here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

* * * * *

Charlie has a friend at school, a charming little girl with wispy blond hair and gigantic blue eyes and round pink cheeks. She loves him, and has told her mother that when she grows up she’s going to marry him. He seems to feel similarly about her, too, once writing her a note, all by himself, that said I LOVE YOU in big preschooler scrawl and then asking if we could mail it to her house.

Yesterday we learned that Charlie’s little friend has been diagnosed with lymphoma. At carpool pickup, a small group of mothers huddled together, whispering over the heads of our children, not wanting them to hear our conversation. We shared what little we knew and wondered what we could do for this wee child and her family. Mostly we just stared at each other in complete shock.

* * * * *

Next week, I am returning to ParentDish. When I left, in October, to write for AisleDash, I swore that I was finished writing about parenting, that I was done having complete strangers call me out for being a terrible mother because my children have an early bedtime and aren’t allowed to leave their toys all over the house. And then there was the commenter who, on a random post about Angelina Jolie’s daughter carrying a tiny Louis Vuitton handbag, suggested that I should find something “more important” to write about. Of course, I thought, because all those thousands of words I had written about autism and literacy and breastfeeding weren’t very important.

* * * * *

When I started this blog, in 2005, I was feeling overwhelmed and isolated; I felt like a terrible parent, not because I put my kids to bed early or kept them on a schedule or said no to them, but because being a parent can be overwhelming and isolating. It’s the nature of the beast, I think, even when you have healthy, happy children and a loving, supportive family life. I started blogging because writing about feeling isolated and overwhelmed, putting the words down somewhere, made me feel a little less isolated and overwhelmed. And then, to my great surprise, other people started reading what I was writing, and to my even greater surprise, they understood, they got it, they were feeling the same way or had felt the same way. And it was like a light in the darkness because while I still felt like a terrible parent some days, I felt less like I was completely failing.

That’s not a new story, I know; mommyblogs are all about community and connection and about a whole generation of women who have found a way to talk about what it means to be the mommy, for better or worse. I am going back to ParentDish because it’s a great job, but I am also going back because that community — the bloggers, the readers who understand, who get it — is an important one and one I believe in, and one that we all need at some point, because the work of carrying someone else’s heart around, all the time, everywhere — and that’s what we do as parents, really — is so very difficult, even at the best of times.

* * * * *

Last night, after dinner, we took the kids to the park. Charlie and my niece were on the teeter totter together, screaming with laughter as they bounced up and down, Charlie hanging on with his one good arm. And my niece said, “Charlie, you are my BEST FRIEND. You are the BEST COUSIN EVER. I love you, Charlie.”

And Charlie said, “Thanks Ellie! I love you too!”

I can’t stop thinking about Charlie’s little friend and her family. I know that the community at our school and at the church will take care of them, I know that people are praying for them and pulling for them. My mommy heart just aches for them.

I’m also experimenting, again, with water resistant but not waterPROOF formulas; I am still skeptical that there is a water RESISTANT formula that will actually stay on all day, but I am optimistic at heart. And I read in the new Lucky magazine that wearing waterproof mascara every day can dry out your lashes, which is NOT something I need to be worrying about.

At all.

Currently I am wearing Clinique’s High Impact Mascara, not because I have any insight about Clinique’s mascaras but because my mom recently bought so much stuff at the Clinique counter that they gave her THREE gifts-with-purchase, and she brought me one, and there was a mascara in the cute pink makeup bag. So after I read the dire warnings about waterproof mascara (it will make your lashes BREAK OFF! the horror!) I dug out this free mascara because why not? How bad can it be?

It’s not bad, really. Although by the end of the day, I do have a little bit of raccoon face going on. But since my day begins at 5:00 am and ends at like 10:30, it’s no wonder I have mascara on my face, is it?

Metalia has recommended Maybelline’s Define-A-Lash; she likes the rubbery brush, and I am charmed by the hot pink tube. She swears that she’s wearing it without any flaking or raccooning, and I believe her because she is a product goddess. So that’s on my short list as well.

Also! I bought a box of false eyelashes earlier this week! Because I’m not going to have a boob job, so I’m thinking that maybe longer, thicker lashes might be the key to eternal youth. But I’m a little unnerved by the fact that the lashes came with GLUE but not REMOVER. Should I be worried about that? How do I get the lashes OFF at the end of the day? Help me, Internet.

And recommend some mascara while you’re at it.

Torrential rainstorm during carpool.

Half an hour of having Chris try to explain how I can change my blog’s header (still not changed! not Chris’ fault though).

