September 24, 2007
talkin’ ’bout my generation
This was our first weekend of full-blown pee wee soccer. Henry has played a couple of seasons before this, but it was always in the little buddy leagues, the ones where the coaches are on the field with the kids and no one keeps score and the whole idea is to learn some skills and have fun.
Also, his teams have always sucked. What?!? It’s true.
This year, though, things are different. Technically, I don’t think we’re really supposed to keep score, although we’ve had at least one ref in the past few games who was both keeping and ANNOUNCING the score. Henry’s coach keeps track of how many goals each kid scores (Henry had four on Saturday and one on Sunday) and tells them at the end of every game. The kids are learning to play offense and defense, and to pass and steal and set up for actual plays.
And he’s on a team with some really GOOD players, kids who have clearly grown up around soccer, kids who can dribble and slide tackle and knock the ball into the goal with their heads.
For the first time ever, he’s on a team that is winning. And he’s having a great time.
The parents who are coaching Henry’s team are fantastic; they are encouraging and enthusiastic and genuinely excited. And they want to win, so they push the kids to play harder and better and score goals. But they also cheer for every good effort and high five every missed shot and hug everyone when the game is over.
And they remind the kids that they are winning, and that winning is fun.
I love this attitude. I don’t know what happened in the last couple of decades, but somewhere along the line we lost the idea that healthy, sportsmanlike competition was good for kids. We forgot that winning is fun, and that the goal of winning teaches kids to play harder and smarter. It makes them better athletes, this desire to win. And when we teach them to win with grace and kindness and good manners, it makes them better people.
Charlie’s team doesn’t keep score; they play three on three with a coach on the field. His league is all about learning skills and learning rules and learning what it means to be on a team. I think it’s good for kids, especially little ones, to start that way. I hope Charlie masters enough basics to have fun. I hope he stops doing cartwheels between plays. I hope he keeps waking up in the morning and asking if he is going to play soccer today.
And then I hope that when he’s Henry’s age, he can take all of that–that energy and enthusiasm and skill–and play hard and well and win. Or lose, but lose trying.
It’s okay to win; it’s also okay to lose. It’s okay to say that one team played better or ran harder or had stronger skills. You can say all of those things to a child without making him feel bad. This whole trend away from score keeping and competition, this urge to teach kids that everyone is equal and that the playing field (if I may) is always level makes me crazy. Not everyone is good at everything. Period. Some of us have natural talent, some of us have social advantages, some of us have a deep desire to succeed. It is important to recognize and acknowledge those things, in yourself and in your child and in others. If my kids don’t get anything else out of sports, I hope they learn how to win and lose gracefully, how to play as part of a team, how to do their best. Healthy competition–supportive, constructive, enthusiastic competition–builds character.
My generation of parents doesn’t really believe this, it seems. We believe that saying NO to our kids harms their self esteem, that uniforms restrict creativity, that keeping score encourages hurt feelings.
I don’t buy any of that. In fact, I think we’re underestimating our kids and their ability to dig deep and succeed, and to feel good about making the effort.
Winning is fun; doing your best is fun; being part of a team is fun. Being told that everyone is equal and that no one is better than anyone else is boring. I’m tired of pretending that no one wins. I’m proud of Henry for playing hard and paying attention and–yes–for scoring five goals this weekend. And he is proud of himself, because he knows he accomplished something.
Now if I can just get Charlie to stop with the cartwheels.
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September 24th, 2007 at 1:39 pm, 3carnations Says:
My son is three years old, so I am still at the point where I don’t want to hear anyone utter anything but how fantastic he is at something. However, I concede that as he gets older, it is necessary that he learn that in some games there is a winner and a…well, not winner. I’ve heard of not keeping track in little league, and that causes kids to grow up with a misguided notion that everyone wins everything, and I don’t think that will serve them well as they get older.
September 24th, 2007 at 1:55 pm, Lisa Milton Says:
Amen.
I always cringe at those commercials for the beginning of American Idol - the ones with the stage Moms pushing their delusional children into thinking this is their ticket to stardom. And the kid can’t sing. At all.
I hear ya. Let them learn to distinguish skill sets for themselves…
September 24th, 2007 at 2:00 pm, Busy Mom Says:
I, too, am tired of the trend of no competition, no scores, everyone gets a trophy, etc.
That’s not life, and, you’re right, there is much to be gained from making an effort, playing hard, and, learning some skills.
