January 2, 2006
and a side of sauerkraut
Welcome to 2006! I hope everyone had a festive weekend? We rang in the New Year by eating German food with my in-laws–two nights in a row! Which would have been terrific, except for the fact that I can’t stand German food. Too much cabbage and schnitzel. Blech.
This morning, as we were on our way to Starbucks, Wade’s mother called to invite us to brunch. ‘You won’t like what I’m fixing,’ she warned me. ‘More cabbage?’ I joked. ‘No,’ she said, ‘biscuits and sausage gravy.’ Because apparently 2006 is the Year of the Sausage. Did you know that? I didn’t either! Blech.
I tried to look back this weekend and pull together some sort of year-end retropective post, but that just made me even more crabby. The truth is this: 2005 was a hard year for me, and the last two months were the hardest. I was potty training Charlie and trying to keep Henry from getting expelled from preschool, both of which were their own full-time jobs. And in any free time I had, I was feeling guilty about all the things I should have been doing and angry about all the things I wasn’t getting to do.
There were a lot of really good days, too, normal days, where nothing bad happened. And really, we did laugh a lot here this past year. But since the beginning of November, I have felt like I am barely slogging through each day, spending all my time calling doctors and teachers, thinking of fun things to do with Charlie or ways to engage Henry in the world outside his head. In the process, I have lost touch with some of the people who used to give me the most day-to-day support, with my mommy friends, the ones I drank coffee with and had playdates with and talked about potty training and school and shoes. And that has been incredibly hard for me.
I feel fortunate to have found, through this web site, a community of parents who understand first-hand what I am going through. And I have met parents who are not raising quirky children but with whom I have other things in common–a love of writing, for one, and an ability to laugh at our children when the going gets rough (which is when they are the funniest, really). But I am beginning to feel like my life has fractured into pieces, like a broken jigsaw puzzle, and I need to get all the pieces back together.
It is hard to be the mommy all the time, and it has been especially hard lately to be the mommy to my children all the time. Not because of anything specific to my children, but because I love them so much that I feel like I’m failing them at every turn. What I am realizing, though, is that the only one I’m failing is me, and that by wearing myself so thin worrying about being the perfect mommy, I am actually falling short of being a good mommy, a great mommy, the mommy my kids need right now.
I have also gotten so wrapped up in being the mommy that I’ve lost track of all the other things I like to be–the wife, for example, or the girlfriend (not THAT kind of girlfriend, get your minds out of the gutter). Or the English wonk or the liberal Democrat or the knitter (yes, I do knit! But only scarves and the occasional poncho). Ironically, I think that making time for things other than my children will make it easier and more pleasant for me to be with my children. At least, I hope that’s how it will work.
In 2006, I am going to find ways to love my life again. I am going to make all the pieces–my children, my husband, my writing, my friends–come together. I’m going to laugh more–at my children, certainly, but with them as well–and worry less. I’m going to find ways to feel at peace with my life.
But I’m not eating any more German food.
Posted by Susan @ 4:00 pm • Uncategorized
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January 2nd, 2006 at 5:59 pm, educat Says:
Soon! Soon, I say, let’s get together so I can see the part of you that misses teaching and she can talk to the childless part of me. You are a great mother, but I request coffee (or wine) and yarn with the just-a-person part.
And there shall be big ass Lip Smackers, if it helps.
January 2nd, 2006 at 6:15 pm, Susan Says:
‘Big ass Lip Smackers’ is funny. Say it with me, everyone! It will make you smile, I promise.
January 2nd, 2006 at 7:17 pm, educat Says:
Yes, the words “ass” and “lip” are always worth a laugh when in close proximity.
January 2nd, 2006 at 7:23 pm, MJ Says:
It is so easy to lose yourself in being the “perfect” mummy.” Hell, most days I’d settle for being a “good enough” mummy but fear that I fail at that too. I, too, have thought of ways of worrying more about myself and less about my children–which is almost impossible, I fear–but I also think that it would make me a better, less crabby mother.
Now, one of my cousins swears that her part-time job makes her a better mother. That being away from her children makes her more understanding of them when she’s with them. Not sure if I’m about to get that crazy and get paid employment, but time for myself (that doesn’t involve household/children errands) would be good.
January 2nd, 2006 at 7:29 pm, Andie D. Says:
Susan, I know 2006 will be a great year for you!
You know, it’s almost out of the fire and into the frying pan. When I was working full time, I was out of my mind because I couldn’t find a good work/life balance. Now I’m a stay at home mom, and I can’t help but see all the ways I come up short. Even when I try not to compare myself to other mothers, I do it anyway.
I think I’ll resolve in 2006 to just freaking ENJOY being a mommy more. And I also need find a better mommy/me balance.
P.S. Why don’t men beat themselves up over what kind of dads they are? Does that say more about them or us. I digress. Big ass Lip Smackers. I did smile!
January 2nd, 2006 at 7:43 pm, Misfit Hausfrau Says:
Big ass Lip Smackers. Big ass Lip Smackers. You’re right–I smiled.
Why oh why am I thinking of the Laurie Berkner song on Noggin, “I’m Not Perfect?” Maybe it is because my daughter now sings it 24 hours a day. But it’s true. You do your very best every day, or at least try to. That’s all anyone can ask.
Be sure to take time out for yourself this year. I forgot to add something to my to-do list for the year. Get a monthly massage.
January 2nd, 2006 at 7:54 pm, Kristen Says:
Susan, since my kids have been born, I’ve spent a year and a half at home full time, a year at a demanding full time job, and another year and a half at an unchallenging full time job. Ya know what? I was and am unpleased with how I handle the “balance” of it all in EVERY SINGLE SCENARIO.
We all just need to do a better job of not being so hard on ourselves. It’s hard, but I guess being aware is the first step in the right direction.
