October 22, 2006
superheroes don’t need no stinkin’ house keys
Where to start, where to start . . .
Henry locked us out of the house this morning. At 7:45 am. We were on the way to take Wade to the airport, and somehow Henry locked the knob on the garage door and VOILA we were locked out!
Me: Did you get your phone?
Wade: I think I have everything, but I’ll go back in and check one more time.
Henry (standing behind Wade’s running car): Charlie! Look at the exhaust!
Me: Henry! Get in the car!
Wade: Do you have your house keys?
Me: No. Charlie! GET IN THE CAR! Why?
Wade: Because the door is locked.
Me: God DAMN it. HENRY! GET IN THE CAR ALREADY! Dammit.
Wade (laughing): It’s fine. Let’s go.
So the whole way to the airport I’m freaking out because OH MY GOD what if we can’t get back in the HOUSE? And because I know you’re wondering, yes, I usually carry my house keys, and no, they’re not on the ring with my car keys, and yes, I used to have a spare set in a Secret Hiding Place, and no, they’re not there any more because I dug them up and used them one day when my garage door opener wouldn’t work and then I, uh, put them someplace safe. And my everyday house keys were on the night stand in the bedroom, right where I left them when I went to Kansas City.
INSIDE THE LOCKED HOUSE.
Rest assured, I’ve put them back in my bag.
All the way to the airport, while I’m trying not to hyperventillate because Wade is leaving town and the kids are in their pajamas and we are LOCKED OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE, Henry is coming up with various scenarios to explain How the Door Got Locked. None of them involve him playing with the door knob while Wade was loading the luggage in the car and I was helping Charlie find his shoes, which is funny because THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED, but whatever. I’ve got my head between my knees and I’m trying to think about how precisely I will get back in the damn house and why on earth I left my coffee on the kitchen table instead of bringing it out with me and what will happen if Wade has forgotten his cell phone because if he has then someone will CERTAINLY break a bone in the next three days. Meanwhile, Wade is listening to Henry’s stories and very calmly and patiently saying, “No, buddy, I don’t think that’s what happened,” to every theory (aliens! locked the door! the Legion of Doom! locked the door!). Until Henry makes the mistake of saying, “Daddy, I think YOU locked the door.”
Wade: NO, I DIDN’T, and we are ALL DONE TALKING ABOUT IT.
Henry: But . . .
Wade: No. We’re done talking.
Fortunately for everyone, Wade’s parents not only have spare keys to our house but they have a PLACE for everyone’s spare keys, so when we walked into their kitchen totally unnannounced at 8:30 this morning, my mother-in-law was able to put her hands right on the keys, despite the fact that she had clearly just woken up and hadn’t even had her tea yet. Thank god.
Wade called this afternoon, to be sure that we weren’t camped out at Starbucks in our pajamas, and to tell me that on his walk from the hotel where he’s staying to the hotel where the conference is being held, he passed a Nordstrom, a Saks Fifth Avenue, and a Marshall Fields.
Me: Shut UP!
Henry: Don’t say SHUT UP to Daddy!
Wade: I knew you would like that.
Me: The next place we move needs to have a Nordstrom.
Wade: I’ll see what I can do.
Yes please. And soon.
Posted by Susan @ 7:14 pm • Uncategorized
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October 22nd, 2006 at 8:35 pm, Sheryl Says:
your mother-in-law is my hero.
October 22nd, 2006 at 8:38 pm, Karen Rani Says:
I bet Wade DID lock the door.
October 22nd, 2006 at 8:39 pm, daysgoby Says:
I love that Wade laughed.
And I am thrilled that another parent uses the ‘All done talking about it’ line.
Because it WORKS.
And, your Mom In Law? Astounding.
October 22nd, 2006 at 9:18 pm, The June Cleaver Diaries Says:
Yeah, that was ME who deleted 2 comments.
Anyhoo, what I was TRYING to say, was how can OKC not have a Nordstrom?
And are you just looking for a new house, or a house in another city?
BTW, one of Hausfrau’s friends is a buyer for Nordstrom. Hello, dream job!
