June 21, 2007
Elise, I swear I’m not trying to scare you
Charlie woke up from his unexpected nap yesterday with a fever of 101 point something, which was a surprise, to say the least. We loaded him up with Motrin and I snuggled him for a while, and then Wade started dinner and started a movie and I went to dinner with Christa.
What? You thought I would stay HOME? Dude.
When I got home, the boys were asleep, but around 3:00 am I woke up to pee (Oh, yeah, after you have a baby? you have to pee in the night ALL THE TIME. Or maybe that’s when you get closer to 40. Hmm.) and I went to check on C, who was running a fever, again. At 3:30, HE realized he was running a fever and came and got in bed with me; Wade got Motrin and ice water and went to sleep in the guest bed, even though he had to get up at 5:30 to get ready for work.
And here’s another thing I need to say about being a stay home mom: I wish more people would talk about the Daddies when they’re talking about the Mommies. Leslie Bennetts told us recently that choosing to stay home with our children is the equivalent of dooming those children to a life of poverty because OF COURSE we will wind up divorced and broke. The way to protect ourselves from this reality, Bennetts says, is to keep working, because then we are not dependent on a man who will one day realize that his secretary’s breasts are still where God intended them to be while yours are whacking up against your hipbones.
Or something like that.
This argument drives me berserk. I can’t underline every decision I make with but what will I do when he leaves me? I have to believe that Wade will be there, at the end of the day and in the middle of the night and on the weekends and all the moments in between, to raise these kids with me. Not to HELP me raise them, which assumes that I am in charge all the time, but to do his job as the Other Parent.
Which includes fetching Motrin at three am because the baby (who is five, sure, but is still a baby) is burning up with a Mystery Fever.
Of course, it turns out that Charlie has an ear infection, despite the fact that he hasn’t had a cold or allergies or ANY congestion AT ALL (Wade: HOW is that POSSIBLE? Me: I have NO IDEA) and I feel like my $25.00 copay was money well spent because now we have the drugs (or we will when Wade picks them up on his way home) and all is well.
But dammit, I am tired today. I feel like I drank a fifth of vodka last night, despite the fact that I only had two (TWO!) glasses of wine. And I may possibly be having a glass of wine NOW, because I HAVE EARNED IT. Also because the boys are playing a Hot Wheels video game (Henry) and watching a Veggie Tales movie (Charlie) at the SAME TIME in the SAME ROOM and the noise is giving me a weeeeeeee little headache.
Or maybe it’s just being a mommy. Sometimes that makes my head hurt, too.
Posted by Susan @ 3:30 pm • Uncategorized
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June 21st, 2007 at 4:28 pm, Donna Says:
I’m sorry your little guy is sick. Here’s hoping the script does the trick.
I see your point about assuming the Other Parent will stick around, but surely you realize that with a 50% divorce rate, it simply isn’t in women’s best interests to roll the dice of their economic futures on an even shot?
Look, you’re going to be married forever. So am I. So are all of us, I hope. But the reality of modern life is that half of us are going to end up single again, and being able to do something other than flip burgers in an emergency is in the best interests of our babies.
Enjoy that glass of wine.
June 21st, 2007 at 4:39 pm, Susan Says:
When I was mulling this post in my head, this morning before my coffee, I started to think about the divorce rate and about how you KNOW you’re going to make it. How I know I’m going to make it. And I suppose none of us does.
But more than that, I find myself thinking that if my reason for working is to cover my ass for the day when Wade leaves, that attitude will somehow taint my marriage. I have friends who work because they love their careers, and friends who work because they like the extra pocket money, and friends who work because they make the majority of the household income, and friends who work because they like the intellectual challenge. Bennetts says those are all the wrong reasons. We should work to protect ourselves.
And THEN I wonder if that sense that we have to protect ourself from the 50% divorce rate is actually CONTRIBUTING to the 50% divorce rate. If we (and I don’t just mean women, I mean married people) are all waiting for the other shoe to drop, isn’t the drop inevitable, for some people at least?
I don’t know what the answer is. But I do know this: I love my children and I love being home with them, even on a day when one is cranky and sick and the other is jumping off the furniture. Not that my day was like that or anything. Nooooo . . .
