March 24, 2009
pushing a turkey through a cheerio
This is one of those stories that will most likely make you all hate me, but it’s the truth so I feel compelled to share it. Also I don’t want you to get any ideas about what kind of wife I am, or what kind of wimp husband Wade is.
I’ve only ever had two stitches in my entire life. One was on my arm, when I was probably eleven or twelve; I had a mole removed. And one was when Henry was born.
One suture. That was it. Admit it, you kind of hate me now.
Henry was six weeks premature; he weighed just under five pounds. He was so teeny, all skin and bones. We called him Chicken Baby because he looked like a chicken. My mother-in-law loved that.
I had an easy labor; I was eight centimeters dilated before anyone realized I was actually in labor (eh, it didn’t hurt that much — see, you HATE ME) and the whole pushing part took twenty minutes. It would have gone faster but I wasted one whole contraction laughing at some joke Wade was telling. It’s hard to laugh and push at the same time (all you girls who have not had babies yet write that down).
I was induced with Charlie, because after the totally unplanned and chaotic arrival of my firstborn, I wanted some control over the second birth. Also I did not want to be dragging my crazy toddler with me to the labor and delivery unit because honestly I was going to need my whole concentration to push the baby out, or something like that. I went to the hospital at 6:00 am and they hooked me up to the Pitocin at 7:00, then they unhooked the drugs for an hour because I can’t tolerate an IV in the back of my hand, only in my arm, but I never remember that until my entire hand has swollen to twice it’s normal size and I can no longer make a fist. They put my IV back in at 9:00 but didn’t give me any more Pitocin because I was moving along just fine, and at 12:15 Charlie was born.
This time Wade remembered not to tell any jokes.
Charlie weighed six and a half pounds — he seemed gigantic compared to Henry. We called him the Big Lump of Charlie. Again, a big hit with the grandmothers. But even though he was a big lump, no sutures. At all.
Okay so how much do you hate me now?
My doctor sent me home after both deliveries with prescription strength Ibuprofen, because that was really all I needed. The morning after Henry was born, the doctor came to check me, and told me that I could go home; Henry was in the NICU and I had already spent three days in the hospital, so I took her up on that. I got up and got dressed, and when the social worker came with the paperwork for Henry’s birth certificate, I was sitting up in the rocking chair. She looked around the room and said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I need the mother’s signature on some things — I’ll come back.”
Because what crazy woman who just had a baby is up and dressed twenty four hours later?
Since you already hate me at this point (at least those of you who have had babies, because the rest of you LOVE me, right? with my suture-free birth stories!) I’ll tell you one more really fun thing: When Henry was born, my water broke, unexpectedly, at 34 weeks. Wade and I raced off to the emergency room and the nice nurse asked if I was having contractions. No, I said, no contractions. She hooked me up to a fetal monitor and a contraction monitor and left the room.
And came back twenty minutes later to tell me that I was having contractions every four minutes! and they were lasting sixty seconds! Which was great because I couldn’t feel them!
When I went into the hospital to have Charlie, they hooked me up to the monitors again, and before they shot me up with Pitocin, the nurse happily reported that I was having contractions! every six minutes! lasting almost a minute each! Again, great, because I couldn’t feel them!
So when I try to bring up childbirth as an example of a time I have Suffered Greatly, I don’t really get much mileage out of it. And no Vicodin at all, sadly.
Posted by Susan @ 8:46 pm • everyday life
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March 24th, 2009 at 9:08 pm, Kristie Says:
Well, I don’t *hate* you, but I am extremely jealous. Speaking as someone who pushes for an average of two or three hours, before the doctors give up and pull the babies out with tools closely resembling salad tongs …. yes, I am envious.
I’ll let you buy me a drink next week at dinner to compensate for my pain and suffering. Or, I’ll just buy it for myself. Any excuse, right?
March 24th, 2009 at 9:09 pm, Lauren Says:
When I was pregnant with my first I heard so many horror stories, but only one person said, “Hey, my labor wasn’t too bad. I’m sure yours will be fine.” I could have kissed her! (She was right, too.)
Besides, I’m sure you suffer greatly when everyone is sharing birth stories and yours isn’t as sexy as the 80 hours of labor chew through your own umbilical cord moms.
March 24th, 2009 at 9:10 pm, Janssen Says:
As one of the girls who hasn’t had a baby but plans to in the next few years, I want to hug you for the suture-free stories.
March 24th, 2009 at 9:24 pm, emery jo Says:
I was up and dressed only hours later too. And labor for me is some sort of FUN! that scares my husband a bit I think. Because I just want to do it over and over again! And he’s like, “honey I’m so glad you love laboring babies into the world and everything… but where are we going to put them all??”
March 24th, 2009 at 10:15 pm, regan Says:
What I’ve learned from this is that in 4 months when I’m pushing out a baby, I should whine a lot and loudly. Even if I’m not in pain, WHINEEEEE. Then, when I ask for Vicodin as I leave the hospital, the doctor will give it to me.
March 25th, 2009 at 6:17 am, Jo Says:
Did you read a book about my birthing stories or something?
