June 28, 2006
put together
Yesterday, I took Charlie to the dentist. And the night before, I laid awake dreading the visit and worrying about what might happen and plotting out all the possible ways something could go wrong, which wasn’t all that hard, really. It seems to happen all the time.
Two weeks ago, at the same dentist’s office, Henry screamed and cried because he didn’t want to have his teeth X-rayed; six months ago, he screamed and cried because he didn’t want to have his teeth brushed. Both times, the office staff were kind and considerate, and both times, I sobbed in the car on the way home.
I had no idea how Charlie’s visit would go. I had talked with him about having X-rays and about having his teeth brushed and about letting the dentist look in his mouth. He wanted to know if he would be able to pick a toy from the treasure chest, and if he could play the video games in the waiting room. I said yes, to both.
Yesterday morning, I got up early and showered and stood in front of my closet. It seemed important to me to wear something nice, to look like I knew what I was about, because there was a good chance that one–or both–of my children would end up in a heap on the dentist’s floor.
Two weeks ago, as Henry hysterically insisted that the X-ray film would “feel weird,” I watched the nurses exchange concerned glances and I knew that their concern wasn’t so much for my son but for me. I knew that they were wondering where exactly I had gone wrong in parenting this child, why I didn’t seem to have any ability to make him do what he was being asked to do. And frankly, I wondered, too.
I find myself, sometimes, thinking that perhaps there’s nothing wrong with Henry, that maybe his behavior is my fault. Maybe I’m just not a good parent; maybe I worry too much or expect too much. Maybe it’s all in my mind.
Often, when people can see that I’m struggling, they reassure me by saying, “There’s nothing wrong with him! He’ll be fine! You just need to relax!” And while I know that they are right–there isn’t anything “wrong” with Henry, and he WILL be fine, and yes, I do need to relax–I end up feeling that much worse in the moments when Henry is clearly struggling to do what other kids his age can do. Because I wonder if it’s all my fault.
So yesterday, because I was worried that Charlie, too, would scream and refuse to cooperate, I made a point of putting on a nice skirt and a necklace. I went out of my way to look like I wasn’t an exhausted mess, to look like I was a mother who knows what she’s doing. I suppose, at some level, I hoped that this would set the tone, if not with Charlie then with the dentist’s staff, who would see that I’m trying, I really am. And then, when the crying started, they wouldn’t wonder how I let this happen.
In the end, Charlie was wonderful. He did everything he was asked to do. He was peaceful during the X-rays and giggled when the nurse took one bit of film out and put another in. He sat still to have his teeth cleaned; he opened his mouth for the dentist. He said thank you when he was finished.
The nurse–the same nurse who tried, patiently and cheerfully and without any luck, to X-ray Henry’s teeth–made a note, in red ink, on Charlie’s chart about what a good patient he was. The doctor made a point of thanking me for being so helpful and attentive. I don’t think they were really talking about Charlie, though, or about my willingness to have him sit in my lap while his teeth were X-rayed. I think this was about their understanding that I’m not a bad mother.
I just wish it were as easy as putting on a pretty skirt every day.
Posted by Susan @ 2:20 pm • Uncategorized
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June 28th, 2006 at 3:06 pm, adria Says:
Thanks for reminding me I need to make dentists appointments for all of us.
And, you should never doubt because you are a GREAT parent!
June 28th, 2006 at 3:53 pm, Mir Says:
I wrote a post once (I’d look it up for you, but I’m just so L-A-Z-Y) about how I am quick to assume it’s my fault when my kids aren’t perfect, and equally quick to assume that when they ARE wonderful it has nothing to do with me.
Clearly I need to wear skirts more often.
June 28th, 2006 at 3:53 pm, Liz Says:
There is something about looking put together that make’s one less likely to fall apart. I’m glad it worked and that Charlie cooperated. I’m sad you sometimes feel like Henry’s issues are your fault — they’re not.
June 28th, 2006 at 3:54 pm, marti (standing still for once) Says:
I am so e-mailing you right now about this post. Better yet, I’m going to call you … let’s see if I can find your number.
June 28th, 2006 at 4:20 pm, Arwen Says:
I am fairly certain EVERYTHING is my fault all the time and I often wonder if people realize how much of a hack I am at everything I do. Actually, I am really good being anxious and making margaritas, so I feel I do have some skills, too bad they aren’t parenting skills. Ok, maybe it isn’t that bad but I definitely understand where you are coming from.
June 28th, 2006 at 5:39 pm, Kara Says:
fab, darling, you look FAB.
and I work in the land of ‘put together’ parents… I can see past the pretty in under a minute. But you’re doing a great job. And I would know.
June 28th, 2006 at 7:56 pm, M&Co. Says:
Oh Suz, that’s that Mommy Guilt kicking in. That, “it’s all my fault” because if I’d done X this all wouldn’t be happening” thang. I’m sorry the dentist was tough for Henry, and tough for you.
Anyway, I can sssssoooo relate. Cause you see, no one in my family has any kids but ME and I think they really do think it is MY fault when the BC freaks out and has screaming fits on Thanksgiving Day at my Brother’s house.
And you know, when I see a kid having a melt down, I usually feel sorrier for the Mother, or sometimes the Dad, than I do the kid.
