June 20, 2007
summer should always be exactly like this
This morning, I got up at 5:45 to balance the checkbook. I made coffee and sat at the kitchen table with my laptop and my bank statement and listened to the finches in the yard while I tried to figure out who on earth deposited $705.00 in our checking account on June 4.
It was us, of course. We’re just forgetful.
The boys got up and we ate breakfast and ran errands. Wade went to Phoenix yesterday, but he was coming home at lunch time, so we were trying to Get Things Done before then. We stopped mid morning for a snack and when Charlie was finished he danced around the kitchen for fifteen minutes singing every variation “JINGLE BELLS BATMAN SMELLS!” he knows. I was trying to work, but I kept having to stop what I was doing to answer questions, most of which had to do with when EXACTLY Henry could play on the computer, and hear reports, all of which were about how Charlie didn’t like the way Henry was playing. Finally, after saying, “Just let me FINISH this ONE thing,” 3789 times, I said, “Let’s go feed the critters!”
We took some hot dog buns and walked down to the lake (which is about two blocks away and is really more of a “lake”) and threw bread to the turtles. We’ve done this every day this week, but after last night’s rain, the water was way up and the fish were all hiding. Charlie was disappointed; he likes it when the fish swarm to the surface for the stale bread. We stood and watched the rushing water in the creek for a long time, and the boys threw sticks and leaves and stones and marveled at how they were all immediately lost in the surge.
Wade called, from his cell phone, just as we came in the house, to say that he was leaving the airport and would be home in fifteen minutes. But we talked anyway, about how our bank has already sold our mortgage (after TWO WEEKS!) and about how much rain we got last night. When he came home, the boys ran to get their rubber band airplanes to show him, because he HAD to see them RIGHT THEN.
We had lunch, and then we all went to the pool, and when we came home, Charlie and I sat in the sun porch and had a popsicle (Charlie) and an iced coffee (me). Now, Wade has gone to get a haircut and Charlie is asleep on the sofa in the playroom and Henry is building something with Legos and I’m getting work done. In an hour or so, I’m going to leave to run errands and meet Christa for dinner. By myself.
I might even have a glass of wine with my salad. Imagine!
The other day, Lindsay started a firestorm, with one small sentence: “This I believe: Being a stay-at-home mom, even with four kids and no help with cooking or cleaning, is not that hard, certainly not as hard as many bellyaching moms in magazines and on TV and the Internet (no, I’m not talking about anyone specifically!) would have us believe.” When I first read this, I cringed and thought Oh, Lindsay, have you LOST your MIND?
But then I thought about it, and I think she’s right.
Mostly.
Let’s get a few things off the table: “hard” is a relative term, for starters. What is hard for me (cooking, for example) may be easy for you, and vice versa. And, as Lindsay said in a follow-up post, there are extenuating circumstances that make being a SAHM incredibly difficult.
But what if you don’t have any extenuating circumstances? What if you have a good marriage and healthy children and enough money and comprehensive health care? What then?
I think Lindsay’s point was this: it’s incredibly chic these days to talk endlessly about how isolating and frustrating and, yes, hard it is to stay home with children. It is less cool to say I love being home with my kids, unless you’re saying it in an ironic sort of way. Recently a reader at Judith Warner’s New York Times blog remarked that Warner always seemed discontented with her life. But maybe, the commenter theorized, Warner was emphasizing the worst parts of parenthood because she was a writer and that’s what writers do. There is truth in that, I think; the hard days make for better content than the easy days. I think it’s too simple to say being a SAHM isn’t THAT hard but I don’t know that any of us has the language–yet–to talk about what we actually DO all day, and how we measure it.
Today was a good day with my kids. Most of the days, honestly, are like this. But we have a beautiful home and plenty of money in our checking account (an extra seven hundred dollars, in fact!) and a Daddy who can–and will–take off work on a Wednesday just because he misses his kids. And honestly, it’s not the hard days that are hard to write about; it’s the easy days. Discontent makes for better content. But it doesn’t really make for a better life.
Posted by Susan @ 2:44 pm • Uncategorized
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June 20th, 2007 at 4:37 pm, LMS Says:
Great post - please write a book, I’ll buy it!
June 20th, 2007 at 5:37 pm, Janssen Says:
Very few things are as awesome as opening your bank account page and realizing you have more money than you expected. Hooray!
June 20th, 2007 at 5:38 pm, Lisa Milton Says:
You hit the nail on the head.
Thanks.
June 20th, 2007 at 7:41 pm, chris Says:
You know that thing about being a SAHM to me that is difficult is the everydayness of it. The doing it over and over again. My god i just fed you yesterday!
