June 16, 2008
damned
Over the weekend, the New York Times magazine carried an article on parents who are splitting the work of being a family precisely 50/50. They have made choices — about work and child care and laundry — that allow them to each carry exactly half the burden of being married and raising children and paying the bills.
I have to admit that I read the article with my eyes rolled back into my head because COME ON WHO ARE WE KIDDING? You can’t split life 50/50, and fair is not always the same as equal. The article talks about couples who track who does what and for how long on color-coded computer programs, to guarantee an equal division of labor.
Oh please. Give me a break.
But maybe my problem isn’t with the elaborate schedules for housework and child care (after all, who WOULDN’T want a little more help with the dishes?) but with my own current sense that I will never get a handle on things, and that I am doomed.
Or damned, if you will.
This is the first summer since Henry was born that I have ever had any kind of formalized child care; it is also the first summer since Henry was born that I have worked. And I am working, a good 35 hours a week, which is full-time in my book. Oh sure, I get to work from home, in my flip flops and ball cap, and the days that the kids aren’t at camp, I sometimes work from the pool, sending emails from a shady spot on the deck while the boys jump off the diving board. But still, working, every day. And as long as the boys go to camp, things sort of work out. Pretty much. Mostly.
Except that I don’t think camp is working out.
Last week Charlie told me that his class didn’t go outside to play; he also said that they are taking a nap in the afternoon, which is odd since they are all in kindergarten and first grade. Henry’s class appears to spend most of their day playing computer games in the classroom, or watching movies.
Neither kid hates camp, but neither of them loves it. Charlie goes reluctantly, and Henry complains every day because I won’t let him take his Nintendo with him. Good times.
Today I had a word with the director, who admitted that Henry’s class has some “classroom management issues” which seems to mean that the junior counselors who are in charge of his group don’t know what the hell they’re doing. I mentioned Charlie’s class and the nap and the not playing outside and she seemed surprised but promised to look into it.
I have become That Mom. The guilty one who complains. THAT mom.
I love my job; I love the work I do. It’s interesting and intellectually challenging and fun. But today I hate that I am settling for half-assed day care so that I can work, I hate that I am choosing my job over my kids (because yes, that’s what it feels like). I hate that I am wasting my money so my kids can sit around somewhere else and do nothing.
I’m probably making camp sound worse than it is, but that’s how it feels today.
The couples profiled in the Times talked about the choices they had made, choices to make less money and work fewer hours to have more time to be there for the family. And here’s where I really feel bad: I’m not willing to give up my job to be with my kids more. I love my kids, fiercely and joyously, but when I was the mommy full-time, I felt like I gave up some big part of me, the part that made me a whole person. Yes I hate the juggle right now and yes I wish camp were different and more challenging, but I’m not walking away from my job because of that.
I may, however, walk away from camp.
I’m thinking I will pull the kids out, after I come home from BlogHer (they have to go until then, because I have too much to do and because the week I am gone Wade will be working). But after that, why can’t they stay home with me? Why can’t I just make this work, all these pieces?
It’s not equal, but maybe it’s more fair. At least for my kids, who are wasting their summer doing nothing.
I’m feeling frustrated today, because I know what the right answer is and I know it will make life better and worse, all at once. I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I wonder if 50/50 parenting solves that dilemma?
I doubt it.
Posted by Susan @ 12:46 pm • home sweet home, those damn kids
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June 16th, 2008 at 1:23 pm, HeatherK Says:
I started skimming the article and never got back to finish it. What I gleaned was that for me for the 50/50 thing to even have half a chance of working would be to give up ‘my way’ of getting things done. Not ready to let that kind of chaos rule the house. I hate the dilemma you’re in. I hate the camp for not having it’s act together so you don’t have to worry about what they aren’t doing for your kids while you’re trying to work. I mean, it’s not like you’re paying them or anything. Oh wait…
June 16th, 2008 at 1:33 pm, Shan Says:
You poor thing. This kind of situation would truly drive me to distraction. I always say this, but my kids are young (just turned 4 and almost 2) and they’re not really old enough yet to be in these kinds of situations, but I can TOTALLY IMAGINE IT SOME DAY. And I know that it would kill me. I, too, am the mom who would complain about naps and not going outside and movies. Or else I’d second guess myself and NOT complain, in an effort to NOT be that mom, only to later kick myself for ignoring my intuition, which is always right in these situations! When my inner voice says to be that mom, it means something worth complaining about is going on!
