February 20, 2006
it seems so appropriate to have Judith Warner in the sidebar for this
Last night I sat and read all of your comments and suggestions about my hair and Charlie’s sleep, and I can’t thank you enough–certainly for your thoughtful feedback about Charlie and all those nice things you said about the hair, but more importantly for being so respectful and kind to each other, even when you disagreed. I don’t know how it is but the comments here at Friday Playdate always have the tone of a lovely cocktail party, where everyone is wearing a nice dress and some fantastic shoes and using their party manners. I’ve been reading around at other sites where, well, that’s just not true, and I am deeply grateful to all of you for just being so darn nice. Thank you.
I was particularly aware of your niceness this weekend because while I was trapped in the house with my family for two days watching the sleet fall and fall and fall outside (we’re still trapped today! because the schools are closed! and the roads are icy! isn’t that terrific!) I had a chance to read our local newspaper, which I try so very hard not to do because it never fails to irritate me. And look! It’s happened again.
Saturday’s editorial page included a piece titled What Working Moms Do, by Jennifer James McCollum. I don’t know this woman and have no bones to pick with her personally; instead, I want to think about the way she talks about being a ‘working mom’ and why it irritates me so much.
We are all aware of the ‘Mommy Wars’ if only because the media has stoked the fire with, among other things, stories of career women who gave birth and left work and now wake up every morning wondering if they did the right thing. Recently, the talk has been about ‘opting out‘ and how this is related to my generation’s commitment to the feminist ideals of our foremothers.
In the Mommy Wars, ‘we’ are pitted against ‘them.’ Who are ‘we’? Well, what group do you identify with–working mom, stay home mom, working from home mom? Single mom, married mom, older mom, younger mom? Pick a group, please, because otherwise how will ‘we’ recognize you as one of ‘us’ and not one of ‘them’? And ‘we’ are better than ‘they’ are, in some essential way. My favorite parenting book ever is Jennifer Conlin’s The Perfect Parents Handbook. In in, with a mock seriousness similar to that in Spinal Tap, Conlin asserts that the most important part of being a good parent is identifying your perfect parent group in order that you and your children will associate with the right people. She offers each group tips on maternity fashions, what to name the baby, how to announce the birth, how to chose a preschool, what sports to play, and so on. While Conlin is being funny (and she is, truly, so very funny), her parody works because it strikes at the heart of the Mommy Wars: unless you are part of the ‘right’ group, you are a failure as a parent.
Which brings me back to the essay in the Oklahoman. McCollum, a working mother of two, lists the things working moms do: ‘buy in bulk and wear ugly shoes so they get there quickly and come back faster. . . . file their nails at stoplights and have messy cars full of things like straw wrappers, school papers, missing pacifiers covered in goo and hair, pen caps, empty packets of coffee creamer, bills that needed to [be] mailed two weeks ago and ATM receipts. . . sacrifice their locks for wash-and-wear hair . . . cry when their toddlers crush blush into the bathroom rug. . . melt when, after such episodes, their children say, “You know what, mommy? I shoooore do love you.”‘ And I found myself thinking, okay, but I do all of those things as well. And I am not a ‘working mother.’
Does McCollum really think that, as a stay-home mom, I wear pretty shoes every day? That I have time for weekly manicures or an elaborate hairstyle? That my car is always clean and free of kid junk? That I am not angry when my children destroy my things? That I don’t ‘melt’ when my sons break out the ‘I love you, Mommy’ apology? McCollum seems to be imagining the stay-home mom as some combination of Mary Poppins, Sister Theresa, and Princess Diana. And yes, I would love to be that woman, to have that life. But I don’t, nor do any of the stay-home moms I know.
For McCollum, however, the biggest distinction seems to be that ‘Working moms . . worry, cry and buy’ too much. And again I found myself wondering what precisely made the working mom different from the stay-home mom. Am I doing this wrong? Is not working supposed to free me from worry? From tears? From some sense that a stop at the dollar store just might make up for all the ways I am failing my children? If so, then I am doing a worse job than I feared I was, because not only do I not wear nice shoes most of the time, but I worry and cry more than I ever expected to. But I always assumed that this was because I was a mother, not because I worked or stayed home. ‘All these working moms know the hardest job in the world is being a stay-at-home mom,’ McCollum writes. ‘They wish, sometimes, they could be one.’ I think McCollum has completely missed the point here: the hardest job is not being a stay-at-home mom; the hardest job is being a parent. And what makes it so hard, particularly for women, is this sense that we are not all on the same side, that we are battling it out to see whose job is harder, who is making the most sacrifices, who does this best. To have our side declared the winner of the Mommy Wars.
