November 16, 2005
is it possible to mail-order some peace and quiet?
I love Charlie, I really do. From the very first moment of his little life, he has been my easy baby. He slept through the night at two months; he has always slept in his own bed; he has always taken a good nap. But recently–not so much.
We are people of routine (which is good, as the first thing parents are told about ADHD kids is ‘Routine is so important!’ I heard that when Henry was diagnosed and I thought, well crap, I don’t know how much more routine we can work into our routine, but we’ll try!). Wade and I both function better when the day follows a predictable pattern, and we realized very early on that we would be better parents if we had a good routine for the boys. We are also people who need both sleep and personal time–two things that go out the window when the baby comes home. But we have worked hard over the past five years to establish useful routines for eating and bathing and sleeping, and until now, it has all worked well.
For the last while, our evenings have gone like this: we eat, usually all together. I clean up the kitchen while Wade has some Daddy Time with the boys. He plays with them, supervises their bath, and then reads to them for a while. We take turns snuggling with each child (the boys have separate rooms, for so many reasons). And then! SLEEP! And adult conversation! And the occasional nookie. Or television, whatever seems sexier. Recently, though, Charlie has decided that this whole bedtime thing just isn’t working for him and that he should spend the 45 minutes after we tuck him in repeatedly getting out of bed and wandering around the house because clearly he is not ready to sleep–which is annoying, to say the least, as he has been seriously disrupting my trash TV watching (really, you are compelled to turn anything on MTV off when your three-year-old comes in the room, don’t you think?)
There are a number of issues here. First is the Daddy Time. Despite my suggestions/warnings/demands that this be a QUIET playtime (as it comes both right before bed and at the end of Henry’s long napless day, when he is the most on edge), Wade likes to play Dragon Hunter and Hide and Seek and Hallway Bowling with the boys. And yes, I do appreciate his enthusiasm and energy, but by 6:30 on any given weeknight, I’ve had it with the running and yelling and crashing into things. And the crying–don’t even get me started on the crying.
Then there is the bath. After a rousing game of Jump Out and Yell BOO, Wade expects the boys to settle peacefully into the tub and NOT splash or throw toys or do anything. Which, as I try so very hard NOT to point out to him (every single night) is too much to expect from NORMAL kids, never mind OUR kids. And so the bath is wild and stressful and Henry nearly always hits his head on the spigot and Charlie cries about something and Wade ends up yelling and I need a drink.
Then there is the reading. Henry has been wanting to read the Harry Potter books, which we love, but they are a bit over Charlie’s head (too much plot, too many characters, too many big words, too few pictures of dinosaurus). So he spends Story Time jumping off Henry’s bed, which makes everyone mad.
We have, as you might imagine, made a few adjustments to the routine. I’m making no headway whatsoever with the Wild Daddy Games part of the evening, but I have been able to convince Wade that giving the boys their baths SEPARATELY is much less stressful. In fact, some nights I can even convince one of them to have a shower, which is the least stressful thing of all. We also realized, just a few days ago, that Charlie really needs his own Story Time, with books he likes and the full attention of one parent. And, despite the fact that most of this was indeed my idea, I feel compelled to say–it’s working like a charm (see? My son won’t go to bed, but I’m not a bad mother! I’m trying!).
Except for Charlie and the wandering around. He is less likely to wander if he has had a nice long snuggle before he is tucked in, but the real problem seems to be that he just isn’t tired, at least not at the same moment Henry is. By 7:30, Henry is done in, especially when he has been at school all day. And the medication seems to be wearing him out at the end of the day, too. Tonight he could barely keep his eyes open while we were reading. I tuck him in and typically I don’t hear from him until nearly 7:00 am.
Charlie, on the other hand, had a nap today, of maybe an hour, which was apparently enough to stoke him for some all-night preschool partying. At 8:00, when Henry was snoozing away, Charlie was jumping on his bed. Literally. In the dark, just jumping and bumping into the wall and laughing! My god how cute it would have been if I hadn’t wanted to sell him on eBay at that very moment. Because, you see, he’s supposed to be SLEEPING!
Of course, the jumping on the bed was better than the no less than eight times that he came pattering out of his room announcing, ‘Mommy, I need something.’ He doesn’t need anything, he just likes to say that (yes, I’m sure of that–when I say, as I typically do, ‘What do you need, Charlie?’ he always answers, ‘Ummm . . . something?’ Then he will pick up the nearest random object–tonight it was a blue marker–and say, ‘I need THIS!’ See what I mean? He doesn’t need anything). It drives me batty–doesn’t he know that this is my quiet time? My time with Daddy and the Sex and the City reruns on TBS? Go to bed, boy!
But now I’m thinking that the problem may be the nap. And that we may have to–gulp–give up the nap. Which may kill me.
