February 16, 2006
I didn’t do it
Leah tagged me, but because I’m a rebel (okay, I’m totally not) I’m going to do half of the meme, and change the rules. Again! Go to Leah’s site if you want to read the original meme (and to ogle her son, who is ADORABLE–my favorite picture is here). Get ready–here are four jobs I’ve never had and four classic movies I’ve never seen. You’re on the edge of your seat, aren’t you?
four jobs I’ve never had
Restaurant employee. I applied for a job at Arby’s once, but the manager said I was ‘overqualified.’ I think he disliked my I’m-home-from-my-expensive-liberal-arts-college-for-the-summer attitude. And, looking back, I can see why! I also seem to recall some sort of nation-wide panic at that time (this would be in the late ’80s) about Arby’s employees having their hands severed in the roast beef slicer. Remember this? Okay, so maybe it was just my mom who was worried, but I wasn’t too heartbroken about not getting the job. I really didn’t want to work in any sort of restaurant, particularly one that required a uniform. With a hat! Do they still wear those hats? The ironic thing about this is that the following fall, when I went back to school, I waited tables in a bar, which really was just one step up from the Arby’s, and had a uniform that consisted of a t-shirt made ENTIRELY of polyester; the bartenders used to joke that in a fire we wouldn’t burn but melt. This was a truly horrible job, but so very lucrative, especially on Monday nights when two of the seven fraternities on campus had their meetings. The meeting, of course, was just an excuse to relive the weekend, plan for the next weekend, and get drunk (again! thus adding one more day to the weekend, which typically kicked off on Wednesday afternoon). Drunk frat boys tip well; a pitcher of beer was like $6.00, but it was apparently so much easier to hand me a $10.00 and yell, ‘KEEP THE CHANGE!’ Which I inevitably did. Of course, this lead to some sense that the tipper was entitled to grab my ass, but a well-placed blow to the head usually put a stop to that. How do I know this? Let’s just say I do and leave it at that.
Personal assistant. Wade and I have an unusual fascination with E! Entertainment Television’s reality lineup, specifically Gastineau Girls and Dr. 90210. We don’t PLAN to watch these shows–we don’t TIVO them or anything (although I will once I get my TIVO, don’t you worry), but we seem to stumble onto them pretty regularly, and as they have that reality TV can’t-look-away-train-wreck quality we all love, there we are. Anyway, this season’s first episode followed Lisa and Brittny Gastineau as they sought to hire a personal assistant to do things like get the phone hooked up! and find clean towels! and locate a specific overnight bag in a closet the size of my house! This got me thinking about what a horrible personal assistant I would be. I only get through my current day (which has a fairly strong element of ‘personal assistant’ to it, if you think about it) by wielding the threat of time-out at every opportunity; I don’t think you can actually PUT the Gastineau Girls in time-out (although they BOTH deserve it). And inevitably I would go berserk and tell Brittny to GET A GRIP FOR GOD’S SAKE IT’S ONLY A SHOE AND YOU HAVE THREE HUNDRED PAIRS IN THE CLOSET and that would be the end of my career as a personal assistant. Plus my propensity for whacking people upside the head when provoked might make me unhireable. Was I going somewhere with this? No. Let’s move on.
Nanny. Didn’t being a nanny always seem like fun? Come on, think about it! Mary Poppins, The Sound of Music, THE NANNY! Those girls knew how to live. The children always played together nicely, or better yet left the house for the ENTIRE day, freeing the nanny to hang out in the kitchen watching daytime TV and noshing on whatever the cook was making. And they always got the guy! Okay, not Mary Poppins, although Burt was sweet on her and she seemed to have unlimited access to all sorts of terrific hallucinogenic drugs. And of course Maria got both the Captain and the Nazis, but they got over that, right? But the Nanny! Fran Drescher wore heels! And full makeup! And she got to marry the almost-hot and fabulously wealthy English guy! Okay, yes, I have TERRIBLE taste in television shows. Sorry. (See, you ARE learning something about me!)
Writer. My senior year in high school, I was voted Most Likely to Write the Great American Novel. I think this happened for a couple of reasons: I liked to read and even in high school I had a compulsive need to finish even the worst book, which meant that I ALWAYS had the homework done for English class (unlike some other of my classes, but let’s not get into that here). And, for some reason, I was always in the English class with the football players boys who couldn’t didn’t like to read, so they thought I was some sort of genius when really I just had a good memory for plot. In our senior year, we had our class meeting after lunch, which meant that occasionally some of my classmates were, uh, not entirely themselves by the time these meetings started, if you catch my drift (drunk! or maybe stoned! but not me–I was too busy doing my English homework). And because the dean of the Senior Class, poor Mr. Smith (yes, really! that was his name) took attendance, all my drunk football player friends (I use that world loosely) from fifth period English were there the day that we voted for things like ‘best legs!’ and ‘cutest couple!’ and ‘most likely to run for political office!’ and they loudly egged all their other drunk football player friends to VOTE FOR WAGNER TO WRITE THE NOVEL! It was truly touching. No, not really. Because I never wanted to write a novel (remember what happened when I tried?) and I am skeptical that there has ever been a GREAT American novel. Oh and? WRITING IS HARD. At least in the coherent manner required when you’re being paid to do it. Not like here, where I can just yammer on and on! Thank god for the Internet.