As a matter of fact, the “everyone’s great!” movement has contributed to a certain little blonde girl’s delusion about some of her abilities that will be squashed flat in high school next year.
Go, Henry!
September 24th, 2007 at 2:09 pm, Becky Says:
Susan,
I just have to tell you how much I agree with this post! My husband (and I) are coaching my daughter’s soccer team this year and although we don’t keep score the girls always knows if we actually won or lost…they keep track. But, they also know that they are all winners regardless if they win or lose as long as they tried their best and worked hard! We have been so fortunate to have great parental support and many of the girls love the game. We have a few “flower-pickers” (as we like to call them) but the team as a whole is progressing and learning and having fun!!! That’s what it’s all about. We’d all like to win all of the games, but we also know that it just isn’t possible in the game of soccer but more importantly the game of life!!! So, anyway, thanks for this post. It hits very close to home!
September 24th, 2007 at 3:38 pm, Annika Says:
Hear, hear!
September 24th, 2007 at 6:13 pm, Amy Says:
I’m with you on this. After years of watching kids go to practices where no one seemed to have any idea of what the kids were supposed to be practicing because we were just here to have! fun! and never keep score!, we’ve learned to either coach our kids’ teams or request coaches who will come to practice with concrete goals for the kids. Maybe all they want the kids to get is which direction to kick the ball, and that’s fine, but for gosh sake’s have something for them to DO.
We all feel good when we learn new skills. Most of us like to win sometimes, and the kids ALWAYS know which team scored the most goals or runs, in my experience.
September 24th, 2007 at 7:50 pm, Leigh Says:
Amen sista! Jack’s team does not keep score and there are no winners, but it’s a first year team with kids who have never played before. I think that’s great for him to get the hang of it and learn about soccer. I’m hoping he likes it enough to continue next year and next year when he asks “mommy did we win?”…I can say yes you kicked that other teams butt!
September 24th, 2007 at 7:53 pm, Susan Says:
I should clarify: I like that in the little buddy leagues, for the kids who are three or four or five, it’s NOT about winning but about skills and teamwork and having fun. But Henry is seven and he’s in first grade and he KNOWS that the team who scores the most goals wins. And that’s okay, I think, as long as he ALSO learns that being gracious and sportsmanlike–win OR lose–is the most important skill of all.
That’s all I’m saying.
September 24th, 2007 at 7:53 pm, camille z Says:
My son is now on a winning and losing team and is thriving–and becoming a great team member. But still my favorite soccer moment came a few years ago, at 4, when this fiercely competitive little guy stopped in the middle of a pre-k “game” and picked a flower and ran it over to me. Because he thought it was pretty and momma would like it.
Enjoy the cartwheels.
September 24th, 2007 at 8:55 pm, Mark Says:
My 5 year old was pouting after her first game this year in the YMCA League, I ask her what was wrong and she said “we lost”. She is 5, and is keeping score.
They know what is going on out there, and are going to get competitive, even when some parents are trying to hold them back.
I agree 100% Susan, as they get older, the competition will grow. And that is a good thing.
September 24th, 2007 at 9:40 pm, Stephanie Says:
Amen, amen!
September 25th, 2007 at 2:40 am, Rebecca Says:
One of the biggest cultural differences I’ve found since we moved from the U.S. to the U.K. is that competition and winning and losing are still alive and well here. Not only are sports teams competitive from a fairly young age (though my 3 year old’s football — AKA soccer — class is still doing the “have fun” thing), but the schools encourage competiton in many things as well.
It threw me at first, I’ll admit, to see kids holding trophies or crowned “student of the week” or awarded first place ribbons for things without an obvious we’ll-get-to-everyone rotation. But you know what? My kids’ self esteem is as strong as ever. They’re pleased for their friends when they succeed and they work hard for their own successes — AND they don’t have unrealistic views of their abilities or expectations for the future. I’m definitely a believer now in a little bit of healthy competition.
September 25th, 2007 at 8:25 am, Christine Says:
Ya’ know, if a kid can count, they are keeping score!
I tend to spend most of my time saying things like, “Look how great you did!! You didn’t pick your nose that WHOLE INNING!! High Five, Dude!!!”
September 25th, 2007 at 9:33 am, Susan Says:
Christine, that’s funny.
Rebecca, I hadn’t thought about how competition can ALSO teach kids to value OTHER kids’ successes. I like that idea a lot; we don’t always win, but we can certainly celebrate someone else’s win.