OK, so…the camp thing would eat at my gut. I am one of those people who HAS given up my job to be with my kids more, and thus avoid the guilt and drama of half-assed childcare. I don’t feel like a part of me is missing when I’m not working, not really, not yet (which isn’t to say that I might not prefer some work for financial and creative reasons). But of course there’s all sorts of OTHER guilt and drama, instead of the half-assed childcare guilt and drama. Can we ever win? I fear not. It’s always such a struggle. Sending you strength and good wishes.
June 16th, 2008 at 2:14 pm, Rebecca Says:
Ick. I’m sorry the camp isn’t working out. Your statement about feeling like you were missing a part of yourself that made you a whole person. I feel that a lot. I’m glad you found the missing piece!
June 16th, 2008 at 2:43 pm, Catherine Says:
I’m *that* mom too. Some of it’s that I don’t like being sold one thing only to have another delivered. And some of it is that I don’t want my kids being treated in a particular manner. Recently I had to have a series of talks with a teacher and the two directors about my son being the youngest in the classroom and maybe they could work a little more on “using our words” than punishing for not using our words. My kid needed more guidance, plain and simple. But you’d think I’d grown a second head when I broached the subject.
Remember though, happy mommy means happy kids. Plain and simple. You know better than others what needs to happen in your family to make it hum.
June 16th, 2008 at 2:49 pm, Susie Says:
It’s sort of lame but the saying “You never know til you try” comes to mind. You may be able to figure a schedule that totally works! Or you may be frazzled and anxiously awaiting school in September. But you would be awaiting school in September ANYWAY. Doesn’t every parent?
June 16th, 2008 at 3:46 pm, All Adither Says:
Sometimes everyone HAS to be that mom. As long as it’s not you all the time, there’s nothing wrong with it. We have to advocate for our kids.
And I feel the same way you do about work and being a full time mommy. Only I don’t have the work part of the puzzle figured out just yet. Still looking for just the right blogging type of job.
Good luck. And AWESOME post!
June 16th, 2008 at 4:31 pm, Margaret Says:
Oh, honey, do I feel your pain! But you have more than these two options, I promise. There are better camps than the one you found, the kind of camp where kids go joyfully and let Mom work guilt-free. They aren’t cheap, though, so I compromise by choosing half-day camps that let me get the part of my work done that can’t easily be accomplished to the accompaniment of juvenile background noises, and then I do the other part of my job at the pool in the shade.
And when push comes to shove, there’s always Netflix and Nintendo. And tequila.
June 16th, 2008 at 5:35 pm, Stephanie Says:
Susan,
Ugh, on your behalf. I’m sorry the camp is being lame, that is no good at all. I so relate to you when you write “I felt like I gave up some big part of me, the part that made me a whole person…”
that is where I am right now. I’ve been off work and staying home for the last two years; I will be home again next year.
While I absolutely love my daughter and can’t imagine leaving her with someone else, at the same time, I also feel a little like I’ve exchanged a part of myself to become an indentured servant to a toddler.
Sometimes all I want to do is have an adult conversation that doesn’t include my answering the question, “what goes in the diaper bag?”
June 16th, 2008 at 6:27 pm, Yvie Says:
I’m sometimes like that mom too. I can’t say that I do not complain or go frustrated but I do.
I hope all things go well in your side. I’ve seen that article before. It takes two to be a team on this and it doesn’t hurt to try this.
June 16th, 2008 at 7:06 pm, mamalang Says:
I’ve been that mom recently. But after 6 1/2 years of paying fees to the same daycare, I feel I have the right to be that mom. Not in a pain in the patoukis way, but in that I know what I should be getting, and that’s what I’ll get way. And that camp…if you’re paying any kind of money, that isn’t what you should get. I do understand that feeling though. I need my life outside my kids.
June 16th, 2008 at 7:38 pm, Sue Says:
I can so relate to that part too, about giving up a part of yourself that makes you a whole person. I am just getting to the point where there I will be able to take back something for myself. It is something essential.
