No, it’s not because they engage in reprehensible labor practices. Nor is it because they play Christian television in the baby section (message: the children of working mommies go to hell! the children of mommies who shop at other megastores go to hell! buy our crap or your baby is going to hell!), or even because, despite the low-income demographic of the majority of WalMart shoppers, they charge MORE than comparable chains (Target, KMart) for infant formula. And no, it’s not because the lighting triggers a Pavlovian response in my children that turns them from smart, charming little boys into screaming banshees. No, it is none of those things.

It’s the surly people who work there.

I ran in to my local Super WalMart this morning, to buy bananas and flip flops*. (The bananas were for Charlie, who is still mad that Wade took THE VERY LAST BANANA in our house to work with him YESTERDAY–he keeps saying, ‘Why did Daddy take my banana?’ like he’s being starved to death.) I also decided, while I was there, to try on some sweats and a swimsuit (don’t think too hard about that–I’m not going to talk about the whole WalMart dressing room/swimsuit part of my morning, so get over it).

In this particular WalMart, the woman who persons the dressing rooms also answers the phone. Each time it would ring, she would make an announcement over the PA system to alert the appropriate employee that he or she had a phone call. These announcements went something like this:

Dressing Room Attendant/Operator (yelling over the PA system as loudly as she could): ‘PAM IN HUMAN RESOURCES YOU HAVE A CALL ON LINE TWO!!!’

Of course, the yelling made it nearly impossible to understand what she was actually saying. As I was trying on various sizes of swimsuits and sweats (do not think about it!) and trying not to let any of my skin/clothing touch the floor in the dressing room (or the clothes, come to think of it), Crazy Dressing Room Lady continued to yell over the loudspeaker: ‘PAM! IN HUMAN RESOURCES! YOU HAVE A CALL!!! ON LINE TWO!!!!!’ This went on for a good ten minutes (the ENTIRE time I was in the dressing room, no kidding). I was really starting to fear for Pam in HR’s life–after all, Oklahoma is a concealed weapon state, and this woman was clearly pissed.

I gathered up my stuff, thinking that I should really get as far away from this whole bad scene as possible. As I hung my sweats and swimsuits (none of which ‘worked out’) on the rack, Crazy Dressing Room Lady dialed the phone and said in a calm, polite voice: ‘Is Pam in this morning? Could you let her know that she has a call on line two? Thank you!’

But then, as I was checking out, the same woman came on the PA system: ‘LATISHA! YOU HAVE A CALL ON LINE FOUR!!!’ LaTisha happened to be ringing up my flip flops; she turned toward the part of the store where the dressing rooms are located (NOT near the checkout counter) and yelled, ‘Line four?’

And Crazy Dressing Room Lady yelled back (withouth the PA system), ‘Yes! Line four!

*It kills me to say it, but WalMart has the GREATEST flip flops in the entire world. They are rubber and flat and are super comfy, and they come in fabuous colors. I bought one pair of pink with daisies and another pair in black, with pink and white polka dots. FOR $1.94 EACH. You cannot beat that. I’ll be going back for two more pair, soon.