October 16, 2006

the short version

A few things about my weekend, in no particular order:

1. Kansas City is FABULOUS. I could totally live there, although it would have to be on the Kansas side and not the Missouri side because what’s with the proposed BAN on stem cell research? Come on, Missouri. Do better.

2. Jen has the most fantastic, infectious laugh. I wanted to bottle it and bring it home for days when I need a pick-me-up.

3. I heard Jen’s laugh a lot this weekend because SJ is The Funniest Woman Alive. Saturday night, Jen and I cozied up in our Heavenly Beds while SJ entertained us with thirty minutes of improv, which included a reenactment of Pregnant Sciatica SJ riding on the FRONT of a shopping cart at Target while the Hubs pushed.

4. You know how SJ always says that Sam is the Happiest Baby Ever? Completely true. If I’d had a big enough carry-on bag, I would have brought him home with me.

5. Tony, that’s a bread pudding. Krista and I had dinner at Nordstrom (I could totally live THERE, too) on Thursday night, and she had to remind the server THREE TIMES to bring her bread pudding. When she finally got up from the table and went to TRACK IT DOWN, they brought us a quarter of a pan of bread pudding. And we ate it, because it was DELICIOUS.

6. I read an entire novel this weekend. An entire REALLY GREAT novel. An entire really BIG novel.

7. Krista reminded me that pink is a good color when one is feeling tired or wan. I’ll be wearing pink all week, apparently, because while I was having all this fun, I seem to have forgotten to sleep. It was entirely worth it, though. As were the two Cosmos with dinner on Friday and the wine with lunch on Saturday.

More pictures later. Pictures are up. You might want to shield your children’s eyes.

October 15, 2006

Kansas City looked like this

Details soon. Must sleep first. And maybe start some laundry.

October 11, 2006

under "occupation" I usually write "dilettante"

Wade comes home from work at night, and after we talk about his day and the kids’ days, he says, “How was your day?”

And I say, “Eh. Fine.” And then I struggle to think about what exactly I did all day. Usually I come up with really thrilling things, like I BALANCED THE CHECKBOOK or I WENT TO THE GROCERY or I SPENT AN HOUR ON HOLD WITH THE INSURANCE COMPANY.

It’s a wild life, mine is.

For six years, I’ve had a child with me almost constantly; before that, I worked, more or less full-time. Because I was an academic, a large part of my “work” was reading and writing and THINKING about things; I loved that and I miss it. I’ve always had something to DO, something more than just cooking and keeping my house clean, and I never really minded the housewife things because they weren’t my JOB.

I used to think about how GREAT it would be just to have TIME–no deadlines or office hours or feeding schedules. Now I have time, and I don’t know what the hell to do with it.

I take the boys to school at 8:00 and I pick them up at 3:00. In between, I clean up the house, start laundry, load and unload the dishwasher, think about dinner, pay bills, fill out forms, and make appointments. On Wednesdays I have coffee with Christa. I read some, and I write some. And then the day is over and I don’t really know what I’ve done.

This morning, at our coffee date, Christa was talking about wanting to work LESS, to be home more with her children in this last year before they are both in school full-time. That’s funny, I said, because I want to work MORE. We talked about how our mothers both played tennis when we were kids, how that was part of what you did when you were the stay-home mom. “You could play tennis,” Christa said.

“Maybe,” I told her, “but honestly? I would feel guilty about playing tennis while Wade was working a fifteen hour day.”

“Yes,” she said.

I’m not ready to go Back To Work in any traditional sense; my family isn’t ready for me not to be here, at home, taking care of things. Twice in the last week I have left the house without my cell phone, and when I realized that I had been out of touch (once for nearly the ENTIRE school day) I panicked. What if someone was hurt? Or sick? My job is to be there.

No one was hurt. Or sick. And I’m always here, more or less.

For literally years, Wade has been saying, “You should go on vacation! Go to Minneapolis and see Cheryl! Go see your parents! Go see your brother! Leave the kids with me!” He has always been serious and sincere, and I’ve always agreed that yes, I should go, and yes, I will go, but I’ve never gone. When my friends and I started planning our trip to Kansas City, Wade said, “GO! I’ll take two days off work! It’s fine!”

He can’t take two days off work; he’s busier now than he ever has been. And it is fine, and he will do fine with the boys, but as I race around today trying to get everything ready for him (making lunches and writing out phone numbers and drawing little maps of the schools so he knows where to FIND the boys when he goes to get them and charging my cell phone JUST IN CASE someone calls me first) I am shocked by the amount of stuff I do around here.

My job seems to be to Know Things, like where the After Care room is and who takes what medications and how many pairs of pants each boy has. I need to remember to leave Wade a note about milk money for Charlie; I need to be sure to have him check each boy’s folder after school for homework. I need to be sure all three of them have clean underwear.

