April 11, 2006
oxygen masks
I was flying with the boys a while back, and the flight attendant was going through the usual pre-flight routine. In the event of a change in the cabin pressure, he said, the oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling; if you are traveling with a child, put your own mask on first, and then the child’s.
“If you are traveling with two children,” he added, “decide now which one you love the most.” Everyone laughed.
Today I was talking with a friend, a mom of two, someone I respect as a parent and a person, and she asked, “Do you ever like one of your kids more than the other?”
And I said, “Absolutely.”
My friend was quick to clarify–she was not saying that she SPECIFICALLY or CONSISTENTLY preferred one of her children; it was just that on some days, at some moments, she felt a connection with one child that she didn’t feel with the other. And then, at other moments, she felt connected to the other child. But, she said, she ALWAYS loved them, both of them, with all her heart and soul.
I knew exactly what she was talking about.
Before I had children, I knew, in theory, that there was no way to love each child in the same way. I knew that there was no way to love each child equally; I knew–I KNEW– that I would have a different connection with each of my children.
But I still felt like things needed to be fair. To be equal.
Now I have these children–these people–who couldn’t be more different from each other. And I love them both, so much that I would give up everything for them. But do I like them all the time? No. Do I like one of them more than the other sometimes? Yes.
I’ve been struggling recently to balance the very different needs of my very different children, and to do it in a way that doesn’t leave either of them feeling left out or overlooked. And sometimes, it’s not possible. Sometimes what is fair, or, more often, what is necessary, has nothing to do with equality. Sometimes loving each child as an individual means doing very different things for each of them. That seems pretty straightforward to me.
But what about liking them? Do I like one more than the other? Not in general, no, but there are those moments when one is able to touch something in me, to reach out and connect with some part of me, in a way that the other does not. As a child I loved those moments with my own parents, that sense that I had some special common ground with my mother or father. As a parent, especially right now, I feel like those moments of connection are even more important–not only to my sons, but to me as well.
I spend a lot of time worrying about all the ways I am failing my sons, and very little time congratulating myself for succeeding as a parent. In some ways, this whole question of liking one child more than the other seems like another way to beat myself up for not being fair, another way to feel like I am failing someone. But the more I think about it, and remember all the ways that my parents managed to make my brother and me each feel special and unique and loved, the more I think that having that unique connection with each of my children is good for all of us.
So yes, there are moments when I like one of my children more than I like the other. And yes, I would not hesitate to put my own oxygen mask on first.
Posted by Susan @ 8:20 pm • Uncategorized
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April 11th, 2006 at 9:33 pm, kfk Says:
How true this is.
April 11th, 2006 at 9:41 pm, Mir Says:
Amen, sister.
My kids couldn’t be more different, either, and they are STILL surprising me in the ways that they astound or irritate me.
Just tonight I told my daughter to go up and take her shower, while her brother climbed into my lap… and she agreed but added that “after my shower, then I get to sit in your lap for as long as he’s sitting there now!” And I of course mocked her mercilessly, adding that if I DIDN’T allow her to get EXACTLY the same amount of time, clearly it would indicate that I didn’t love her as much.
Clearly if I’m in a plane crash with them, I’ll put on my own mask, help them with theirs, and then die from the two of them deciding to strangle me with my own mask.
April 12th, 2006 at 12:11 am, Granny Says:
The girls (great-granddaughters) keep very careful track of whose turn it is and who gets what. I keep telling them it always evens out eventually but I’m not sure they believe me.
I’m sure I loved my own kids equally but I do have one who is my soulmate. It’s just the way it is.
April 12th, 2006 at 4:08 am, daysgoby Says:
I love this post, Susan!
We worried before R was born that she’d be left out in the cold because we loved C so absolutely. Once she was here, (and fell into our hearts with a seamless plop)we started the round-robin….and you described that well.
I’m sure it will only intensify if she ever talks.
April 12th, 2006 at 6:23 am, Liz Says:
Thanks for your comment on my blog! I linked to you because I love your writing (and I’m taking notes on how to mother two boys as mine grow). I have two beautiful opposites and there are definitely times when I feel more connected to one than the other — not that I love either one less or more — just that, in that moment, I really get where one is coming from. Basically what you said (though you said it far more eloquently).
April 12th, 2006 at 7:31 am, Nancy Says:
Yes. This post is right on.
p.s. — my word verification is “slttt” — is there something you’re trying to tell me?
April 12th, 2006 at 7:51 am, Kristen Says:
Catherine Newman talks about the oxygen mask idea a lot. I had never considered the problem of which kid I’d “pick” if both of them were with me on the plane during a cabin pressure problem.
I think it’s a good thing that parents don’t have the exact same relationship with every kid. Like you allude to, it gives the child a greater sense of self and uniqueness to know s/he has his/her own specific connection to mom or dad (or grandma or grandpa).
