March 14, 2007

Jesus did not give his life for the polo collar

Phone rings.

Me: Hello!

Mom: Hello! I’m at Kohl’s.

Me: Okay!

Mom: I’m looking at Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pajamas for the boys. Do you think they would like those?

Me: Yes. They would LOVE them. In fact, they would probably wear them the ENTIRE time you are here.

Mom: Okay, well, each package has two shirts and two pairs of shorts.

Me: Then they will DEFINITELY wear them the ENTIRE time you are here.

Mom: I was going to get them polo shirts but then I saw these.

Me: They have polo shirts. They won’t wear them. Go with the pajamas.

Mom: That’s what I thought. I’m going to get Charlie a size 6. The biggest they have is an 8–will that be okay for Henry?

Me: That’s fine. He’ll wear them even if they’re too small. Last night he was looking for a pair of size four pajamas that Charlie wore last year.

Mom: I’m going to bring these next week, then, and they can be the boys’ Easter presents.

Me: Why not? Jesus died so my kids could have Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pajamas.

Mom: Exactly.

March 13, 2007

universal retribution

So yesterday, I was feeling pretty smug , which is never a good idea because even when you THINK everything is done it totally isn’t, and I went off to get the boys at school and we headed home for a snack and some much-deserved playtime. In the car, Charlie said, “Can I have some cake for snack?” Sure, I said, why not?

“Okay!” he said, “and YOU can have some, TOO!”

Sure! Why not!

Henry ate his snack and wandered away while Charlie sat and meticulously savored EVERY SINGLE CRUMB of his cake and told me about his day, which mostly consisted of getting into trouble for “being crazy” at his table (I don’t know what that means either but clearly it’s not good). I was still feeling pretty good about getting EVERYTHING DONE when Henry said, “Mom, would you read us one of these books? From the library bag?”

Dammit. I completely forgot to return the library books. And since they were going to be overdue at the end of the day, and the videos (which accumulate fines at FIFTY CENTS A DAY!) couldn’t be renewed any more, we had to go to the library. Which, of course, is RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER from Charlie’s school. Wouldn’t it have been easier to return the books BEFORE I picked Charlie up? Why yes, it would have!

Argh.

Last night, I cooked two dinners, neither of which was edible (pasta pie that just went wrong, somehow, and a frozen pizza that was burnt on top AND raw in the middle). I tried on my cute new shoes only to find that they are too small and will have to be sent back to Zappos.

And finally, after I gloated about the painters, the exterior guys STILL HAVEN’T SHOWN UP. Which may or may not mean anything, but WHERE ARE THEY? Because now I’m afraid they’re never going to show up and we will never sell this house and I will have to live here FOREVER.

At least I still have cake.

March 12, 2007

getting things done

I wish you could see my To Do list for today. I thought about scanning it so that you really COULD see it, but I can’t seem to find it just now, so forget that. Fortunately, I have done EVERYTHING on it, which has to be some kind of act of god or something.

Things I have accomplished today:

1. Straightened out the check book. The debit card receipts were taking over the desk and Wade was beginning to despair that we would ever manage to clean it up before the realtor starts showing the house. Also, there’s that whole bit about wanting to know how much money is in the account. You know how that is.

2. Lined up painters. For the inside AND the outside of the house! This is a monumental triumph because I swear I have called every single painter in Oklahoma City (note: maybe that’s a small exaggeration). Fully TWO THIRDS of them NEVER CALLED ME BACK, which made me crazy. Then I had to badger the one company to send the estimate, and THEN I had to decide who to go with (one estimate was high for the interior painting and low for the exterior, while the other was the opposite). In the end, I split the difference, and now I have one set of guys coming tomorrow (TOMORROW!) to paint the outside of my house and ANOTHER set of guys coming in two weeks to paint the kitchen.

AND THEN WE WILL SELL THE HOUSE. Amen.

3. Bought capri pants. In navy blue, which is unusual for me; I typically go with black over navy (too many years of Catholic school uniform). But navy is huge this summer and it seems more warm-weather friendly than black and virtually everything I would wear with black with GO with navy and the black ones didn’t really fit as well as the navy pair.

4. Wrote a bunch of stuff. Recently, I’ve been writing post after post about sleep at Blogging Baby; I don’t know what that’s about. Family bed, separate beds, no one in bed, kids not in bed, you name it, I’ve written about it. And frankly, it’s making me tired.

5. Went to Target, left my list in the car, but still remembered EVERYTHING that was on it (coffee filters, kids Benadryl, Muesli, Triscuits) AND remembered to take in the stuff to return AND remembered to return it. Go me.

6. Returned a dress that I must have been drunk to think would look good on me. I’m trying to make a BIG effort NOT to buy things that I won’t wear or use, which means being honest with myself about how flat my chest is and how wide my ass is. The wrap dress just highlighted BOTH of those things, so back it went.

7. Ate cake. I earned it, after all, with the painters and the pants and the check book. Although suddenly I’m seeing more clearly why my ass is the way it is . . .