I am so tired of this rhetoric–that working mothers desperately desire to be home with their children, that stay-home mothers are one step away from saints. I don’t believe either of these things. I think women who work have days where they are relieved to go to work rather than spending the day with a teething or sick or crabby child; I know that women who stay home full time are occasionally (dare I say often?) bored by the company of their beloved offspring. No one can live up to the ideals McCollum holds out in her essay; no one should have to. But we are clearly asked to identify with only one of these groups, and our response to the essay is clearly proscribed: if you are a working mommy, you are supposed to envy those stay-home mommies, and if you stay home you are supposed to pity the women who work. What disturbs me the most, though, is a clear sense that readers are supposed to identify with the working mother, who is knocking herself out and beating herself up in the service of her children, and not with the stay-home mothers, who have probably dropped their kids at Mothers Day Out so they can get their nails done and their hair cut. Because in the Mommy Wars it is always US against THEM, and only one side can win.
This does us all a disservice, not only as mothers but as women, and I wish we had some kind of cultural exit strategy from this conflict. And that is why I am so perpetually grateful to those of you who read and comment here. You are working mothers and stay home mothers and women without any children at all. Some of you are actually not women but men. You don’t all share my worldview or my experiences, but you are kind and sympathetic and able to disagree or offer a differing view with respect and humor. I think the Mommy Wars would be over if we all behaved this way; I think it is reprehensible of media outlets like the Daily Oklahoman to perpetuate this divisive rhetoric. I want to like Jennifer James McCollum, I want to respect her effort to articulate how hard it is to raise children and have a career and balance those things, but I am put off by the idealized picture she has in her mind of what my life as a stay home mother is like. And I think that is so unfortunate.
Posted by Susan @ 2:04 pm • Uncategorized
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February 20th, 2006 at 3:03 pm, Busy Mom Says:
“…the hardest job is not being a stay-at-home mom; the hardest job is being a parent.”
Amen. This “wars” thing is so tiresome.
February 20th, 2006 at 3:22 pm, Laura Says:
It is also very frustrating when people assume you have “Gone over to the other side.” It is just really one of those “why can’t we all just get along?” kind of things. We should be supporting ourselves and each other as parents, and as women, and not as competitors. Female solidarity is something that is sorely lacking in America. Thank you for your excellent post, BTW.
February 20th, 2006 at 3:34 pm, Arwen Says:
Definitely media hype, the whole thing is ridiculous. Thank you for being so well spoken (written) about this topic. I wouldn’t read the local paper either…actually I don’t read the local paper for the same reason: smarmy writing that seems to have been written to enrage.
I like the cocktail party idea, I will wear something like this: http://www.magnafabrics.com/photodiscpurchase/TRO024_LOnew.jpg whenever I visit your site from now on….
February 20th, 2006 at 3:55 pm, Susan Says:
I LOVE that dress! You all can picture me in this. And feel free to imagine that my cleavage looks that good, too.
February 20th, 2006 at 4:20 pm, standing still for once Says:
Bottom line: parenting is the most rewarding and the most horrifying job on the planet. That’s the beauty of ambivalence. Both things are true.
I thank God and my MechanicalMan that we can afford for me to be the at-home parent. Child has done well with the attention this has afforded him (being a boy with an autism spectrum disorder and requiring loads of all sorts of not typical parenting roles by me). I cannot imagine the same outcome with me at a paid out-of-the-house job full-time.
When Child was very small, I tried hard to use this phrase, “Daddy is at the office,” rather than, “Daddy is at work.” Because, Mommy is at work ALL the flipping time. If Child identifies work only with leaving the house and getting a paycheck, he will not be the kind of husband I one day want him to be for some nice girl.
February 20th, 2006 at 4:24 pm, CarpeDM Says:
I hate the mommy wars. I also hate the whole mommy blog things. Do you know that at least half of the blogs I read are by women who have children? If not more. I have been asked why, if I don’t ever plan on having children, why do I enjoy reading these blogs so much? Um, because they’re funny?
