September 20, 2005
I don’t know that ’sexy’ is the word I would use
In this morning’s New York Times (the paper we love to hate) is this article, about young women at ‘elite’ universities (read: Ivy League) who are asserting that they will leave their careers, down the road, to stay at home with their children.
My favorite moment is this: ‘Sarah Currie, a senior at Harvard, said many of the men in her American Family class last fall approved of women’s plans to stay home with their children. “A lot of the guys were like, ‘I think that’s really great,’ ” Ms. Currie said. “One of the guys was like, ‘I think that’s sexy.’ Staying at home with your children isn’t as polarizing of an issue as I envision it is for women who are in their 30’s now.”‘
What unsettles me the most (beyond the simple fact that I have no idea why this warrants a story in the New York Times) is the naivete of these young women. Will that young man still find it ’sexy’ when his wife is struggling to lose the last 15 (or 40 or 60 or . . . ) pounds she gained when she was pregnant? Will he find it sexy when he comes home from work to a wife who has not showered in two days, a refridgerator that is empty, and a house that looks like a Federal disaster site? Will he find it sexy when his wife announces that until she has empirical evidence that his vasectomy was successful, he will be sleeping on the couch?
I suspect not.
I am also unsettled by the underlying assumption that motherhood will come at just the right moment, when these bright, overachieving young women are ready to walk away from their careers, and that the delight of changing diapers and answering four million WHY questions (before breakfast!) will eclipse the intellectual triumph of any work they could possibly be doing outside the home.
My life as a stay-home mom is a lot of things, virtually all of which are good, but it is certainly not sexy. I’m not down on young women wanting to stay at home with children; I am down on the continual idealization of this choice, particularly this need to make mommying ’sexy’. I wish these girls all the success in the world, and if they can figure out how to cure Mom Ass forever or prevent my overeducated brain from seeping out of my ears during yet ANOTHER conversation about the merits of the various members of the Justice League, well, then I will stop worrying about them.
Edited to add: Go here for more discussion of this article.
Posted by Susan @ 6:55 am • Uncategorized
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September 20th, 2005 at 8:03 am, Candace Says:
What I don’t understand is why more young men aren’t stepping up and saying, “I’ll stay home.” Or why COUPLES aren’t saying, “We’ll evaluate it when the time comes, but one of us will stay home.” That’s what we did, and if it had happened that I could have made more money, Pete would have stayed home. That scenario is still on the table, though. Once I finish my culinary degree and open my business, we’re looking at him staying home. Why is it always all or nothing with those damned youngsters? And yeah, the idealization needs to stop. And we also need to stop thinking that a parent at home is ALWAYS best. NO, what’s best is a child who is loved and well taken care of, and who has happy fulfilled parents.
September 20th, 2005 at 8:20 am, McSwain Says:
I know you’re not exactly religious, but I’m going to say it anyway.
AMEN!!!!
September 20th, 2005 at 8:44 am, Misfit Hausfrau Says:
Oh, these poor kids.
My husband’s fantasy is to be the Hausfrau in the family. Wait–that was BEFORE the birth of Peaches. Now, he is quite glad to go to work, I think.
The only sexy stay-at-home moms I saw were regulars at the Short Hills Mall in New Jersey.
September 20th, 2005 at 10:39 am, MIM Says:
I totally agree, Misfit!!
Misfit Hausfrau, you should see the sexy SAHMs in Orange County. They’re slim, look like they’ve just stepped out of a salon, and they have no facial expressions! Oh, and even though they’re SAHMs, they still have full-time nannys!
I’m with you Susan, these youngin’s need to, like, catch, like a clue.
Oh, and the media needs to stop perpetuating the “war” between SAHMs and FTWMs.
September 20th, 2005 at 10:58 am, Susan Says:
Misfit, Cheryl took the words right out of my mouth–AMEN, sister. (Although my husband, to his credit, fully admits that if he stayed home with our kids he would go insane. In fact, he often wonders how I do not. As do I.)