June 21st, 2007 at 5:28 pm, Donna Says:
No, no I see your point. But consider that there is a reason to have a career other than a purely defensive one. IMHO, everyone needs to be able to be self-and-child supporting. That’s just what every person needs to be able to do — like changing a tire, balancing a checkbook, and making a killer margarita. Lifeskills. Whether you choose to use that particular skill at any given time is up to you/me/everyone. But I truly believe that we do ourselves a huge disservice by not being ABLE to be s-a-c supporting. Who knows what life is going to bring, but the more tools we have in our toolbox, the easier it is to fix things if we need to. Or just want to.
Have a great night. I hope everyone lets you sleep.
June 21st, 2007 at 5:46 pm, daysgoby Says:
Who squealed about the Hot Wheels site to your boys?
My babysitters son is in BIG TROUBLE. (Cass’s rallying cry now: Hot Wheels! Beat that!)
Poor Charlie. One of these days he’s going to have to have an ear transplant. Or something.
June 21st, 2007 at 6:22 pm, Anonymous Says:
If you have been swimming this summer it could be where the ear infection sans the symptoms came from. My little brother got them ALL the time from swimming until they put tubes in his ears.
~Dawn~
June 21st, 2007 at 6:31 pm, Melissa Says:
You know, the thing is, you only get so much energy in a day. You can use it worrying that your spouse is going to take off and planning accordingly, or… well, I bet you can think of a few other uses for it.
I’m not sure you can say which is the Best Use of Time, because each of us gets to pick what’s most important to us and go from there.
But isn’t it fun to try to convince everyone else that your way is the best way? Hmmm… maybe only if you’re Leslie Bennetts.
June 21st, 2007 at 6:43 pm, Susan Says:
Donna, I agree–I think that the ability to support a family absolutely NEEDS to be something we all have in our tool box. And then, from there, we can make our own choices.
Damn you’re smart! And so kind, too.
And Dawn, you are the THIRD person today to suggest swimming as the source of the Mystery Ear Infection. Which must mean it’s true.
June 21st, 2007 at 8:46 pm, chris Says:
Isn’t it called swimmer’s ear?
I agree with you about not living like the other shoe is going to drop. All of my friends who have divorced it has been the woman who initiated it.
I also wonder what the point is in getting married if you are going to not be fully invested in it. If youa re constantly communicating to your spouse that theya re going to leave you won’t it become a self fulfilling prophecy?
June 21st, 2007 at 8:58 pm, ADHD Mom Says:
I’m not sure if I have introduced myself yet - I found your blog through WG and I have been an avid reader and fan since. I had to comment on this topic. I am going to work (assuming I get hired)because we need the money. If money were no issue, I would be at home. I am educated in case my husband drops dead tomorrow or leaves me for a younger hottie. I understand your faith in your marriage, and I think that it’s awesome that you are so confident. But just based on what I have read, you do have the skills and ability to earn a nice income in case, God forbid, one day you may hae to. So basically, the point that I am trying to make (after a margarita) is that as long as you are able to pick up slack if and when you need to, staying home while you can, is in my tipsy and humble opinion, perfect.
June 21st, 2007 at 9:20 pm, Mark Says:
Interesting conversation. I think it is a question of commitment. My wife works for three reasons, to pay her student loans (law school!), because we need the income to live at the level we choose to, and because she likes the independence it brings to her, (some get that in other ways.
She is committed to our marriage, as am I. But, it is a second marriage for both of us. So we know that being committed may not be enough. You both have to commit.
It reminds me of a story I read, I believe it is about Coronado, the Spanish explorer. When he got to the new world, he burned his ships. His men were now committed to making it work.
Or the old ham and egg story. The pig is committed, the chicken is involved.
June 21st, 2007 at 11:11 pm, Cathy Says:
I have that exact book on my nightstand. Good grief. I saw her (Bennets) on TV here during an interview. I was sort of pissed off after that. I felt so lame for staying at home. She made ME feel lame, and at risk for ruining my whole family if Dave left/died/dropped me for a younger version type deal. I would love to work PT, parenting a kid with special needs, or greater needs than most sucks up all my free time. Dave is there for me. He was there for me today when I had my first mammogram. He dropped everything and came with me. I do believe that we are going to make it, there really isn’t any other option for us. He is up at 2AM with the screaming 19 month old last night - not me. It is her opinion and she is only one woman. I am glad you posted on this.
June 22nd, 2007 at 12:46 am, elise Says:
Oh Susan, I am blushing
AND, I got swimmer’s ear when I was a kid, like, ALL THE TIME. Once I got it when we (as a family) had taken a 5 hour trek to Dallas to watch a Texas Rangers baseball game. And I kept complaining that my ear really hurt, no REALLY, it does, no I SWEAR, it feels like it’s gonna implode or something….no one believed me, or at least they wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening so that they could watch the baseball game….and then I got a really high fever and threw up.