April 12th, 2006 at 7:52 am, Kristen Says:
Oh - and when I mentioned picking one kid over the other on the plane, I was referring to the joke the flight attendant made, not anything you said! Just wanted to clarify…
April 12th, 2006 at 7:54 am, Ali Says:
it’s such an interesting thing - liking one child more than another.
i love all three of my children equally. 100%. no question. there’s no way i could love one more than the other.
i always feel like somehow i’m leaving my son out. I relate to my 5-year old daughter really well. she’s a girl. and i’m a girl. i know about girl things. i can sit and watch a girlie movie. or bead necklaces.
and with the baby? she’s a baby. all she wants from me are tickles and kisses. and food.
but, my 3-year-old son is now a BOY. he likes boy things - like superheroes and trucks and ninjas. things i know little to NOTHING about. and he’s very physical. he likes to wrestle and fight.
it’s not that i don’t like my son as much as i like the girls. it’s that i’m afraid he will think i like him less…because i relate to him less.
although, both surprisingly and interestingly, it’s the 5-year-old who always says, “you love Joshie more!”
April 12th, 2006 at 11:12 am, Susan Says:
There are a lot of layers to this “liking” business, I think–gender is a factor, as is age and birth order; in my case, Henry’s neurological quirks also come into play. I think it is a given that we all LOVE our children, and that none of us would say we love one more than another (would we?), but LIKING them is really something else.
I think, too, there is a difference between saying “Sometimes I connect with one child more than with another” or “Sometimes I don’t understand my child’s interests” or even “Sometimes I don’t like his behavior” and saying I DON’T LIKE MY CHILD. (I’m not hearing anyone saying that, by the way, I just think it is worth pointing out.)
April 12th, 2006 at 11:28 am, Suburban Turmoil Says:
I can relate to this with my stepdaughters. I’ve always thought to myself that it’s odd how they are never both in a “happy place” at the same time. If I’m feeling particularly close with one, inevitably the other is going through something funky. And it switches back and forth. It probably works out this way for a reason- I have my special times with both of them this way.
April 12th, 2006 at 12:08 pm, fluentsoul Says:
My younger child was just a few months old when I read a parenting book that said just what you said — that it’s normal to like one child more than the other at times. It was a huge relief to me. My daughter was a difficult baby (GERD, constant screaming, etc.), and the bonding happened much slower with her than with my son. It’s all evened out now, and I find myself enjoying first one and then the other more.
April 12th, 2006 at 5:51 pm, Nothing But Bonfires Says:
I’m embarrrassed that this is how I feel about my cats.
April 12th, 2006 at 8:34 pm, standing still for once Says:
Ah, yes. And, parenting a child with differences is THE truest way to learn consistently to beat yourself up for what you are “not doing right.” From my perspective, this stems from the fact that until we can get through it, the journey, a little bit more, we still believe there is something we did that failed our child and caused them to be how they are. I cannot tell you HOW many hours over the past 11 years I spent crying over THAT. When you begin to see, acknowledge, integrate, recognize the tremendous difference you are making with your boy (you know of whom I speak), you won’t do that so much. I must say, that the amazing things they say and do that you share with us — both of them — tell all of us that you are a) failing NEITHER of them at all, and b) a fantastic and amazing mother. Even when you think that you haven’t done something wonderful each and every minute of their waking hours. Watching a little more TV again or eating chicken nuggets every day for a week will NOT kill them, if it gives you a breather.
April 12th, 2006 at 9:29 pm, Mary Tsao Says:
I am a twin so I am very conscious of paying each of my two kids equal amounts of attention. Sometimes this gets crazy like when I feel that I’m giving one more eye contact than the other so I quickly shift eyes to the other one. While I’m looking into the second kid’s eyes (notice how careful I am not to reveal gender here…), I search to make sure there isn’t hurt or betrayal there.
More than anything, *if* I do like one kid more than the other in a given moment, I don’t want the other one to ever know.
God, this is confusing even me and I’m the one who made up the rule.
April 13th, 2006 at 7:56 am, Velma Says:
I definitely like one kid more than the other at different times. Because I’ve got one boy and one girl, the instinct to divide my time and activites EXACTLY EVENLY isn’t quite as bad as I remember from growing up with two sisters, each of us less than two years apart.
My sisters and I actually joke that we are each our mom’s “favorite,” which I think is a great testament to the job she did making each of us feel special to her. I only hope my two will feel the same!
April 13th, 2006 at 7:57 am, Felicity Says:
Susan,
Sorry I am late commenting but I hope you have time to read this anyway, on your groovy laptop while you lie inthehospital recovering from a malted-milk-ball induced heart attack. See what a loyal reader I am?
Jeez I could write a BOOK on liking one child more than the other…it’s easy. I had so many years alone with Pip, & she’s a girl, so we totally bonded. But now she’s 15 and mostly hates me even tho I’m the cool mom. And the feeling is mutual since she wants every single privlege (like, haning out at a boy’s house with no parents home!) but refuses to do any chores. Which is probably my fault.
Fin, on the other hand, is MY BABY BOY. He drives me absolutely BATSHIT with constant demands but there’s no one I’d rather hang out with, play with, cuddle up next to at night. In a totally non-Micheal-Jackson sort of way, of course.
Oh, and LOOK AT THESE SHOES! I love them and covet them and thoguht of YOU as soon as I saw them!
http://www.zappos.com/n/p/dp/8504745/c/47791.html
Do you think I really ought to have emailed yo privately instead of leaving such a long comment?