November 22, 2005
have a Cookie
Last night, as we were contemplating our dinner options (we settled on pizza), Wade said, ‘I don’t think Charlie should have any treats tonight.’
‘I thought you said he had a good day?’
‘He did. But as far as I can tell, all he’s eaten since breakfast is three cookies and a brownie.’
Well okay! He did not eat the sandwiches (when I asked how his feast was, he said, ‘Great! I did not eat a sandwich’) nor did anyone else; he brought virtually every damn one home. But we’re not eating them–as Wade pointed out, you can’t tell how many were actually touched by a random three-year-old. And it is flu season, after all.
So Charlie was jumping off the furniture until bedtime, when he crashed immediately into a serious post-sugar coma. But he didn’t get out of bed ONCE last night! Maybe the bedtime solution is more sugar during the day? Today, of course, we have much to do in preparation for the Thanksgiving holiday, so I will be giving him some of Henry’s meds to counteract any lingering sugar effect (I’m kidding, people, really. If anyone is going to take Henry’s meds, it’s me. No, still kidding).
Henry and I spent yesterday at the OU Child Study Center, where he had his full-body workup (results guaranteed in ten to fourteen days). We were there for over seven hours, and Henry was a trooper, although the lovely lovely neuropsychologist did confirm my sense that he’s STILL not on ENOUGH medication–he was peaceful and charming in the morning, but at some point shortly after the lunch break he stood on the table in her office. Twice. Ha ha ha! While he was having the bejesus tested out of him (IQ tests, language assessment, swimsuit competition, the works), I was reading magazines in the waiting room, which SHOULD have been fun! Yes? I mean, magazines! What could be better!
Except for this: they were all PARENTING magazines. Okay, so what else would you expect at a pediatric diagnostic center? But if you’re AT the Child Study Center killing time during the barrage of tests, you clearly have a child who is NOT following the typical trajectory for a child of his or her age, and thus a child who is NOT described by these magazines. Seriously, if my problems with Henry could be solved by the wonderful people at Better Parenting* magazine, don’t you think I would have saved my money and gone with their very chipper suggestions about discipline and Introducing New Foods? Unfortunately, they don’t seem to be able to help me. AND they make me feel like a failure as a parent. Go figure!
So there I am, reading about how Changing Your Discipline Approach (do the opposite of what you usually do! It works! Really!) will actually allow your children to discipline THEMSELVES and thinking, whatever, lady, let me drop MY kids at your house for three days and see how this whole let-them-work-it-out-themselves works with the kid with no social skills when I see it: Cookie magazine.
You’ve seen this, yes? If not, take a Mommy Break this weekend and flip through it (note that I did NOT say ‘buy it’–go to the bookstore and get a nice caffe au lait and LOOK at it. But really, save your $3.50). It’s like Vogue meets Parents meets Real Simple; it bills itself as ‘inspiration and information for the woman within the mother.’ I don’t even know what that MEANS! But they suggest that your husband should buy you lingere for Christmas–specifically a $500.00 camisole (it’s sparkly!) and $300.00 ‘tap pants’ (do the tap shoes come with them? and do I actually have to TAP in those things? ’cause they’re mighty small, especially for my Mom Ass). And they swear this is lingere we will like to wear. Really? To do what, exactly? I mean, for $800.00, I should be going to a party in this lingere. At the White House.
Speaking of parties, here’s a really GOOD idea from the nice folks at Cookie for your baby’s first birthday: have a COCKTAIL PARTY! For your (apparently childless) friends! The first birthday is, after all, when ‘you, too, settle comfortably–even confidently–into the role of parent. In addition to the celebration of your child’s birth, think of the event as a toast to your rebirth as an adult.’ You know, drag out your Price Upon Request cocktail dress and drink until you can’t remember where you put the baby! What fun!
What the hell is that all about? Comfortable? Confident? My rebirth as an adult? And I need a silk cocktail dress for all of this? Well no wonder I feel like such a bad mother–I thought the birthday parties were about the BABY, not me, AND I’m not dressed right! Thank god I know NOW! So since I have all those mini-sandwiches in the fridge, I think I’ll just throw together a cocktail party for the kids this weekend. To reclaim my adulthood and all.
But first I need a doughnut.
*I made that up–I don’t want to pick on any specific parenting magazine. Okay, except for Cookie, but THEY HAD IT COMING. Seriously.
Posted by Susan @ 5:30 am • Uncategorized
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November 22nd, 2005 at 6:23 am, Misfit Hausfrau Says:
Fabulous–I just got a free subscription to Cookie but haven’t gotten a copy yet. I can hardly wait. Sounds like it is right up my demographic alley.