The hour during the afternoon when the boys are ‘resting’ is the only thing standing between me and a padded room in Norman. It is often the only time during the day when someone is not talking to me. It is–quite literally–the only unstructured time I have during the work day. I cannot imagine how I will give it up without going insane. On the other hand, this bedtime thing leaves me completely stressed out at, well, bedtime, which is not good for a chronic insomniac like me. So I’m trying to see it as a trade-off.
The problem is that I need something, but I don’t know what. I wonder where Charlie gets that?
Posted by Susan @ 9:05 pm • Uncategorized
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November 16th, 2005 at 9:29 pm, M&Co. Says:
Oh and my recollection is that the giving up the afternoon nap is pretty stressful as well. Just saying to make you feel better.
November 16th, 2005 at 10:36 pm, adria Says:
Thanks for the great visual images!
Daria may not take a nap everyday, but she does have an hour or so of quiet time. Sometimes she falls asleep, but usually she just plays in her bed with her stuffed animals.
We are routine parents too. I love a good routine and so does Daria.
November 16th, 2005 at 11:01 pm, MJ Says:
I dreaded the “giving up of the nap.” And, my children gave up the nap the week their father was away in another country (okay, your country) with his new Blackberry. The one where he couldn’t tell if it was an email or a phone call so he never bothered answering. That week. I thought I might lose my mind. Maybe I did. But I survived. And the beautiful thing is that they go to bed early.
I love routines. Most of my friends can set their watches by our routine. So, I was so-not eager to give up the nap. But it has been okay. I think. It has ben 18 months and honestly I can’t really remember when they did nap.
Is any of this helpful? I think not. Okay, because I’ve had a little wine with dinner I’ll dispense my parenting advice: “the days are long, but the years are short.” It’s true and when I think of jumping out the window I remind myself of this.
November 17th, 2005 at 6:02 am, Felicity Says:
we have absolutely NO routine at my house. Bedtime is whenever everyone is sleepy, school is a negotiable, going to the office is negotiable, cleaning…you get it.
But here is my suggestion: give Charlie a big ol’ healthy dose of cough medicine at about 630. By 7 he’ll be sleeping beautifully.
Clearly I’ve outdone you in the bad mother department.
November 17th, 2005 at 6:48 am, Susan Says:
Oh, Felicity, don’t think I haven’t tried that. Although I find that Benadryl works best for Charlie. In emergencies only, of course. Like if it’s Tuesday and I haven’t actually seen this Sex and the City episode.
November 17th, 2005 at 7:47 am, Mary P. Says:
Charlie is three, right? Yeah, he probably has outgrown his nap, but if you’re after an hour, you could try a “quiet time”. As in, “You may play with these toys IN YOUR ROOM, but if you come out mommy will have to kill you”.
I do it with the 3-year-olds all the time. Some of the bouncier tykes have to stay ON THE BED, because they get too rowdy if they can romp in an entire room. They get a carefully chosen selection of toys. Which may not be traded during quiet time for others. Which may not even be retrieved if they fall on the floor.
Because I am a hardass. Because if I don’t get that hour of quiet and solitude, I will not love them when they are awake.
Oh, I feel your pain!!
November 17th, 2005 at 8:03 am, Kathy C Says:
Excellant points by all. What worked for me was quite time or mommy time, like mary p suggested. In fact my girls, to this day, will migrate to their rooms when they feel mom’s bad mood coming on. We even joke about it. (afterwards of course)
I used to actually work while the naps were happening. Imagine my distress when the stopped! That meant working at night, after meal, dishes, bath etc etc. No wonder I gave work up!!
Oh and Felicity - the first time my daughter had a reactin to cats and I gave her Benadryl I was amazed and secretly wished I had discovered it when she was a toddler instead of at age 8!!
November 17th, 2005 at 8:09 am, Candace Says:
I did what Mary does and it worked great.
Christopher stopped napping the month before Sophie was born (SO not my choice) and Sophie stopped napping at 18 months (again, SO NOT MY CHOICE!).
But bedtime…bedtime is easy around here because, yes, the children are worn out and tired and ready to sleep. I love bedtime so very much.
And about the routine? Yeah, Christopher was born into the WRONG family.
(Word verification: wqnkr. If you look at that and don’t see “wanker”, I can’t be your friend any more.)
November 17th, 2005 at 8:13 am, Chag Says:
You need to tell your husband to give up the “Wild Daddy Games.” Kids need naps! You need your alone time!
Maybe you could, um, withhold something from your husband and he’ll come around to your way of thinking.
Here’s hoping my kids nap until they’re at least 13 (and one day, actually nap at the same time).
November 17th, 2005 at 8:40 am, Susan Says:
Chag, I like you more with each passing day.
Henry still has Mandatory Quiet Time every day (or every day that he’s not at school). Recently it has turned into the hour where he is permitted to talk to himself at will (the rest of the day we are working on actual CONVERSATION, rather than monologue).
