March 30, 2006
pointy
Did you know that McEwan’s Scotch ale has a higher alcohol content than normal beer? Yes indeed! Did you know that if you drink a couple of them on an empty stomach, you’re pretty much done in? Yes indeed! Did you know that I could type grammatically correct sentences after more than a couple McEwan’s Scotch Ales? Neither did I!
Thank you for, as always, being the kind and decent people that you are and for saying that you wish you could help. I’m passing a babysitting sign-up sheet around; feel free to put your name down as many times as you like! Okay, just joking. But I do appreciate all the supportive and constructive comments and e-mails. You all are the best. Martinis for everyone!
I’m feeling a little less . . . pointless today (and a lot more sober) despite the fact that things have gone from bad to OH MY GOD WHAT DO WE DO NOW??? But yes, you all are right: I need to hire some help, and soon. And all appearances of late to the contrary, I’m not just wallowing in pointless self-pity and McEwan’s Scotch Ale, I’m working on it, I really am. In fact, I’m working even harder to find a sitter as my whole already tenuous chidcare system pretty much spontaneously combusted this afternoon. Yes, really!
See, I had been using school as my childcare, which makes a lot of sense with school-aged children, right? Charlie goes to Mother’s Day Out (okay, not really school, but whatever) all day Mondays and Thursdays; Henry had been going to preschool all day on Mondays and Wednesdays and half days the rest of the week.
Please notice that I said HAD BEEN going.
Before spring break, we started to get some indications that the long day on Wednesday wasn’t working out, for Henry or his teachers. Wade and I talked about it and decided that it was in everyone’s best interest to pull Henry out of the afternoon program. So we did.
Then we had to stop the medication.
Then the speech path had an opening, on Wednesday mornings, so we took him out of school for the whole day.
Then, on Monday, he had to come home at lunch time. And this afternoon I talked to the director, who suggested (very nicely, but in a way that left me no room to disagree) that we take Henry out of the Monday afternoon program, and that we rearrange his morning schedule so that the same teacher doesn’t have him two days in a row, which means that he will be going to school three mornings a week, most likely Monday, Tuesday, and Friday. So starting next week I will be down to two and a half hours without kids. Each week. All week.
We may not have any clean laundry around here soon.
But there’s more! Last summer I was childcare free, by choice, and while it was fine, I wasn’t going to do it again this summer. My plan was to send both boys to the church where Charlie goes to Mother’s Day Out. Typically, in the summer, they have Day Out for the smaller kids and summer camp for the bigger kids. It’s a small program and a place Henry is familiar with, and the director (who was Henry’s teacher when he was there) has a background in special education. It would have been perfect.
Except that they are remodeling the church this summer and will have Day Out ONLY for the little kids. No summer camp.
Wade and I talked about the possibility of signing Charlie up for Day Out there and sending Henry . . . somewhere else. Or sending both kids somewhere else. But the bottom line is this: I can’t spend the ENTIRE summer picking Henry up early from summer camp because he’s not able to do what the other kids are doing. Or even worrying about it.
So I’m looking for a sitter, to come once a week starting the week after next and twice a week this summer. I have some good leads and I know that I will find someone and it will be worth every dime, if only because I can pretty much guarantee that a sitter can deal with Henry for three or four hours and will not need to call me to come get him early.
But there is also this: for the next few weeks, Charlie will keep going to my friend Christa’s house on Wednesday mornings, to say with her sitter while I take H to speech therapy. This solves my short-term sitter problem, but soon I will have a different predicament: the sitter I get two days a week this summer will need to cover when I take Henry to speech therapy and to whatever other therapies the new doctor recommends. So my actual time away from the kids gets smaller and smaller, and Charlie’s time with the sitter gets longer and longer.
And yes, I thought about putting Charlie in Day Out just so he would have some friends to play with, but then I don’t have any flexibility, and the thing with doctors is that you go when they have an appointment. If Charlie was in Day Out, I would most likely STILL need the sitter. And then I would NEVER see Charlie.
While I am sorting out all of these logistics, I’m trying very very hard NOT to think about the whole issue of fairness–Charlie is acutely aware of how much time he gets with me and with Wade; I know this because he will talk about it. Today on the way to school, he said, “Next year I want to go to school some long days and some short days, like Henry does. So I can come home and play with you, by myself.”
I think my heart broke a little when he said that.