While there are days when I get ready for work and wish that I could stay home in bed, never do I think “Hey. Susan’s a stay at home mother. I just bet her life is so glamourous and exciting.” I know perfectly well that you probably get up way before I do and have had even less sleep.
I don’t know how parents do it. I say kudos to all of you. Working or stay at home.
February 20th, 2006 at 4:36 pm, adria Says:
First of all, I always wear my party dress and pretty shoes when I read your blog.
Great post, and I completely agree with every word you type. Aren’t we all ‘working’ mothers? And you are right - it boils down to be a good parent to your children. I know I am lucky duck to stay home with Daria, AND I sometimes wish I had a ‘job’ to go to that is away from the house.
I support all my friends and family with the choices they make on raising their kids - or choosing not to have kids. I believe it is about what works for you and your family, and we (mothers)should not be put against each other, especially by our wonderful media.
February 20th, 2006 at 5:12 pm, M&Co. Says:
See there is another reason to not read anything but the comics. I’m not very well informed, but at least I’m not irriated by something the great moral daily said.
February 20th, 2006 at 6:19 pm, llama Says:
Very well written, Susan. You should send it in to the paper as a response to McCollum’s article…
February 20th, 2006 at 7:30 pm, theyellowwallpaper Says:
I hope you sent a “cliff note” version of this post to the paper in response to the column. This was one of the best responses I’ve ever heard to the “mother wars.” The reality is, parenting is tough and something we all struggle with and that is the real issue.
Well said.
February 20th, 2006 at 7:44 pm, Nancy Says:
Very well said. I agree with some of the other commenters, this would be an excellent piece of writing to send in response to McCollum’s piece.
February 20th, 2006 at 7:45 pm, Kristen Says:
I’m with llama - send this in to the paper. Those crazy Okies won’t know what to do with themselves.
February 20th, 2006 at 8:07 pm, Candace Says:
I was going to say that you should send in a condensed version of this post to the paper (and they could add water! Get it?), but it’s already been said.
I still think you should do it, though. That was beautifully written.
February 20th, 2006 at 8:26 pm, L. Says:
I`m always amazed at the one thing missing from almost all dispatches from the “Mommy Wars:” where do Daddies fit in? Why are they soooo off the hook?
(And sorry I had no suggestions about your hair. If you saw my stringy coif, you`d understand….)
February 20th, 2006 at 8:36 pm, Susan Says:
L, I think the whole point of the Mommy Wars is that they are not about being a PARENT or raising a child but assuaging our post-feminist guilt by showing how one woman’s choice is the RIGHT one (and thus that another woman’s is WRONG). I can only win the war if you lose. And that is what I hate about the whole thing, and what really irked me about this essay: the whole idea that I don’t have to work as hard as this woman does to care for my children, to love them, because I stay home with them. I don’t see how that helps ANY of us be better people or better parents.
February 20th, 2006 at 8:44 pm, MamaChristy Says:
Well, it’s been said but I feel called to say it again: This is a great post. Thanks for being so articulate.
I think that as long as we are happy with our family situation, we are all winners. The only losers in the “Mommy Wars” are the people who actually think there are “Mommy Wars.” We aren’t a part of it if we chose not to fight. It’s the beautiful part about theoretical wars.
February 20th, 2006 at 9:37 pm, Franny Says:
I have to agree with everyone, what an excellent piece you have written, you should definitely send this in to the paper. I think something that I personally struggle with as a mother who has just returned to work, is making the time I do have now with my children count. Let’s hope we can recognize our common bond in loving our children, and doing our best in raising them.
February 20th, 2006 at 9:53 pm, Callie Says:
The thing is, there are ups and downs on both ends. I think it is like buying a house. You walk through and say, “Well this one has a nice living room but the bathroom is too small.” Or “I like the kitchen, but the master bedroom is ugly.” Except instead we say, “Well, if I work I will be happier, but it will harder to deal with things like the kids getting sick.” Or “We could really use the extra money, but I would be devastated to not be around the kids.” Or in my case, “I am not nuts about the daycare, but if I stay home one more day I will lose my freaking mind!” Neither one is a “good” choice or a “bad” choice. It is more an issue of weighing all of the pros and cons and deciding which option will maximize your own personal sanity! It’s all about survival!
