing” to stay home would be moot if we gave this work its proper value. Those who say women are demeaned by this choice have bought into the male, corporate-consumer world view. If the work we do at home were given its full value, men would be crying the blues that women are advantaged in this area of life by virtue of being the ones with wombs and breasts. Wouldn’t that be a kick - and why not?
Because that’s how *I* see it!
November 28th, 2005 at 9:51 pm, the ockers Says:
Hey MARY P, I’m also routinely looked down upon because I’m “not using” my THREE degrees, because I’m “not living up to my potential” as a graduate of 7 years University, 3 years lecturing at a University, 6 years working for an art magazine (4 of those being the assistant editor) and several other jobs along the way (at a gallery, a museum, assisting a freelance textile screenprinter & designer… a reforestation tree planter…oh and theres more, believe me…)… and it’s tiresome being frowned upon because I am not ’slaying dragons’ every day of the week… we ALL deserve a drink now, I think!
November 28th, 2005 at 11:59 pm, adria Says:
After reading the post and the comments, I believe I definitely made the correct choice of becoming a SAHM, and I feel it was the best choice for my family. I do not feel I have hit any sort of glass ceiling - my options are what I make of them. I am very fortunate to be able to do what I do everyday - even though, I complain and dread some aspects. I am so happy to say I married a man who is my partner, and I hope we pass our values regarding marriage and love onto our daughter and future children.
I will admit I am the queen of the butter in our home because I do all the cooking and baking, and I love it that way. I believe if I had another full-time job outside the home I would still be the butter queen.
November 29th, 2005 at 6:31 am, Felicity Says:
ok, ok. I was trying very hard not to comment AGAIN but here I am.
I think that all of the comments here are well-thought out and truthful and genuine.
I’m on board with everyone…I actually would love to manage the butter b/c I love to cook but I feel resentful that I am *expected* to cook every night despite the fact that MM gets home before I do in the afternoon.
Yes, he’s a crappy partner.
Yes, we define ourselves. Currently I’m toying with the idea of leaving my office job to return to bartending so that I can be home more with the kids and get more ME time during the day for what matters to me and feeds my soul–writing. I’m receiving all kinds of warnings–about how bartending is a dead-end job and what about paying into social security?
I think that what this discussion encompasses are the fluid social mores imposed upon us as moms, working in the home or out of it, and how we choose to internalize those expectations.
I have not read the article. It’s probably too long & too smart for me.
What we aren’t addressing here, and what I’ll bet the article doesn’t address, is how do single moms “opt-out”? They can’t…because we live in America, which is not especially child-friendly nor family-friendly.
November 29th, 2005 at 6:44 am, the ockers Says:
Hey Felicity, if you want to know where it’s child and women and family friendly, go to Scandinavia. they’ve collectively got the highest standard of living in the world and are very socially progressive. It’s certainly not kid friendly down here in Australia that’s for sure.
& I know you’d be certainly more happy if you had a ‘competent’ hubby to share everything with.
Uhm, yeah, I can see why your marriage is sinking fast. Poor Felicity
November 29th, 2005 at 7:06 am, Mary P. Says:
I did wonder as I read the article if the stats she cites are different in more family-friendly countries? The US standards of maternity and paternity leave are appalling, as are the minimal holidays, etc. - women are forced into an “either-or” position if they want to be home with their children for the first year or two.
Just curious.
November 29th, 2005 at 9:25 am, Misfit Hausfrau Says:
This has been such an interesting post and the comments are so well-thought.
I feel torn each and every day about my role in my family. I manage the butter because I am at home. Some days I love being the manager. Some days I resent it. I think it all stems from the fact that I left my full time career feeling battered and bruised and it still stings 2 + years later. I wonder if I would feel different had I left my career at the top of my game, or if I would have left immediately after my daughter was born. Instead, I left when I knew I was being forced out 6 months after the birth of my daughter. I sometimes feel as though I settled for being a SAHM because I couldn’t juggle my career and home. In my heart I know I was being a horrible mother when Ella was born by taking conference calls during maternity leave, working late nights, weekends, and travelling even though I was told I wouldn’t have to. All because I didn’t want to be perceived as not being a team player.
I will stay home until my 9 month old is 18 months old. At that time I will evaluate whether or not I want to continue my “management” career.
November 29th, 2005 at 9:45 am, KatieK Says:
Just before I got married my (stridently feminist) mother was visiting the apartment where I lived with my fiance. We were in the kitchen and she asked where something was and I said, “I don’t know. This is Sinan’s kitchen.” She said, “Katie, you’d better take charge of the kitchen now, or you never will!” It was as if she was momentarily possessed by an alien– um, hello? Very peculiar. Twenty years later we continue to co-manage the butter. I am more in charge of child care, but this is my definite choice. I have wrapped my work around her, but again that is how I want it. I don’t feel like I am missing out on a big career since I, like Jen, have created one that can be managed to a great extent from home. Wasn’t it Eleanor Roosevelt who said “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”? I feel the same way about this “household oppression” topic– it is what we make of it.
