June 21, 2006

it’s possible that my head hurts because my brain is rotting

Tuesday, 9:48 pm: Peek at sweet sleeping children. Crawl into bed; think about how much I love sweet sleeping children and what a nice time I had snuggling with each sweet child at bedtime. Vow to snuggle more and yell less tomorrow. Fall asleep mentally drafting touching essay about how Charlie ends his bedtime snuggle by putting his arms around my neck and announcing, “You can go now! Try to get up! You can’t do it!”

Wednesday, 5:59 am: Wake up just before alarm goes off with splitting headache of hangover proportions. Wonder how this is possible, as I haven’t had any alcohol since Sunday.

6:23 am: Give up going back to sleep and get up to see what Henry is up to. Offer to read to him, assuming he will say no. Instead, he picks up The Extraordinary Adventures of Ordinary Boy and heads for the sofa. Charlie gets up and joins us. Read entire chapter before making coffee. Wonder if I will live through the day. Rue the fact that the boys are both being polite and peaceful on a morning when I can’t really enjoy it.

7:14: Serve breakfast outside, for a change of pace. Drink coffee. Try to hold head VERY STILL.

7:45 Shower. Dress (flowery skirt, white polo). Start laundry.

8:00-9:00: Boys watch Sesame Street. Change clothes (take off polo, put on green tank top. Take off green tank top, put on yellow tank top. Put on yellow espadrilles. Take off espadrilles and skirt, put on khakis that haven’t fit recently. Khakis fit! Rejoice! Put espadrilles back on.)

9:04: Henry has epic meltdown over plastic Star Wars toy.

9:18: Announce, “Tantrum over! We’re going to Starbucks. NOW. Stop crying, get up, and get in the car.”

9:34: While trying to explain to Henry that if he holds his icewater by the LID, he will most likely drop it, spill substantial portion of venti drip (WITH CREAM) down front of pants. Fortunately, I miss the shoes, which are fabric and probably can’t be cleaned. Swear quietly, but not quietly enough to avoid disapproving glare from woman waiting for half and half.

9:42: Watch, in horrific slow motion, as Charlie drops remains of blueberry muffin RIGHT ON MY SHOES. Breathe sigh of relief that, once again, the fabric is unstained. Stop Charlie from eating muffin off the sidewalk.

9:58: Instead of going to the grocery, go home to deal with coffee stain. Announce, “EVERYONE OUTSIDE!” Change clothes (white polo, orange capris, J Crew flip flops with little orange martinis–Tangier tartinis, perhaps?–on them). Pretreat pants and shirt. Leave message for lawn guy. Take three Tylenol; wash down with coffee.

10:17: Children decide that it’s too hot out (dude, this is the coolest it will be ALL DAY) and go inside to put on their Halloween costumes and fight a space battle in Charlie’s room. Finish coffee; lie on Charlie’s bed and moan. Wonder if I will live through the day.

10:34: Decide that I’m tired of writing about how these kids are driving me berserk. Decide that it’s YOUR turn to come up with content for this web site! Decide that Friday’s post will be dedicated to answering your Very Important Questions About Stuff, or posting your Very Delicious Drink Recipies (alcoholic or otherwise). Feel headache beginning to lift already.

Okay, so! Send me your questions! Seriously! I know a lot about the eighteenth century and shoes and coffee, and I can make the rest up as I go, as that’s pretty much how I got through graduate school. This could become a regular feature, if all goes well, although if we’re going to do that, we’ll need a clever title (feel free to suggest one). You can post your questions in the comments or e-mail me (the link is up on the right there, above the picture of the boys). And if I don’t know the answer, maybe someone else will! How fun!

Now I have to go back to lying still and moaning . . .

June 20, 2006

fortunately, I can buy perfection

We’re still struggling to settle back in to Life At Home; today was a better day than yesterday, if only because I decided that it would be, by god. This morning the boys wanted to play outside–okay, no, not really; what they WANTED to do was have a swordfight with their plastic swords, and I said THAT’S AN OUTSIDE GAME! and they put their shoes on and out we went.

