February 19, 2007
I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried
Guess what I did yesterday! Guess!
I spent the day in bed. With stomach flu. Yes, really!
Today I am spraying everything in my path with Lysol, including the kids. No, not really, but I have practically bathed them in Purell. Because what the hell?
Seriously.
In the hours that I wasn’t prostrated with flu, I read Babyproofing Your Marriage, by Stacie Cockrell, Cathy O’Neill, and Julia Stone. I didn’t unlike it, but I was having a hard time putting my finger on what it was that wasn’t ringing true to me. Until I got sick.
Subtitled “How to Laugh More, Argue Less, and Communicate Better as Your Family Grows,” Babyproofing Your Marriage is the “warts-and-all truth about how having children can affect your relationship.” In many places, the authors–all mothers themselves–are dead on. They talk, for example, about the tendency to keep score once we become parents, to note every time we take out the trash or get up in the night with a sick kid, and to remind our significant other just HOW DAMN MUCH we’re doing around here (implying that HE isn’t doing much at all). According to the authors, women typically feel like we are shouldering the majority of the burden in terms of caring for the children. Men, on the other hand, don’t understand why we don’t thank them when they pitch in.
I hate to admit it, but I think they’re right.
But still, as I was reading I kept wondering why I wasn’t wholeheartedly agreeing with their premise: that better communication is key to a successful marriage. I absolutely DO believe that, but something was missing.
Then I got sick.
I woke Wade up yesterday morning by saying, “You have to get up with the kids. I have the flu.” He said, “Okay, you sleep,” and then he jumped right in. I have no idea what they did all day; never once did he come to ask for directions or help. I finally arose from my sickbed at dinner time, as Wade was cheerfully making spaghetti sauce FROM SCRATCH and talking about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with the boys. He had not only survived the day but had a great time with his kids.
And then it hit me: the authors of Babyproofing Your Marriage don’t really think men are able do that. Despite the fact that their book is about learning to communicate better, they advocate a “training weekend” for husbands, to show them just how hard your job is. They describe the “training weekend” as a “48-hour Navy SEALS-type experience for Dads. Mom takes off and Dad is left, unassisted, to man the kid and house ropes for the weekend. If done correctly, (i.e., Dad has absolutely no backup) a reinvigorated Mom is likely to return to an enormously appreciative and surprisingly helpful husband, and newly confident Dad.”
I have a problem with this. I don’t think that abandoning your husband with the kids for a weekend is the first step to better communication in your marriage. I think, in fact, that it’s just the opposite: it’s a good way to foster resentment, or quite possibly to give your husband MORE ammunition to think that you’re not doing a very good job. Because for the most part, I imagine that men WILL be able to get through the weekend without losing or maiming one of the children. Sure, the house may be a pit and the kids may have eaten take-out for two days, but still.
He will end up convinced that your job is a piece of cake.
This morning, while I was making lunches for the kids and digging around in my wallet for milk money, Wade ate his cereal and logged on to the computer to check his schedule. “I wonder if I need to wear a tie today,” he said. And I started to think about how unfair it is to expect anyone to be able to step into a job on a moment’s notice, no matter what the job is.
In couples where one parent works and the other stays home, there will always be an unbalance of information about the kids. My full-time job is to know how much milk costs at each child’s school (twenty five cents for Henry, thirty five for Charlie), when class pictures are (Charlie’s is tomorrow), and what everyone eats for lunch (Henry has two peanut-butter-and-honey sandwiches, cut into four triangles and packed in a plastic box every day). Wade doesn’t know any of that, not because he doesn’t care but because he’s busy with his own full-time job. If he calls in sick, I can’t step in and do what he does; why should I just expect him to be able to do the same here? Why do I need for him to do things EXACTLY like I would?
Answer: I don’t.
I also made a little face of disagreement about the “training weekend” specification that the Dad have NO HELP AT ALL. My friend Christa’s husband is away for the long weekend and her girls are out of school, so she had a babysitter two afternoons. She also had her housekeeper on Friday. Why not? Why SHOULDN’T a parent who is home alone for more than two days have help? To say that Dad has to do it on his own implies that MOM should do the same. And sister, let me tell you, that ain’t going to happen around here.
I think my underlying discontent with this book is that it relies too heavily on a kind of double standard about men and women. The authors claim that men are not as emotionally attached to their infants, for example, as women are, and that women are biologically programmed to worry about every little thing while men just take care of problems. I don’t buy this; my experience has been that men are just as attached to their babies as women, and that women are SOCIALLY programmed to over think and over worry.