I also know some legitimately sexy moms, but they are not the girls I’m hanging with. I have friends who are beautiful, inside and out, but really, ’sexy’ is hard to pull off when you have a snotty-nosed toddler trailing after you. Or a sweaty preschooler. Or a baby. Or . . . you get it.
MIM, one of us needs to write about the mommy wars. Get on that, will ya?
September 20th, 2005 at 12:55 pm, Heather Says:
I find it interesting that the media is so preoccupied with romanticing motherhood and being a SAHM, and how many blogging moms out there are deconstructing those myths brick by brick. Give that perky Harvard student 3 months home alone, with her busy ivy league educated hubby working his nose to the grind…and see how long it takes her to find us online.( Of course I am making huge assumption about “us” )
Sexy…thats just so friggin insulting! Ack! Like working our fingers to the bone, the worrying, planning, (add the million other items on this list) and the only affirming comment from a Harvard Male is that my role is all about image rather than substance? Can I run away screaming now?
Ack!
September 20th, 2005 at 12:58 pm, The June Cleaver Diaries Says:
Hey! I was going to write about the mommy wars this weekend, after I saw True Jersey Girl’s dilemma. SHe had some chick go off on her because she decided to go back to work. I’m so sick of mommy wars. And frankly, I don’t personally know anyone that is up in arms about other mom’s choices. My working friends and my stay at home friends all wonder what all the fuss is about. One couple I know does it sooo well. SHe works 2 days a week, plus at-home call on one weekend day, and her husband work 3 days a week. It’s awesome.
September 20th, 2005 at 2:18 pm, Candace Says:
I wrote about the mommy wars once. I’ll try to find the link.
September 20th, 2005 at 2:21 pm, Candace Says:
Found it:
http://suburbanmisfit.blogspot.com/2005/04/but-what-about-children.html
September 20th, 2005 at 3:47 pm, Jenorama Says:
I covered that piece for Blogging Baby– I couldn’t believe how privileged those women are. So presumptuous. Hope they get everything they want as easily as they think they will get it. I had the hardest time explaining to my undergraduates in Freshman Comp. that the very expectation that a) they could choose and b) they expected to enjoy their careers is a highly priviliged position.
September 20th, 2005 at 9:06 pm, MIM Says:
Girl, I wrote a little somthin’ somethin’ about the mommy wars a while back. It’s buried somewhere in my blog. People didn’t seem to get it. It was all metaphorical . . . kinda.
September 20th, 2005 at 9:08 pm, MIM Says:
Oh, and I forgot to mention how sexy I look right now with sweet potato vomit on my pants.
September 21st, 2005 at 5:37 am, Mary P. Says:
When I was in my twenties and staying home with my first child, I was quite convinced that my choice was the best choice, and that those FTW mommies were making do with second best.
However, now I’m working full-time, and my clients are working mommies. Now it seems clear to me that the Great Divide to which I once subscribed is artificial. Mothers are mothers are mothers; children reared by both “types” of mothers are equally loved and loving, equally prone to misbehaviour and quirks; kids are kids are kids.
The divide is, in part, a function of our own insecurities: SAHM’s who feel that their minds and skills are atrophying (is that a word?), who feel out of touch with the Real World; FTWM’s who fear that they are denying their children something irreplaceable. Insecurities bolstered by the truth that there is some justification to all those concerns, because no human choice can be perfect.
And then, of course, there are those mean-spirited or just plain thoughtless folk who prey upon those insecurities. And that, too, is human nature.
September 21st, 2005 at 7:54 am, Susan in Tulsa Says:
The playgroup/day care days seem very far away when they’re big, hairy, and know more about math and world history than you do. By the time your kids are in their mid to late teens, the mommy wars are forgotten, you’re all just praying that they make it out of their teen years alive and that college doesn’t bankrupt you. Other parents are your support group then, most of them. I do have one acquaintance whose kids are the age of mine who told me a year ago with a straight face, “my girls have never given me a moment’s anxiety.” I beat the crap out of her (not really
(but I think she’s lying).
September 21st, 2005 at 8:23 pm, Susie Says:
Is there anything more exhausting than ‘all or nothing’? And adding ’sexy’ on top of that? I need a nap.