November 9, 2005
Mommy Guilt; or, how I lost the baby weight
I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about ‘Mommy Guilt.’ As you know, I have some guilt issues, particularly recently, and thus I find myself with lots of time on my hands at, oh say, three o’clock in the morning when I can’t sleep but don’t want to get up and do anything, and I find myself wondering: is guilt really the province of the mommies? Is there something inherently gendered about guilt, something that causes women to feel it more than men (or mommies more than daddies)? Why is it that when I mention my guilt about my horrible mommying to other women, they all nod understandingly, while my husband (who is an Enlightened Male if ever there was one) looks at me like perhaps I’ve been hitting the bottle in the middle of the day? Why does he get off the hook when I can’t seem to unhook myself? What is that all about?
My specific guilt issues are really irrelevant here (I know I’m a good mother and I know that I haven’t knowingly caused my sons any harm–which doesn’t mean I won’t be paying for their therapists in a decade or so). I am more interested in the category of ‘Mommy Guilt’ and the idea that we all know what I mean when I name it: that nagging feeling that, in one way or another, we are failing our children, no matter what choices we have made.
Some of this comes from the media, which demonize women at every turn. Working? You should be home with that kid. Stay home full time? You’re smothering her. Public school? You’re risking his education. Private school? You’re spoiling him. Driving thru at McDonald’s? A lifetime of obesity lies ahead. Organic only? You’re too much of a hippie to actually raise a child, for god’s sake. Then again, who does the media give us as maternal role models? Madonna, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Denise Richardson–women who have armies of nannies to entertain their TV-free kids, personal chefs to feed everyone a healty, wheat-and-meat free meal (without microwaving!), and trainers to whip their asses back into shape twenty minutes after the baby is born.
Celebrity dads, though, aren’t portrayed in the same way. K-Fed is a disaster as a daddy, but Britney is the one getting blamed for it. And Brad Pitt is America’s Greatest Dad because he goes to the park with AJ’s kids. Real dads, the good ones at least, don’t get off that easy; they are changing poopy diapers and walking colicky babies and going to horrible parent-teacher conferences. But the media glorifies the dads for doing, well, anything right (look! He’s pushing the stroller! Ahh, how cute!) and demonizes the mommys for not doing everything right (goodness, is that a small lump of fat on her tush? I mean, that baby is almost three days old–), which makes it harder for everyone. So it’s no wonder the mommies are the ones who take it to heart.
I would like to blame this entirely on the media, but sadly that’s not possible either. As women, we are often our own worst enemies. You know it’s true. It’s not so much that we criticize each other (although we do, to make ourselves feel better) it’s more that we criticize ourselves, that we look around and think, ‘She is doing such a great job and I am not. What’s wrong with me?’ And yes, I am extra sensitive to this, because I have a child who doesn’t conform to normal patterns of behavior, and I am aware that other adults sometimes see this as a failure on my part (no, I do NOT feed him sugar packets for breakfast). But honestly, I am tired of feeling guilty–about my child’s behaviour, about the size of my ass, about everything. I’m done.
But I wandered away from my original question here: is guilt just for mommies? Or women? Not that I want to think that anyone else lies awake wondering where they went wrong, but I would like to think that this is NOT a function of my uterus but just a part of parenting (or maybe it’s just me! That has occured to me, you know). Is there such a thing as ‘Daddy Guilt”? What does it look like?
Help me out here, people.
Posted by Susan @ 5:37 am • Uncategorized
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November 9th, 2005 at 6:23 am, Felicity Says:
my experience is that mommyguilt (or maybe we should call it kid guilt?–cause it’s related to parenthood?) is 90% the providence of mommies. I’m sorry. I failed to marry decent men (TWICE!)…I think it’s massively indoctrinated via culture, societal mores, media, our personal upbringings…it’s all on us as the mommy and the only way to shrug it off, I think, it to refuse to accept it and damn the stares we’ll get.
November 9th, 2005 at 7:06 am, The June Cleaver Diaries Says:
Did you read my post about Mommy guilt? I think I did it about 2 months ago. If not, I’ll post it again, just for you.
