March 20, 2006
I said what I meant and I meant what I said
Over the weekend, I heard from Jennifer James McCollum, who left a comment on my original response to her essay in the Daily Oklahoman (you can find her comment here, at the very bottom of the page). I appreciate that she made the effort to find me and to respond to my post. And I have been thinking, long and hard, about how to respond to her comment, and what I want to say is this:
Jennifer, I stand by everything I have written about the “Mommy wars“–about Judith Warner and Linda Hirschman and your piece in the Daily Oklahoman. The ‘Mommy wars’ are about media ratings, not about helping actual mothers–or fathers–parent their children. The real issues facing parents today–substandard health care, failing schools, rising costs of living–are rarely talked about. Fathers are completely overlooked (that is, until someone like Leslie Morgan Steiner tells us how incapable and uninterested they are). Women who have no real CHOICE about working or staying home are left out of the discussion entirely. Instead, media outlets like Good Morning America and the Today show pit working mothers against stay-home mothers in a contest to see who is doing the better job, who is sacrificing the most, who is making the better moral decision, not in order to help any of these women be better parents but solely to raise their own ratings.
What frustrates me the most, though, is the rhetoric of the “Mommy wars,” the bitter, divisive, us-against-them language that gets used to talk about women and their choices. To call this a “war” implies that there is an ideology worth dying for; I don’t think anyone believes strongly enough in her choice to say that. To refer to women with children explicitly as “mommies” reduces us to a uterus and a diaper bag and demeans any other work we might be doing. And to insist, as Steiner does, that working mothers and stay-home mothers “misunderstand and envy each other in the corrosive, fake-smiling way we women have perfected over the eons” insults both our intelligence and our humanity. But it is precisely this kind of language that imparts the ‘”Mommy wars” with their pretend urgency, because it plays so strongly on the concerns and fears that many women have about their own parenting decisions and about their social and cultural status as the “mommy.” Over and over, I hear women say that they have never experienced the kind of “corrosive fake-smiling” behavior that Steiner describes, but according to the media, it is precisely how we think and talk about each other.
Jennifer, I realize that you did not engage in this kind of extremist language in your essay; however, you did chose to deploy the rhetoric of ‘us’ against ‘them’ in your discussion of what working mothers do. I realize, too, that the Daily Oklahoman is not the New York Times, nor is a five-hundred-word essay the equivalent of a book. But this is all the same conversation, and the tone was what I objected to. If the “Mommy wars” are all about divisive rhetoric, then yes, you absolutely are part of this conversation. And because the media will not back down–because Leslie Morgan Steiner sells books and Linda Hirschman attracts viewers–it is up to the rest of us to change the tone of this conversation, to turn it into a REAL conversation instead of a pretend war. Hirschman and Steiner make a living off their extremist rhetoric; the rest of us, frankly, have no excuse for buying into this.
Jennifer, I meant every word I said, both here at Friday Playdate and in the Daily Oklahoman. Being a stay home mother is no harder or easier than being a working mother; it is simply different. That is all. It is being a parent that is hard, and I wish we could talk more about that and less about who is working harder or sacrificing more.
Thank you for taking the time to comment.
Posted by Susan @ 12:15 pm • Uncategorized
RSS feed for comments on this post.
TrackBack URI
March 20th, 2006 at 12:32 pm, Neurotic Mom Says:
I’ve been reading your blog for quite a while now and i completely agree with you. Well said!!
March 20th, 2006 at 12:46 pm, ieatcrayonz Says:
Well said, and spell checked no less.
Another satisfied reader.
March 20th, 2006 at 1:00 pm, Nancy Says:
You are completely right, Susan. The labels associated with the “mommy wars” are so damaging. We should be celebrating our similarities as women and mothers (or women without kids) rather than looking for and talking about ways we are different.