June 28th, 2006 at 7:58 pm, bubandpie Says:
I’ve been working on a post on this topic. In a nutshell, I grew up with a sister with off-the-charts ADHD, so I know first-hand how easy it is for people to judge other parents, to assume that they can take credit for their children’s more standard behaviour when in fact what is really going on is that they’ve never had to face a challenge like my mother faced every day and if they did they would run away screaming and hide. When I was growing up, I never went out in public with my family without encountering those judging looks from people who were wondering why my mother “let” my sister behave the way she did. And what they couldn’t see was how much love and patience my parents showed, and continued to show, my sister so that she is now an irrepressibly joyful person who does not have a mean or judgmental bone in her body. Which is more than all those people could say about their own children, probably. Okay - so now you don’t need to read my post (whenever I finish it), since I’ve written such a gigantic comment. But like everybody said, it’s so clear that you’re an involved, caring mother with two really amazing little boys. (Okay, I’ll stop now.)
June 28th, 2006 at 9:14 pm, Kristen Says:
1.) You know I can relate to every aspect of this post.
2.) Go Charlie!
3.) Go dental staff for acknowledging your mad mom skillz!
June 28th, 2006 at 10:18 pm, retrostella Says:
I can relate, as my 4 yr old’s 6 month check ups approach I am filled with dread and imagine awful scenerios for at least a month before. My daughter refuses to let them do xrays and so I know eventually we are in for an ugly scene. Hmm, I am wondering if a more put together look would influence our next visit as well.
June 28th, 2006 at 11:37 pm, Jenorama Says:
I feel like people base their opinions of what kind of mother I am ALL the time because of the one child I have who misbehaves often, rather than the TWO children I have who seem not to have a misbehaving chromosome in their bodies.
I wish I could take as much credit for their behavior as I get blame for Tommy’s.
It’s not you, sweetie. Oh, wait, does that mean it’s our CHILDREN?
Maybe it IS the skirt.
June 29th, 2006 at 5:26 am, Felicity Says:
I don’t have time right now to read thru all the comments so I hope this hasn’t been said; I’m sure I’m probably in agreement with most of the parents here, even if their opinions conflict each other’s.
I think that as Moms we always *feel* judged, both by ourselves and by everyone around me, but you know what? Do those folks pay the rent? No? Oh, well, then, F* them. Their opinions, real or perceived, don’t really matter.
If you ever question your parenting abilities, just check in here with us. We all know what a great Momma you are. And you do, too, deep down.
June 29th, 2006 at 9:50 am, MJ Says:
I’ll echo everyone else’s comments and say you’re a great mother. With my children (who are twins), I can say/teach/do the same thing with them and have completely different reactions. This helps me realize that they are little independent beings and there’s not much I can do about their innate personalities and quirks, etc. (That said, I always feel guilty when my child doesn’t do the “right” thing. I feel like I’ve missed a step in the parenting manual or something.)
And the pretty skirt doesn’t hurt either. I’ve always been a firm believer in dressing for potentially unpleasant occasions. At least if it goes badly, you look great. And I love the skirt in the previous post. I think you should write a post on how you stay so slim! Share your diet and exercise tips with the masses.
June 29th, 2006 at 9:53 am, Candace Says:
It’s not you. It’s not you. It really, really isn’t you.
Because, honestly, if it *was* you, if you *were* a bad mother, Charlie would have screamed his head off and he would have hated every minute and the nurse wouldn’t have written something nice in red ink in his chart.
Henry isn’t a bad kid. You aren’t a bad mother. He’s a kid (with some issues) and you’re his mom. You’re helping him find his way and that’s all that matters. All those other people? The ones who don’t have a clue? Pity them because they’ll never, EVER truly appreciate their children.
June 29th, 2006 at 10:38 am, crabbykate Says:
We are about to hit our first visit with the dentist for my 3 year old, and I have similiar thoughts. I have already been preparing her, talking about it, telling what to expect. And I’ve already been preparing myself for the inevitable breakdown that will occur in the dentist’s chair. All I know is that I’ll be popping some handy downers just before the visit…..
June 29th, 2006 at 10:44 am, Amy Says:
I just love you. And now I need to go buy some skirts, since that’s a much better idea than never going out in public w/my Henry ever again.
June 29th, 2006 at 1:20 pm, Suburban Turmoil Says:
A nice skirt can do wonders- unless your son takes a picture of you in it snoozing on the bedroom floor!
June 30th, 2006 at 9:57 am, Laura Says:
First, I love the skirt and necklace. I just made several skirts yesterday, actaully. WHile the children were sleeping - if you thought I had any other free time.
Second - I agree with everything else everyone is saying. When you have a child with a learning disability, you are always feeling like you are being judged in public for their reactions. And the worst judges are other moms. You are doing an excellent job with both your children, and helping them to become the big people they will be by loving them and working with what makes them so unique.
You may feel this way throughout Henry’s life, as we all tend to doubt ourselves periodically, but always remember that it is not your fault. You are doing the right things - you just are learning that in life there are so many different realities of what having a child is like. And sometimes, other people can’t see beyond their immediate reality.
And yes, skirts do help. Shoes too.
June 30th, 2006 at 7:07 pm, Nancy Says:
Gulp. You’ve got me in tears. What a moving post. And what an amazing mother you are.