November 29th, 2005 at 10:16 am, Susan the Tulsa Anarchist Says:
A few more thoughts:
I’ll confess that I’m making copious use of 20-20 hindsight here, as my kids are nearly grown (almost 20 and almost 23) and I’ve been married for 25 years (to the same guy!)
My husband’s evolution has been interesting: from someone who didn’t like kids much and was reluctant to have them, couldn’t keep house or cook to save his life, and went home every weekend even at age 24 so his mom could do his laundry, into a good father who can cook for a crowd and hates a messy house enough that he cleans up without being asked. On Thanksgiving we had 15 people here: I did the turkey and fixings and he did all the cleaning, with the boys’ help.
I think there are two key ingredients in learning to work as partners in a marriage: willingness to grow and change, and good communication. All the communication in the world won’t help if one person doesn’t want to be a partner, and all the flexibility in the world won’t help if you can’t talk clearly and honestly with each other.
Another thing that has helped a lot is that both T and I hate housework and therefore are very patient with one another about it. He understands perfectly why the bathrooms are dirty and I understand why his office looks like his file cabinets exploded.
I guess I don’t like the “just don’t do it” approach to housework because it seems kind of passive-aggressive and childish to me when guys do that, so why emulate them? We all need to grow up, not regress.
As far as my thoughts on the dignity of ALL workers, and working conditions in the USA, I could go on and on, but I’ll spare you since this isn’t a political website. Susan, I don’t remember if I told you this, but the guy who is the music director at Epiphany RC church on Britton Rd. is also the director of the Catholic Worker house in OKC, which is doing some amazing work among the poor and on behalf of workers like the ones that are about to lose their GM jobs.
November 29th, 2005 at 10:49 am, Kristen Says:
I have a degree and job experience that allows me a higher “earning potential” (at least with a corporation) than my husband, who operates his own business from the house. I was laid off when pregnant with my second child and we tried the scenario of me staying home with the kids and my husband working a full time job (for health insurance and extra income) AND running his business, but it was insane, and we never saw each other.
Now I am working and my husband is working from home and with the kids all week. In this situation, we HAVE to be partners, and he HAS to manage at least a little of the butter. I agree that it’s VERY difficult for me to let go of some of the WAYS he may choose to manage the butter, but this is definitely the best situation for us.
I just think it’s interesting that so many moms feel they are forced to be the one to stay home and/or manage all of the aspects of the household, especially as more and more dads are the stay at home parents or the parent with more time to devote to home and kid “duties”. I would say this is less an issue of weak feminism and more an issue of weak partnerships, or at least partnerships that should be more clearly defined. But I guess every partnership always has room for improvement.
November 29th, 2005 at 11:14 am, Susan Says:
Anarchist Susan, you make a good point about how opting out of the dusting is the very thing we criticize men for doing. That’s not winning the war; it’s just surrendering to the dirt. Or something like that.
Here is what I wanted to say in the original post: I have never had a job that consisted ENTIRELY of responsibilities that I loved. Caring for my children is no different; there are things I am passionate about, things I don’t mind, and things I would rather not do (cook, for example). This is all well and good.
What I find unsettling–and I think you all do, too–is the cultural expectation that women will wholeheartedly embrace every aspect of maternity; that we will willingly give up our jobs, our nice furniture, our own hobbies and pursuits in the service of our children. I think these women, in real life, are few and far between (although I do know a few)–for the most part, the mommies I know are trying to find a balance of family/work/self/whatever. We read and shop for shoes and write and watch kid-unfriendly TV. We are not the mommy all the time.
But motherhood–in advertising and in political and social rhetoric–is always represented as a higher calling, as something better than ‘working.’ This is the crux of the ‘Mommy Wars’–who makes a better parent, the woman who works or the woman who stays home? In reality, neither–or both.
What is the most interesting to me in this discussion (beyond the fact that it is so very CIVIL, for which I thank you all) is the way that ALL OF US are struggling with some aspect of butter management. First-wave feminism promised us that once we had the CHOICE, it would all be easy–we would control our own destinies, and that would empower us and open up wonderful options. But the reality is that every choice–especially the choice to be a parent–is fraught with its own pitfalls. The butter, if you will.
November 29th, 2005 at 11:39 am, Kara Says:
oh my goodness. susan, you hit a nerve. i have so much to say but will leave it to somethng i read somewhere which i repeat to myself often: “the most important thing she’d learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.”
being human is not easy.
November 29th, 2005 at 12:17 pm, theyellowwallpaper Says:
Holy cow…I’m really coming in at the tale end of these very insightful comments. So, for what it’s worth here are some random thoughts on SAHMs. The danger of articles (warning: I did not read it) about feminism, are the blanket generalizations. After the first wave of feminism, we learned that try as we might, women are not men. Now, decades later, it’s time to embrace the fact that there is not a stereotypical woman.
Like any other job, there are those that are more inclined to enjoy being a SAHM. For instance, not everyone excels at sales or management for that matter. It’s preposterous to assume that every women wants to be a SAHM and would enjoy doing so. On the flipside, I know many women who thoroughly enjoy the responsibility and time with their family. This is what they want to do, even if there is butter involved.
