February 21, 2006
it’s not possible to get fired from this job, is it?
Has anyone else realized how terribly this website exposes the lie of my assertions that I’m not sporting nice shoes and a manicure? Look! Picures of my shoes! And my hair! Twice, even! I would show you my unmanicured fingernails but I have some horrible dry skin thing going on that no one needs to see. Or hear about! Sorry.
Clearly, my life is just one big spa day. Here are yesterday’s highlights:
Charlie and I went to SuperTarget because we were out of all the essentials like milk and frozen spring rolls and zit cream and we ran into my sister-in-law’s friend M (who I only ever see at SuperTarget and the country club, which also confirms that my life is one of neverending glamour). I told her that my sister-in-law is expecting baby #4 and we chatted about M’s three girls, and it was on the TIP OF MY TONGUE to ask if she and her husband were thinking of another baby. But then Charlie said he had to go potty, so I said goodbye and went on my way.
And then, in the bathroom, I remembered that M and her husband are getting a divorce. Whoo, glad I didn’t ask about another baby! Of course, that got me fretting about not having said how sorry I was to hear they were divorcing, which reminded me that I only knew about the divorce through the grapevine and not firsthand so it was probably a good thing I didn’t say anything and . . .
And then Charlie said proudly, ‘I pooped! In the potty! Wipe my bottom.’
After SuperTarget (where I bought NOTHING that wasn’t on my carefully preplanned list) Charlie and I headed home. The garage door on my side is all whacked out from the cold weather and has to be opened and closed manually, which is a bitch in the snow and requires locking the door from the garage into the house because the door can’t be closed the entire way from the outside. I slogged through the melting piles of ice in my driveway while Charlie yelled, ‘It’s COLD! Hurry up!’ which was nice in an annoying kind of way and lugged all the groceries in while Charlie stood at the door yelling, ‘It’s COLD! Hurry up!’ which was still annoying but no longer nice and put them all away. Of course that was when I realized that I had forgotten to get apple juice, dates, hummous, and trash bags because even though we needed them, they WEREN’T ON THE LIST. Dammit.
Charlie wanted to watch Charlie and Lola, which gave me time to read my e-mail make the beds, so I turned the TV on for him and said, ‘When this is over, we will need to leave to get Henry.’ We pulled out of the garage with EXACTLY enough time to get to Henry’s school, and then I noticed that Wade had taken the trash out, as today is trash day, except instead of taking the TRASH to the curb, he had taken the RECYCLING, which the trash guys will NOT pick up. This isn’t the first time this has happened; usually we say, ‘Whew, good thing we have two trash cans!’ Today, though, BOTH trash cans were full. Overflowing. Barely containing the detrius of our life. And if we missed this week’s trash pick up, it was going to get ugly.
But! No time to switch the cans! Time to go get the boy!
I pulled up outside Henry’s school with three minutes to spare, and thought oh good, I can call and get a hair appointment (yes, I’m cutting it; don’t act so surprised) only to discover that the battery on my cell phone was dead. Thank god Henry’s teacher didn’t need to find me. Of course (OF COURSE!) when I went up to the door to get Henry, his teacher said, ‘Henry had a really hard morning. I almost called you to come get him.’ I almost said, ‘But you couldn’t, see, because MY CELL PHONE WASN’T WORKING.’ But I didn’t say that; I said, ‘Really, any time you think he’s struggling too much, just call me. I ALWAYS have my cell phone.’ Whew–that was close.
The boys argued all the way home about where they would eat lunch and what they would watch on TV (Higglytown Heros! No, the Heffalump Movie! No, Robots!) and I said, ‘We’re going to eat at the TABLE and NOT watch TV,’ over and over and OVER. At home, I sent the boys in the house, dragged the recycling back to the side of the house and dragged BOTH trash cans to the curb (they have wheels, but still). By the time I came in, I was covered in mud and snow and the boys were fighting. It was just like a Johnson&Johnson commercial. Really.
The rest of the day was filled with loving, cooperative play is a blur of flying blocks and timeouts, capped by repeated bedtime demands of ‘WHERE IS DADDY? WHY ISN’T DADDY HERE? I WANT DADDY TO READ TO ME!’ Daddy worked late, by which I mean that Daddy went out to dinner with the out-of-town consultants while I duct taped the boys into their beds and started drinking cooking sherry. And yes, I got some small joy out of the news that the tilapia at dinner was overcooked. My Cheerios, on the other hand, were delicious.
When I tucked Henry in (after some protracted debate about who Mommy would snuggle with first–both boys were yelling, ‘NO, I don’t want to be first! Go in his room first!’ which made me feel loved) he started to cry because he has decided he’s afraid of the dark and needs ALL the lights in his room on when he goes to bed. I am fairly sure this translates to ‘I want to stay up and play in my room after bedtime,’ and so I told him gently and kindly that while he could NOT have the lights on he COULD have a second nightlight. Which made him cry harder as this is a deviation from The Routine. Meanwhile, I can hear Charlie jumping on his bed and thunking into the walls. And then Wade came home. The end. (No, not really, there was more crying and insisting that Daddy’s closet is haunted and Mommy needs to come lay down with me and blah blah blah but you get the picture).