October 22nd, 2006 at 9:36 pm, Melissa Says:
Oh, Henry!
I’m thinking you should move TO a Nordstrom. That should work, right?
And I use the “all done talking about it” line, too. At about that same point in the conversation, usually.
October 22nd, 2006 at 10:49 pm, scribbit Says:
You know, when I replaced our garage door this spring for $50 we added one of those keyless entry pads for the garage door. The first week it was installed we locked ourselves out and that was all it took to convince me we’d made a great investment
October 23rd, 2006 at 5:54 am, Liz Says:
I read your entries and I have to repeat to myself “The grass isn’t always greener…” Because I LOVE YOUR FAMILY so much!!!
HOW do you keep such a positive attitude? I admire it.
Yeah and your mother in law rocks.
October 23rd, 2006 at 7:51 am, Jenny Says:
Dude. I have a headache just from reading this.
You poor, poor thing.
October 23rd, 2006 at 7:57 am, Jonathon Says:
That would’ve stressed me out beyond belief. Note to self: stop Little-E from screwing around with the front door.
October 23rd, 2006 at 8:02 am, MJ Says:
I don’t need any help from small children to lock myself out. I can do it all by myself. And I do. Luckily, my neighbour has a set of keys.
Didn’t Wade buy you a pair of shoes? Surely he must know your size.
October 23rd, 2006 at 8:18 am, Velma Says:
Note to self: Give someone, ANYONE, a spare set of keys! I’m so screwed if this ever happens.
Do you see what a crucial public service you are performing here, Susan?
October 23rd, 2006 at 8:37 am, Karyn Says:
Boston has a Nordstrom’s!
Actually, it’s Newton , which is just outside Boston near Wellesley, but that’s just splitting hairs.
GO EAST!
That is a great story by the way, and sounds exactly like our family only Wade didn’t blame YOU for the door being locked which is how it usually works in this house because I am the only ovary holder and the XY Chromosome contingent think that means I am also keeper of the keys and holder-together-of-all-things.
I could possibly be premenstrual right now. Hard to tell.
MOVE TO BOSTON!
October 23rd, 2006 at 8:38 am, Karyn Says:
June Cleaver,
Can you find out from Hausfrau how one becomes a buyer??? Rachel on Friends did it and she and I are a lot alike but I can’t put that on my resume.
Crap.
October 23rd, 2006 at 10:04 am, Undercover Mutha Says:
Did this experience teach you nothing woman?
Only move if there are local responsible relatives there (preferably next door to Nordstrom) with a designated spot for your spare keys.
October 23rd, 2006 at 11:14 am, Crunchy Carpets Says:
We have spare keys with every living relative.
I locked myself and my mom out once while she was cleaning our front stoop.
It was an old wartime home, built like a bunker….we had to get a guy to rip out the entire frame of the door to get int.
October 23rd, 2006 at 1:14 pm, The June Cleaver Diaries Says:
Karyn–
I have noooo idea. Email Hausfrau she may know how to do it—
misfithausfrau.blogspot.com
October 23rd, 2006 at 2:15 pm, The Daring One Says:
I locked myself out of the house a while back, went to get the keys from the secret place, only to realize I’d buried keys before we had the house rekeyed so I was still locked out. I’m sure Dan enjoyed taking the break from work to come rescue us. I’m glad you all survived.
October 23rd, 2006 at 3:05 pm, Kristen Says:
GAH. The kids and their constant Doing Stuff Behind Your Back While You’re Dealing With The Other Kid! It never ends. I’m so glad your MIL had a spare key.
October 23rd, 2006 at 8:43 pm, chris Says:
You KNOW Wade did it and is trying to blame poor Henry.
And my husband called me and he is eating sushi and then going to a sports bar for drinks. And silly me thought it was a business trip
October 24th, 2006 at 2:41 pm, Mrs. Chicken Says:
Sadly. Urbana does not have a Nordstroms. But we do have a Macy’s that caters to Midwestern tastes.
woohoo
Won’t you be my neighbor?