March 20th, 2006 at 1:05 pm, MamaChristy Says:
It sounds like she took your comments personally. I think the “Mommy Wars” are all about people taking comments and situations too much to heart because that is what they think of themselves. And if someone else says what you secretly fear in your heart, it must be true, right? I totally agree; this is all about media trying to confirm our worst fears because a shocking headline gets you to read the story (and therefore, look at the ads. It’s all about the ads. Trust me on this one.).
March 20th, 2006 at 1:31 pm, Ale8one Says:
As a former stay at home father now successfully back in the workforce. Staying at home and raising the kids is as important as any job there is out there. but it’s not harder.
dealing with demanding bossess and clients is hard.
the hardest day at home is still rewarding, loving and easier.
Different is the best adjective to describe the possibility of sex with someone other than your spouse.
March 20th, 2006 at 1:32 pm, Ale8one Says:
Really good post, btw.
March 20th, 2006 at 1:53 pm, Ale8one Says:
ouch. I just read Jenifer’s response.
I know, I’m bass-ackwards.
Parenting, anyway you look at it is hard.
But single-parenting has more obstacles.
March 20th, 2006 at 2:04 pm, Susan Says:
Here is the thing I was trying not to say: yes, single parenting has obstacles that parenting as a team does not. But parenting a special needs child has obstacles that parenting a neurotypical child does not. And parenting multiples has obstacles that parenting a single child does not. And . . .
See how we could play this game all day? I am not questioning Jennifer’s experience, nor am I criticizing it. I just want her–and ALL OF YOU, and me, too–to be aware of how that experience gets talked about.
That is all.
March 20th, 2006 at 2:12 pm, Felicity Says:
I’m still with you Susan. I didn’t like the tone of Ms. McCollum’s comment, either, which I somehow overlooked.
(Her comment)had the tone of someone suprised by a reaction…I think, (you, anyone) writes for two reasons: to get a reaction or to connect. I didn’t see any evidence of looking for a connection in Ms. McCollum’s original article.
(That article) talked about the “Mommy Wars”–when we stand up and say something vehemently, though, then she’s feeling attacked?…
It *IS* simply being a parent that is hard and THAT needs to be addressed BEFORE we look at the choices parents–Moms–make. Because so many of us CAN’T choose.
March 20th, 2006 at 4:04 pm, Heather Says:
Susan, I am so proud of this response. And why proud? Well, I feel that your words, represent the spirit that I feel and try to embody. As a working mommy - I don’t want to be pitted in a war I did not choose to be in. Parents do have much more important things to worry about. Thank-you for so eloquently and thoughtfully expressing this!
You rock BTW!
H
March 20th, 2006 at 4:46 pm, Kathryn Says:
Nice post, Susan. I think when people are called out, they frequently fall back on the “didn’t you get that I was being humorous” excuse. Great that she is trying to make her friends feel that she understands them. This was published in the paper for all to see, not just her personal, sacrificing friends. It seems to be a useless conversation with her. I got the sense that she just didn’t want to get what you said in your response to her.
Keep at it. I always look forward to a Friday Playdate post.
March 20th, 2006 at 6:35 pm, The June Cleaver Diaries Says:
I agree, Susan.
And Jennifer, if you’re reading this, I empathize with how hard it must be to be a single mom. Being a parent of any type is hard, and going it alone has to be rough.
Just remember, that as parents, we’re all on the same team here.
March 20th, 2006 at 7:13 pm, Ale8one Says:
Maybe this is what people are up in arms about - where someone is always trying to compare their situation to someone elses. and a game of one-upmanship ensues.
as my wife and i are trying to raise two children i don’t often see enough of the point of view of the single parent. i believe this to have more obstacles.
the discussion was a general forum on parenting period, without throwing in additional complications of special needs childrens. we know they have more needs.
that is all.
March 20th, 2006 at 7:31 pm, CarpeDM Says:
What I thought was interesting was about her comment about how men laugh at you (I say you meaning mothers since I am not one) behind your back. Okay. So now the mommys are not only at war with each other but against the men as well? Argh.