February 20th, 2006 at 9:58 pm, Gretchen Says:
Susie, bravo to you. I’ve just gone from die-hard working mom (21 years of that) to WAHM following the birth of my fourth child and a bout with postpartum depression (which clobbered me because it masqueraded as postpartum elation and I didn’t know anything was wrong until I abruptly quit my job and went a little bit insane for a while). I’ve always thought this way — whom are we fighting? Who said it was a competition? What exactly are we trying to win?
Oh and where do I send the Twinkies? (Read your comment on Nothing But Bonfires, which led me to you.)
February 20th, 2006 at 10:01 pm, sherry Says:
That was fantastic. Nothing like pointless competition to divide women as much as possible. Thank you for writing this, it needs to be said again and again until all of the ridiculous wars stop.
February 20th, 2006 at 10:13 pm, jw Says:
Susan, you wrote that post so well. Likewise all of your commenters, too. It is about parenting, no matter what situation you have, stay-at-home or not. L. is right, us daddies have to be very important too. I often felt guilty leaving my wife home alone with the kids. But I was lucky to have a flexible job, so that when kids or mom were sick or mom had an appointment I was usually able to stay home for the day(s).
All you moms, no matter which group you do or do not belong to, I support you all.
February 20th, 2006 at 10:40 pm, Jenorama Says:
This reminds me of one of my pet peeves/rants, which maybe I should dust off and respond to this with on my blog: The concept that stay-at-home moms are not “working” mothers.
I found this to be very interesting, because actually, what I have encountered is working women who pity the stay-at-home mothers, and rather than idealizing them, cast them into the category of too stupid and too boring to talk to. At least, that was my perception of how I was treated by most “working” people when I was a stay-at-home mother.
See, you’ve got my juices flowing!
Now, print that blog entry up, and send it in to the newspaper. Now. Go.
February 21st, 2006 at 12:02 am, Liz Says:
You know, it seems that no matter what choice you make, someone has something against it. I don’t have kids yet - I hear “Why not? You are so selfish.” I work from home “Your job is so easy.” When I worked at an office “You should not have to work outside of your home.” For the love! Stay out of my life!
I’m done now.
February 21st, 2006 at 7:21 am, Mary P. Says:
McCollum seems to be imagining the stay-home mom as some combination of Mary Poppins, Sister Theresa, and Princess Diana.
That’s stay-home moms? No, that’s how people view ME. Oh, wait. I am a stay-home mom. AND a daycare provider. So I’m all those, plus the Madonna. (With three virgin births, evidently.)
There are things about the “other side” that each group envies; there are things each group dismisses - but that’s true of Every Single Venture in life.
When we idealize one choice, we turn the people who do it into symbols, not flesh-and-blood humans. It’s intended to be complementary, I’m sure: it feels patronizing.
How about we all agree that we’re all working our hardest to do our best by our children and ourselves, and not worry about HOW we manage that?
February 21st, 2006 at 8:15 am, kyra Says:
right on! i’m having fun over here where the comments section is civilized!!!
i agree with busy mom and most likely all the others who’ve posted here but i am so busy this morning i only have time to read the comment closest to this box!!! the ‘wars’ thing is tiresome and never helps. never. there is another mothers of kids on the spectrum war brewing that feels even more tiresome, more of a trap. yuck. i’m not getting any of it on me. i hope.
someone sent me a card when i was pregnant with fluffy that said, ‘welcome to parenthood.it’s the hardest job you’lll ever love.’ and that says it all to me, regardless of where you spend your day.
February 21st, 2006 at 8:18 am, Susan Says:
I think Jen and Mary are really on to something here: this belief that stay-home mommies are better people (more virtuous, because they have CHOSEN to put their children first, forsaking all other distractions) but less interesting (because they spend the day thinking about poop and Barney). On the other hand, working mommies are interesting, because they are out in the public sphere doing things and making a difference, but they are second-rate mothers, because they are letting someone else raise their children.
McCollum is fighting this stereotype in her essay by trying to reverse it; she paints the working mom as the more virtuous (eating takeout in the car to go rock the baby, never taking any time for herself) and the stay-home mommy as frivolous (Mother’s Day Out is daycare for women who don’t really need it because they’re not WORKING after all). I give her credit for calling into question the assumptions we have about what makes women ‘good’ mothers, but I would prefer to see her attack the stereotype itself and not other women
February 21st, 2006 at 8:27 am, Felicity Says:
Oh goodness so many comments again, I hate coming in so late because I want to be heard, too!!