For the majority of people in this country, a job is just that: a job. It pays the bills and allows for the things that matter, their family, their home, etc. There are those lucky enough to really enjoy their vocation (my hubby for instance), but still, this is not the center of most people’s lives; it is their family.
Admittedly, I do miss the workforce as a SAHM. Sometimes I cringe at the daily repetition of cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc. But, I did choose this job and take the responsibility seriously. I’m fully aware that I’ll never get a promotion, a plaque or mention in a newsletter for my good deeds. Because I know I need conversation and intellectual stimulation, I do get out each week without the kids. Whether it’s to see a movie, read a paper in a bookstore or have wine with friends. And of course, I blog and read other smart, intelligent Moms who do the same.
November 29th, 2005 at 12:43 pm, Susan, TTA Says:
But the reality is that every choice–especially the choice to be a parent–is fraught with its own pitfalls. The butter, if you will.
Indeed. My experience has been that pat answers and simple choices are unsatisfactory in the long run. All hail chaos and complication!
Off-topic: my verification word is qukqu. Quack-quack? Did someone have duck for Thanksgiving? Is it haunting Friday Playdate?
November 29th, 2005 at 4:38 pm, the ockers Says:
YES Ditto Misfit Hausfrau and so eloquently said too.
and thanks for starting this discussion Susan, it’s been good for all of us to have a think and a rant.
xC
November 29th, 2005 at 5:21 pm, Susan Says:
Please, PLEASE feel free to keep this going–I only wish I could get you all in a room with an endless supply of martinis and talk and talk and talk about all these things.
Butter for everyone!
November 29th, 2005 at 5:35 pm, Susan, TTA Says:
I’ll come have a martini with you. I need an excuse to go to OKC and I can do some Xmas shopping while I’m there. I’ll even bring a homemade cake for the boys!
November 29th, 2005 at 5:48 pm, the ockers Says:
lol yeah getting me over from Australia for a martini would be soooper faaabulous Susan. love it, love it, love it…
November 30th, 2005 at 8:37 am, Rayne of Terror Says:
I was interrupted from commenting Monday by a phone call. I immediately asked this friend what she thought about the butter because I feel conflicted about the butter. Sometimes I love the butter and othertimes it makes me so mad. She and I both had mothers who primarily stayed home, though they both occassionally had part time jobs and earned extra degrees. She had just returned from a thanksgiving run by a stay at home dad who doesn’t know where the butter is and she found it totally maddening.
Anyway everytime I get mad about how much butter I have to look after I think about my out. I’m returning to law school in 6 weeks. But then I think about how my husband (whose mothere did EVERYTHING) has gotten quite complcent about the butter and how much of an upheaval we’re going to have when I need so much time to myself for the next 3 semesters.
I didn’t choose to get pregnant. I didn’t choose to stay home. The baby was born on the first day of the semester so I couldn’t go back and the graduation and bar requirements/timeline kept me home for a year. But even though being home has been depressing it has also been wonderful. Which I guess is the same way I’d describe working at the Illinois Senate prior to school, and also school itself. So maybe that’s just the way I am.
Anyway, I have loved this discussion. I rarely comment, but read every day.
November 30th, 2005 at 7:03 pm, L. Says:
Am I the only one remembering Marlon Brando in “Last Tango in Paris” saying, “Get the butter!” …?
Yeah, I thought so….
Seriously, the only emotion I had when I read Hirschman`s article was ordinary anger, that she seems to think there`s something wrong with what I`m doing. I didn`t refectively wonder if I was letting womankind down, because I “opted out.” Perhaps there`s something wrong with me? Maybe I`m missing something? I won`t be losing any sleep over this.
November 30th, 2005 at 8:00 pm, the ockers Says:
Hi L, yes, I thought about Last Tango in Paris too and had a giggle about that too
December 1st, 2005 at 12:19 am, L. Says:
Ockerbarnes, glad I`m not the only one. But what they did with the butter wasn`t exactly feministing!
And contrary to what Hirschman says in her article, just `cause lots of women don`t mind, or actually LIKE doing the household butter stuff, doesn`t mean all of us let men off the hook and lower all our expectations.
December 1st, 2005 at 6:53 am, Susan Says:
L, I think that’s the most significant problem with this essay–and with this line of feminist theory in general. There is a distinction between pragmatic choices and choice as a rhetorical trope; we all make actual CHOICES (what brand of butter to buy, if you will) but I’ve come to think that those choices are NOT what Hirschman and other third-wave feminists are talking about. Which is why, for so many women, it doesn’t feel like feminism is really about our lives any more.
December 2nd, 2005 at 2:06 pm, martha Says:
I can thank my own ADD tendencies that I’m pretty much as unlikely to know where the butter is as my husband. I think of myself as a feminist. My husband and I both work from home, and spend pretty much equal time with the kids. The gender issue shows up in our household primarily in the inequity of how much money we make. And money is power. I know that to my roots by now. But it’s a complex equation– I don’t make as much money in part because of the profession I’ve chosen (I’m a muralist), and partly because I have a great deal of trouble asking for what I’m worth, which of course is another gender related issue. Interesting discussion.