Friday Playdate » Blog Archive » please define “happy”

Filed Under everyday life on September 19, 2008

One morning not too long ago, I was sitting at the table with the boys while they ate breakfast. Charlie was swinging his feet and waving his spoon in the air; I probably asked him to stop doing both and just eat his cereal, please. And he pointed his spoon at me and said, “Mommy, are you happy?”

I stared at him. “What?”

“Are you HAPPY?” he repeated, taking a bite of cereal. “Right now — are you happy?”

I continued to stare.

“Of COURSE she’s happy,” Henry said. “Why wouldn’t she be?”

Yes. Why wouldn’t I be happy?

I use a lot of words during the day to describe myself — busy, anxious, listening, thinking, working, stressed, interested, finished, behind — but happy is almost never on the list. To some extent, of course, this has to do with the conventions of conversation; when someone calls and says, “How are you?” it’s not really appropriate to say, “Happy!” unless you want them to think you’ve been drinking before lunch.

Which I never do, for the record.

The other day I ran into a friend and said, of course, “How are things going?” She sighed and said, “Oh, fine. Fine! Everything is fine! That’s what I’m supposed to say, isn’t it?” “Yes,” I said, “I suppose it is, but how are things REALLY?”

Not so fine, it turns out.

It is hard to find the opening to say, I am not happy. It is especially hard, I think, when there is nothing really going on that justifies not being happy. You know, no financial catastrophe or lingering illness or collapsing marriage.

Still. Happy is not on my list most days.

Why would I not be happy? I don’t know, I really don’t. I have great kids and a fantastic husband and a beautiful home; we have plenty of money and good health insurance and stable jobs. Our parents are healthy, the kids are doing well in school, the lawn is finally looking good. What is there not to be happy about?

I would not say that I am unhappy. Tired, yes, certainly. Frustrated, irritated, some other words that end in -ated, probably. But unhappy? No. Just not happy. And yes, those are two different things, I think, although I can’t explain that just now, just like I can’t think of those other -ated words that I also am every day.

I don’t remember specifically which day it was that Charlie pointed his spoon at me and asked if I was happy, but I can tell you this for certain about that morning: I had gotten up early, before 5:00 am, to make lunches and check email and possibly start laundry or load the dishwasher. By the time I sat down at the table with the kids, I had been up for close to two hours and had probably drunk close to four cups of coffee. I was most likely making a grocery list or filling out forms for school or making notes about things that absolutely had to get done that day. How do I know all of that if I don’t know what day it was? Because every morning is like that, pretty much, even the weekends.

I can see why someone might wonder if I was happy.

I would love to say that I’m doing something constructive to get back to being happy, that I’m knitting or running or taking bubble baths, but the thing is that I think I only just realized that I was missing happy. I suppose the first step is to deal with all those other things on the list — anxious and behind and frustrated and tired. I think that happy is under there somewhere. At least I hope it is, because now that I know it’s gone I really want it back.

46 Comments so far
Leave a comment

I think many of us find ourselves in this position. You are caught up in the everyday rush and haven’t even considered your own feelings. It’s easy to do with small kids and jobs and all the crazy that goes with life. Maybe you need to meditate a little each day on the good, maybe you need to take a walk and just BE, probably you should do one of those little checklists to make sure you aren’t having a bout of depression (you probably aren’t, but it’s good to know). Maybe Charlie’s little voice will remind you to pay more attention and give yourself a minute to feel the happy.
I’m sending a hug.

Great post! I was just talking to a good friend yesterday about how our kids are now in school everyday (1st year for me like this) and what do we do now? How do we define ourselves beyond “mommy”. Because, for me at least (clearly your situation is different), that is part of feeling “happy”. Having something that is just for me but that’s been a while so this year I’m going to try to figure out what that is. Thank you for a great post. It’s nice to know sometimes I’m not the only one who forgets about happy sometimes. Good luck finding your happy.