The whole not feeling contractions, I’m there. My son was born at 35 weeks and I didn’t feel any contractions until after they pushed the pitocin.
March 25th, 2009 at 7:08 am, Mary Says:
My husband, a newly minted physician, had to tell me I was in labor. I was already 10 cm. when we got to the hospital. Said husband is an anesthesiologist. Having witnessed my reaction to birthing and a torn acl from a skiing accident, he says I have a VERY HIGH tolerance for pain.
I’m with regan on this one. Just because you have a high tolerance for pain doesn’t mean you HAVE to tolerate pain. Upside: probably just a little medication will be enough to make you comfortable.
March 25th, 2009 at 7:38 am, Ashlie- Mommycosm Says:
WOW! I was the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Emergency C-Sections, pre-term labor for weeks, lots and lots of drugs and too many staples/stitches to count.
So very jealous. Although, if my experiences hadn’t been so dramatic and stressful, I’d probably still be kicking out more babies;)
March 25th, 2009 at 8:01 am, Shannon Says:
Oh, Susan. Susan, Susan, Susan. WHY did you need to tell me this? I was all thinking you were my soul sister, what with our IDENTICAL issues with sweating. (Seriously! Your BlogHer post changed my life! There is hope!) But now this.
I will tell you four things: 60 hours of back labor. Three and a half hours of pushing before emergency forceps delivery. 4th degree tear that required FIFTY INTERNAL STITCHES. Medically forbidden to walk (other than around my house) for ten weeks postpartum.
How lucky do you feel?!
March 25th, 2009 at 8:52 am, Colette Says:
yes, my sympathy now goes to Wade for the stitches in his back rather than you for your “fun” births.
I am very jealous- I wanted a natural birth (have always had a high pain tolerance), but the contractions were incredibly painful and after 24 hours I told my husband “I DON’T CARE- GET ME THE EPIDURAL NOOOOOWWW”
it was worth the 9 lb 11 oz beautiful bouncing boy!
March 25th, 2009 at 9:20 am, SoMo Says:
I have had 2 c-sections and one with pitcoin, which hurt like a sonabitch, but didn’t move anything long, and I don’t hate you. You don’t have anything to milk. Yeah, when the subject of which one would be fix after this last baby, I had every right to scream, but I have been through heavy duty surgery twice and am going to do it again. Come to think of it, my husband just turned to me and said, “Well, since they will have you open, anyway…”
What the hell milk whatever you got. We had babies, dammit, and deserve to not hear the whining from the men.
March 25th, 2009 at 10:52 am, chichimama Says:
I love you, just a little. Because I had the exact same labors you did.
I arrived in L&D with my first born at 10 cm, and couldn’t quite figure out why everyone was freaking out. They induced my second out of fear of her falling out of me while I was at the grocery store. By the time they “induced” me, however, I was already 7 cm, and really my OB broke my water, went to get some breakfast, came back and caught her.
I never EVER tell ANYONE my birth stories. I slink out of the room quietly whenever the birthing stories come out.
March 25th, 2009 at 12:11 pm, Sue @ My Party of 6 Says:
I love reading birth stories! Especially easy ones. I had easy labors, although not THAT easy. And one of them had a freakishly large head. But all in all, way better than I expected.
I still think vicodin would come in handy… if you don’t need it right after having a baby, you will definitely need it SOMETIME in the next 18 years!
March 25th, 2009 at 1:09 pm, Miguelina Says:
Oh, Susan. I’m not going to tell you my stories, since they both involve my falling in love with the anesthesiologist for putting me out of my misery. And tears!
What’s your secret? Can I have some of what you’re having? It’s the martinis, isn’t it?
Because I deserve an easy one this time.
March 25th, 2009 at 3:03 pm, Rebecca (Bearca) Says:
Wow. Based on those stories, you should have WAY more than two kids! I think that’s great.
I have two of my own, and their deliveries were mostly fine, but also, that is mostly due to the miracle of the epidural. In fact, I want another epidural.
And I am not pregnant.
March 25th, 2009 at 3:29 pm, Brandi Says:
You know I feel so much better now. I showed up for my induction at 37w with twins and very seriously volunteered to wait a few more days. The hospital was crazy busy so they were considering it, but decided to check me out anyways. I was 6cm, having constant contractions, and didn’t feel a single thing. In the OR (where they have to deliver twins) they had to hook me up to a monitor, because I had no idea when to push because I still couldn’t really feel the contractions. On the first contraction in one giant squirt on the 2nd push I delivered Baby A. We skipped 1 contraction waiting for B to drop down, and on the 3rd contraction 1st push came B’s head, 2nd push and he was out. All told I pushed for less than 5 minutes to deliver both babies and their placentas. 12 lbs of babies. And I spent more time being stitched up from a minor tear than delivering babies.
I get no sympathy from DH. It happened so fast I am not sure he even remembers it.