This is what I do all day, and while it doesn’t take seven hours, someone has to do it. I am incredibly grateful that we are able to have me do this, all the time, without worrying about how we will pay the bills. I know that for my family–my family, not necessarily anyone else’s–this is the best choice. But recently I’ve been thinking that I want something else to do, something that will challenge my mind and give me something to talk about at the end of the day, something more than shopping for shoes or playing tennis. I’m looking right now for some small kind of work, because even though I know that I do a tremendous amount here, even though I know that what I do is valuable and valued, I need something more.

“If you wish at once to do nothing and be respectable nowadays,” Leslie Stephen wrote in 1865, “the best practice is to be at work on some profound study.” I think I’m searching for the Profound Study that will give me some respectability while I do nothing all day. But first I have to move some laundry and dig up some milk money for Charlie.

October 10, 2006

all you have to do is ask

I’m flying to Kansas City on Thursday and spending the night with my friend Krista. Last night on the phone, she said, “Can you do me a favor while you’re here?”

“Yes,” I said, without hesitating. I love Krista; I would do just about anything for her.

“Will you go to Nordstrom and go shoe shopping with me?”

This trip is getting better all the time.

October 9, 2006

ahhh, Monday

Recently, the weekends have been kicking my ass, partly because it’s been so hot but mostly because we’re bad weekend people. I am actually RELIEVED when Monday rolls around and everyone gets the hell out of my house.

How sad is that?

Weekends are hard for us because we all have COMPLETELY different ideas about what exactly the “weekend” should consist of. The kids are desperate, after a week of school, to hang out in their pajamas and reacquaint themselves with all the toys that I’ve spent the entire week organizing and putting away. Wade wants to go Do! Something! because he’s been at work all week and hasn’t spent any fun time with the kids, but this means that we all have to get dressed and find our shoes. Eventually we get ourselves together to leave the house, sometimes even to do more than just get coffee at Starbucks, although it’s often a struggle to get Charlie going because he would happily play in his room all day, although he wants someone to play WITH him the whole time. Add to that the fact that our plans are always pretty free-form and spontaneous, which doesn’t always work for Henry who really does better with lots of structure, and we often spend some large portion of the weekend with a kid (or two!) crying about nothing.

All I want is to shower without anyone coming in to report about what Daddy is doing.

Saturday morning, for example, BOTH boys came screeching into the bathroom to inform me that the toaster! smelled bad! because something was BURNING!

“WHERE IS DADDY?” I demanded.

“He’s taking care of it,” Henry said. “Nothing was on FIRE, but something was BURNING.” (A piece of frozen French Toast lodged itself in the toaster. Did I really need to hear about this while I was washing my hair? No. Did BOTH children need to climb in the shower with me AT THE SAME TIME? No. Will they do it again next weekend? Most certainly.)

During the week, I get up at 5:45 so that I can shower and get dressed before anyone else gets up. I know it sounds crazy, but I am not fully human until after my shower. And a cup of coffee (or three). Plus, I am constitutionally incapable of making the boys’ lunches the night before, so I have to do that in the morning.

And then I have to chaperone my children though the whole Get Ready For School routine. “Okay, eat your waffle! Have you gone potty? Wash your hands! While you’re in there, why don’t you brush your teeth? Today you need a LONG SLEEVED shirt! Okay, let’s make your bed! Do you know where your school bag is? Get your shoes on!”

Weekday mornings are easy these days; we have specific things we need to do, and we stay on task and do them. Weekends, on the other hand, are a little too Free Form for my taste. Wade and I sit and drink our coffee while the kids, who are NOT getting dressed or brushing their teeth or making their beds, play Knock Me Down in another room. Usually by 8:00 am someone is crying. Occasionally, it’s me.

I envy people who have Really Great Weekend Plans all the time. We’re walking a fine line between planning too much and planning too little; because we are committed to not overscheduling and overwhelming our kids, we plan less instead of more. Recently, though, we are consistently erring on the planning too little side, and we find ourselves saying, “Are you SERIOUS? It’s only ONE O’CLOCK? Do you think the kids want to watch a movie?” (Answer: hell no! they want to torment mommy and daddy by covering each other in dirt or hitting each other with the stupid plastic swords! And then at bedtime they will sob, “But we never got to watch a MOOOOVIE!”) I certainly don’t want to overwhelm my kids, but they don’t do well with large expanses of open time. I’m starting to feel like I need to map out our weekend earlier in the week, to really think about Fun Things To Do. Like, uh . . . see? I suck at this.

I also hate that when the kids are falling apart (because they don’t want to go POTTY! or they have to wear SHOES! or they hate the ZOO!) Wade and I will start snapping at each other about really stupid things, which just makes the whole weekend MORE fun.

And then, just when I think the weekend is going to kill me, we have a moment like this:

Halloween superheros

And then I think, meh, who needs big plans when you have superhero costumes?