November 22nd, 2005 at 8:46 am, ieatcrayonz Says:
Can’t wait to hear if H won the swimsuit competition. And he stood on the table? Classic.
I’d go browse through the Cookie if I didn’t have to drive 30 minutes into the consumer shopping hell that is south T-town.
November 22nd, 2005 at 8:50 am, Melynda Says:
I guess that the nanny can take care of the baby while the adults are discussing Aspen vs. Gstaad?
(full body shudder!)
I much prefer my own daughter’s 1 year soiree, which included a smasher cake from Kroger covered in copious amounts of Crisco based frosting (which we were later washing out of her hair and ears), burgers cooked by doting daddies, and the not-terribly-exciting-but-always-much-enjoyed-Rotel dip brought over by a neighbor. Oh, and kids! We invited kids. Aren’t we crazy??
November 22nd, 2005 at 9:07 am, MamaChristy Says:
Seriously. You name a magazine for parents about how to retain your adultness while you raise children “Cookie”? What jar of nuts thought that up?
The web site is pretty cool - with the Flash page turning and all - but I turned the page and what was the first thing I saw? You got it: “Gettin’ Lucky in Austin”
Priceless and thanks for sharing this little bit of ridiculousness today!
November 22nd, 2005 at 9:29 am, M&Co. Says:
I’m so with Wade about not eating those sandwiches. All those little Typhoid Mary’s and Typhod Mark’s touching the food. Ick!
November 22nd, 2005 at 9:33 am, Felicity Says:
I hope Cookie chokes on itself. Argh. What’s with that cutesie font lookin’ all like Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster and that ridiculous content? Fecking nutz, man.
November 22nd, 2005 at 11:21 am, mom on a wire Says:
You are so hilarious. I am loving your blog!
November 22nd, 2005 at 11:32 am, Nothing But Bonfires Says:
Yes! At the OB/Gyn’s office, all the magazines are “Baby” and “Child” and “Parenting.” And when I’m at the office to talk about how NOT to need to read those magazines for, oh, a few more years yet, it’s sort of weird. And it makes me a little paranoid. Why can’t they have a good Us Weekly?
November 22nd, 2005 at 3:20 pm, Candace Says:
I hate parenting magazines. I think I’ll start an anti-parenting magazine called “In The Trenches”. And it’ll be all about the agony of putting your kid on meds, and how the other parents judge you for it, and how to keep from breaking down into tears EVERY SINGLE DAY.
And it’ll have recipes for the perfect martini, from you.
November 22nd, 2005 at 4:35 pm, Susan Says:
Sign me up, Misfit. I’ll write the Tantrum-Proof Clothing column (did you know that it’s easier to carry a screaming five-year-old out of a birthday party when you are wearing flat shoes with rubber soles?) and occasional pieces about where NOT to take your hyperactive child (Chuck E. Cheese, for example) and what to say to well-meaning family and friends who say, ‘There’s nothing wrong with him! You just need to lighten up!’ (’bite me!’, while tempting, is usually not a great idea).
I swear to god we would make MILLIONS.
November 22nd, 2005 at 5:02 pm, theyellowwallpaper Says:
I’ve got to agree with an earlier comment that the name Cookie is seriously lame. Especially if it’s supposedly aimed at adults. I can’t imagine dropping that much coin on underwear. But, from your description, I am sooooo not their demographic!
November 22nd, 2005 at 7:41 pm, Dawn Says:
I will be happy to write a little sumthin-sumthin for the “In the Trenches”. I am happy to add to the piece on the meds
(OH BTW susan, Adderall can supress appetite - and my hearty congrats for getting through the Testing day - I tried to write a paper in the lobby on my laptop on ours)
I will add “How the Child Development expert had the “Failure to Thrive” Baby who was 12 pounds at her first birthday cause her breast milk was so shitty” AND, for shits and giggles, we’ll add in
“How the Child Development Expert AND the Sociology PHD came to have a child who refuses to read at age 7″
Whoo Hoo!
November 23rd, 2005 at 1:24 am, the ockers Says:
This happens to our family often (the realisation that we sometimes live off cookies and crap). and Dawn cracks me up!!
November 23rd, 2005 at 6:30 am, Felicity Says:
I want in on “In the Trenches.” I can handle any of the following: How Not to Kill Your Teen even though she’s simultaneously disrespectful and asking for cash;
How to explain to your husband that if he pisses you off by riling the kids up right before bedtime, his chances of sex do, in fact, go down.
I could write bonus stuff on living next door to the in-laws.