November 9th, 2005 at 7:07 am, The June Cleaver Diaries Says:
Also, please please PLEASE read “The Mommy Myth!” It’s about everything you just wrote.
November 9th, 2005 at 8:21 am, Susan Says:
Katy, I love that book–I meant to reference it, but it was 5:30 in the morning. And now I feel guilty about that.
And you should ALL go read Katy’s post on Mommy guilt (I hope this is the one you’re referring to). But get a Kleenex first.
And WHAT ABOUT THE DADDIES? Come on, guys, I know you’re out there. Feeling guilty? Or not?
November 9th, 2005 at 9:02 am, Candace Says:
I don’t feel mommy guilt. What I do feel is angst over Christopher’s “conditions”, but I refuse to feel guilty about any course of treatment we’ve tried. Quite honestly, for all the over-analyzing I do about the diagnoses and the treatments, I don’t feel one iota of guilt; I say screw ‘em all if they don’t like what I’m doing. I’m a rebel at heart.
My husband feels guilt, though, constantly. But he’s a recovering Catholic so it’s just inherent in him!
November 9th, 2005 at 9:20 am, Nothing But Bonfires Says:
I’m not a mommy, but I totally get the guilt thing too — and normally it strikes, like you say, at 3am. Didn’t F. Scott Fitzgerald say something about that? “In the real dark night of the soul, it is always 3 o’clock in the morning, day after day.” Something like that anyway. I think women just have the guilt response ingrained in them — we’re just bombarded constantly with all these WAYS TO BE BETTER, how can we not be? And it’s not just the media, it’s other women propagating the cycle too, whether in relation to food, body image, work ethic, parenting choices…. But I don’t think we know how to stop.
November 9th, 2005 at 9:48 am, Stephen (aka Q) Says:
No guilt in this Dad’s heart, at least not yet. I may get there when my children are older, if they get into difficulties and I can see a logical connection to my parenting.
Even then, I think we are permitted to balance the good consequences of our parenting over against the bad. And I know my children have done well to have me for a Dad in many respects. Whatever mistakes I’ve made will have to be considered within the package as a whole. (Does that sound like a Dad talking?)
I agree that Moms are more prone to waves of guilt. But my Mom is an exception. My sisters are very critical of her, but I remember Mom saying to me, “If they have problems, the problems aren’t my fault”. Very matter-of-fact — no sign of angst there whatsoever.
Q
November 9th, 2005 at 9:56 am, theyellowwallpaper Says:
Everyday I feel a guilt over my actions in regards to raising my children. Should I have read to them more? Is my daughter watching too many movies, etc. I too have tried to talk it over with my hubs and he assures me that I’m doing a great job and goes back to his task at hand.
I think it is an immense amount of responsiblity mixed with a very inexact science: parenting. I want to get this job right, but there is no definitive path. We just make our way.
I suspect this feeling won’t go away any time soon unfortunately.
November 9th, 2005 at 11:34 am, Mary P. Says:
I hesistated to comment, because I wanted to think it through carefully.
My conclusion: No, I don’t feel mommy guilt.
From time to time, I do worry about how my chldren will turn out, of course, but not often. Perhaps it’s because they’re a little older, and I can see them making many of their own decisions for themselves, and perhaps because I’ve seen so many children and have a larger perspective…
Elmininating unloving, grossly neglectful and/or abusive parents, it just makes no sense to me to assume that any life-long failure on their part would be directly attributable to something I did. Certainly not attributable to little things that consume so many mothers: soothers, television, comic books, even potty training (!!) - they’re just not that significant in the long run!
What matters is that you love, respect, admire and support your children. Really. Anything after that is window dressing.
November 9th, 2005 at 11:48 am, Chag Says:
You are so spot-on about how the media portrays famous mothers and fathers. Guys get off easy, as you put it, for doing anything right. It’s true.
From my own personal experiences, I’ll meet moms and when they find out I’m a stay-at-home dad, they’ll say something like, “Oh that’s so great! Your wife is so lucky!” They would never utter those words to another woman. But because I’m a guy doing what I’m doing, I’m a saint in their eyes. It’s an insane double standard.