Moving right along . . .
four classic movies I have not seen
E. T. It’s not the same once you know how Drew Barrymore turns out, is it?
The Graduate. I have no excuse. None.
Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Yes, I know, Pheobe Cates has great boobs! Anything else? I didn’t think so.
Apocalypse Now. But I’ve read Heart of Darkness at least five times, if that makes a difference.
Okay, now I’m tired. It’s a lot of work, not doing things. I think I’ll go not do anything in front of the television. But you! Should feel free to do this! And tomorrow I’ll post some pictures of my hair! Can you stand the excitement?
Posted by Susan @ 8:52 pm • Uncategorized
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February 16th, 2006 at 9:40 pm, MamaChristy Says:
Watch E.T. when you can cry alone. You’re waiting to see The Graduate on Broadway. It’s a fine excuse. I’m just getting over playing the last meme so I’ll skip this one. Thanks.
February 16th, 2006 at 10:47 pm, adria Says:
Great version of the meme!
I will confess that I fell asleep the first and only time I saw E.T., and I do not have a desire to see it now.
February 16th, 2006 at 11:47 pm, leah Says:
Yeah, I was getting ready to call you a liar. Really, you still kinda are, but since I like what you wrote, I’ll let it slide
I haven’t seen the Graduate either and I also have no excuse. I think ET is the first movie that I went to in the theatre without an adult. I was very proud and my friends and I giggled a lot and I totally can’t remember why - maybe because we were 11.
February 17th, 2006 at 8:10 am, Nancy Says:
I really liked the way you did the meme, especially descriptions of your former jobs. LOL at the entitlement aspect of the tips from drunk boys — and your way of handling that.
February 17th, 2006 at 9:02 am, Chag Says:
Susan, you NEED to go out and rent all the movies on your list (except for ET). Although Fast Times didn’t age as well as the others.
February 17th, 2006 at 10:00 am, M&Co. Says:
Susan, I notice you have an ad for Perfect MadNess on you Amazon ads. It kind of made me laugh. I got that from the library, but didn’t have the time to read it before it had to go back!
February 17th, 2006 at 10:30 am, Laura Says:
Seen all the movies except A N. Just can’t bring myself to see that one. Love the Graduate - “Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?” Heh.
Also good jobs you’ve never had. Wish I’d never had some of them.
February 17th, 2006 at 11:39 am, Candace Says:
I do.not.like The Graduate. I hated it. Loathed it. Didn’t get why it was so “it”. Whatever.
But I was a nanny! I taught my young male charge how to slow dance (and it totally wasn’t icky or dirty, so stop that right now)! I even had cute nicknames for them that they loved! And once, they ratted me out for making out with my boyfriend in the spare room. But I forgave them because I didn’t lose my job.
So there you go.
February 17th, 2006 at 12:40 pm, leah Says:
Hi, yeah, so if you go to my site to see the original meme or pics of my babe, you cannot get there right now because apparently my DNS server was hacked and is currently in DDoS status - crap! My DNS is being switched, so hopefully it will be accessible in an hour or so. Hack the planet, sure, just not MY tiny part of the planet!
I actually fell asleep during AN much to the dismay of my boyfriend at the time who was in the military and totally loved that movie. And FTatRH I’ve seen many, many times. I agree that it has not aged well, but the nostalgia factor allows me to rewatch it. You gotta love Sean Penn in that one.
February 17th, 2006 at 2:44 pm, MoMMY Says:
Just found you from Blogsites. Very funny stuff here. Can’t wait to come back.
February 17th, 2006 at 5:17 pm, Jenorama Says:
I’ve never seen The Graduate or been a personal assistant either.
February 17th, 2006 at 9:28 pm, Meredith Says:
Fastimes at Ridgemont High has a lot more than Phoebe’s boobs (which are quite enviable). I saw it in a film class in school years ago and was amazed at how good it was and interesting cultural implications of the time. Worth checking out - I swear!
And yes, if you do not have one already - you NEED a TiVo! Everyone should get one (I like my job!).
February 18th, 2006 at 4:56 pm, CarpeDM Says:
Never seen The Graduate or AN either. No desire to see AN. War is bad and movies about war make me cry (because I don’t like it when people die). It is about war, right? I’m pretty sure it is.
ET was good. I cried. But then I cry at everything. Even when people don’t die and end up with the guy and are very happy.
I love your version of the meme. And I’ve never seen that show about the Gastineau girls but I think I would be yelling at them as well.