Tonight Charlie was getting his pyjamas on; they are so old and worn that they have a hole in the knee and he put his foot right through it. “Hey!” he said, indignant. “Look at my FOOT!” I started to laugh at his poor baby toes sticking out through the fabric and he said, “Don’t laugh at me!” and then he started to laugh, too.
“I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH you,” I said.
“But I am NOT LAUGHING,” he said seriously. But really he was.
Today I am feeling better, if only because this is probably as bad as it will get. This week, anyway. I still don’t really have a point, or a plan, or any sort of coherent ending to this post. So okay! Tune in tomorrow to see–oh, I have no idea what you will see. Charlie with his foot through the knee of his pyjamas or Henry watching television with his feet on the sofa and his head on the floor or . . .
You can’t wait, can you?
Posted by Susan @ 9:23 pm • Uncategorized
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March 30th, 2006 at 11:18 pm, Granny Says:
We have one (middle child) who does the feet on the sofa, head on the floor bit.
I’m glad today is better for you. Sometimes it’s like that thank heavens or none of us would survive.
March 30th, 2006 at 11:19 pm, Chag Says:
“So the same teacher doesn’t have him two days in a row.” That’s just rude!
I wish I could offer more than just words of encouragement. Zoey would love for them to come over and play with her.
March 30th, 2006 at 11:42 pm, Susan Says:
I knew that bit about the teacher would come out wrong. The deal is this: four mornings a week, this pre-K class has one teacher; on Tuesdays, they have a different teacher. The four-day-a-week teacher is the one I adore, but she has been pushed to the limit by my adorable son. She is spending most of her time asking Henry to sit down and stop yelling and please don’t push and can he remember where he put the marker that he is yelling about losing, etc etc. But because he doesn’t understand the notion of CONSEQUENCES, he will apologize and promise not to do whatever he’s been doing again, and then DO IT AGAIN two minutes later.
Meanwhile, there are six other kids in the room who need her attention.
He is really -what? struggling is a nice thing to say, but out-of-control is more accurate. He is disrupting the class and stressing the teacher out. It’s not fair to her or to him. And the teacher is not the one who asked to have his schedule rearranged; it was the school director, who is genuinely concerned about the teacher and about my son and about how to make this work for all of us. All along they have turned to us for help understanding Henry; I can’t tell them anything else just now, and so the director is having to make decisions for her staff and students. And this is the decision.
We are still happy with the school, and quite honestly, I am amazed by how much they have been willing to put up with and how kind they have been about it. We’re just in a really difficult place right now.
Okay! So back to making fun of the boy! Or I may cry again!
March 31st, 2006 at 2:08 am, Kathryn Says:
I hope tomorrow is better. My heart broke a little for Charlie and I don’t even know him except through Friday Playdate. It’s so hard on siblings to have to be the “good” one. It sounds like you’re doing everything you can to NOT put him through that, but it’s so tough when your attention gets pulled. I say Martinis might be your best bet. The older we get, the harder the dilemmas and the suckier the consequences. No fair.
March 31st, 2006 at 8:33 am, Nancy Says:
Susan, I’ve been out of touch with all my blog friends and am just now getting caught back up. I just read this post and the previous. I am so sorry you and your family are going through this. I know it’s hard on all of you. But it sounds like you’re doing a great job taking care of everyone, and trying to take care of yourself by finding some personal time.
If I were there I’d offer to help by babysitting. For now just please accept my offer to e-mail me if there’s anything at all I can do from here — talk, send cookies, ship martini ingredients.
You will — you all will — get through this.
March 31st, 2006 at 8:47 am, Laura Says:
It sounds like a lot on your plate right now. It also sounds like you are making good positive strides towards fixing the problems you are having, and getting your time to yourself too. Good luck with it - I know it can be hard.
Also, are they going to put Henry on different medication? That might alleviate some of the anxiety he has.
March 31st, 2006 at 8:59 am, Heather Says:
It is hard on siblings to be the good one, and so much attention has to go to the one who needs it.
If it makes you feel any better, my cousin (the sister of the autistic cousin) had frustration when she was younger, but now she is a bit older (12), knows that her brother is different, and she is so protective and attentive to him. She doesn’t mind nearly as much that he occupies so much of my aunt’s time.
Maybe you can take some of your me-time and spend it with Charlie. HAHAHAHA!!
My aunt recently hired two high-school boys to come over and play with my cousin a couple of times a week. They don’t have any special ed training, but they are excellent at keeping him running around for a couple hours. And my aunt thinks that the fact that they are male adds something for my cousin (since he is a boy too).