First, absolutely send it in as a Letter to the Editor response to the author. (Whoops, I almost called her an idiot author. But that wouldn’t be NICE.)
I wonder if even acknowledging the “mommy wars” doesn’t grant them a validity they clearly don’t deserve–look at the comments here. There’s no war. We’re all trying to do our best for our kids and right here in this comments forum, with different situations and positions, the reality is, we’re supporting each other.
Hasn’t FOX news shown us that the media is crap, anyway??
I’m with MamaChristy…
Also, please imagine me in a Norma Kamali Jersey Poly dress in red.
February 21st, 2006 at 10:30 am, Kara Says:
good god, susan, you are so. damn. smart. and you have a way with words nad ideas that i truly envy.
okay, i want to correct some inaccuracies in that article (which offended me to my core, but i digress). i work one full time job and two part time jobs (one sans pay- yay for me!) and i parent, and sometimes i even see my spouse. but i never, ever, ever, make rice-a-roni, wear ugly shoes, or pack tofu in the kid’s lunch.
i am screwing my kid up in myriad untold ways. i would still screw her up if i stayed home because i am an imperfect being raising another imperfect being in an imperfect family. an imperfect family full of love and forgiveness, but imperfect nonetheless.
and last time i checked, so was everyone else.
February 21st, 2006 at 10:39 am, Kara Says:
and from now on, i will wear this:http://www.vintagelucy.com/
img/92605RedBrocadTwist
SholdrDr.jpg
February 21st, 2006 at 10:53 am, Susan Says:
You all are really raising the bar with the cocktail wear . . .
Felicity, I think you are dead on about how talking about the Mommy Wars lends them credence. I am revising and revising (in between manicures and haircuts of course) and am still struggling to get this down to a manageable length–but that may do it. Good work!
February 21st, 2006 at 11:11 am, Rachelle Says:
Thank you so much for this post! I am a working mom and I do not think I have it any better or tougher than SAHM. It’s hard either way. I was able to sah with my son for 4 months before returning to work and you know what? I did get bored. I still get bored on long breaks. It’s hard either way. It’s time to end the mommy wars for good.
February 21st, 2006 at 12:05 pm, Misfit Hausfrau Says:
Rock on Susan and write another post about how you submitted this post to the paper.
I couldn’t find an appropriate link for my stunning cocktail wear ensemble. Just imagine a pair of jeans with a hole in the butt and a sweater with smashed peas on the boob and snot down the sleeve. Oh yeah–the sweater is black. And socks. I’m wearing socks.
February 21st, 2006 at 4:06 pm, Jenorama Says:
One of the things I have been thinking about on this topic since I last commented is the fact that now that my children are all school age? The war seems to have dissipated. Nobody seems to really care what you do after the children reach school age. It’s those years before the children go to school, which in my view have been the most difficult parenting years, the most physically backbreaking, and the most isolating and challenging, it’s how we spend those years that seems at odds in society.
But nobody cares how I spend my days now.
And let me tell you, people have no more idea what to say to me now that I am self-employed than they did when I stayed at home with my kids. There is still a perception afoot that I don’t work… Is it me? Is it something I am doing or not doing?
p.s. I wouldn’t chop down your blog entry to letter length. Send it in and see if they will run it as an article. Newspapers use freelancers all the time (I used to do that too).
February 21st, 2006 at 6:28 pm, Titanium Says:
You mean, I’m supposed to go to work in old worn out shoes with a ketchup packed stuck to the side of my head & roll out of a dirty car.. because I have to work outside my home? Good grief. I, too, don’t like those stereotypes. So boring & outdated.
I’ve been a SAHM, a working from home mom (child care provider), and am now a divorced single working mom. I do love going to work some days.. especially Mondays after a trying weekend. But I really liked being home with my kids too.
If I had a choice, I’d be a SAHM, but that’s not an option for me at this point.
I work because I must provide for my children. I don’t envy other moms. It is what it is. We each have our own lives & live them how we see fit.
I read that article (I’m in the OKC area, too) & seethed at the stereotype that working moms always look like crap, have filthy cars & are jealous of SAHMs. So silly.