Yes, this is the life everyone is dying to have. Right? Riiiight.
Posted by Susan @ 9:59 pm • Uncategorized
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February 22nd, 2006 at 1:09 am, adria Says:
Micah does the same thing with our garbage/recycling cans. Why am I the only one who know which can goes out and when??
Supertarget? We only have ‘regular’ Target. What makes it ’super’?
Again, cute shoes, and what will the new do look like? Cannot wait to see the pics!
February 22nd, 2006 at 6:40 am, Misfit Hausfrau Says:
While I haven’t started a true study, I have notice that Eleanor has a lot more behavioral issues during and immediately after a full moon. Weird, no?
Glad I’m not the only one livin la vida loca at Target.
February 22nd, 2006 at 7:54 am, Jenorama Says:
It gets better. Truly it does. Yesterday morning, I sat at the kitchen table and beamed at my boys. I said, “You’ve come a long way, baby! You can all bathe yourselves, dress yourselves, and feed yourselves, and you can all go to the bathroom by yourselves!” (and I didn’t even have to use the word potty, because they can all say ‘bathroom’ now too).
They looked at me blankly, like cattle, and continued chewing their cud.
February 22nd, 2006 at 8:59 am, Nancy Says:
SuperTarget and cooking sherry… sounds like a red-letter day.
February 22nd, 2006 at 9:25 am, Kara Says:
it sounds like heaven… frantic chaotic heaven, but still nice (oh my god, does that last statement have i hate my job and i want to stay at home and have another baby written all over it or what?).
how is your cereal diet coming along?
February 22nd, 2006 at 9:57 am, Gina Says:
I personally am impressed with the fact that you did not deviate from your list.
There seems to be something genetically programmed in me that no matter how hard I try, I have to get extra items.
And, thanking my lucky stars over here that our both our recycling and regular trash are picked up on the same day.
It’s all about the little things.
February 22nd, 2006 at 11:18 am, Susan Says:
Gina, it was really an act of god, as I usually come home with at least (AT LEAST) five or six things that were not on the list.
Today, for example, Charlie and I ran in to Target solely for apple juice and trash bags and Liquid Plumr, and came home with glitter pens and cookies. But no Liquid Plumr. Ha ha ha.
February 22nd, 2006 at 11:24 am, Mary P. Says:
A day of disasters neatly sidestepped, I’d say: you didn’t stick your foot in it by asking your divorcing friend about potential babies; nor did you let on you KNEW about the divorce she hadn’t mentioned to you; you got Henry on time and the teacher didn’t know you were negligent about the phone, AND you got the garbage out.
Well done!
(Told you I was an optimist. Because really, that’s what I’d be saying to myself if all that had happened to me. It’s annoying, I know, but it’s how my mind works. I just can’t help myself.)
Glad to see you’re following my duct tape strategy to peaceful bedtimes.
February 22nd, 2006 at 11:31 am, Felicity Says:
today this working-outside-the-home mom, who tries to save her vacation days for REAL vacations, which means, camping, as a tent is all I can afford on my BIG WORKING SALARY, is at HOME.
HA!
Fin has been heaving since 5pm yesterday (when he hurled in the Sears store and the clerk so professionally covered the lower half of his face with his arm whiel screaming “Oh this is lovely! I can’t stand the smell!”) and last night I even–I admit it!–got a little angry because every time I finally fell deeply asleep, he would throw up on my back in our cofamily bed! Lovely! Every single sheet, blanket and towel in my house is in the laundry but I have NO DETERGENT! And, I also feel guilty about not being at work because we have THREE grant proposals to get out BEFORE FIVE! So I’m walking my boss through this on the phone and with email…all to say that, today, I *would* take your life.
February 22nd, 2006 at 11:46 am, kyra Says:
so funny! you always crack me up. thanks for that! i wish i could come over and slam back cooking sherry with you.
February 22nd, 2006 at 12:35 pm, MamaChristy Says:
Don’t you LOVE Charlie and Lola? That show is so cute and keeps my toddler entertained…
February 22nd, 2006 at 12:40 pm, theyellowwallpaper Says:
Alas, we are all stuck with this job, even if there are days when I wish I could take an extended leave, kinda like a sabbatical.
February 22nd, 2006 at 12:41 pm, Suburban Turmoil Says:
You are a perfect candidate for Super Nanny. Reading this was like watching an episode. I’d love to hear her tell your boys, “That is not asseptible.” And then she could come to my house and convince my 12-year-old to wash her hair for a change and to put her trash in the trashcan. Heh heh.
I loved the thought of you duct taping the boys into their beds and getting out the cooking sherry!
February 22nd, 2006 at 12:55 pm, Susan Says:
I’m all about Super Nanny! But instead of teaching me how to Do It Myself, maybe she come and stay for a week while I go to Canyon Ranch and have my pores vacuumed. Because that would be the most helpful, I think.