Susan, I loved your response, both the one to her article and this one. You have always been articulate and have never bashed anyone for their decisions, working or stay at home mother (or father). I am always impressed when I read something you’ve written.
And your kids? Good Lord, they are funny. I love the idea of the capes (couldn’t comment on every post, I have 95 other posts from my other favorites to read…good Lord, you people are proflific) and Charlie cracks me up with the whole wedgie thing.
March 20th, 2006 at 8:01 pm, Susan Says:
Al (can I call you Al?) I think you and I are agreeing. Jennifer was a single mother; I am parenting a special-needs child; everyone, as my friend Leslie says, has something. And yes, you are right, rather than one-upping each other we should find ways to sympathize and understand and respect each others differences.
I’m sorry if I was unclear about that. And you bring up an interesting point–the media coverage of mothers, at least recently, is focused on married women, not single mothers. Any theories on why that is? Anyone?
March 20th, 2006 at 8:09 pm, Kara Says:
Huh? Next time somebody takes exception to something I say, I’ll tell them about how I lived through my parents very painful divorce. Maybe that will distract them long enough to stop talking about that first thing I said. yeah, that’s the ticket.
Everybody seems to be pretty even keel and respectful about Jennifer’s response, but I just lost whatever shred of sympathy I had for her. I know that’s not very nice, but it’s the way I feel.
March 20th, 2006 at 8:24 pm, Susie Says:
All I read in her comment was defense. Nothing new. Maybe she should get her own blog.
I like what you had to say.
That is all.
How is Charlie feeling?
March 20th, 2006 at 9:51 pm, The June Cleaver Diaries Says:
Susan, Al, Kara and Susie,
I agree—how many different sub-groups can we break ourselves into??? We all have it fabulous and crappy at the same time, for different reasons.
Okay, fine. I’ll be honest. Since I have one year old twins and a preschooler, I win. So unless you can top me by throwing in a set of triplets and a two-legged dog, I have the hardest job. Me, me, me.
And I’ve been lying all along about my husband’s great new job and our move to Canada. We’re actually— all five of us!— moving into a van down by the river.
March 20th, 2006 at 9:53 pm, Susan Says:
Katy! THAT’S where we will have our party! In your van! Down by the river!
March 20th, 2006 at 10:48 pm, MJ Says:
Okay, so where do I register to become “genuinely involved” in the “Mommy War”? I must admit that until I read Jennifer’s response I thought of this commentary more as an academic exercise. As I said in my original comment, we all parent different children differently for different reasons. And, as long as you’re not abusing your children I really have no need to comment on how you do it. But–maybe I’m overly sensitive–now it seems that all those who commented aren’t “genuinely involved.” Well, after March Break with nary a minute off, I think I’m pretty involved. As are my male and female friends who work full-time, part-time and with and without partners. We’re all trying to raise our children to be good people the best way we know how. Isn’t that enough?
March 21st, 2006 at 2:01 am, L. Says:
I read Jennifer`s comment and I thought, “Apples, oranges.” She seemed to be talking about specific women, including herself and her friends — fine. But then she extrapolated these examples to everyone else`s lives, and this is where she (and many others) kind of lost me, because there`s no right way to handle the work/family balance — there are millions of right ways.
March 21st, 2006 at 7:54 am, Susan Says:
MJ and L, I think you are both saying the same thing, and it’s an important thing: when we talk about parenting, we are always talking about our OWN experiences–after all, those are the only experiences we have. And as L points out, there are as many ways to parent as there are kinds of familes; we look to each other for support and suggestions, because each of us is trying to forge the right path for our own little village.
I sound like Hillary Clinton, don’t I?
And MJ–good use of nary. Everyone should try to use that in a sentence today.
