February 21, 2008
different
Henry got up this morning at 5:30, put on his headlamp, and went into Charlie’s room to get him up so they could play. Unfortunately, Charlie was STILL SLEEPING and was righteously indignant about the light shining in his eyes. When I hissed at Henry to leave Charlie alone, he started to yell and cry because I am MEAN TO HIM and it was ALL CHARLIE’S FAULT.
You all have begged me to tell you that having the kids in school is easier than when they were home all the time, please please don’t say it’s still hard please, and in some ways yes, it is certainly easier, but in other ways no it isn’t.
That’s probably not what you wanted to hear.
When Heather was here this summer, I said that I didn’t know how women who worked full time managed. I had always imagined — nay, planned! — that when the youngest child started school full time, I would go back to work. It seemed so easy: the boys would be in school all day, so why shouldn’t I get a job? But the first year of full-day school was so much harder than we ever imagined, and often ended with Henry coming home at lunchtime, and then there were all the days that there was no school and all the OTHER days when someone was sick and …
I couldn’t do it, I told Heather, I couldn’t work full time AND take care of my kids. And she said, Yes you could. If you had to. Maybe, I said, I guess you’re right.
She was. Because the whole secret of parenting is that we do what we have to. That’s how we survive.
This year, my kids are both in school, full time. I am working nearly full-time, but only during the hours that they are in school (and in the evening and on some weekends, but you know what I mean). The mornings are a rush because there are so many things to get done before they leave the house and before I have to sit down and write write write. So yes, that first three hours is a madhouse.
But then there are the seven — SEVEN! — hours where I am all alone. I can think in complete sentences. I can talk on the phone without having to yell at anyone. I can eat lunch without having to get anyone a glass of milk. I do not have to play Twenty Questions until I think my ears will bleed.
So yes, it does get easier. Sort of.
I don’t really think there is an “easier” in parenting. There is certainly a lot of “different” and there are all those phases that god help me I never want to return to, but there’s always something. I’ve traded diapers for dioramas, and they both wear me out.
And some things never change: I am still resentful when I feel like I am doing the lion’s share of the hard work — not the laundry or the cleaning, but the emotionally draining parts, like dealing with Henry’s tantrum at 5:30 this morning. Because even though I am working, and even though my husband is fully engaged in parenting these kids, the early morning is still when I am the mom, full time, and it is still exhausting.
But then at the end of the day, Henry reads to me or Charlie brings me twenty books to read to him, or they both listen completely fascinated while Wade reads a long boy book to them. Henry asks really complicated questions like How old is the Universe? and Charlie wraps himself in his blanket and sucks his thumb and leans against me. And I can see how they are growing and learning and it is such a relief to see how independent they are, and such a joy to see how much they still need us. And in that moment, it all seems so much easier.
It is entirely possible that at 5:00 am, nothing is easy or better. Maybe that is the real lesson here.
Posted by Susan @ 1:08 pm • those damn kids
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February 21st, 2008 at 1:52 pm, Karla Says:
Good lord, at 5:00 AM, all I can think about is coffee, and why the coffee isn’t brewing faster, and how maybe getting my mug ready with milk and sugar will help pass the time between the pot brewing and coffee in my belly.
I can honestly say, I don’t think I am ready for the morning school rush if it does not involved a full 20 minutes where I can zone out and drink at least two cups of coffee.
February 21st, 2008 at 2:05 pm, All Adither Says:
My lids peel back over my eyeballs.
February 21st, 2008 at 2:15 pm, Margaret Says:
You forgot to mention Scouts, and soccer, and music lessons, and birthday parties, and teacher in-service days, and snow days, and school fundraisers and a bunch of other things that make the diaper years seem simpler, if not actually easier.
But I also think all those horrible sleepless nights of early motherhood can instill a kind of amnesia. In the middle of yet another reptile diorama, we just *think* it’s harder now because we’re too brain-damaged to remember how hard those early years really were.
February 21st, 2008 at 2:33 pm, heather Says:
You hit it on the head with pointing out there is a difference between emotional tasks of parenting and the logical tasks. It was like a lightbulb went off over my head - that’s it! - that’s why I’m so tired even though my husband washes bottles in the evening.
February 21st, 2008 at 2:37 pm, Jenn @ Juggling Life Says:
One of my professors has this saying when she talks about teaching writing to kids. The kids always say, “It’s hard!” And she says, “Yep. Now lets get to it.” I think parenting is a lot like that. And after all, the alternative would be not parenting, and I don’t think you want that!