I know EXACTLY what you are talking about. This summer a stranger commented on my blog that she felt I needed psychiatric help, because I was clearly so unhappy. But here’s the deal: I have a toddler whose regular mode of communication is having tantrums; I have a household income that forces us to live close to the bone in a community where everyone else seems to be buying giant houses and cars and jewelry even in this economy; and I stumbled into a volunteer obligation that quickly became a time-sucking nightmare. Was I happy? Well, no. But I still knew what was lucky about my life.

Personally, I think this has to do with being the parent at home, the one running the house and managing the children and doing the shopping and meal preparation. This role includes a whole lot of drudgery and repetition, and takes so much time (time that would otherwise be spent on sleep or other self-nurturing activities), that it can’t be enjoyable much of the time. That’s not to say many of us don’t still want to do it, or that we don’t feel it’s worth it. But seriously–how pleasant is waking up before 5 to do laundry, check e-mail, and pack lunches? Not very.

Is it unavoidable, then, when kids are young and there is so much work involved in managing a household, that the parent who does the lion’s share of this work will feel–or seem–or be–unhappy much of the time, because so many of these tasks are unpleasant? I don’t know. But I know that all my mom friends and I describe ourselves chiefly as busy, tired, and overwhelmed.

I can so relate to this. Doing what *I* need is at the bottom of my list every day. You know, the list I never get to the bottom of.

I hope you find your happy soon. And good thing Charlie is there to remind you to keep track of it!

I’m sending a hug, too–and I hope you’re able to make some space for happy. Everyone here sends love!

Thank you for this post. I too can’t define happy, I can define unhappy, which I am not, but not happy. I think being a mother we are more concerned with making sure everyone else is happy, and our happy in some manner comes from theirs. I know if my children are in a good mood, and things are going well for them, I feel better about life in general. If they are struggling, or frustrated, then I am too. Mother’s emotions also seem to dictate what our families feel. Hubby always says, whatever your day is like, that’s the kind of day the rest of us have. I complain about being the “ruler of emotions” at our house, but in some ways, I guess it is true.

Warning: the following comment may sound smug.
I am happy. But I think it is a choice. When I had to move away from all my friends in Seattle to take a job in Vermont, I remained happy.
I’m 61 and, after 59 years of singleness, I am in a committed, loving relationship [now in the Bay Area]. And that is great, but I liked my life before I found this relationship.
I don’t have a job, I don’t have health insurance, and we live in a 320 sq ft house. But I am happy.

I have pretty much felt this way for the majority of my adolescent and adult life. Most things are very good in life and I am happy about my life. But I am not very happy. Like you said - not unhappy, but not happy. Hopefully we’ll both be able to get there.

I’m sorry you’re not feeling happy. I’ve no words of wisdom. Do you ever read The Happiness Project? If you dig around in her archives he has some really interesting ideas about happiness. What do you think happiness would look like for you?

I’m not a mom, so I don’t pretend to know what the unrelenting demands are like. But this sentence struck me: “I suppose the first step is to deal with all those other things on the list — anxious and behind and frustrated and tired.”

I don’t think you can afford to wait until all those things are crossed off the list, because honestly, they never will be. I think you have to find the happy despite/in the midst of all those other things.

Hear, hear.

I have this discussion quite a bit with one of my friends. We both content that *happy* is not one of those emotions you can continuously experience—just as you can’t continually be furious. *Content* on the other hand, is doable. I think too many people keep trying to attain permanent happiness and you just can’t be happy 24/7. And that’s OK. But if you can at least look on the bright side and be content? You’re going places.

My bookgroup read Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar because we all felt exactly the same way. I have to admit that certain parts of the book made me want to throw it out the window (so I skipped those - hey! they didn’t make me happy) but I found enough in there to recommend it. I realized that if I did at least one thing each day that I knew would make me happy (i.e. for me and me only), it would pay off in spades. I don’t manage it every day, but if I get 3/7 days I notice a definite uptick in my happiness.

I have had the same discussion recently as well. I did enjoy reading Eric Weiner’s Geography of Bliss: One Grump’s Search for the Happiest Places in the World. Just another book recommendation for all your free time.