I’ll be looking for your response to her article in the paper. Your post is awesome!
February 21st, 2006 at 7:23 pm, The June Cleaver Diaries Says:
ARGH! I came in so late for this one! I actually read it waaay back when you had ZERO comments, but I had a sigle, golden moment to shower, so I took it.
In my circle of friends, there are no Mommy Wars. We’re stay-at-home, work from home, work part time, work full time, the whole mix. And we have all wondered, “exactly WHO are these Mommies at War?” Because we have yet to meet them. Each of us has been, at one point or another, a stay at home or a working mom. I stay at home, but when we needed cash to pay off some bills, you can bet your ass that I took per diem work. And then I stayed at home again. So does that mean I’m both the enemy AND the saint?
I think we all move back and forth between the borders as needed. We do what works for us.
Since I’ve done both, I guess I’m not on either team. I play the field.
Kind of like in college.
‘Doh!!!
February 21st, 2006 at 7:25 pm, The June Cleaver Diaries Says:
P.S.
Red Prada sheath and Manolos for me, thank you.
After all, that’s the outfit I wear when I drive to preschool. It’s just so darned comfortable.
February 21st, 2006 at 10:06 pm, Susie Says:
I like what Standing Still said about saying Daddy is at the office. That is now in my vocabulary. Thank you!
jen-o-rama reminded me of an acquaintence who recently asked me “Don’t you ever think of working outside the home?” As if I was to be pitied. And it made me feel bad which then pissed me off. Like why should I be content! Shouldn’t I want the other situation no matter what situation I’m in?
Yet that SAME person constantly tells me how she idolizes me and my committment to staying home and raising my child. How she “could never do it”?
She also has issues but whatever. Well written and thanks for always making my Elmo brain (apparently!) think beyond the box for a moment.
For cocktails…is this too much? Cause you know I’m all about subtle. Just need to find some shoes…
February 21st, 2006 at 10:18 pm, Chicago Mama Spot Says:
What a great post - definitely submit it to the paper. Writing like this is exactly what made me want to be part of the blogging community.
There is so much of this motherhood tension. I think some of it is unintentional, just words that feel loaded. Stay at home, working, work from home - we’re all moms and we all work to do the best we can for our kids. Every option has pros and cons and regrets and challenges.
My mom’s group has both working and stay-at-home moms - the working moms play hooky sometimes and always join us for cocktails when we go out. None of us knew each other before we had babies and we met through our hospital when we all had just one. There are no mommy wars with us - we all see both sides. I will say that the moms who work say lunchtime manicures are one of the pluses. I love this group.
However, many of my close friends (who should be more supportive, right?)definitely engage in mommy warfare. Actually, my single friends have no problem stepping in either to let me know how easy I must have it. Maybe since we know each other better, it’s easier to project our insecurities about our choices on our close friends.
Great conversation, ladies.
February 22nd, 2006 at 12:17 pm, Jack's Raging Mommy Says:
I don’t think she actually has children at all.
I am almost an exact cross between a working mom and a stay at home mom considering how part time I work, an there is NO difference in regards to the things she mentions. The days that I stay home I rarely change out of my pajamas and the days I work are the few times I wear shoes at all.
She’s not just out of touch with what being a stay at home mom would be like she’s out of touch with what being a working mom is like.
Personally, I think if she’s wearing ugly shoes it’s because she chose to. After all, she has a job, it’s not like she can’t afford other shoes. /Rant.
February 23rd, 2006 at 2:35 pm, Jenette Says:
See what being lazy does for me? I don’t read blogs for three days, don’t pay attention to the news for three days, and post ONE little thing on my blog about these whole Mommy Wars stuff (GMA, baby) and shoot, you’ve beaten me to it. But I like how you articulated your thoughts, better job than I would have done.
Bravo.
February 23rd, 2006 at 11:43 pm, MommyWithAttitude Says:
Great analysis!
February 26th, 2006 at 8:15 am, Mir Says:
Gah, see what happens when I don’t catch up on blog reading until the weekend? I’m late to a fabulous post like this.
You said it all, and then your commenters righteously applauded you, so there’s not much I can add. Except, perhaps, that I didn’t fully understand this paradigm until I divorced and then no matter what I did (stayed at home, worked in an office, worked at home) EVERYONE thought I was wrong. There is no “winning” in a situation that shouldn’t be a contest in the first place.