I think that the authors of Babyproofing Your Marriage make some interesting and important points about communication issues that come with being parents, and I think that most of us will find something to relate to in this book. But I want you to question their underlying assumptions about men and women and the way we naturally fall into gendered roles when we bring the baby home. Because I just don’t think it’s true.
This review is part of the BlogHer Virtual Book Tour; you can find links to more reviews here, in the comments.
Posted by Susan @ 2:47 pm • Uncategorized
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February 19th, 2007 at 2:55 pm, Jen Says:
Wow, that is a great review! And for the record, I have absolutely no desire to read that book.
My own experiences seem to be very different from other people’s in a lot of ways: My first marriage was just plain bad. I did it all myself. My second marriage is a dream and my kids are older and a lot of those things are not an issue anymore.
But I suspect reading that book would do nothing but dredge up a lot of unpleasantness and resentment on my part about a chapter of my life that is, to my eternal gratitude, over.
It seems to me that if these women need to implement Dad bootcamp that they are taking an immature, sitcom approach to their marriages. And maybe they should grow up and start talking to their husbands first.
February 19th, 2007 at 3:32 pm, sherrypg Says:
My husband will tell me (repeatedly), “I emptied the dishwasher.” After about the third time, I counter with, “Well, I got the boy up. Made him breakfast. Let the dog out. Fed and watered the dog. Took the trash out. Took a shower. Got dressed. Got the boy dressed. Took him to school. Went to work. Picked the boy up from school. Made supper. Vacuumed the family room and did two loads of laundry. So shut up.” He replies, “Dr. Phil says you aren’t supposed to keep score.” My reply? “Dr. Phil never met you.”
February 19th, 2007 at 4:11 pm, Karyn Says:
Yeah - there is a lot of double standard stuff out there when it comes to parenting.
Of course… my children’s father will actually not feed them lunch because “lunchtime came and went and nobody said they were hungry” so I definitely get critical. I do try to remain objective…
Feeling better? Poor girl.
February 19th, 2007 at 4:37 pm, Anonymous Says:
I’ve seen that book and wanted to read it but haven’t had the chance.
Just getting upright today with the flu myself (not the stomach kind, the lung kind =P)…. and I have to say - I don’t need to read it. I slogged through on Friday while my DH was at work but after that, it’s been All Dad, All the Time. And I didn’t have to ask him or tell him, as it was obvious that I was that sick, so he did it. Other than a couple of questions about medicine (because both girls were just getting over being sick themselves), he didn’t pester me with questions. And sure, he also didn’t do things exactly the way that I would have done them but the kids were clean, fed and happy. (The house is a different story but even then, there was effort put in).
I think that book, and the Boot Camp approach, might be helpful for wives who have husbands that have never been involved, think it’s “easy woman’s work” to raise children and keep a household going, and don’t have an appreciation for their wives. For those of us who wouoldn’t put up with that kind of crap, and have husbands who are our partners (regardless of who is working and where), it’s unnecessary. Like you said, I wouldn’t be able to go in to my husband’s job tomorrow because he’s sick (and if I did, I’m fairly sure I would be calling him with some stupid-to-him questions about accounting practices).
Hope you’re feeling better.
February 19th, 2007 at 5:18 pm, Ashlee Says:
I am trying to post a comment for the first time. We will see how this goes. I am totally glad you reviewed this book. My mom thinks that my husband is AMAZING - as do I - because he atually helps and often, knows just as much about our son’s schedule/routine as I do. He is an incredibly involved and attached dad who loves his family. We come first in his life and he is first in our life! Thanks for letting other folks who may have read this book that not all husbands are morons when it comes to their kids and taking care of things.
February 19th, 2007 at 5:19 pm, Susan Says:
Sherry brings up an important point, one that I have to concede the authors of this book: we DO keep score, whether we want to–or intend to–or not.
In what was one of the less grating parts of this book, the authors talk about strategies for ending the scorekeeping. They point out that men (I would say parents who are not full-time caregivers, but whatever) think ANYTHING they do to help should be rewarded; women (primary caregivers) see something like emptying the dishwasher but NOT reloading it as a half-assed attempt to get out of real work.
The authors suggest making a list of everything–and they mean EVERYTHING–that needs to be done and dividing it fairly (which MAY NOT mean 50/50; if one spouse works full time and one works part time or cares for the children full-time, there will NOT be a 50/50 split). Decide specifically who is responsible for what: if Sherry cooks, for example, her husband cleans, which means emptying the dishwasher AND reloading it AND washing whatever can’t go in AND wiping up the table AND sweeping the floor.
I like that this is a book about communication; I think, in the end, that my communication style is very different from the authors’.
And for the record, I used to keep score a LOT more when my kids were babies; now it’s easier not to. But now, no one needs a three am feeding or a diaper change, so there is that.