Gotta say, I think your post describes moms. I know myself and all of my mom friends have felt that same way. Definitely the not unhappy but not happy either, it is in a very awkward place to be. I think the other comment about content versus happy hit it on the head. Are you content with your life even through your day to day sucks? If so then you are headed in a good direction because that list will never go away.

Ah, yes–I like this “content” vs. “happy” idea. Very astute.

Wow…I so relate to this. I’m not unhappy, for sure. I have all the things I’ve wanted: I live in a nice town, have a nice boyfriend, have a steady income and am fulfilling my dreams. So, why am I not happy?

I don’t know. And it is starting to make me unhappy…like I don’t have time to figure out all this. I don’t want to spend my whole life figuring out HOW to be happy.

What if it’s not possible? What if “eh, okay” is the norm?

I’m in a silly mood now, but I advise you to read that post and comments aloud. If saying the word “happy” out loud that many times doesn’t start to feel a little silly and happy and bring a smile to your face, then I have no idea what will.

Your post today reminded me of a conversation I had with my father who asked me if I were happy.

He must have called me on one of those overwhelmed, stressed, frustrating day we all have. He was concerned about my weight gain and wanted to make sure my marriage was strong.

At that moment, I realized I had to focus on happy and to remember what actually made me happy - something not dependent on my husband or children.

When my dad sees me now he still asks on a scale of 1 to 10, how happy are you? One day I even made it up to 9 1/2! It’s a good way to measure happiness because more often we are not happy and not unhappy . . . just somewhere in the range.

Great post, Susan.

Your post really hit home for me, Susan. Thanks for being honest enough to post it.

I feel happy even when I’m frustrated or anxious–I think one of the reasons is that I actually literally count my blessings each night as I drift off to sleep.

Susan,
I don’t really know what to tell you, except that I understand you, and I’m sorry you are struggling.

When I read your post this evening, the very first thought that came to my mind was, perhaps the lovely woman would enjoy a nap?

Maybe you should start there?

I don’t know that I am happy or even content with my life right now. There’s been alot of changes right now - son in college now; new parttime job combined with old parttime job; new volunteering gig along with old volunteering gig. I haven’t hit a groove or come up with a satisfying routine that makes me comfortable yet. Sometimes I feel like I’m just moving through my days waking up, moving along and going to bed.
You’ve given me something to think about!

I could definitely not say…I’m happy! All. The. Time.

But I move in and out of happiness each day. I have moments when I feel inspired, contented, satisfied.

Then, of course, there are the other moments. When I’m annoyed and upset and have to pee but I can’t because one of my kids needs me to fish a sock out from under the couch or something equally as CRUCIAL.

So, I know what you mean. But I think as long as you have happy MOMENTS, that’s all we can really hope for.

Others have mentioned the Happiness Project, but I think this post in particular talks about parenting and happiness in an interesting way:
http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2007/02/do_your_childre.html
I find that trying to add some fun into my life helps me feel less like I’m in a grind. Even just something that makes me laugh, hard, for a few minutes, is a good, good thing.

My wife and I had this exact conversation last week. Well, argument, really. But the question is, as a guy, what do I DO about it?

I related to this although I am generally a happy person. I think sometimes I just get stuck in a grumpy-rut.

Earlier this year I had a similar experience. During one of our two book fairs, I picked up a book off the discounted cart and said animatedly “I Love My Life.” My assistant thought I was making a statement when I was really reading the title of the book. She said “I hope you do or you need to change something.” Well, that hit me like a ton of bricks like Charlie’s statement. There is really not much I can change in the short-run. I have to work–a full-time job in the biggest elem school in the district which makes my job nearly impossible to do well and a part-time-as-needed job. My husband that I’ve been separated from for 15 months hasn’t worked since January and is bipolar. We have 3 children, one of which has Aspergers. I run around like a chicken with her head cut off. I wouldn’t say I’m miserable (although I’ve been there, like 16 months ago). I have tons of blessings in my life. But I just feel worn out nearly all the time and I’m not sure how to change that.