As you might imagine, swordfighting always–ALWAYS–leads to someone crying. ALWAYS. Usually it’s Charlie, who gets his fingers or head whacked with the sword, but the way things are going, it was hard to tell who it would be. And usually I try to distract them from the swordfighting, because THE CRYING for god’s sake, but today I just gave up. Yes! I GAVE UP! If those damn kids wanted to beat the bejesus out of each other with the swords, SO BE IT. I would clean off the patio furniture and at least feel like I’d accomplished something.

My furniture is clean, my porch is swept, the laundry is folded, and yes, BOTH kids wound up crying at some point during the sword fighting. And both came to me for sympathy, and were a little surprised when they didn’t get much. But seriously, if you ASK your brother to “Hit me with your sword!” don’t come crying to me when he actually DOES. Sheesh.

The funny part was this: when I took Marti’s VERY SMART advice and just let it all go, I felt better. The kids are still cranky today and I’m still having to insist that we BE POLITE for the love of god (because the backtalk has to stop, right now) but I don’t feel like locking myself in the bathroom with a fifth of burbon any more, which is an improvement, yes? Yes.

I am also feeling happier today because J. Crew has put the Perfect Skirt on SALE and each and every one of you needs to get one (okay, maybe not those of you who aren’t women, but you know what I mean). Just look at it*! So pretty.

Just for the male readers: look closely! you can see the model’s underwear! you’re welcome!

I have it in wild rose (I’m wearing it right now! and here as well!) and I swear to you it’s the most comfortable piece of clothing I own. It’s like really pretty sweatpants; the fabric is soft and light, it’s easy to walk in, and it looks great with a tank top or t-shirt. I suspect you could wear it with a lovely sweater, although it’s so damn hot here that I’ve not tried that. I HAVE, however, worn it with flip flops and sparkly espadrilles, to the park and out to dinner, and, BEST OF ALL, it can go in the washer AND the dryer. Perfect. All for $49.99!

I love it so much I may buy another one, maybe in white (although I’m wondering about the underwear issue) or espresso (available in store but not online, for whatever reason). Seriously, you all, it’s the PERFECT SKIRT. And it’s ON SALE.

*Sorry, you’ll have to click the link–when I cut and paste the picture here, it completely overwhelms my template with it’s incredible perfection. Or something like that. But CLICK THE LINK! Really.

June 19, 2006

reentry

When spacecraft return from their missions, the most dangerous part is often reentry; all sorts of bad things can happen if proper precautions aren’t taken.

The same is true for vacationing preschoolers. And their mommies.

We had a fantastic week in Florida, particularly once we realized that Tropical Storm Alberto was a bust. We swam every day and spent three mornings at the beach-I wore my bikini two of those days (are you proud?). No one got sunburned or lost their shoes or woke up at 3:00 am covered in blood. All in all, it was a good week. It was a great week, actually.

The past forty eight hours, however, have been hellish. I don’t know if my kids are tired or bored or feeling neglected, but they are driving me berserk. We slogged through yesterday (Happy Father’s Day! Let’s all have a tantrum! Fun for Daddy!) and this morning I woke up DETERMINED to have a good day with these kids. Over breakfast, the boys and I made a Plan: we would go to the sandy park, and then to Starbucks, and then home to play in our splash pool. “And then we can eat our lunch outside!” I said cheerfully.

“A PICNIC!” Charlie said. “I LOVE picnics! Just like in Florida!” (On our last full day, we went to the beach, came back to the house, hosed everyone off and threw them in the pool, and then ate lunch outside, next to the pool. Charlie still swears that THAT was his favorite day, and that his lunch has never tasted better than it did that day.)

It was a good Plan. It had all the components of a successful day with my kids: lots of time outside, water to wash off the sand, coffee for me, lunch for them. And of course AFTER lunch we would have showers, and by then it would be nearly 2:00! Or maybe even later! And Dragon Tales comes on at 4:00! So that would be a WHOLE DAY (more or less) of fun!