Thank you!
September 25th, 2007 at 9:40 am, cce Says:
Yup, competition is good. And also, the lesson that some people excel at things because they try harder than others is also an important one for kids to learn. My children spent the first four or five years of their lives being frustrated that they weren’t excellent at the things they just started. Having always been told that they are good and smart and wonderful, they thought things like piano and math and reading and sports should come easy. Now that true competition is allowed (they are now 6 and 8), they finally see that persistence and effort are essential to success. Not everyone can just show up and win the trophy. The sooner children learn this, the better off they’ll be.
September 25th, 2007 at 10:09 am, Elizabeth Says:
Yes. Yes. Yes.
You are so right that it’s pretending when we don’t acknowledge there’s a winner. The kids know it’s not honest and it’s confusing.
Having no winner may soften the blow for the losing team, but it also dulls the victory for the winner.
Great post, Susan.
September 25th, 2007 at 1:25 pm, mamalang Says:
I totally agree. I have them spread a little more (14, 9, and 4). The 14 year old got her first year of trying out for a sport this year…and she didn’t make it. So she’s the manager. I told her, you need to learn more and if you are at the practices and games, you’ll learn something. Myabe that you hate that sport, that you hate being a manager, or that you love it, but you’ll learn something. I didn’t force her to be the manager, she chose too on her own. The last few years were spent at a middle school that is really small…if you came out for the team, you pretty much got to play. They lost a lot. It was good for her. She learned to lose gracefully, and she appreciates winning even more.
I completely agree that we’ve taken the make everyone the same thing too far…and when they are in the real world, it’s going to cause a lot of problems. How many of you have interviewed for a job and didn’t get it? Imagine if you had never lost before…you had always been told you are the same as everyone else…how do you handle that rejection? We need to instill a healthy sense of self in our kids, not an overinflated one.
Sorry, off my soapbox now…
September 25th, 2007 at 4:15 pm, Crisanne Says:
I remember my mom telling me that she “encouraged” my brother to play baseball because he was NOT very good at it. He’s super intelligent and most things came easily for him. She wanted to be sure he knew what it was like to work for success and even still fail sometimes.
September 26th, 2007 at 6:27 am, Lori Says:
Unfortunately, I’m reminded of a channel-surfing spree where I paused on Comedy Central. I saw a commercial for Carlos Mencia. He was saying that “participation trophies are bull…” well you get the idea.
I think it would make me feel worse to get a consolation prize. “You came in dead last, so here’s a little something to remember the occasion by.” HA!
Competition is healthy and good. I don’t intend on making up crap to make my children feel like they won when they lost. I also don’t understand parents letting their children win games all the time. It’s not healthy! They need to learn that losing is part of life. Why not learn it when they’re young and an ice cream cone can bring them back to happiness?
September 26th, 2007 at 7:28 am, Woulda Coulda Shoulda » Our job is to teach them to suck it up Says:
[…] wrote a great post about this recently, and you should go read the whole thing because she says so much of what I want say, but this in particular sticks with me: If my kids […]
September 26th, 2007 at 12:33 pm, D Says:
Last year at my son’s karate school, there was a costume contest and one of the parents said, “Oh, everyone’ll get prizes.” The dojo said, “No.” Shock on this parent’s face and she managed to sputter out “Why?” and the dojo said, “Because you don’t always win in life. Rewarding someone for showing up isn’t a reward, it’s expected that you’ll show up, be on time, and do your duty.” Could’ve knocked that parent over with a feather.
Am I mean for smiling and saying “Go dojo!”?
September 26th, 2007 at 8:09 pm, Emily Says:
I can remember so clearly the day my father no longer let me win and the race to bed game. I cried and cried and he picked me up and hugged me and told me that sometimes people don’t win and I wasn’t always going to win either. It was one of the best lessons I ever learned, life isn’t fair but don’t give up just because it won’t always go your way. If only more kids realized that the world would be much better.
April 21st, 2008 at 3:53 pm, Erika Says:
I am a little late but I found you through…I don’t know who but I started reading your archives. I just had to comment and say, YES! I have been frowned at by other parents when I kept score or told my son what the score was during the basketball game. I love how he hussled even more when they are down. He didn’t cry when they lost. He just said, “I will work harder next time”. I was so glad because I know how hard he will have to work in life. I want him to start early.