Much sympathy coming your way. You sound stretched so thin, but in that still laughing way, which is a good thing.
March 31st, 2006 at 9:51 am, Felicity Says:
Susan,
You-know-who on a bloddy rubber crutch. It’s been a rough week for you. It’s been hard at my house too but probably not as hard as you’ve had it.
I *really* meant it when I offered to make the books, email me, willya?
I have a convoluted perspective on the kids issue…my sister was the BAD one and two of us were essentially invisible and this cropped up for me in FULL BLOOMIN FORCE when I became a Mom myself.
But I do the same thing with my own kids, like it or not: Fin is younger and so is more needy than Pippy, who was so used to having me to herself (for 8 yrs) that the adjustment to having a sib still hasn’t occurred 7 yrs later.
Both boys know you love them and that’s the most and best you can do as far as being “fair” with attention. Really. Don’t be hard on yourself or expect the impossible.
March 31st, 2006 at 10:51 am, Candace Says:
I wish I could give you a hug and a break. I’m glad today is better, though!
March 31st, 2006 at 11:51 am, Nothing But Bonfires Says:
Man, hand over the sign-up sheet. I’m so there. You can pay me in shoes. (Pointy ones.)
March 31st, 2006 at 1:48 pm, Homestead Says:
Completely off topic but… have you read any books by Temple Grandin?? She’s the keynote at a conference in DC I don’t get to attend because I will be too round to fit in an airplane seat. I haven’t read any of her stuff but I hear it is phenomenal (sp?) and I wanted some opinions.
March 31st, 2006 at 4:16 pm, vanessa Says:
Hey Susan-where do you live? I am a fulltime childcare provider and also may be able to think of someone in wherever it is you are…
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March 31st, 2006 at 5:16 pm, Joel s Says:
from long experience, I can honestly tell you that things almost always work out. As long as nobody dies, that is.
Try to solve the problems individually, looking at them as a group never, ever helps.
I wish I could help, but the commute to babysit is just too far :).
Sucks that your one son feels so left out, but at least you care. Since you care, I know you’ll put in the effort to try and change things. Maybe plan one day a month that you spend with him? it seems like a small thing, but if you hype it up enough it could make a big deal. (ahhahaa, that sounds so cruel, hype up a small event to make it better.)
March 31st, 2006 at 5:22 pm, MamaK Says:
It’s hard raising kids. Ours are mostly grown though we do have one special needs child who is also speech impaired still at home. Life as such has presented us with many challenges but also much growth. I couldn’t imagine life without her. Though it took me years to say the words of her diagnosis out loud. Don’t worry, the other children (we have 5 total) learn to be more grace filled, aren’t so self centered, and actually are better adjusted. It does take constant monitoring…. this process… of everyone’s emotional tank. But still I can’t think of a greater cause or endeavor than my children.
March 31st, 2006 at 8:10 pm, Just Susie Says:
You know I was wallowing at my house, recovering from the friggin tick bite (is it Lyme? no it isn’t), dealing with Liam’s hand-foot-mouth and having Aunt Flo show up when I don’t want her too.
This is a sucky couple of weeks for a lot of people and I say we all meet by the booze pool, put the kids in floaties (no drinking the pool, kids!) and breathe. God a breathe would be nice, wouldn’t it?
Oh and I just posted pictures from Liam’s first haircut. Something about the shape of Charlie’s face or head reminds me of my Liam.
April 1st, 2006 at 8:41 pm, marti Says:
Susan,
Diagnosis = respite care. See if you can get both. Personal Care Attendant, too, may be something you can qualify for … Also, private school may not have resources to understand fully the issues that Henry needs to have addressed. Also, know that Henry cannot understand the social consequences because he doesn’t have the hard wiring to understand them. Or, he may be able to understand them while he hears them explained because he’s brilliant, but because of his disability, he cannot control his reaction at any given time depending on the situation. Give Charlie a special hug for me, a motorcycle riding redhead from Minnesota who thinks she’s probably like to laugh with him sometime, too. Yea little guy, life bites … but Charlie sounds like a “weather the storm” kind of child, and you know that you will NEVER neglect him. When you have to be with Henry, Wade may have to spend extra time with Charlie when he gets home or on weekends. And, he’s very, very smart and loves his big brother, and when he is old enough you will use the socially appropriate words to help him understand why some things are harder for Henry, and why Henry needs extra people in his life to help him learn that stuff. Trust me. Charlie already knows that. If he’s socially typical he sees the difficulty that Henry has … he just doesn’t have the words yet.