Instead, at 11:00 am, we were home and showered and having Quiet Time in our own rooms. Not good quiet time, where the boys choose to play alone and peacefully and I get things done, but the kind of Quiet Time that comes with a warning: You Will Stay In There Until I Say You May Come Out. Or Else.

Vacations always kill me, not so much because vacationing with kids, as so many of you pointed out, is essentially doing what I always do but on the road, but because going on vacation with my kids always makes me think that I should be working harder every day to really enjoy my children, to have fun with them doing the mundane things we do anyway. I always come home determined to really focus on the kids, the way I do when we’re somewhere else–out of our routine and away from our familiar surroundings. You know–to have picnics because the boys love them.

Instead, we’ve had two days of meltdowns and hitting and screaming, “You’re the MEANEST Mommy IN THE WORLD and I DON’T LIKE YOU anymore!” It is so very hard not to say, “Thank you, and the feeling is mutual.” Because you know, that’s not very grown-up or mature or parent-like.

I had a wonderful vacation. But being home sucks.

June 17, 2006

my cheeseburger was a hamburger, and there wasn’t any ketchup

Last night, when I had finished the packing mambo, I collapsed on the sofa next to my pregnant sister-in-law (who was entertaining herself by watching the baby kick at a water bottle she was balancing on her lap). I must have been muttering about the REST of my to-do-to-leave list (snacks! toothbrushes! pajamas! tickets!) because she said wistfully, “I used to love flying. It was so much . . . fun. I could read or sleep or get work done. Now . . . ” she sighed.

“Yes,” I said, “now . . . not so much.”

“Nope. Not at all.”

Today we got off the plane in Dallas to find ourselves surrounded by every “fast casual” food franchise you can imagine–Camille’s (where Wade eats twice a week and I eat twice a year), Au Bon Pain (which we don’t have in OKC), three Mexican cafes (two with BARS, serving actual LIQUOR), a TGIFriday’s (okay, I hate Friday’s but still!), a Ben and Jerry’s, a couple of Asian places, a Starbucks . . . We also had enough time to actually EAT LUNCH before we got on the next flight, which was good as we’d not had any proper breakfast (really, crumb cake is NOT breakfast. It just isn’t). So where did we eat?

McDonald’s. And they got my order wrong.

I used to love flying. Now, not so much. Or not at all.

(We’re home. I’m tired and a little sunburnt, and I’ve already done THREE loads of laundry. It’s like I never left, except that the entire kitchen table is completely covered in mail.)

June 16, 2006

how to annoy me

As I am struggling to find and pack every fucking thing (clothes! toys! games! toiletries! wet swimsuits! beach towels!) for a week of vacation for myself AND the kids, announce (repeatedly and helpfully), “I can be packed in ten minutes!”

Then tell me we’re out of wine.

(Home tomorrow. Real post soon.)

June 14, 2006

can’t write–vacationing

After spending pretty much all day Monday trapped in the house (which was fun for about nine minutes), things got better here in Partly Sunny Flordia. We’ve been swimming every day (Henry and I got in the pool on Monday, while we were waiting out the storm, because what else were we going to do?) and today we went to the beach for about three hours. I love the beach. I really do love everything bout the beach; I even love that sand-coated feeling you have AFTER the beach. The boys had a huge time doing I don’t know what–we built a village and they splashed in the water and chased Tess around. Some seagulls tried to eat our snack, which was HORRIFIC (because BIRDS! ICK!) but it was a nice morning. Then I took a nap and the boys did something (I was asleep, so Wade was in charge) and now they’re in the pool with my parents. Ahhh . . .

Our free borrowed internet was out for a few days, which we complained mightily about despite the fact that it wasn’t our wifi connection in the first place. But still! What an inconvenience! But the neighbor appears to have fixed and has still not secured his router, which is good.

And later we’re going to . . . uh . . . I don’t know! Do something else fun! Maybe I’ll post some pictures! Or maybe I’ll just go swimming.

Thanks for worrying about me–you’re all so nice. See you soon!

This week’s cutest Charlie moment: yesterday in the pool, he said to me, “Hold on Mama, with all your might and BOTH your hands!” I just want to eat him up, I swear.