March 10, 2007

rule #3: shut up, already!

I cannot stop talking about the houses I looked at last week. Wade has heard every detail of every house fifteen times, and since every single conversation either begins or ends with “This is NOT the house for us,” it HAS to be fun to listen to me go on and on and ON. I’m even starting to annoy myself with the damn houses.

In my defense, Wade has spent three days asking, “Did you see the house on [insert name of street]?” When I say no, I did not, he says, “Call the realtor! Go see it!” no matter how many times I explain that she only pulled the listings IN OUR PRICE RANGE which means that yes, there are houses I DID NOT SEE. This morning, he drove through one neighborhood to check up on two houses that I told him I couldn’t see because they were under contract; sure enough, the signs are not in the yards any more, BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN SOLD. Later, after we drove by a house that I did not see, down the block from one I did see see, he said, “I’m going to look that one up MYSELF! And then YOU go see it!” I said, “Okay!” and then left the house for an hour because we really need to SHUT UP about the houses.

When I came home, Wade said, “I found that house.”

“What’s the deal?” I asked. The deal is that the house is listing for nearly TWICE the upper limit of what we’re hoping to spend. “THAT’S why I didn’t see it,” I told him triumphantly.

We also drove through my friend Christa’s neighborhood, to see about the house around the corner from her, which I also did not see last week. Because IT ISN’T FOR SALE ANY MORE.

Sheesh.

All my obsessive talking and all Wade’s obsessive driving around looking for FOR SALE signs has convinced us that yes, indeed, I really DID see EVERYTHING in this area in our price range last week. Tonight, I started to tell him about what I thought we might be able to do to one house that I hated, to make it a house I wouldn’t hate, and he said, “Wasn’t that the really ugly house?” And I said, “Yes, but . . . ” and then I punched myself in the head because WHAT THE HELL?!?

Last night, I had a long complicated dream about–are you ready?–house hunting! This morning, at Starbucks, two guys had put up a sign that said DREAMS INTERPRETED NOW! The boys were fascinated by this and desperately wanted one of us to tell the men about our dreams and hear what they had to say. Wade was making jokes: “I had a dream about a snake pushing a donut through a garden,” he mused. I said, “I DREAMT ABOUT HOUSES–WHAT DO YOU THINK THAT MEANS?”

Instead, I spent all my cash buying Girl Scout cookies. And then I ate an entire sleeve of Thin Mints.

March 8, 2007

rule #2: wear comfortable shoes (although your feet will STILL hurt in the end)

I looked at 400 houses today. Seriously. I saw houses in places I didn’t know there WERE houses. And of course, when I called Wade this afternoon and said, “I’ve seen every house in northwest Oklahoma City,” and he said, “Did you see the one around the corner from the Richardsons?” I had to say, “NO I DID NOT. BUT I’VE SEEN EVERYTHING ELSE.”

So what DID I see? Well, I saw the perfect kitchen, in a house with a pool (no) and no garage (no NO!). I saw a house with a “library hall” (shelves down one side with a ROLLING LADDER) and a dark, cave-like family room. I saw a house with PERFECT living space and two functional bedrooms. For FOUR people.

Do you think Henry would like sleeping in the garage?

Every house had some THING about it. I saw a beautiful, BEAUTIFUL house with the Best Bathroom EVER and no back yard. I saw houses that had “potential,” if one were in the mood to strip wallpaper or gut kitchens or demolish bathrooms.

I’m not saying we DON’T want to do that, but if possible, I would rather not. Ever.

The best house–and by “best” I mean “craziest”–was the one where the couple are divorcing and so she locks the master bedroom when she leaves and NO ONE IS ALLOWED IN. Yes, really! Oh, and the bedroom was off the laundry room, which was just . . . odd.

I am exhausted and my feet hurt. I’m having a hard time remembering where exactly the couple of possible contender houses are located, which really sucked when Wade was offering to drive by them on his way home (”Do I turn left or right?” he would ask, and I would say “I HAVE NO IDEA.”). But apparently I’ll be doing this again next week, because I totally struck out today.

Next time I may wear my bedroom slippers. And take a flask.

March 7, 2007

rule #1: don’t insult the realtor

Realtor: Okay, I think there are five houses in Pondwood* that we can see tomorrow.

Me: I’ve already seen the two that back on to Major Busy Street, and we’re not interested in those. Too noisy. But I would really like to look at the two listed by Local Realty.

Realtor: Sure, we can do that!

Me: Great!

Realtor: Now, have you thought at all about looking in Pigeon Springs*?

Me: Yeah . . . maybe. It’s pretty hit-or-miss there, frankly. Some parts of the neighborhood look terrible.

Realtor (after long pause): That’s where we live.

Me: Oh.

Realtor: But I know what you mean. Although I do have a house listed there, on a really nice street . . .

Me: Uh, sure! Let’s see it!

Right after I get my foot out of my mouth . . .

*Not the actual names. Promise.