Loved this post. And y’all can picture me in my little black Jones New York number that I got at Goodwill for $12.
March 4th, 2006 at 4:17 pm, dara Says:
I agree with Susan (great article) and with just about everyone else who wrote in. But I have one other thing to add. I REALLY REALLY love being a mom! I am a stay-at-home mom, and I certainly am working hard, just like all of you whether you work outside the home or not, but for all the frustration, I am absolutely happier and more content than I have ever been in my life. I feel more myself now than I ever did. I know that I am lucky to have the choice to stay at home, is that the only reason I’m content? Am I the only one out there? I don’t want to sound like Pollyanna, or make light of the struggles we all go through, but sometimes I read this stuff and feel guilty for not feeling more guilty and conflicted!
March 4th, 2006 at 7:14 pm, Gretchen Says:
All I can say is that it wasn’t until I left my 25-year career to stay home with my (midlife!) kids that I realized I’d been confusing being a career woman with trying to be a MAN for all those years. I am only now learning how to be a mommy, because I spent 25 years trying to be the daddy. Exactly who are we fighting? Why? Don’t we all just want safe, happy kids? If there IS a war, then all moms should be on the same side.
March 10th, 2006 at 11:03 am, kittenpie Says:
I’m late to the party here, but I agree with you that there is a real “us” and “them” divide being created that helps no one. The thing is, I think that it all emanates from the same place - we all feel like we are trying our best to do the right thing for us and our children, and whichever way we go, we know for sure there are people who disapprove. And that makes us defensive, and then it gets bitter and argumentative. And it turns into war. Let’s build more sites like parenthacks, where we share the things that make our lives easier, whether we are at home all day or part of it. And try to understand that just because someone else has a different approach or different needs and has made different choices, it does not necessarily comprise a scathing indictment of your own! If and when I write about this, I will certainly be linking to this great post. Thanks, lady.
March 18th, 2006 at 2:36 am, Anonymous Says:
Hello. Jennifer sounding off here. Who knew I had the power to elicit so much passion and criticism? I should have listened more closely to that English professor who told me the world needed to hear the things I had to say, the way I say them. To think I thought I might be opening myself up to flack from men. Wow. I just never saw that one coming.
I wrote this article as a testimony to my life. As someone wrote into the Oklahoman said - most people got that the article was suppose to be funny. Nevertheless, I am aware there is a fine line between comedy and tragedy, and this dialogue is so very interesting and enlightening, even if I had no idea that admitting that I wipe down the side of the tub with a clorox wipe while I pee is setting an ideal so high that noone would want to meet it.
There is just so much wrong here, ladies. My article created a platform for those genuinely involved in the mommy wars to springboard their ideas and arguments. Oh, the beauty of free speech. But, I’m not in this war and I don’t want to be a part of something that pits women against each other. (Men laugh behind our backs about this, you know.)
When I said working moms know stay-at-home moms have the harder job, I was merely thinking about my dear friend, Deb, a doctor’s wife, who manages three children under 7, from sun up to sun down, all day, every day. The tradeoffs - tennis coaches and Louis Vuitton purses — aren’t worth it. I included that line for her — so she would know that someone in the world acknowledged how incredibly hard her life is, despite all the shopping sprees and trips to Paris. I love my friend, and I was reaching out to her and anyone else like her, who gets very little credit, if any, for having a tough job. I was also reaching out to May, the woman whose sun tangled a sucker in her hair on the way to work. She came to the office one morning crying and told me that her anger melted when her toddler looked up at her and said, “You know what mommy, I shooooore do love you.” I was reaching out to so many women, honoring them, which is why this diatribe initially amazed me.
Finally, after a painful divorce, I spent five years as a single mom *That* is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I should have written the article about that — about what it’s like to be sick and have a sick baby and no one to run to the 24-hour drug store at 3 a.m., so you must take both of you out, in the snow, in the ice, to get the medicine. You wonder, as a single mom, if you can call a taxi and ask them to just bring a gallon of milk and a bottle of children’s tylenol. (They won’t. They can’t.) You cry all the way home because you are cold and you are lonely. You linger over a pair of $8 pajamas for your little girl, wondering if you should buy them; wishing you could buy them. You tell yourself, she can wear your T-shirt another year.