January 2nd, 2006 at 7:56 pm, Kara Says:
i swear, sometimes, reading your blog, is like reading exactly what i’m thinking, but with better grammar, punctuation, and capital letters in the appropriate places. and your comments have funny things like big ass lip smackers. not to hijack, but (see, look at me, hijacking!) my 1st post of 06 is all about rediscovery (visit me and tell us all what you’re hoping to rediscover in 06). sounds like you’re looking to do some rediscovery as well. and i wish you lots of love and all the best as you get down to it! and i’m glad i can’t smell your cabbage eating family up here in massachusetts.
January 2nd, 2006 at 8:00 pm, Susan Says:
I, too, wonder about the Daddy thing. I have a wonderful WONDERFUL daddy living in my house (thank whatever god is out there) and while he is sympathetic, I know that he doesn’t really get my whole Still Not Doing A Good Enough Job stress. And I don’t blame him for it (in fact, I think he balances my craziness quite nicely), but I wonder how that happens.
All I know is BIG ASS LIP SMACKERS is still making me smile. Say it some more, people!
January 2nd, 2006 at 8:02 pm, Chag Says:
I wish you lots of luck in 2006. Remember, perfection doesn’t actually exist. It’s just some lofty ideal that we create.
This year was probably the first time I didn’t have to eat sauerkraut to welcome in the New Year. Thank God!
January 2nd, 2006 at 10:12 pm, Meredith Says:
Man, I was really looking forward to 2006 until I found out it is the “year of the sausage.” Sheesh. Why can’t it be the “year of the hot fudge sundae” or something more inviting?
I think your resolutions are awesome and something attainable. Just as long as you keep writing because I am addicted to your blog!
January 2nd, 2006 at 11:28 pm, mom on a wire Says:
Oh! I love you! Such a great post.
January 2nd, 2006 at 11:47 pm, L. Says:
Big ass Lip Smackers. Big ass Lip Smackers. Yeah, it`s still working.
There are worse things than sausage. My father-in-law gets upset when I try to decline his sliced raw sea cucumber. Take a look: http://www.numenware.com/article/444/
January 3rd, 2006 at 5:11 am, Susan Says:
Mmmm, sea cucumber. With a side of sauerkraut!
Eew.
January 3rd, 2006 at 6:28 am, Felicity Says:
people, eating sea cucumber? That’s just, wrong. Cnacelled out the laugh I was getting from Big Ass Lip Smackers.
Uh, Susan, maybe check out the amazing Andrea Scher’s Superhero blog–she’s not a mom (yet) but her end of the year post is “Mondo Beyondo” and you may enjoy it.
January 3rd, 2006 at 6:50 am, chris Says:
as always (and i get sick of hearing it too) perfect is the enemy of good enough. i’m so with you on the whole *balance* thing- i think it’s part of the human condition that once we’re aware of it, we spend the rest of our lives trying to achieve it. blessings on your quest!
January 3rd, 2006 at 7:48 am, Nancy Says:
Thank you for a great post. I have the same major goal for 2006: to find ways to love life again. But I couldn’t have said it with more grace and humor than you did.
January 3rd, 2006 at 8:31 am, The June Cleaver Diaries Says:
I think I have been my own worst enemy, too, this year. I feel like I’ve been on a leave of absence from my real life this year, d/t having the twins. My goal is to actually get out of the house more with them. And when I do, I’ll try to bitch less about how hard it is, and remember that it’s great that I’ve even figured out a way to do it. Sort of. And I’ll spend more time with the 3 year old, who has had to learn to be more independent this year than any preschooler should.
And then maybe I’ll try to return phone calls within a week of getting a message on my machine.
January 3rd, 2006 at 10:30 am, ieatcrayonz Says:
Ah, just beautiful. I’m so thankful to count you among my friends.
This year - it will be different. Good different. Better different.
January 3rd, 2006 at 12:13 pm, MIM Says:
I hear you loud and clear, girlfriend. I’m trying to work on feeling the need to be less perfect and just being since I’m no where near perfect and don’t to want to feel bad anymore for not living up to my OWN ridiculous expectations.
Your kids are lucky to have such a smart, self-aware mother.
January 3rd, 2006 at 12:58 pm, theyellowwallpaper Says:
Happy New Year and i hope you do take that time for yourself. My hubs and I are aiming for something similar and will attempt to hire a babysitter regularly. After we were able to have a night to oursevles recently we realized how much we had been missing it.
Good luck in 2006!
January 3rd, 2006 at 4:01 pm, kyra Says:
RIGHT ON, GIRL! i’m right behind you, swinging my big scythe, clearing a space for the writer, friend, wife, artist, PERSON, and mother in 2006. yes yes yes!! just one thing: how do you worry yourself thin? i only seem to worry myself flabby…
HAPPY NEW YEAR! i’m all for 2006!!!!!!
January 3rd, 2006 at 5:46 pm, Mary Tsao Says:
Those sounds like excellent resolutions. Here’s to 2006!
January 3rd, 2006 at 7:59 pm, Jenorama Says:
Amen. Here’s to 2006! And maybe San Francisco! Definitely Arizona. Definitely have to go to Arizona.
January 4th, 2006 at 10:43 am, Gina Says:
What a wonderfully thoughtful post.
I am especially grateful that you realized that your perceived “failures” were just that.
I have also had a rough month or so parenting my child, so here’s to taking a deep breath and moving forward!
And really, there is some good German food out there, it’s a regional thing.
January 4th, 2006 at 11:49 am, Candace Says:
I tried to comment earlier, as in yester-freaking-day, but Blogger was being a bitch, as usual.
So, anyway, here’s what I was gonna say:
Mmmmm…sausage. Mmmmm…German food.
And, BIG ASS LIP SMACKERS!