February 19th, 2007 at 5:28 pm, Mir Says:
How much do I love you? HOW MUCH DO I LOVE YOU?
I didn’t even take the offer to review this book, because I had this niggling feeling I really wasn’t going to like it. And once again you’ve written an honest review that doesn’t bother with ass-kissing.
I would totally bring you soup if you lived a little closer. Instead I’ll just suggest we make out (after you’re better, of course).
February 19th, 2007 at 6:08 pm, Jenn Says:
an excellent review - even more impressively coherent from one with the flu! (which I am only just getting over myself, and only now able to string together a couple of sentences…) Parenting books scare me - no one person or couple is going to be able to fix themselves by following a cure-all formula. Not to say that there might not be a little good stuff in each book, but it’s a hell of a lot to sift through …
feel better soon!
February 19th, 2007 at 7:11 pm, Becky Says:
This is a wonderful review! I appreciate your honesty and I have been wanting to read it. I still do, but will be able to keep these things in mind. I’m guilty of keeping score, but I recognize it and am working on it. And my hubby can totally go it alone with the kids and has! Thanks for the review and I hope you are feeling much better!
February 19th, 2007 at 9:38 pm, Wendy Says:
I might have read this book when I brought my first child home, but dont need it now.
We do keep score. My husband tells me all the time did I notice that he did this or that. I say, yes and thank you. It miffs me that he needs me to express gratitude on things I do everyday. Sometimes I say that and other times I just leave it alone.
I can go away for the day and not worry about him or the kids. I have been sick and he has taken care of the kids alone or I have gone on shopping trips with a friend and he was with the kids. It would be late afternoon and I notice I havent recieved a call. I guess it helps that I dont give a long list of things to follow. I know my 4.5 yr old will do that for me(LOL). As long as the kids are alive when I return, I am happy. Besides, the kids love spending alone time with Dad. It is way different than alone time with Mom.
And as for Dads not being connected to their infants, my husband is able to get my son to sleep where I cant. I think there is something to be said for the spouse that hasnt been around the kids all day. Sometimes they have more patience.
February 19th, 2007 at 9:45 pm, Susan Says:
Wendy, you’ve touched on another dilemma with this book, which is audience. When Henry was born, I was much more of a worrier and a scorekeeper, and maybe–MAYBE–would have found this book useful. Maybe. Assuming I could have found an hour to read it, in between the feedings and the diapers and the laundry and the doctors appointments and . . .
You get the idea.
But now that my kids are older and sleep through the night and I have time to read entire! books! I don’t need a guide to dividing the work equally, or to communicating with my spouse. And if he hasn’t killed one of the kids yet, he probably won’t.
I’m not sure, then, who the audience is for this book.
February 20th, 2007 at 8:33 am, Sheryl Says:
I have a problem with the concept of “pitching in.” It implies someone is helping me do my job, when we’re really both taking care of the house. No, Aaron doesn’t do as much housework as I’d like him to, but I don’t either. We both do what we’re able, what we have time for, and what bugs us. Of course I do more, because I’m home more. Would he do more if he were the stay at home dad? I would think so, otherwise it wouldn’t get done, because I know I wouldn’t do much more than he does if I had a full time job.
February 20th, 2007 at 8:38 am, daysgoby Says:
How on earth does that boot camp thing work for anyone?
If I tried that Jamie would cope (in his own way, of course - aka the house would be a.disaster.area and the kids would have had the time of their lives)
and he’d be a bit angry and resentful that I left him with no help and I’d be angry and resentful that he’d managed terrifically with the children while not thinking about the house.
Now how does that solve anything???
February 20th, 2007 at 9:51 am, melynda Says:
I would love to wax eloquent about said book, but I’m still amazed at the concept of clear and lucid thinking AND writing anywhere within 48 hours of a stomach flu. Between moans for “ginger ale” and cursing my last meal, I can barely spell my own name.
Bravo to you!
February 20th, 2007 at 11:53 am, MamaLee Says:
I need to say WOW as well. What a great review.
I have to say that SOME men do NOT help/participate in the day to day workings of the home, whether it be because they aren’t around much, or that they don’t care to.
In our house, my husband is out of town 4 days each week, and I am the one making the house hum, complete with taking care of 3 young children. My husband can take care of things without me, if necessary, but he would do things differently.
That being said, please know that you are blessed with a WONDERFUL hubby. Many hubbys would NOT feel as comfortable just taking over the majority of the caretaking. I’m a bit jealous! LOL
And I’m glad that you are feeling better!
February 20th, 2007 at 12:31 pm, The June Cleaver Diaries Says:
I’ve been debating on whether or not to pick this book up—- I may get it from the library, not from the store, thanks to you. Great review.