I have been a WOH, WAH and SAH mom. Different situation were right for us at different times, but each one is a stuggle in its own way. I have never found what I would call balance. It’s a tug of war. Sometimes my work would pull harder and sometimes my kids would.
You are there for your kids when they are sick or hurt or really need you. And even though their camp situation may not be the best (and we have HAD that camp, and I was THAT mom too… movies? WTH?), they are ok. They are safe and happy and entertained. And you are getting the time that you need to be a complete person, which only makes you a better mom. (And keep complaining, because, really, how hard is it to entertain little kids! Argh.)
Hang in there. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.
June 16th, 2008 at 7:44 pm, Velma Says:
You’ll figure it out. And don’t forget to think “long haul.” There are self-reliant things they can learn by being in places they don’t particularly like, especially if it’s not for the whole summer.
June 16th, 2008 at 8:17 pm, Carla Hinkle Says:
That totally sucks.
But I would not give up my job, either. I work from home 15-20 hours per week and I *totally* have childcare. And my 4 year old goes to day camp. And when I am the 100% time mommy? I get short and snappish and am no fun for anyone.
Isn’t there another camp? Even if it is only for mornings? Or a college student you can hire to take them to the pool, museum, park, etc?
I hope you find a 3rd way …
June 17th, 2008 at 12:41 am, Working mother’s dilemma Says:
[…] camp for her boys isn’t what she expected it to be, yet she needs them to be there in order to get her job done each day. It’s a struggle that […]
June 17th, 2008 at 3:46 am, Missy Says:
There’s no way things can be exactly 50/50, but as long you can divise a fair system that works, who cares.
As for camp, the whole point of summer is to be outside, all day every day. No way should they be inside all day. When I worked at a sleepaway camp, us and the campers were ready for rest/sleeps by the afternoons, but if they’re inside all day, I don’t think they could be wearing themselves out enough for a nap.
Good luck sorting out something that works for you guys.
June 17th, 2008 at 8:21 am, Lori Says:
Even though I don’t have kids, I don’t think there’s a way to make everything equal because every family is different–not better or worse, just different. And you have to figure out what will work for you and your kids.
Personally, I’d advise pulling them from camp because it does not sound like a good place for them to be.
I feel confident from reading your blog that you’ll make it work.
Luck!
June 17th, 2008 at 9:12 am, Lisa Says:
Seattle here. Haven’t commented in ages but lurk regularly.
I, too, am a stay-at-home writer. My kids are 4 and 6. Some days, when school is closed, it is challenging to get a coherent thought on paper. But like you, I have taught my kids to entertain themselves and so when I need to make a phone call or need 30 minutes to write, I get it. And it’s amazing how good some of that writing is when I’m on a “kid” deadline! I continue to struggle to find a balance between working, wifedom and mommyhood but working feeds that part of my soul that the rest does not. And I’m a better mom and wife for working - more organized, satisfied, and confident.
Don’t feel guilty about camp. Sure, they can watch videos at home for free, but like Velma says, they build self-reliance in places they don’t particularly like. It’s short term and your work is important too.
Hang in there and thanks for sharing your struggle. It makes me feel better!
June 17th, 2008 at 9:35 am, Chief Family Officer Says:
I came over from Career and Kids and I have to say, I don’t think you should feel bad at all about being *that* mom. It sounds like they are not delivering what was promised. I would not only speak with the director, I would speak with others parents if I knew them and get them to complain as well.
Of course, if the director doesn’t seem to care about making changes, I would find a different program. It might take some time away from working to do that, but I don’t see why the choice is between that specific camp and working. Of course, I live in a big city where I always have choices. If you really don’t have any choice about the camp, then I would just try to make sure that at least some of the hours you spend with them are active and enriching. Your boys won’t suffer from not being stimulated at camp.
I do hope things get better - moms shouldn’t feel guilty when they’re doing their best!
June 17th, 2008 at 10:03 am, Jenn @ Juggling Life Says:
I’ve started the article, but have not had time to read it.
I didn’t feel the pull to do anything other than be a SAHM until my youngest was in 5th grade, so while I intellectually understand your dilemma it was never one I had.