As I sit here typing this, or trying to, Miles is kissing me over and over again. “I kiss you nose now, mama”
And my point if i had one is lost.
But, I think that was money
June 20th, 2007 at 7:42 pm, chris Says:
MY money I meant to say. Obviously it was money.
See what having kids does to your brain????
June 20th, 2007 at 10:52 pm, Mary Tsao Says:
I totally get what you’re saying. Obviously not enough to articulate my thoughts into a good comment about it, but yes, I get it.
June 21st, 2007 at 12:19 am, Karianna Says:
Sounds lovely.
Especially the extra money part.
June 21st, 2007 at 5:10 am, Blythe Says:
I’ve found that reading too many blogs on any subject can make said subject seem negative and terrifying. I think you’re right; it’s easier to pour out frustration into a keyboard than to talk about how great everything is. Also, writing about the good stuff feels a little like gloating.
That’s true in offline life too, I guess; I didn’t expect having a child to be so much fun because all I’d heard was sleep deprivation and bodily fluids. People feel silly gushing about The Loveliness of Motherhood. They (we) shouldn’t.
June 21st, 2007 at 5:51 am, Blythe Says:
In fact, I decided to stop writing a novel in your comments section and put up a post about it:
http://theblythespirit.blogspot.com/2007/06/scare-tactic.html
June 21st, 2007 at 7:05 am, Arwen Says:
I was at home with Noodle for 2 months and I loved it. She was 5 so I could communicate with her pretty easily, we didn’t worry too much about money and it was summer. It was far easier than traveling for work and implementing IT but I had a cushy deal.
June 21st, 2007 at 7:12 am, elise Says:
Yup, great post.
I think one thing that I’m not sure SAHM writers really think about when they’re writing is their audience who are NOT yet mothers.
The picture the complaining, caustic, cynical SAHM paints is not a pretty one. Like, at all. It’s really, really discouraging for those of us who are more than likely gonna be moms, but just aren’t there yet.
It kinda makes us not want to go there at all. Because to read about it, why would we?
June 21st, 2007 at 7:45 am, bgirl Says:
Funny, because I actually had a mommy-friend complain to me that I made my life sound too rosey on my blog. But - I’m not a SAHM, I work part-time, so being at home in the afternoons means I get the best of both worlds…OR maybe I’m just a pleaser who wants everything to be perfect so I laugh off the crazy days…nah! It has to be that life is just good sometimes!
June 21st, 2007 at 12:39 pm, Shan Says:
But what about this? I DO love being home with my kids (and I say it all the time), AND it’s also definitely the hardest job I’ve ever had. Can’t both be true?
I’m a (currently non-working) clinical psychologist–I worked with suicidal teenagers and anorexic kids and any number of clients of all ages with very serious, sometimes very scary mental illnesses. And still it wasn’t as hard, for me, as being home full-time with two small children. And yet I love being home with them more than I loved my career.
Maybe being a SAHM is such a hard job to me because they’re both still in diapers? And because my days are nothing like the one you (Susan) just described here, because my girls still so young that their baby-needs are relentless? And because they rarely nap at the same time, so I almost never get even a half hour’s break during the day? And because there is no such thing as a lunch break, a coffee break, or a solo bathroom break?
I’m not sure. One thing I thought immediately was, Perhaps doing the work of a SAHM isn’t that hard, but that doing it WELL really is. That’s how it feels to me
Sorry to go on for so long! Thanks for a great, thought-provoking post, Susan.
June 21st, 2007 at 3:20 pm, Susan Says:
“Perhaps doing the work of a SAHM isn’t that hard, but that doing it WELL really is. That’s how it feels to me.”
Yes. Exactly.
And it does make a HUGE difference when the kids are talking and potty trained and able to dress themselves and play together.
June 22nd, 2007 at 6:45 am, The June Cleaver Diaries Says:
When they’re small and you’re sleep deprived, it’s hard.
Not as hard as doing the same thing in Darfur, but it’s still hard.
But not in a bad way.
June 22nd, 2007 at 3:44 pm, Donna Says:
vvyShan, my two have just left the stage yours are in, and yes, it’s really hard, and yes, it gets MUCH easier. My little guy is turning three next month, and all day today he and his sister played together without asking me for anything. Or bleeding. Or barfing.
I noodled on the computer and occasionally tossed them a juice box. It was a lovely day. This was also the first day like this, ever. It rocked.
Hang in there. Your time is coming. But yeah, the early days are the hardest days. Until they become teens, is what I hear. (insert shudder here)