March 25th, 2009 at 3:48 pm, Eloise Says:
YAY! There are other Susans out there! Some without horror stories-I have ENORMOUS empathy for all the moms who endured extreme torture, pain and humiliation during their deliveries (I can’t even begin to imagine how much psycological damage that would do) but there are some of us who had straight forward births. I’ve had 4 big babies (ranging form 8 thru 10 pounds), no stitches, no pain relief and I went home on the same day because I felt great.It wasn’t pain free - but I kept thinking -”hey - woman have done this for ever…” - (thoughts to National Geograhic and babies born in caves and rice paddy fields…) Its taken me years to think that I’m O.K not having being able to share all the stories where each raises the bar every time with something more painful and horrific (and trust me - huge sympathy to you all!) But, you know, swings and roundabouts people - I suck at housework but I do a good birth!
Finally, just to satisfy all the pursed lips of disgust and to maybe make any C-sectioners feel a little bit smug; , - I now have a va-jay-jay the size of an international airport windsock. Which could start a whole other story…..
March 25th, 2009 at 5:12 pm, txmomof3 Says:
I don’t mind that your births weren’t hard and really mine were only middle-of-the-road hard. But I thought we only talked about easy labor etc. at the GIRLS” ONLY meetings so the husbands wouldn’t ever EVER know that labor is ever anything but the most painful thing ever. How else will we get them to have vasectomies?
March 25th, 2009 at 6:40 pm, ML Says:
Terrible pregnancies BUT didn’t feel contractions with my first. Went 19 minutes from oh I’m in labor to calling my sister to say it’s a girl with the second. Birthed the water-sac intact on top of her —FAST! AND!! NO stretch marks!! (8 mos. & 6 mos. of painkillers after each due to vajay-jay not healing and an hour of pushing to birth the placenta on #2. Everybody gets their pregnancy experience.)
March 25th, 2009 at 10:29 pm, Jaime Says:
I don’t get much mileage with the “I gave birth” story either.
I went in to the hospital at 6 am and got Pitocin at 7am. I too was having contractions that I did not feel (I did walk around 4cm dilated for 3.5 weeks). At 7:15 I got my epidural because I am a whip and was afraid of what the pain could be so I never felt a thing. Needless to say I was asleep up until the time they came in and told me it was time to push. Two pushes later my daughter was born at 7lb 15oz. My total labor was 5.5 hours. I was up showered, dressed with make up and hair done 3 hours later.
March 26th, 2009 at 5:03 am, blackbird Says:
I still like you.
March 26th, 2009 at 12:07 pm, Mara Says:
I’m 30 weeks pregnant with my first. I don’t hate you, I think I love you.
Please send some of those painless-contraction vibes my way, OK?
March 26th, 2009 at 1:37 pm, carissa Says:
Having an “easy” labor and delivery is a blessing and is oftentimes hereditary as well.
Our births are traumatic, as the 10 poundes pass through the “ring of fire”. Oh I can hear the song now, “I went into a burning ring of fire . . . it went down, down, down, and the flames went higher”. Such fond memories.
March 26th, 2009 at 2:04 pm, parenting BY dummies Says:
Maybe hate is a strong word. No, that’s awesome for you. Then you can have sympathy for those of us who have had near death experiences on the labor table in the attempt to push that 9lb turkey through a cherrio.
March 27th, 2009 at 10:56 pm, torry Says:
First baby: I wanted to have “natural” childbirth. Water broke, my back hurt, to the hospital, they grabbed my DH for the paperwork we had already done, took me up and prepped me. And left me alone.Finally nurse comes in and I’m asking for my DH. She tells me that I’ve got plenty of time. I say “NO, I’m in transition!” She laughs and turns to leave. I beg her to check me, she grudgingly does. Baby is crowning. I just made it to the delivery room. Second one was different, but also pretty fast. Plenty of discomfort, some pain; however, two beautiful 8 lb. babies! (With no pain meds at all either time.)
March 27th, 2009 at 10:59 pm, torry Says:
DH was there for both babies. Second time, he was there for way more of my “suffering” and said something about not remembering that from the first one. I was, shall we say, less than polite about that! Yeah, cause you almost missed everything!
March 27th, 2009 at 11:13 pm, kat Says:
we talk a lot about pregnancy and giving birth at work (well it’s because it’s babycenter) and seriously. i can’t even listen anymore. it freaks me out. i honestly want to know nothing about it. but reading your story…well, i hope i’m the same.
March 28th, 2009 at 9:08 am, STL Mom Says:
Well, I was in a lot of pain until the epidurals kicked in, but my labors were short, and after my kids were born I felt fine. I think I took Tylenol for a day or two. I was sore, but it felt sooo much better than being swollen and pregnant.
Then my daughter had latching issues, and my nipples got sore, and I wanted an epidural for my boobs. But that’s not really in the same category as back labor for 60 hours!
March 30th, 2009 at 10:19 am, ali Says:
while my labors were all pretty shitty and long and painful…i, too, only have had one stitch. and i left the hospital about 6 hours after i had two of them. so, there’s that
March 31st, 2009 at 9:52 am, Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com Says:
Um, can I be this lucky? Please?