Complain! You should be getting what you pay for and if you wanted what you’re getting you could park your kids in front of the t.v. with their game systems for free!
June 17th, 2008 at 11:38 am, Rayne of Terror Says:
50/50 parenting doesn’t solve the dilemma, but daycare you feel great about does. My son has such a great time at daycare and learns so much that I don’t feel guilty about my career. I do wish I had more time with him, but I don’t feel bad about where he spends his time.
Our housework parenting ratio is pretty close to 50/50 these days (me getting the better end of the deal, IMO) and I love it. But it took three years of parenting and me going to work full time to get there.
June 17th, 2008 at 12:08 pm, miguelina Says:
Susan,
I’m *that* mom too. The way I see it, the camp is providing a service, they’re not doing you a favor, so they have to do it right. If you think you need to pull them from camp, do it, but I don’t think trying to do it all by yourself is the answer.
But you know that already.
Maybe you can use the camp $$ to hire an energetic college student that will get play outside with the boys while you get work done?
I just got back from gardening with my 70ish neighbor and she was telling me how in her day people just didn’t feel this guilt our generation feels to be there for their kids 100% of the time. She told me about how they used huge playpens and the kids learned self reliance and played happily in the pen, and how she always took time for herself during the day and the kids turned out fine.
I have a feeling your kids will do fine.
June 17th, 2008 at 12:45 pm, Jan Says:
Susan, I’m sorry you’re feeling so overwhelmed. And especially sorry that you’re feeling bad about your parenting. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be your own person, even if you are the mommy. (I have one friend who likens it to the lecture they give you on the plane: “please put on your own mask before you help your children”. Life is like that. You have to take care of yourself and believe me, your kids will know if you aren’t. And it’s good for them, too, to see self-care and self-interest modeled.
I agree with the poster above who says that one solution would be good childcare. It’s summer — you could easily hire a high school or college student to entertain your kids a few days a week or a few hours a day. Or another mom. We’ve had great luck on Craigslist finding sitters for our kids.
My advice is to take care of yourself, and for heaven’s sake don’t feel guilty about it!
June 17th, 2008 at 2:32 pm, leigh Says:
Hey Susan…my son Jack is going to a great camp this summer and if you’re interested I can give you some info. Leslie sends the boys there in the summer also so she can also give you the scoop. There is TONS of outdoor play and activity and Jack loves it. email me if you want some more info.
June 17th, 2008 at 4:54 pm, DBN Says:
I don’t even have time to divide things up 50/50. I don’ think a gently placed word of concern makes you THAT mom, especially when it seems so well placed. I think we all have a duty to keep a close eye on those that are entrusted with our children. I am inordinately pleased with our daycare situation, but every so often something slips out of whack a little and I say something. It doesn’t usually take any more than that. If it did and my problems were not resolved, I would probably look for alternatives.
June 17th, 2008 at 9:15 pm, Tricia Says:
Yeah, but if they are home…how much work can you do???
June 17th, 2008 at 10:03 pm, Rocks In My Dryer Says:
Oh, Susan, I could’ve written this very post today too. So frustrating and overwhelming sometime. I always thought working part-time-ish from home would be such a magical thing, and it’s not. It’s HARD. Especially in the summer, when the kids are home. I’ve spent every day this summer feel stressed to my limit over it.
And also, I’m just jealous your pool has wi-fi.
June 17th, 2008 at 10:07 pm, Jacqueline Kilduff Says:
Long time lurker…
You have time to read the NYT and work and be a Mom and always look cute and wear mascara? I think you rock because God knows my tube of Maybelline is rusted shut and I only have three kids under 5 and gave up my full time job almost three years ago. You BLOGHER gals make me think I should be finding something that looks like work in between the potty accidents and housework, but I have not found it. Thanks for writing about everything so well though. I appreciate you and your efforts.
June 18th, 2008 at 8:38 am, crockpot lady Says:
I’m thinking of you—you’ll get it figured out. The only way I can get thinking work done is when I get up at 3:30 or 4:00 in the morning. I can’t seem to work at night. it’s probably because of the wine.
also, once you get a hang of the newer job, you’ll realize that it doesn’t take as long as it used to. One of the joys of writing is that once you figure out your editor, the anxiety starts to decline, little by little.
xox
steph