March 21st, 2006 at 9:14 am, Ale8one Says:
i do like the kindness and understanding in this forum. as i often toil under my own ego-centrism it’s more enlightening for me to comment and get perspective from moms and single women instead of daddy blogs.
and i do admit to having to ‘flash read’ at times which doesn’t do anyone good.
well-publicized recent studies have focused on married women.
but i believe with the growing number of singles, there is a trend to find much fault with monogamy. many people are looking to animal studies to explain our ‘animalistic behavior.’ well that’s fun but we aren’t animals.
from what few ethinography studies i’ve read - it sums up that across history and varying cultures, monogamy is as prevalent as anything else. what this tells me is that it has a very innate quality.
i think pop culture is focusing on glamorous singlehood, while academia lately has looked at marriage.
March 21st, 2006 at 10:59 am, Susan Says:
i think pop culture is focusing on glamorous singlehood, while academia lately has looked at marriage.
That is so interesting, Al–I hadn’t though about it in that way, as pop culture/academia split, but I think you are absolutely right.
March 21st, 2006 at 11:29 am, Velma Says:
Susan, I’m so impressed at how well you express your thoughts. I agree that the big picture is being ignored in favor of an attention-grabbing sound bite pitting “us” vs. “them.” I’ve felt the same way for quite a while, which is that everyone has SOMETHING going on, good and bad, and that life isn’t a competition!
As to your question regarding why articles are slanted towards married woman, I think it all comes down to money. This is a absurdly gross generalization, but it seems to me that single women with children are less likely across the board to have the disposable income (or leisure time) to buy these magazines, read these articles, or frankly, care. Again, totally my opinion, but it’s nice to read something so well thought about an issue I’ve struggled with myself.
March 21st, 2006 at 4:57 pm, Kristen Says:
What about blended families? Nobody’s mentioned us. I want to be in the “has it worst” category! WAAAA!
Kara - I loved your comment. And what a brilliant strategy. Oh, you don’t agree with me, huh? Well, well… Hey! I got laid off when I was pregnant while my husband had just started a home based business so we had no health insurance and almost went bankrupt! Isn’t that awful?!
March 21st, 2006 at 5:03 pm, Kristen Says:
I am a part-time working, part-time SAHM. I have the best of both working and non working lives. Wouldn’t matter which one I did more. You are right that being a “parent” is what is hard. The whole mommy wars thing is silly and ridiculous. We all work hard for our kids.
March 21st, 2006 at 8:15 pm, McSwain Says:
Susan, you’re right on target here! As a single mom, I get tired of the focus on how hard it is to be a single mom. Frankly, in many ways I find it easier than it was being married. I get tired of being stereotyped as “poor.” (See Velma’s comment.) The hardest thing about being a single mom is being treated like we’re (that’s me and my child) “different” by the married moms, especially the married stay-at-home moms. Another part of the mommy wars.
You’re right–we’re all parents. Parenting is hard. And the biggest challenges are not necessarily that different if you’r working in or out of the home, or whether you have a partner or not.
March 21st, 2006 at 8:48 pm, Susan Says:
I am interested by the difference between media images (Al’s point about glamourous single life versus mundane married life; Velma’s point about the perception that married women have more disposable income and leisure time than single women) and real life. We all KNOW that what we see in magazines and sitcoms and commercials is NOT real life, but those are the images we live with every day.
I would so strongly recommend that you all read The Mommy Myth–it’s an insightful reading of media images of motherhood. My favorite chapter is called “Attack of the Celebrity Mothers” (or something like that); the authors point out, among other things, how celebrity mothers are so often photographed wearing all white, in an all-white lving room. Because that’s the image we would all like to have of ourselves as mothers.
March 24th, 2006 at 9:58 am, Granny Says:
I’m really late for this but wanted to say amen.
I don’t know how the “can you top this” started but we need to support each other.
My kids are long since grown and I’ve started over with special needs great-grandchildren. I come over here when I can and always find support just in knowing I’m not alone.
That’s how it should be.
Ann Adams
(aka granny)