October 6, 2006

Fashion Friday

I’ve been cleaning out closets, which has resulted in a mountain of Stuff To Get Rid Of in our guest room (I met my housekeeper at the door last week and said, “TAKE IT ALL!”). When I cleaned out the guest room closet, I found a beautiful silk Ann Taylor suit that I had totally forgotten I owned.

I haven’t worn it in, oh, five years, mostly because it’s too big. I pulled it out and initially put it in the giveaway pile, but then I took my also-too-big black cocktail dress to the tailor and as he was pinning the sides and I was starting to see how lovely that dress will be once it’s altered, I started to think about the suit and about how for all this time I’ve had these two perfectly beautiful and classic and FUNCTIONAL dresses in my closet and I haven’t worn them because I just couldn’t get it together to have them tailored.

And that made me think about the trap we fall into when we have children, of feeling like we don’t really need anything nice, because in the end, it’s just going to wind up smeared with peanut butter (or blood!). And eventually, I think, we start to feel less like we don’t NEED nice things and more like we don’t DESERVE them. And that, my friends, is the slippery slope that ends in a closet of $4.00 grey polyester sweatpants from WalMart. You know the ones, with the elastic at the ankles? Those.

Then, once you’ve amassed the All Sweatpants Wardrobe, you will MOST CERTAINLY be invited to something where you really should NOT wear your sweatpants, and you will panic, because OH MY GOD you have to buy something to WEAR which means you have to find time RIGHT NOW to try on 400 dresses and of COURSE when you find one that (mostly) fits and that you (sort of) like it will cost a MINT and then on top of THAT you will have to pay the SITTER and suddenly your husband’s office Christmas party is costing you a whole week’s pay which makes you think that maybe you don’t really need to go anyway because what would you even talk to these people about in the first place. Because really, you’re just a mom!

Or something like that.

What I’m saying is this: answering to “Mommy” doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to wear clothes that are not playgroup appropriate and talk to other adults about something other than poop every once in a while. But wearing only sweatpants can make us feel that way.

Every adult woman should have in her wardrobe at least one really lovely dress, something that you can wear to a variety of non-kid-related functions. Chose a classic shape, like a sheath or simple halter; go with a solid, not a print. A dress that falls to the knee can be worn with heels AND flats; something sleeveless can be covered up with a jacket or sweater or shawl. A scoop or V neck will show off a beautiful necklace (or your beautiful cleavage, although you should be restrained if this is going to be your Go To dress–you might not want to show The Girls off at a funeral, for example). A boat neck offers more coverage but is still flattering and sexy. A wrap dress is fantastic for curvy girls (oh how I envy you curvy girls). A slip dress is another great option (and again, one that I cannot pull off). J. Crew has a Little Black Dress shop, which is a good place to look for inspiration; they offer a range of styles, and even some really functional prints. Browse, and see what you like.

Ideally, you need two good dresses, a Little Black Dress and a second dress, or dressy suit, in an interesting color. The black dress is good for evenings (with heels and a sleek clutch bag) and day (with flats or boots and a jacket). Depending on the fabric and the cut, you may be able to dress your black dress up and down through most of the year. Mine is a three-season wool blend, which makes it fairly versatile, and it has some beading and embroidery at the hem.

The second dress should be something in a beautiful color, to cover afternoon weddings and christenings and Sunday brunch–functions where the little black dress is perhaps not entirely appropriate. Again, go for something classic; you don’t want to wear the dress once and have it go out of style. Choose a flattering color, but steer clear of white (bad for weddings) and Easter egg pastels (best for small children). Embellishment is nice, but I would err on the side of simplicity; too much embellishment and you look like a bridesmaid. DO NOT wear white shoes with this dress, and think twice about black shoes. Again, J. Crew has a nice selection of pretty dresses in color, just for inspiration.

I know you’re thinking oh, right, a dress is EXACTLY what I need in my closet, to wear to Gymboree or in the carpool line. But I’m entirely serious, both about the practical value of the Really Good Dress (eventually, someone you know will get married or have a baby or die or throw a party–it’s the Circle of Life) and about this whole idea that we somehow don’t deserve to have nice things. You don’t have to spend a fortune to get a great dress; I got my black dress at an end-of-season sale for under $50.00, and the very pretty Mir is a successful patron of consignment shops. Keep in mind that you can always have things altered, too, for that really perfect fit.

A really terrific dress can work for a variety of functions; for parties and lunch dates and for dinner out with your husband. I’m having the jacket on my blue silk suit altered, and I am totally planning to wear it with jeans and a white tee, because WHY NOT? A dress is elegant and easy and VERY chic this fall.

In the end, the important part is this: you absolutely don’t have to stop being beautiful–or sexy, or sophisticated–just because you are a mommy. And this way, when your husband comes home on Thursday and says, “Oh by the way, the office Christmas party is Saturday night,” all you have to scramble for is the sitter.

I can’t help you with that. Sorry.