Oh, kids. If stories like that one scared me, I’d have already scared myself silly using only my own memories.
Btw, I hope you know that I appreciated your last post and enjoyed that it was uplifting and NOT scary. I put that across. Right?
June 22nd, 2007 at 6:36 am, Susan Says:
I should say one thing here, just to be clear: I don’t think that staying home is a better choice than working, or that working is a better choice than staying home. I also don’t think two kids is better than seven or that an early bedtime is better than a late bedtime. Every family makes choices based on what works for them.
BUT–once you’ve made a choice, own it. And, as Elise was pointing out, feel free to own it with joy and happiness, not with a constant reiteration of how HARD it is. What Lindsay was criticizing is this new Mommy Rhetoric of STAYING HOME IS SO HAAAAARD.
That is all. Carry on, because you have such smart things to say.
June 22nd, 2007 at 9:00 am, Donna Says:
Just checking in again, because this thread is incredibly interesting (and I love the blog).
Susan, I’m all for making our choices and not whining about them. Can I get that stitched on a pillow?
Not whining much, anyway.
As for the original premise, that being home with the (normal) kids in a normal (reasonably-well-funded) life is not that hard… uhhhhh…. jeez, I just don’t know. I work part time in a career that I love, and stay home about equally with kids that I adore, and honestly, it’s so hard to say which is easier or harder. Honestly, it truly depends on the day you ask.
I don’t think either is easy (or particularly difficult), though.
My own opinion is that half-and-half is the perfect solution, but it’s damned rare, unfortunately.
June 22nd, 2007 at 9:11 am, Tracy Says:
Susan- I loved this post. I married my husband because I’m crazy about him and we are best friends. Sure, something could happen. No one is immune. But for now, I’d rather trust him than worry all day about whether he’s coming home that night. His health hasn’t been the greatest so we developed a back up plan for “just in case”. I suppose that plan would work even if he decided to leave but that wasn’t the reason we planned it.
I like when you talk about Wade- you speak highly of him even when you tell a funny story about him. Even when you refer to him as “nerdy” it’s with love. That speaks volumes of your (healthy) marriage!
I depend on my husband to be the other parent, too. And I know I can depend on him because he does great daddy things like bringing the 4 year old into our bed last night because he’s spending the weekend at Grandma’s beginning today. And for taking the day off to spend with the 1 year old because they don’t ever get time alone together. He’s a great dad and I’m glad I’ve got him to lean on.
June 22nd, 2007 at 9:19 am, Susan Says:
Donna! I’m so happy you keep coming back!
I want to clarify my (and Lindsay’s) original point (because, as my children say, SHE STARTED IT): the kind of language that women writers are using to describe the experience of staying home with children has gone too far to the negative side, to the exclusion of any really good representations of SAHMdom (as Lindsay calls it). I don’t think either of us is necessarily saying that staying home full time (or part time or any time) is easy; instead, we’re both resisting this new narrative about how being a SAHM is the Hardest Job Ever.
As Katy said, it’s hard, but it would be harder in Darfur.
Like any lifestyle choice, there are good days and bad days (last night Charlie vomited all over me! Hooray!) but so little of the GOOD is making it into mainstream media (which, yes, includes mommyblogs) that the overall picture is skewed.
And Tracy, I keep Wade around solely for comic relief.
June 22nd, 2007 at 11:37 am, Wendy Says:
I can’t underline every decision I make with but what will I do when he leaves me? I have to believe that Wade will be there, at the end of the day and in the middle of the night and on the weekends and all the moments in between, to raise these kids with me. Not to HELP me raise them, which assumes that I am in charge all the time, but to do his job as the Other Parent.
I love this and sums up what I thought of that whole thing.
Hope your “baby” is feeling better soon. And if I know those drugs, and I do, then I know he will be jumping around in no time.
June 22nd, 2007 at 11:48 am, apostrophe s Says:
My experience:
I stayed at home with my kids for six years.
Husband and I split up. (Yes, I thought it was forever, too).
I was screwed.
But I had to pick myself back up, and coast for a few months with savings. Then I took in extra kids after school for money so I can continue to SAH.