February 22nd, 2006 at 1:49 pm, kfk Says:
Aiy Yi Yi! I would have drank the white cooking wine instead.
Those days are miserable.
February 22nd, 2006 at 2:32 pm, Caloden Says:
Children are vermin. If they weren’t so freaking cute at times and sex wasn’t such a good thing at other times, we would have tranquil lives and beautiful nails. Alas, ’tis not to be. I think you should add another one to the mix just for giggles.
February 22nd, 2006 at 3:13 pm, emlouisa Says:
lol! I too am impressed in the non-deviation from the Target list. It is all too easy to just go crazy there.
February 22nd, 2006 at 3:23 pm, Susan Says:
Caloden, bite your tongue! We’re not adding so much as a guinea pig to this household.
Actually, I think guinea pigs are disgusting. BUT! No more creatures who cannot care for themselves! None!
February 22nd, 2006 at 3:40 pm, Kathy C Says:
Just so you know, it really does get better. Parenting is the hardest job you will ever had, as you said earlier.
Now, to bring more joy to your life, I was watching Good Morning America this morning and Dianne Sawyer was going on and on about how there are Mommy Wars - really truly - and we should all be concerned!! Please. Someone. Stop this madness.
And that little bit of news brought me out of lurkdom, as I thought of you.
February 22nd, 2006 at 3:51 pm, Susan Says:
Kathy! I saw that too, thanks to Hausfrau, who e-mailed me at like 6:45 in the morning (subject line: I HOPE YOU READ THIS BEFORE 8:10 YOUR TIME!).
I will have a few things to say about the whole bit of programming, don’t you worry. For now, though, I will leave you with this: WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH DIANE SAWYER?
Ahem. That is all.
February 22nd, 2006 at 5:41 pm, Homestead Says:
I want you to know we have a line item in our carefully constructed Quicken budget for “Target End-caps” so I can buy clearance items and all those things I didn’t know I needed…. like adorable blue button chairs for my deck.
And we have to HAUL our recycling AND our garbage to the transfer station. And they no longer accept plastic recycling.
And I had great sushi at the Super Target in Colorado Springs.
And I love the movie “Blast from the Past” mostly for the mom’s sherry drinking…..
Next time you need to open the glitter pens and add “glitter pens & cookies” to the list….
February 22nd, 2006 at 6:01 pm, Callie Says:
This reminds me of why I am SO SO glad that we have alley trash pick-up. No hauling! No forgetting! It rocks.
February 22nd, 2006 at 7:03 pm, Nothing But Bonfires Says:
I would like the SuperTarget, the hummus (once you go back and get it), and the two adorably sweet little boys. You can keep the malfunctioning garage door and the snow.
February 22nd, 2006 at 7:41 pm, Susie Says:
Oh God and I’m thinking of having another. Thanks for slapping me.
Kidding. I think?
No, really… children are delightful. During naps and bedtime. HAHAH I’m so funny! And kidding Joke Joke Joke. Wink wink nudge nudge.
February 22nd, 2006 at 9:25 pm, Rachelle Says:
Oh the fun. Posts like this make me think maybe one really is good enough. And I am jealous of a Target!
February 22nd, 2006 at 10:11 pm, Kristen Says:
Huh. We have that recycling/trash problem, too. In fact, our recycling bin has basically just become another trash can. Ah, we suck.
I hope Henry has a better morning tomorrow. What was wrong?
February 23rd, 2006 at 9:47 am, Candace Says:
I have made an executive decision.
We should all take a vacation from these children of ours. We’ll go somewhere warm, with beaches and spas. And cabana boys. We must have cabana boys.
We’ll get massages and pores vacuumed and we’ll sip froofy drinks on the warm sand.
And we will not talk about The Children. We’ll talk about cute boys and nail polish colors and politics and world events and Project Runway.
Who’s in?
February 23rd, 2006 at 10:44 am, L. Says:
It all boils down to the trash, doesn`t it?
We have had trash….ISSUES in every city in which we`ve lived. We are no closer to resolving them.
February 23rd, 2006 at 1:17 pm, Kathy C Says:
Trash - Our lovely garbage service ENCOURAGES the mixture of recycling with regular garbage. They take it all and send it through a huge blower - that separates the recycling and eliminates human jobs. Truly I must be blessed?
And Dianne Sawyer? She has lost it. I told my hubs this morning that I just couldn’t watch her anymore. Seriously, BEFORE your response. NBC had olympic coverage so he switched to FOX. Yikes! I opted to read my news on line today.
February 23rd, 2006 at 4:25 pm, Meredith Says:
Ah the trash, if I don’t remember to put it out or remind my husband, it doesn’t go out. Ours gets picked up at 6am and one time I woke up at 5am and remembered we had not put it out so I took it out in the cold and scary dark. At least it doesn’t snow here.
I want super Target! We only have plain old borning Target (that I still love - anything but Walmart (shudder)).
Your shoes are as cute as your hair!