August 8, 2007
in retrospect, I should have seen it coming
I just stepped outside to get the mail, and was nearly bowled over by the heat. It is honestly about 197 degrees here, no exaggeration. I was too lazy to find my flip flops (I haven’t showered or really gotten dressed today, so why on earth would I bother with SHOES just to go get the mail?) and by the time I got to the mailbox, which is at the bottom of the COMPLETELY UNSHADED driveway, my feet were scorching. So I hopped on over into the grass and THEN remembered that our lawn is coated in a toxic level of chemicals in an effort to kill the fungus and the crab grass and encourage the Good Grass to grow again, please!
Next time, I will find my shoes.
School starts next Wednesday, for BOTH children, and while I am counting down to that first carpool drop off, I am also wrestling with end-of-summer guilt. Not guilt about looking forward to school, no no, guilt about how we have had the ENTIRE SUMMER to do Cool Things and we have done nothing.
I feel this way at the end of every summer; by August, it’s hot and I’m scrambling to find indoor things for us to do every day and the kids are worn out from our scheduleless summer and I’m tired of taking them to the grocery with me and they are tired of playing with each other. And every year, I forget that I will feel this way until suddenly, like the wave of heat when I open the front door, it hits me in the face.
I feel today like I have spent most of this summer completely stressed out. I haven’t slept well in months because I wake up at night worrying about one thing or another (school, bills, work). There hasn’t been ONE thing this summer that has weighed me down; instead, it’s been a revolving door of small things that have distracted me until I can’t see straight and I yell more than I want to. I know that the kids have had a good summer, that they have been able to do at least one really fun thing every day, that they have laughed a lot and played a lot and been cranky and bored very little, but I feel like I have missed most of the fun.
This morning when I woke up my ear was popping a little bit, a small, regular clicking noise that didn’t seem related to anything else. And then it was hurting a little, and so was my neck. And I’ve had this lingering sore throat all summer, just a kind of tight feeling, not really anything bad but kind of constantly there in the background. And I started Googling these things to see if I had cancer or Lupus or something worse and of course what I found was that they are all signs of stress.
I don’t think I realize, sometimes, just how stressed I am until I can look back and say WOW that was really stressful that thing. Sometimes I don’t do a very good job of taking care of myself, because it takes so much of my energy to take care of everyone else. This summer I have been juggling the kids and their meals and snacks and outings and laundry and the house and all of the things that come with a new house, and I think I have done a pretty bad job of remembering to take care of me.
Going to Chicago was a terrific thing because it was a whole weekend about me, but ironically that weekend away has made me more aware of how stressed I am. And of course the looming start of school is ALWAYS stressful for me because I worry how the boys will do. What if Henry won’t wear his tie on a Mass day? What if Charlie is bored in preschool? What if we have made ANOTHER mistake about schools for the boys?
Wade is always reminding me that everything will be fine, that I shouldn’t worry about the boys until there is reason to worry about the boys, that if my work is stressing me out then I can quit. And I know that he’s right, and I think I’m NOT worrying and then I look back and realize that I haven’t slept in months and my head hurts and I realize that I have been worrying all along.
It is always hot here in August, and I am always surprised by it. And our grass has died before and we have always been able to revive it, to nurse it back to health. I just wish that I could see the heat and the crabgrass coming, before it’s too late and my feet are burned and covered in chemicals.
Next time, I will remember to put my shoes on before I step out the door.
Posted by Susan @ 3:51 pm • fretful and worrisome
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August 8th, 2007 at 3:59 pm, Penny Says:
I have that achy head/neck/ear thing too. Probably for similar reasons.
It’s just as hot here in NJ. I sympathise.
August 8th, 2007 at 4:09 pm, Jamie Says:
I too had the achy head and neck thing. I took the kids to the grocery store and as soon as my oldest starting whining my neck started to tingle. On a good note school started here last Friday and the neck has been feeling much better.
August 8th, 2007 at 4:14 pm, Country Mouse Says:
You might want to ask your dentist about the ear clicky-achy head thing. Your dentist, you ask? But this is my ear! Yes, but it can be connected to a jaw problem, particularly if you clench your jaw when stressed. A very attentive dentist realized I had this problem and fitted me for a nightguard, and the headaches, earaches, and clicky noises went away. Which in turn made all the stressy stress less stressful, since I didn’t have to fight my body’s reaction to the stress as well as the stressors.
How many times can I use a derivative of the same word in a single sentence? We may have a new record.
I hope this isn’t just so much assvice, but it is something I wish I had known about years before I did. For the rest of your post… yeah, I hear you.
August 8th, 2007 at 4:15 pm, Melissa Says:
So how much do you WANT to yell, exactly?
Will it help if I glibly tell you everything will turn out just fine, without knowing how or when or why? Hmm, probably not.
