October 3, 2006
just one thing
I’m feeling a little edgy these days, and not in a good, artsy, rock-n-roll kind of way, more in a little-things-make-me-want-to-weep kind of way. Except the things that make me want to weep don’t really seem that little; in fact, they seem huge, which makes the little things seem even worse.
The list of Things Making Me Edgy is long and complicated, and includes everything from Mark Foley and his dirty text messages to yesterday’s school shooting in Pennsylvania to the President’s new ability to label pretty much anyone an “unlawful enemy combatant.” The world feels like a very scary place right now, like a place where people have forgotten how to use their nice words, or how to use their words at all.
Charlie had another nosebleed last night, one that took nearly two hours to completely stop. When it was all over and we were finally sitting down to dinner, I told Wade that I thought I should call our pediatrician, just to check in; I’m pretty sure it’s nothing, but I don’t know for certain any more. He agreed, because even though we’re doing everything Doctor Google recommends and even though we’re sure it’s allergies or a cold, it’s scary and unusual.
I hate the unusual, especially when it’s scary.
A couple of weeks ago, Charlie had a lockdown drill at school. When the boys have fire drills, I always make a point of having them talk about what they did and what the rules are IN CASE there is a REAL fire. So when Charlie told me about the lockdown drill, I did the same thing, even though it scared the hell out of me to think about the REAL thing. “We go to housekeeping,” Charlie told me matter-of-factly, “and Mrs. H turns off the lights in our classroom and puts our card in the window.” Housekeeping is one of the centers in Charlie’s class, the one with the dress-up clothes and the pretend kitchen; it is in a corner away from the external windows. The card shows school officials that everyone in that class is safe and accounted for. I asked Charlie if he knew why they might need to do that, to lock the classroom like that, and he said, “Yes, in case someone comes into my school who isn’t supposed to be there.”
I’m baffled these days by the decisions I see people making, by a President who sees no problem with advocating torture, by a Congressman who purports to be protecting missing and exploited children while he’s soliciting young boys, by a father who walks his own children to the bus stop and then executes someone else’s children. I don’t understand that combination of cowardice and stupidity and maliciousness.
Yesterday I sat on the bathroom floor holding a Kleenex to Charlie’s nose for over an hour. Henry brought us wet washcloths to wipe the blood up with; Charlie cried and said he wanted the bleeding to STOP RIGHT NOW. It was the most mundane of childhood moments, this nosebleed, but it was almost overwhelming to me, because of all the other things going on around us. I want to protect my children from everything, from bloody noses and people with guns and a government that seems to be playing by its own rules. And I can’t do it and it makes me edgy.
I’m picking the boys up early today and taking Charlie to the doctor. I’m sure she will look in his nose and say that he’s fine, that it’s just allergies or a cold or dry skin, but I need to know. I feel these days like there are so many things that are wrong in the world, so many things that I can’t fix for my children, and I need to know that this ONE thing is okay.
Posted by Susan @ 9:17 am • Uncategorized
RSS feed for comments on this post.
TrackBack URI
October 3rd, 2006 at 10:56 am, Jenorama Says:
God, do I hear you. I have been on edge and have been in need of a really good cry since Thursday. And you know that I’ve been writing about many of these issues myself.
And it frustrates me that that is all we can do right now. That and vote vote vote.
I hope the source of the nosebleeds, at least, is something very minor.
October 3rd, 2006 at 10:57 am, Chilihead2 Says:
I completely understand. I the doctor sets your mind more at ease.
October 3rd, 2006 at 10:57 am, M&Co. Says:
I know. This morning I’ve been thinking about the killings in Pennsylvania and it makes my heart hurt.
October 3rd, 2006 at 11:07 am, Sheryl Says:
I feel exactly the same way today. I felt the fear fluttering around the edges of my mind this morning while doing the dishes, and burst into tears before the kids even got up. I seriously considered cancelling school altogether today.
October 3rd, 2006 at 11:53 am, Mir Says:
My friend, I will drink to that. *clink*
October 3rd, 2006 at 11:54 am, Nina Says:
All I can say is that I feel you. Sigh.
October 3rd, 2006 at 12:33 pm, Maria Says:
Ya know, I have been reading your blog for several months and I must say, that I am disappointed in today’s post. As I can feel for you with the nose bleeds, the unconrollable urge of wanting to protect and keep your children safe and the “edginess” in general that you are feeling right now. BUT, do you REALLY think that what the president deems as an “unlawful enemy combatant” will ever really pertain to you or anyone you know? I am not a conservative myself, and I didn’t vote for Bush either time, and you’d think I’d jump all over the comments out there critizing the President and him doing what he deems necessary. Do you really believe he is trying to harm our (his) country?? Or somewhere deep down do you know he’s trying to protect us? Don’t you think if and when another terrorist attack is launched on our country everyone will be quick to blame the President and say that he didn’t do enough???? The uneasy feeling you are feeling shouldn’t be based on George Bush … it should be toward the terrorists that are plotting RIGHT NOW somewhere to inflict harm on ANY American, regardless.