Money running out. Sell the ‘marital home’ - thankfully make a profit. Panic about what to do with my life. Take the kids and live in Norway for four months. Spend the rest of my money and max up all my credit cards.
(Now it is important to note that while I was at home with the kids, I kept in touch with old work contacts by email, went for lunch, etc, and was involved with kids’ school, new moms group - as a volunteer).
I return home with my kids, broke and with no place to live. Because of I kept in touch with old workmates, they tell me of a position. I go for the interview. I get the job (DESPITE my six years at home). I am making 2.5 times the money I made before I had kids.
This story can go on and on (second marriage, another kid), but my point is that one is not necessarily doomed financially if a SAHM and husband leaves. Unpaid work counts. Networking works. I may the exception, but that’s my story.
June 22nd, 2007 at 12:04 pm, Homestead Says:
Where does that 50% divorce rate number come from anyway? I look around…. I don’t see half our married friends split up…. I don’t see half my parents’ married friends split up….
Is it a certain demographic? Am I out of the loop? Is it “starter” marriages? Come to think of it… I do know several couples who had, ahem, short-term, marriages early on and are now part of a long-term couple…. Is it calculating in multiple divorces? Hell, I figure keeping Zsa Zsa Gabor and Elizabeth Taylor in the equation probably does more to safe guard my marriage than counseling, cooking dinner & sexual favors combined…
I’m just sayin’…that stat has been around a long time and I’ve never thought to question where it came from or if it is still accurate.
And you know what makes me batty? (Among other things…) When people refer to a father watching his kids as “baby sitting” and are so impressed and proud of him.
I don’t know what that had to do with the conversation going on here but someone just said something stupid in the real world and I had to vent….
June 22nd, 2007 at 12:49 pm, Susan Says:
Apostrophe S, I LOVE that story, not because it’s a great story (it sounds pretty hellish, actually) but because it is a COMPLETE story, one that ranges across various complications and solutions. It’s too easy to say, “When a couple divorces, the woman’s standard of living drops while the man’s rises.” It’s also too easy to say, “Women should work just in case.”
How about this: Divorce is hard on families, emotionally AND financially. And women–adult people IN GENERAL–should ALWAYS have a back-up plan, for an illness or accident or divorce or whatever life may throw at you. And while you can’t live in fear, you can’t ignore reality.
Donna said that the ability to work was like the ability to make a good margarita–you never know when you’ll need it, but when the occasion arises, it’s a good skill to have.
Amen.
June 22nd, 2007 at 2:12 pm, Donna Says:
Amen, indeed.
Perfectly put, Susan.
BTW, unlike other unpredictabilities in life, hopefully we all have an idea of exactly when we’ll next need our margarita-blending skills. Isn’t that the Girl Scout Motto? Be Prepared (To Make A Margarita). Or something.
June 22nd, 2007 at 2:57 pm, Susan Says:
I’m feeling like I’m pretty prepared for a margarita right about now. Unfortunately, all I have is the will, not the fixings, which is a problem.
See? Donna is right! BE PREPARED!
June 22nd, 2007 at 5:46 pm, plain(s)feminist Says:
The divorce rate is NOT 50% - that’s where the media and bad statistics will get you. The number of divorces in a given year are about half the number of marriages in a given year. That is a totally different statistic. It does not mean that half of all marriages end in divorce. (I think the actual divorce rate is something like 2.5%, but don’t quote me on that.)
That said, when you wrote “I have to believe that Wade will be there,” you kind of lost me. It’s not that I think we should spend our lives thinking about “what will I do if he leaves me,” but I do think that women, perhaps especially SAHMs, should plan their financial futures so that they won’t be left with nothing if there is a divorce, a death, a disability, or unemployment. All of these things can and do happen. The point isn’t to bank on the uncertainty of a marriage, but rather to plan so that if that income isn’t there, there’s a back-up.
Yes, I do think that all women should be trained for some sort of career for this eventuality. That’s a belief, though, and not necessarily the way I live my life. (I’ve just spent the last 5 years working part-time because I’m reluctant to go into another career and the job market in my career sucks. This has turned out to be both a smart career move and dumb financial move, so go figure.)
June 23rd, 2007 at 12:07 am, Cathy Says:
off topic (I checked back to see what everyone said) - but can you do a post of some of the websites and/or video games you let your kids partake in? I checked out hotwheels. I was playing. Do you need to buy cars to get a code? (I think we need to share codes if that is the case) what’s the deal. Do you have some more neat websites where the boys can play games? thanks Susan.