February 21st, 2008 at 3:28 pm, Susie Says:
I don’t think I was looking for easier…I definitely was looking for different. A few more “me” minutes than the non-stop mommy show I have now with the toddler and infant. And I totally agree with Heather regarding emotional vs physical.
February 21st, 2008 at 3:35 pm, BethanyWD Says:
I almost crapped my pants when I read something from you the other day where you said that you rise at 5am EVERYDAY. Is that true? OMG. I get up at the last possible moment (around 6:10am) in order to get us all out of the house by 7:15am. I am anal about everything being ready (from my clothes, to the kids clothes, to lunches, etc.) being ready the night before. But you are right, we moms do what we have to do.
February 21st, 2008 at 4:14 pm, Sue Says:
You are right ~ it does get different, not necessarily easier. And less physically challenging and more emotionally challenging. But I am still REALLY looking forward to the day when I drop them ALL off at school for the whole day. (I still have a ways to go.) Big KUDOS to WOHMs who keep all those balls in the air. I can’t do it and I hardly ever leave the house! (And to people who can get up and be functional at 5am! Yikes!)
February 21st, 2008 at 4:38 pm, Emily Says:
Someone asked me the other day if my it was easier now that my son was older. I said, “Well, he’s not attached to my boob all day anymore but now we have to deal with discipline.” So it’s a give and take.
My mom would say her most difficult time of parenting is now that my brother and I are grown and making our own decisions that she doesn’t always agree with and sometimes it breaks her heart. I guess the lesson is we never stop being parents!
February 21st, 2008 at 7:52 pm, gorillabuns Says:
If anyone wakes up at 5am in our household, I turn on the T.V., curl up on the couch and snooze for another couple of hours.
And I wonder why my children don’t know their ABC’s….
February 21st, 2008 at 10:15 pm, Heather B. Says:
I think the whole you work all day/get up at 5 AM every day is what compels me to want to move in and be your personal assistant. Also because of the Sonic and the Target the size of Dubai.
As one of the few reading who has seen you in action; you have done it and you’ve done an amazing job at it. I only hope to be as good as you are - balancing the two - someday.
And dear God, please let that ’someday’ be after 2018.
February 22nd, 2008 at 8:00 am, standing still Says:
I think it will get better when the children respond to caffeine. You will pour them a thick cup of coffe, and the three of you will sit and wake up together. Then, they will have enough brain cells to do their thing while you do yours. Of course, they will be visiting your house wile on vacation with their families, but still. It will be better.
February 22nd, 2008 at 8:01 am, standing still Says:
coffee
while
sorry
February 22nd, 2008 at 9:15 am, jody Says:
I have a secret….it never gets easier. Buwhaahahhhahahahahh.
It gets different… more emotionally draining…… when they become independant little teens. Your mind goes into overdrive, and you lay on your back at 1am staring at the ceiling worrying about IT ALL. Do they have nice friends. Are they happy? Why can’t I have a conversation with him in which every question I ask is not answered with “fine” and thats it. Why is that little 13yo girl e-mailing him and why in the Sam Hell did he email her back asking her to “go” with him. Go with him? Where? How? He still plays with Bionicles for cying out loud. How do you “go” with someone who plays with toys still????
But then he will walk up to you, standing almost as tall as you are, and he will put his arms around you, put his head on your shoulders and say “I love you, Mom” and all will be well…at least for that moment in time.
February 22nd, 2008 at 9:46 am, Pamela Says:
Thanks for keepin’ it real, Susan. You are so right that all of parenting is hard during different stages and in different ways. And each stage brings with it it’s own batch of wonderful, too.
February 22nd, 2008 at 9:49 am, mark Says:
The emotional/physical makes a lot of sense to me. I know that my daughter expects/demands/needs different things from me than my wife.
February 23rd, 2008 at 8:08 am, Jenny Says:
Bravo Jody! That’s exactly how I feel. And guess what? When they are 18 and about to leave for college, you worry even more.
February 23rd, 2008 at 8:40 pm, Daisy Says:
Hmm. Right now, you don’t want them waking up at 5:30 AM. In a few (okay, several) years, you’ll be on their cases to get up before noon! This, too, shall pass, but there will always be something.