I’m sorry, if people would put half as much hatred towards the terrorists that are living right here in our own country (and abroad) rather than the leaders (regardless of party) that are trying to protect us, the world WOULD be a much better place.
Good luck at the doctor. I hope Charlie goes nosebleed free in the coming days!
October 3rd, 2006 at 12:36 pm, Anonymous Says:
You have probably read about this from Dr. Google, but on the off chance you haven’t here goes. As someone who is prone to nosebleeds, a doctor told me one time to put some vaseline on a q-tip and swab it up into my nose on a regular basis when I am getting a lot of them. I always get nosebleeds at the change of seasons when the air dries out so, while it is kind of gross to do, getting that moisture in there really helps.
October 3rd, 2006 at 1:40 pm, Melissa Says:
I hope your day ends peacefully, and that the doctor provides reassurance.
October 3rd, 2006 at 1:46 pm, MamaChristy Says:
Bleeding baby isn’t mundane. It’s frightening, even if you know he will be okay. You are doing the right thing taking him to the doctor. We’re all hoping for a good diagnosis (hey, you aren’t the only one craving good news).
October 3rd, 2006 at 1:59 pm, Jamie Says:
I feel similar. Not about the same issues necessarily but I totally feel where you are coming from. Sara Groves has this great song on her Station Wagon CD I think it’s called “Prayers for a Child” I just listen and cry. Good therapy when words just won’t cut it. Actually the whole CD just about makes me cry esp when we are experiencing particularly challeging times with our oldest. Hope all is well.
October 3rd, 2006 at 2:46 pm, chichimama Says:
I told my husband last night that I am sorely tempted to spend the hours that my kids are in school parked in the parking lot reading, just in case I have to get them out for some reason. He convinced me I could walk across the street to the dentist and Starbucks, but it was a close call.
I hope everything turns out find with Charlie. And I hope we can all find some peace and hope.
October 3rd, 2006 at 4:04 pm, Susan Says:
Maria, I appreciate both your honesty and your civility; thank you for being polite.
Yes, I *DO* feel threatened by the Bush administrations policies, particularly those that condone torture and circumvent the Geneva Convention. I *DON’T* believe that Mr. Bush is doing what is in the best interest of our country, but that he is promoting a culture of fear, one in which we are unable to see past surface differences and engage in constructive discussion and community building. I worry as well about how this administration’s policies have–and will continue to–affect the way we are percieved by the rest of the world.
I don’t hate George Bush–or Mark Foley or Charles Roberts, either. But I am deeply disappointed in all three of them, and fearful of the repercussions of their choices.
Maria, I respect you for disagreeing politely and civilly, because in the end the ability to disagree–in a civil manner–is what makes this a great country, and THAT is what is at stake. Thank you for taking the time to have your say, and for saying it honestly and constructively.
Fianlly, this: Charlie has TWO infected ears, and an appointment with an ENT first thing tomorrow morning. In the meantime, I’ll be swabbing him with Vaseline. Wish me luck.
October 3rd, 2006 at 4:47 pm, daysgoby Says:
Jesus, S, you made me cry.
I know what you mean. About a week ago my mother told me she was glad I live in Canada now.
Because she’s afraid.
I hope Charlie is okay.
October 3rd, 2006 at 5:45 pm, boogiemum Says:
I have to admit that I do live in fear. I did not allow my stepdaughter to go to an awesome unique sprawling campused school because I felt that it would not be able to have a safe lock down if anything happened.
After the shooting at the Seattle Jewish Federation center, I debated pulling my kids out of their Jewish Federation Preschool. Its hard not to think like that when you see all that goes on in the world today.
The world is a much scarier place than when we were kids. I mourn that fact that my kids will never know the joy of riding their bikes across town to a friend’s house. I guess all we can do is try to prepare them and make the best of what we can…
October 3rd, 2006 at 6:35 pm, ieatcrayonz Says:
Me, too, girl. Me too.
October 3rd, 2006 at 7:22 pm, Karyn Says:
Amen, sister.
The school shootings are the headlines that send me streaking for the bathroom to puke in total terror.
What happened at the Peedy? I hope it all goes well - I know you are capable of handling volumes, but you shouldn’t have to.
Unusual & Scary are a suckorrific combination.
Thinking good thoughts for you & yours from way up nawth -
October 3rd, 2006 at 7:43 pm, Kara Says:
The school shootings have me sick… as someone who works in and has a young child in school, it’s easy to see how easy a targets schools are.
I worked at a boarding school close to NYC for several years and on 9/11 had to sit with my students (and hold them as they cried) as they attempted to contact their parents in Manhattan.
I recall that day every single day that I am with my students. If there is an emergency, local or national, my first job is to protect my STUDENTS. I’m a caretaker of those kids first, and a mom second.
I’m happy to hear that you son’s school has such a good plan and that they practice it. The world is a beautiful and terrible place.
In other news, the kiddo started getting spurting bloody noses for the firts time this fall. Odd, macabre, and messy but I’ve been told not to worry. Hope Henry’s bleeds are as benign.
October 3rd, 2006 at 7:46 pm, Tina Says:
Read a bit further and saw that he has double ear infection, sorry! that’s icky.