August 8th, 2007 at 4:23 pm, Susan Says:
Country Mouse, do you know what I did FIRST THING this morning?
Called the dentist. Yes! And rescheduled my cleaning for next week so that she can ALSO talk to me about the ear/neck/throat thing.
Now I feel all smart because I did that! Thank you!
August 8th, 2007 at 4:40 pm, daysgoby Says:
Bookmark this, for next June….
Listen to my Nana now:
This too shall pass.
I pat your hand in commiseration from across the miles.
August 8th, 2007 at 4:49 pm, Mir Says:
This sounds eerily familiar… thanks for saying it so well.
August 8th, 2007 at 5:43 pm, Jonathon Morgan Says:
You ain’t lyin. Holy CRAP it’s hot. And I get that ear thing too. While I’m sorry for your pain, I’m also delighted to know I’m not the only one.
August 8th, 2007 at 6:35 pm, Mark Says:
Go to your local Starbucks, and have Andy make up a Mocha Frap, or a Vanilla Latte on Ice, and breath, it will all work out.
August 8th, 2007 at 7:13 pm, Wendy Says:
I have the same thing, but I fear the kids slipped something into my drink when I wasnt looking. It would be my kids that do that. Maybe, so I would be tired to yell and tell them to pick up for the millionth time today.
School doesnt start here until the 27th and add cathecism and dance classes ontop of that. It all snuck up on me and now I am scrambling to get everything done, plus get ready for one last vacation.
August 8th, 2007 at 7:26 pm, Elizabeth Says:
Wow. I was going to respond that I have the neck/head thing (sans ear, so far) too, but now I won’t, since so many already did.
You and your boys have done lots of cool stuff, I bet. Starting with making a beautiful new home together. I go through this guilt every summer too. I make a list sometimes of all the stuff we did and it makes me feel better.
((((Hugs)))) It’s all going to be okay.
August 8th, 2007 at 7:58 pm, Susan Says:
Thanks, you all. You’re the best.
It is actually reassuring to hear that so many of you have the Stress Related Head Pain, not that I am wishing ANY pain on ANY of you, but I feel like less of a freak now. At least in that particular area.
August 8th, 2007 at 8:37 pm, gorillabuns Says:
personally, i don’t think you’ve recovered from the past two weekends.
next week during the hours of blank and blank, when everyone is in school, you need to go home and take a nap or schedule a massage, better yet, relish in the lap of luxury of pedicures and facials.
yea, that’s the ticket. mama needs some MAJOR pampering.
the bills, school, lawn, and heat will always be there for you to worry about later.
famous last words from the worrier. yours truly.
August 8th, 2007 at 9:19 pm, Valerie Says:
I normally don’t comment on posts like these because it’s been so long since my kids were young that I feel like I don’t really have anything to say that will help.
I read blogs like yours because hearing about the things that bother you remind me that I wasn’t the only one to feel those things when my kids were younger. On the flip side of that, please believe me when I say that you’re not alone in the guilt that you feel and that in the grand scheme of things, the “cool things” you could have done this summer matter so much less than the funny conversations over breakfast, or negotiating for computer time or the number of Milano cookies. Your kids, as they grown older, will realize how quickly summer flies by and they won’t be thinking about all the stuff they could have been doing, but rather how summers used to go on forever when they were kids. And they will remember that fondly.
In the past week, my nearly 22-year old twins have each brought up something from the past that they remember vividly and I have absolutely no recollection of. Both were happy memories (thank goodness!) and nothing particularly earth-shattering. I almost felt bad for not remembering. But I thought about it and decided that it doesn’t matter if I remember it or not. It only matters that they do.
So, yes… it all will be ok. And I apologize for my long-winded comment.
August 8th, 2007 at 9:48 pm, Susan Says:
Valerie! Please don’t apologize! Unless it’s for making me tear up, which you did.
Thank you for saying that. I appreciate it so much.
August 9th, 2007 at 12:53 am, OMSH Says:
I do the opposite. When stress piles on I can easily lay down and go to sleep. It is my escape and it basically means that I can add on more stress, b/c I’ve wasted a day/afternoon/morning sleeping instead of catching up.
But yea, I need to take care of me better too. Good reminder.
And I also know that feeling of looking back over the summer and thinking “I could have done better.” I know that all too well. MOMMY GUILT.
August 9th, 2007 at 8:10 am, Debra Says:
I’ve had the ear/throat thing off and on for years. Yeah, TMJ and night guards help a lot (just got a new one in the mail yesterday.) Stress is a major ager and killer, and it’s easy to say do something about it. So I won’t.
Instead, I’ll suggest you pick up some melatonin at the drugstore. Take one before you go to bed. It will help you sleep. And sleep is one of the best cures for stress.