Today’s plan is this: Charlie will have his quiet time from 1:00-2:00, when H does, but at 2:00 EVERYONE will get up. Even if I have to wake Charlie. Which is always fun. And then we will run around in circles in the yard until they are both ready to drop.
Although, of course, today he goes to school, so he’s not my problem until 2:30. Hooray!
November 17th, 2005 at 9:37 am, Felicity Says:
I’m probably just ASKING for a beating here when I say that my dear little Fin (age 6!!) still naps when he is home all day on the weekends.
And the DD I wanted to decapitate the other day? She sleeps past noon on the weekends.
The Daddy games at ym house are wild, too…Last night Moodman actually walked into the bedroom DURING STORIES and started shooting the toy bazooka.
November 17th, 2005 at 9:52 am, Kara Says:
Oh goodness- My little one took 15 minute cat naps when she was an infant (barely long enough for a shower). Not even the wizards at her daycare could get her to a normal sleep schedule and those women were GOOD. By the time she was 2, I had her taking one nap mid-day. That lasted for about 6 months, then it was no more nap. And she didn’t sleep through the night until she was almost 4. Now ask me why I only have one child.
But the real reason I responded is that we listen to the Harry Potter books on CD in the car. They are amazing! Maybe now that Henry is in school, you could ask him to help read to Charlie with the understanding that he can listen to his fav. books on CD in the car. Maggie also has a CD player and headphones in the car because one can only listen the Cheetah girls so many times before one wants to jerk the wheel into a telephone pole. Well, that’s what works for us, anyway.
November 17th, 2005 at 11:22 am, chris Says:
good lord, i remember the days! we negotiated for quiet time after the End of the Nap, but things were never the same! three cheers for Routine from this corner!
November 17th, 2005 at 11:43 am, theyellowwallpaper Says:
I feel your pain and will pile onto the advice about quiet time. My daughter is nearing three and her bedtime seemed to be creeping past 9:00 at night. Yet, I just couldn’t bring myself to give up her nap, a.k.a uninterrupted mommy time.
So, a couple of weeks ago I too implemented a Quiet Time. So far it’s gone okay. Admittedly my daughter does tend to fall asleep. But, more and more she just stays in her room, plays with her animals or reads. When she tries to leave early, I just pick her up and put her back in the room. She used to cry, but now she knows it’s not the end of the world. It probably helps that the computer is located near her room so I know when she tries to leave.
Good luck!
November 17th, 2005 at 1:15 pm, Candace Says:
Oh, I forgot to chime in about the Daddy Games.
Ours seemed even worse because Daddy is only home for three bedtimes out of seven during the week, so they’d not only get completely crazy with him, they’d get pissed off at ME for not doing the same thing.
I finally told him that if he continued to work them up at bedtime when he was home, he just wasn’t going to get to participate in bedtime. I know it sounds harsh, but this was after months and months of begging and glaring and stalking off in a huff.
I think Dads just *like* to get kids crazy. And that’s fine. Just not at bedtime. So now we have crazy time after breakfast on the weekends and after Christopher gets off the bus on weekdays.
November 17th, 2005 at 1:23 pm, ieatcrayonz Says:
The nap must go. And you need a vacation…alone.
How about more babysitter from the MIL?
November 17th, 2005 at 1:51 pm, Anonymous Says:
I heard about this technique where you give the child a bedtime “pass” that they get to use ONCE per night for whatever they want, a hug, a drink of water, blue marker. The parents decorated an old credit card. I also heard of the stall technique where you put them to bed and then say, “oh, I have to check the blank.” then come back in a few minutes and keep doing that, staying away for longer and longer and eventually they get bored and fall asleep.
November 17th, 2005 at 3:36 pm, Kristen Says:
I agree that Daddy time should be calm, because that’s definitely not helping. I also wanted to tell you that my 2 1/2 year old does that EXACT thing with the “Um…something??” Cracks me up…when I’m not ready to kill him, anyway.
November 17th, 2005 at 7:03 pm, Susie Says:
What is this talk of no more naps? You mean eventually they stop taking them? I need another cocktail to mull this over. I like the quiet time and “hall pass” ideas. Please remind me of them some day. All these no nap stories scare me as I’m just getting Liam from two naps to one. And I feel exhausted.
November 19th, 2005 at 4:16 pm, Andie D. Says:
Oh man. I’ve been there recently. We tried skipping naps a few times and ended up moving Ben’s bedtime to one hour earlier. With no fuss.
For me, the trade off was worth it. I miss naptime like a mother (pun intended), but LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE that Ben stays in bed once tucked in for the night, and one HOUR earlier to boot. Plus, my “me/we” time comes after everyone is in bed. If bedtime is less stressful, we’re able to recharge better.