I think there are many men that fit into the stereotypical role that is assumed in this book. But I’ve seen with ny own eyes that there are more men that don’t fit the mold. I have a huge problem with lumping people into boxes— racial, gender, educational track, Gallup polls, whatever. After all, from what is out there, one would think that as a 35 yr old stay-at-home mom, that I spend all of my time laughing with my kids, watching Oprah, baking bread from scratch and keeping gleaming hardwood floors. It just ain’t so. (Okay, I did bake bread today.)
Reverse sexism is still sexism, plain and simple. Feminism can never be about dragging one sex down to boost up the other.
And you’re right— things don’t always have to be done our way— on the the hardest, yet most rewarding things I’ve learned to do is to give Chris enough space to do things his way— to give him room to father.
February 20th, 2007 at 7:49 pm, Misfit Hausfrau Says:
I also thought about getting this book. I am sorry you were sick, but I am so glad I read your review.
I didn’t really start to keep score until the birth of our second child. She was very difficult and I think my husband was terrified of her. It took awhile for us to become a real team again and I can now honestly say that I am not keeping score. Well thougt-out review Susan.
February 20th, 2007 at 8:10 pm, cape buffalo Says:
I felt the need to gove this book a kinder review becuse it was my first review and, well, I did get the book for free.
I hated most of it:
http://capebuffalo.blogspot.com/2007/02/you-can-keep-badge-i-dont-need-it.html
and because my review was less-than-flattering, Parent Bloggers didn’t include it in their review round-up.
February 20th, 2007 at 11:08 pm, Anonymous Says:
I’m confused Buffalo. You seemed to like the book:
“From then on, I was eating out of their well manicured hands. From advice about new parent sex, to dealing with the in-laws and outlaws (hint: BE OUR WINGMAN), to negotiating a growing family, the emphasis is on keeping your marriage, as the foundation of the family, healthy.
I may have had a tough time warming up to some of what the authors had to say, but I’m so happy I stuck with it. I’ve handed the book on to my husband as we’re making decisions about whether to give the kiddo a sibling and I plan to recommend it to several friends as there are ten- count ‘em ten!- babies on the way at my place of employment.”
February 21st, 2007 at 12:28 am, Kathryn Says:
First, I’m sorry your sick and I plan to buy up stock in the disinfectant industry.
I love this review. I think that parenting and relationship books often tend to oversimplify things in a biased way towards their target audience - women. They seek to validate the preconceptions of the people most likely to purchase their book, rather than providing a fair treatment of the subject matter.
February 21st, 2007 at 7:36 am, Suburban Turmoil Says:
I’m reading this book right now- You bring up some very interesting points.
I’m actually really enjoying the book, largely because it’s making me appreciate the husband I have, who’s doing the lion’s share of seemingly EVERYTHING right now while I groan around the house with a 36-week pregnant belly.
You’re right though, when I think about it, there does seem to be a lot of (humorous, but still) fingerpointing at the husbands…
February 21st, 2007 at 11:16 am, bon Says:
Heh… as far as keeping score? I have three little girls who think their daddy walks on water and is dipped in chocolate! The second he comes home he is mobbed by the squealing masses and I get to breathe, check my email, and pee in peace. Where is the tit for tat in THAT?
I too, have been troubled by the whole “leave for a weekend and see how HE likes it” bit. I have five years of experience at this job and survival tricks that he knows nothing of! I know for DARN sure that I couldn’t go and do the programming he does without education and experience that I do not have.
February 21st, 2007 at 5:01 pm, Dana Says:
I think you are dead on. So true!!
February 22nd, 2007 at 1:02 pm, crunchycarpets Says:
I didn’t really like it either and couldn’t really put my finger on it….it just didn’t speak to me.
I didn’t like the stereotypes.
I reviewed it too.
February 22nd, 2007 at 11:19 pm, MommyWithAttitude Says:
I’m not going to read this book, but I enjoyed your review.
My husband can completely deal with the kids without me — he forgets to serve them vegetables with their meals, refuses to put socks on them for bed, and definitely doesn’t share my cleaning standards — but none of us die from a day or two of this.
I have a tendency to leave some instructions sometimes (PLEASE cover their feet, it’s freezing in here! A piece of chicken is NOT a “meal.”) — and I should try to be better about that I guess.
March 2nd, 2007 at 2:53 pm, Jamie Says:
yeah,
I don’t care if he does things the same as I do them…I just want the garbage taken out and for him to at least be able to take care of himself. Like, putting gas in his car at the same time as he buys the chew, so the one check he keeps in his wallet will be enough for that day. He’s like having a fifth child around, I swear.