August 9th, 2007 at 8:14 am, Suniverse Says:
Have that feeling all summer long. It helps to realize that others have it, too, and that everyone else hasn’t spent the summer with their children learning Korean and taking up calligraphy and building a life size castle out of cardboard boxes and . . . well, now that just looks like a ridiculous list of things to do, doesn’t it?
Thanks for the reminder to take care of ourselves and not stress.
August 9th, 2007 at 8:45 am, MsRebecca Says:
That’s funny(not literally), I had that ear clicking thing and apparently it was due to my 6yr. old putting the back window down, while I was going 70 on the freeway, some sort of air pressure popped my ear drum so to speak, the dr. said it was similiar to a common problem flight attendants may get. She gave me nose drops to sniff and told me to try to pop my ears once in awhile (didn’t help)I also have chronic neck aches due to STRESS.. Hang in there! There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, so they tell me
August 9th, 2007 at 8:46 am, mamalang Says:
I have TMJ. Jaw literally locked closed during adolescence. Mouthguards are awesome…
On the summer note, I’ve been there…working makes the guilt worse for me, cause I think of all the cool things I could be doing with them if I was at home. But then I realize that we wouldn’t really have the money to do the cool things, so it doesn’t really matter…lol.
Thanks for making me feel better.
August 9th, 2007 at 12:01 pm, Tricia Says:
And I’m sure you know that moving is like #2 on the ‘lifes’ most stressful things’ list, right? Take care.
August 9th, 2007 at 12:07 pm, Susan Says:
Tricia, I forgot about that!
Good lord, how am I not in a mental hospital?
Wait, don’t answer that.
August 9th, 2007 at 12:31 pm, Heather B. Says:
I ended up worrying so much at one point that I developed an AWESOME case of TMJ.
And I’d feel more than slightly bad if a certain impromptu house guest added to your stress. Like really, really bad.
August 9th, 2007 at 12:41 pm, Kari Says:
Coming back from BlogHer was such a crushing thing. It was amazing how relaxed I was in Chicago, and yet how rapidly the stress and pressure piled up as soon as I got home.
I keep telling myself once we’re completely moved in, or once we sell our old house, or once the boys are back in school things should “settle.” Ha!
August 9th, 2007 at 12:46 pm, Jen Says:
I know how you feel. Today, I am scattered and hot and I escaped to the coffee shop to work, and I was wondering where else I could escape to to work, and then I realized that no matter where I went, I would still be there, so maybe location isn’t the problem…
Want to come to Vancouver with me in October to my conference?
August 9th, 2007 at 1:19 pm, mamatulip Says:
It’s hot here too. Really stinkin’ hot. A lot of people think it doesn’t get hot here in The Land of Ice and Snow but hoooo boy, does it ever.
August 9th, 2007 at 1:23 pm, Shan Says:
I had that TMJ thing for YEARS when I was a stress-case college/graduate student. Now I only get it when I have a newborn who isn’t sleeping through the night yet. Once they do, it goes away.
Susan, I think we all feel this way sometimes. I, too, wonder if I’m giving my girls (mainly my 3-year-old; the baby is too little to care) enough “fun” and happy days. I have grand plans in my head for how I’m going to be as a SAHM–how we’re going to do all these projects and activities, how we’re going to play games outside every single day, even when it’s sunny and 95 degrees, how I’m not going to raise my voice, how I’m going to be always patient. How Julia is going to remember me as a fun mama home with her during these preschool years. Then things get busy and I get stressed and she has meltdowns and….I don’t feel like a nice fun mom anymore. But you know, we all do the best we can. And don’t you just love Valerie’s comment up there? We ARE doing okay, and it will all be just fine. And our kids are having fun, and will remember the little happy moments that we don’t even stop to notice half the time. So maybe we should, a little more.
In the meantime, I like Mark’s suggestion about a cold drink from the coffeeshop and a nice deep breath. I think I’ll try it too.
Oh, on another note? Your kids’ school starts NEXT WEEK?! That seems crazy early to me! My daughter is off to preschool this fall for the very first time (but not until September), so I’m in the throes of a completely different kind of stress: the totally unfamiliar state of preparing for something brand new in our lives. They do grow so fast, don’t they?
August 9th, 2007 at 10:08 pm, Valerie Says:
Ok, I apologize for making you tear up.
And you’re welcome. Thank YOU for helping me to realize that how I used to feel was completely normal.
And thanks also for entertaining me with your posts.
August 9th, 2007 at 11:37 pm, MaryP Says:
I just bought my daughter a t-shirt for Christmas (yes, I start this early) that says (quoting Gregory House) “IT’S NEVER LUPUS.”
Should I buy a second one for you? Just for the reassurance? In fact, you probably take the same size as her, you wee little thing, you.
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