Here’s something that our ENT and allergist both recommended for allergy/sinus issues…and recurrent bloody noses…saline mist spray. Helps to flush out allergens and gunk as well as keep the inside of the nose moister instead of dry.
Hope he feels better! we’ve done the whole ear, allergy, asthma thing here as well. Good luck!
October 3rd, 2006 at 10:58 pm, Anonymous Says:
I honestly have stopped watching the news. As one who deals with anxiety and depression on a sometimes daily basis, watching the news gives me too much cause for more worry and fear. Makes it too easy to imagine how I would feel if something happened to one of my four children or my husband. Or how they would cope if something happened to me.
However, I’m not proud to say that I purposely live with my head in the sand. And, I really do need to be more informed about the decisions of our leaders.
It’s a catch-22.
Thank you for the thought-provoking post Susan.
October 3rd, 2006 at 11:11 pm, The Daring One Says:
Oh. This makes me so sad. I try not to think about this stuff. I try not to go there. It’s easier to write about ballet class and pretend there’s no lockdown or skeezy people in the world. It’s easier just to block it all out. Then sometimes it comes barging in anyway.
October 4th, 2006 at 5:52 am, Tara Says:
My motto is: hold those you love more tightly, wait for this particular storm to pass, and VOTE.
October 4th, 2006 at 7:06 am, Anonymous Says:
I feel your frustration over the world today and the simplistic thought often comes to my mind “We’re all humans…we all get up in the morning, pull our pants on the same way. We have hearts and loved ones. Why can’t everyone get along?” Though a simple thought…it’s unfortunate that the simplest things often are the most difficult to achieve. Though I certainly don’t live with a bag over my head, I listen to the news, read the paper, shed tears when innocent people (children or adults) are killed senselessly, I think of ALL of the wonderful things in the world that are STILL happening. The giggle of our children. The smile of a stranger. The simple things. They are still here, in this world, and are BEAUTIFUL and WONDERFUL and we are BLESSED and LUCKY to have these things, simple as they are. I do hope your little one’s nose is all better soon.
October 4th, 2006 at 8:07 am, Meegs Says:
Susan, I understand where you are coming from. The world is a scary place to be right now. I know it doesn’t make sense, but the fact that little AMISH children in their little one room schoolhouse can’t be safe, well it hits me harder then any of the other shootings have and I can definitely see why people would want to homeschool their children! It’s a sad fact of life that you can’t protect your children from everything, nor should you, but good gravy… school was alway one place that as a child I did feel protected and safe. All that has changed. The world has changed. I don’t know if I like it.
October 4th, 2006 at 8:23 am, chris Says:
I understand. The world is so scary I just want to stay inside my house and never leave and especially never let my children leave.
I can do that, right?
October 4th, 2006 at 9:24 am, The June Cleaver Diaries Says:
It’s so odd that most of us here have never met, but this “edginess” is universal among us. I’ve been replaying the events of the past three days or so in my head. I miss the days when I was Charlie’s age, ignorant to how insane this world really is, certain that adults were around to protect me. The bad guys were the ones with the black masks on their faces, and I never saw one, so all was right with the world.
October 4th, 2006 at 10:13 am, NothingButBonfires Says:
Oh Susan, you’re just so fabulous. In such a poignant way. How can you be simultaneously so fabulous and so poignant? And have such great hair?
Fingers crossed Charlie’s fine.
October 4th, 2006 at 12:16 pm, Anonymous Says:
Life’s a bitch and then ya die.
Being scared only says they’re winning. (”They” being the bad guys/evil doers/whatever p.c. term is popular now.)
October 4th, 2006 at 1:38 pm, Susan Says:
Anonymous, I beg to differ. Being scared doesn’t mean that “they” are winning; it means that I am thinking; it means that I am aware of what is going on around me and that I am concerned about what I see. I’m not cowering in fear; I am taking steps to protect my children and my values. Some of the steps we have taken–schools that have lockdown drills, for example–make me sad at the same time that they reassure me that my sons are safe. Other steps–like voting, and owning my political beliefs, and teaching my sons to respect our leaders and to engage in constructive discussion–make me feel incredibly powerful.
And you know, there are good days and bad days, but I don’t really find life to be nasty, brutish and short, even on the hardest of days.
October 4th, 2006 at 2:33 pm, mamatulip Says:
Oh, I hear you loud and clear — I’ve been feeling very similarly about the world right now. Scary indeed.
I really hope everything checks out okay with Charlie. Keep us posted…
October 4th, 2006 at 4:52 pm, Velma Says:
I’m coming late to the party, but I couldn’t agree more, Susan.
October 8th, 2006 at 9:10 am, Kelly Says:
Such a moving post. Thanks for writing it. I think, as the comments show, many of us are feeling exactly the same way. So at least we can take comfort in knowing we’re not alone.
I, too, have been upset and frightened not just by current events but by the long-term havoc wrought by some at the top of our government. And added to that general fear is the more specific, close-to-home fear of discovering that my sweet babies have asthma — like the nosebleeds, probably not a big deal in the long run, but scary! I need a good cry.