But yes, Dads feel the guilt as well. At least I do. Christ, do I ever.
November 9th, 2005 at 12:08 pm, McSwain Says:
It’s so true, Susan. We can’t win for losing. I know that I do the best I can, so don’t suffer from mommy guilt much, but only because I’ve learned to ignore all of that societal pressure.
November 9th, 2005 at 12:42 pm, ieatcrayonz Says:
My father somehow managed to get through life without changing a single diaper: two kids of his own, multiple nieces and nephews, and now two grandkids.
No guilt whatsoever. He should be shot. Although, I must admit that he felt kinda bad when Lauren had the upchucks on Ted’s weekend. He said he wished he could have cared for her that Monday. Kinda hard to do when you avoid the maintenance tasks on a poop machine.
November 9th, 2005 at 2:31 pm, Misfit Hausfrau Says:
I feel the Mommy guilt because I worry that I am turning into my mother. That was the last think in the world I wanted to be–too strict, rigid, unhappy, always yelling, mean and critical. I know that I am not all of these things (yet), but I think of everything I do and worry that I am going to make my daughters so unhappy with their lives and be alienated from me. I didn’t know as a kid that my Mom was this way because she suffers from severe depression and had a husband who was disabled, yet capable of helping to parent but chose not to.
Even though I don’t have NEARLY the burdens my mother had, I worry that I am not good enough for my girls.
November 9th, 2005 at 4:11 pm, adria Says:
Yes, yes, yes, I have ‘mommy guilt’ and it sucks! I try to put things in perspective because my family is healthy, we have food and shelter, etc, so I should not feel guilty about every choice I make. But I do.
I do believe guilt runs in families because my mother and Micah’s mother always play the guilt card. I am try like crazy not to turn that corner.
The thing that really triggers the guilt is when people ask me: When are you going back to work? Or are you working now? The question always comes up when I mention Daria is in preschool. I immediately feel horrible because I am not spending my 7 1/2 hours a week of Daria-free time at a job.
Speaking of our asses - I through out (donated) all the jeans/pants my ass could not get into and purchased new pants yesterday that fit! And of course, I felt guilty for buying something for myself right before the holidays.
November 9th, 2005 at 4:28 pm, Susan Says:
Adria, good for you! Nothing feeds the guilt like clothes that SHOULD fit but don’t. And don’t feel guilty about shopping for yourself–my cool J. Crew shoes should arrive tomorrow, and NOTHING is going to spoil my happiness. Do you all hear me? NOTHING.
November 9th, 2005 at 5:55 pm, Heather K Says:
For me it seems that my mommy guilt is about asking myself over and over (whether I’m realizing I do it or not) if I’m getting it “right” —as if there is some perfect standard out there that I’m measuring up to. Heck I even feel bad the weeks I skip our library trip even if we still have 26 things checked out already. Will have to check out Mommy myth as well! I can guarantee you my husband doesn’t lose a minute worrying about when the last time the kid ate any fruit was or feeding her spaghettios instead of cooking up some “real” pasta.
November 9th, 2005 at 11:02 pm, leah Says:
Yeah I’ve got the Mommy guilt bad. I’ll be playing with my 5.5 month old - tickling him or munching on his adorable little neck - and suddenly I’ll get a pang of guilt that I’m not doing something to challenge the developmental stage he’s at. Or I’ll put him on his mat to play so that I can start dinner and feel guilty that he has to entertain himself. I know it’s irrational, but it’s still there.
And the guys don’t get out of the guilt - at least not my guy. Read about daddy guilt on my hubby’s blog.
November 10th, 2005 at 6:37 am, Juggling Mother Says:
IMO mommyguilt is mostly media based, but also partly genetic. I guess is designed to make us try and do better today than we did yesterday:-)
Men get out of a lot of it by a) having nicer media images, b) generally not being the main carer c) having more logical minds and d) being rooted in time (they say women are always looking to th future, but men only think about today), but they still get some.
It’s also harder for those of us who strive to be “good” mothers, because however much we know we are doing a good job, we also know there are things we don’t do, for whatever reason, that might be good for the kids.