Six minutes of the Today Show pointing out that mommyblogging is the Next Big Thing, and an Easy Money Maker! Plus the added bonus of Kathie Lee Gifford telling the world that she doesn’t know how a computer works and she isn’t sure Heather Armstrong should be talking about her daughter in such a public way — woo good thing Kathie Lee never talked about HER kids in a public forum (banging my head on the table repeatedly did NOT hurt the mascara! amazing).

Hair cut and color (it’s even this time! woo! and since I’m a “mommyblogger” I get to write about things like that).

Forty five minute conference call, during which I did laundry (multi-tasking, you all).

Eye doctor appointment for kid (because we don’t go to the doctor ENOUGH around here).

Playdate with cute neighbor child (honestly an extra kid is SO MUCH EASIER — like a wee affordable babysitter).

Tornado emergency, which included strapping the bicycle helmets on the kids and piling them into the bathroom, where Henry IMMEDIATELY decided he needed to pee and my cell phone stopped working and Charlie finally realized that tornadoes are SCARY SCARY THINGS.

The tornado emergency was the real test: 125 mph straight line winds! and actual tornadoes! in my neighborhood! or close at least, but it was hard for the Storm Trackers to see because of the torrential rain and the fog! Either way, it was hard not to wonder if we were going to die. Or just lose our roof. (Neither happened, although my neighbor and I are mad that we didn’t run out and push the fence between our houses over, because we really want a new one, and 125 mph winds seem like a fence disaster waiting to happen.) My mascara was most certainly tested to its not-waterproof limits.

Tonight, when Wade got home, I said, “These are the days that you should be glad we have a good marriage. Because under different circumstances, a storm like that very well could be the last straw.”

Oh no wait, the Today Show already WAS the last straw. My bad.

Henry: Dad, how did you know that Charlie’s arm was broken?

Charlie: Because it was BENT!

Me: Whoa, stop. Please.

Henry: But did you KNOW it was broken?

Wade: Yes.

Henry: How?

Charlie: IT WAS BENT!

Me: STOP. Please.

Henry: Come on, Dad, tell me. How did you know that Charlie’s arm was broken?

Charlie: Henry, he knew because it was BENT. Like THIS.

Me: OH MY GOD I AM BEGGING YOU TO STOP NOW.

Henry: How much was it bent? Like this? Or more like this?

Charlie: It was TOTALLY bent, just like this–

Me: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STOP NOW PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU.

And then Wade choked on his dinner because he was laughing so hard. The end.

For the last little while, by which I mean, oh, as long as we have lived in this house, which is nearly a YEAR now, you all, my laptop battery has been crapping out on me. Recently, like since my trip to New York, it started lasting a total of 11 minutes from the time I unhooked it from the wall plug (does that thing have a name? I’m sure it does) until it went into the Sleep of Death and demanded that I plug it back in if I wanted to finish whatever I was working on. I constantly had to find a plug if I wanted to work, which kind of limited where I could sit during the work day.

Oddly, this didn’t really bother me, because apparently my memory is very short and I had completely FORGOTTEN how much I loved things like taking the iBook into the sunroom to read my email or browse at J. Crew or sit on the sofa and IM with Chris about things we had talked about on the phone an hour earlier.

Oh and work. That too.

On Friday, I finally dragged myself to the Apple store and had a Genius diagnose the problem (the battery, she is dead! shocking, I know). As an aside, this is my second Apple Genius Bar experience, and while both Geniuses were professional and helpful, they both had the personality of a turnip and absolutely NO sense of humor. I’m funny, you all, especially when I am talking about my relationship to technology, but neither of these guys so much as cracked a smile. Apple, would it KILL you to teach the Geniuses to be smart AND funny? I think not.

Then again, the Geniuses fixed my beloved iBook, twice, so what am I bitching about? I have no idea.

Also last week, I was offered a job, a really good job, but in my dead battery state I didn’t think I could commit to it. And then I started to think that I couldn’t even keep up with the work I was currently committed to do so I cut back on a few things, and then I started to have some kind of Existential Crisis about, oh, I don’t know, EVERYTHING because OMG I CAN’T KEEP UP AND MY BATTERY IS DEAD. And I said no to the job.

And while I knew that it was the right thing to do, I also wondered if it was the wrong thing to do.

I lucked out, because after I declined the job they came back and offered it to me again. And when I told Wade, he said, “Take it. You know you want to.” And I realized that he was right. I do.

You know, now that I’ve got that new battery and everything.

Wade: I’m going outside.

Me: To look for the tornado?

Wade: No, to pull some weeds in the yard.

Me: Okaaaaay …

Wade: That way the yard will look nice when the tornado takes the house.

Me: Oh, right.