I truly appreciate your openness. It spoke to me.

You are really brave to be able to admit you are not happy. Many times I am not but to say it sounds - ungrateful, bitchy, whatever - to the ears around me.

Is acknowledging this lack of happiness half the battle, then?

[…] is at a turning point. A constant one. One, I think, to find happiness. I read this post on being happy the other day and it made me think. I was thinking about happiness long before I read that, but […]

[…] I followed one of those amazing rabbit trails of the internet and read this and this and this……..and realized that yes, I am […]

The One who made man’s heart can also fill it.

In the past few years, I’ve lost one of my best friends to cancer. Last month, a good friend who is in her late 30’s was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer and my very own sister was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.

It is scary to comprehend the fragility of life and it is sobering to realize that we only go “this way” once.

I struggle with happiness DAILY. I have four small children, a demanding career, a husband, a very full life. But, time just goes and if you don’t find your happiness - you’ll realize that in the blink of an eye, 10 years have passed and where did it go?

I wrote this post a few months ago >> when I was feeling particularly introspective. It’s short and sweet and completely on topic. I hope that it helps you to recognize what you need to do to find your happiness again.

http://amazingtrips.blogspot.com/2008/05/are-you-happy.html

I have had this exact exchange about happiness with my children. We forget what it is like to be happy. Three weeks after my second miscarriage, my beloved chocolate lab, Coco, passed away after a brief illness. He was only 8. I think that is when the happiness went away for me.

I, too, get up at 5:00am, and work and fill out paperwork before the children are up. And every day they come home from school, and fill my paper pile up again with more to do. Just when I think I am making progress, there is some big thing I haven’t gotten done. I will NEVER catch up, that’s just it.

If you think about why you’re not happy, there is no real reason. I, like you, have the lovely house, the wonderful husband, the great kids, no financial worries (other than the idiots in Congress I mean), good health, etc. But there is no ME left. I realized about a year ago that I don’t even know what I like to do anymore. What is my hobby? What would I do with my time if I had time to myself? I.Don’t.Know.

I started my blog, and for me, that has helped. It has given me a little bit of ME back. Even though it is all about my kids, it is me creating it. It is my project. And it has helped me to stay focused on what is important in my life, and how quickly the days do pass, and one stage blends into another, right before my very eyes. It brought a little happiness back.

I hope you find happiness, too!

[…] And now without further adieu, my Perfect Post Award goes to… Friday Playdate for Please Define “Happy” […]

I am learning that it’s more important to be filled with joy than happiness. I can never sustain the happy high for very long, but I never lose the joy.

Great post. Thanks for being so transparent! I needed that nudge.

Here by way of Notes from the Trenches.
That was something I just love in a post. You got me outside my little business so that I could really think. Thank you.

This was great, I also arrived via the link on “Notes,” and subscribed to your feed off of this post. Also forwarded it to my wife, a stay-at-home Mom whose mornings sound a lot like this.

Thanks for writing this.

very nice post!! life starts becoming a routine as we proceed with it…marriage, then children then their education n what not…routine keeps redefining itself but still continues to exist..happiness is somewhere there in the routine itself but we stop feeling it…maybe because tht too becomes a routine..:)..tht is where challenges come in i guess..the bigger the challenge, the more efforts are required to fulfill them and the bigger the success, the happier it makes u n ur family..

and ya…dont forget to celebrate even the little achievements in life..it adds more sweetness to life!

I’m convinced that *purpose* is necessary for happiness.

[…] inspired by Susan and Chris because their posts made me think and isn’t that nice when it […]

[…] of the bloggers I read have been pondering happiness this week. At Friday Night Playdate, Susan’s son got her thinking about it. At Notes from the Trenches, Chris wonders, “Is […]

[…] months ago, I wrote a post about happiness — or, more precisely, about not being happy. I wrote, “I would not say that I am […]

RSS feed for comments on this post.

TrackBack URI

Leave a comment

Content

Categories

Admin