May 13, 2008

natural consequences

Tonight Wade and I had a Parenting Moment, you know the kind, where something occurs that seems totally innocuous until you stop for a moment to think about what just happened and you realize that OH MY GOD THIS IS ONE OF THOSE TEACHABLE MOMENTS except that you have NO IDEA what the lesson is so you flounder around until you land on something that seems to reinforce the Golden Rule and then you pat yourself on the back and hope like hell that you said the right thing and won’t regret this when the kids are in high school.

THAT kind of moment.

I will not bore you with the details of what happened (seriously, even as it was unfolding I was thinking how essentially stupid the whole thing was, except of course for the part about how we might do the wrong thing and scar the children FOR LIFE). I will tell you that I was in the kitchen preparing a healthy meal for my family (shut up, I was) while Wade managed The Situation, which meant multiple trips up and down the stairs to consult with me about what we were hoping the take-away was.

All that and no alcohol! Woo!

I’ve been thinking about my parents, about what they were like when my brother and I were kids. When Henry was a toddler, I told my mother-in-law that I felt like I should start every conversation with my parents by saying, “I’m sorry.”

“Why?” she asked. “What are you sorry for?”

“Oh, you know, just EVERYTHING. Things I don’t even remember doing. I’m sure there’s something to apologize for.”

The list is endless, in fact.

What I remember the most about my parents is the way they always had our backs. My mother was always happy to pretend that she wouldn’t let me go out when my friends were doing something I didn’t want to do, or when a creepy boy asked me out. My dad was always reminding us that if we were ever at a party and no one was sober enough to drive home, we could call him and he would come get us, no questions asked.

The night before Wade and I got married, I took him up on that and had him drive Wade and the best man to the hotel where they were staying. I think he liked that.

I remember being Henry’s age and getting into trouble, and having my mother say, “When your dad gets home I will need to talk about this with him.” That always freaked me out, not because my dad was tougher than my mom but because that meant that there would be no end run around the punishment, no claiming to one parent that the other parent had said something different.  I was going to be in trouble and there was going to be NO getting out of it.

They worked as a team, and they played good defense.

I have started, recently, to tell the boys that I will need to discuss things with their Daddy, and I can see the same look in their eyes that my brother and I used to get. My kids don’t get in any kind of real trouble, not yet at least (knock on wood) but Wade and I are trying to be consistent about consequences and privileges, which means we need to talk about things. What the kids don’t realize is that we’re not plotting against them, we’re just completely unable to remember what the punishment is if we haven’t talked about it.  And even then, there’s a 50/50 chance I will have to call Wade at work and confer with him about what precisely it was we told the kids would happen.

Parenting is hard, you know, especially when you have no short term memory.

Tonight when Wade was going up and down the stairs, and we were hashing out the solution to The Moment, I realized how much work it must have been for my parents to present that united front. And now I think that instead of saying I’m sorry every time I call, I should just go right for “thank you.”

So thank you, Mom and Daddy. My boys thank you, too.

Now about all that money you “loaned” me over the years …

May 10, 2008

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

* * * * *

Charlie has a friend at school, a charming little girl with wispy blond hair and gigantic blue eyes and round pink cheeks. She loves him, and has told her mother that when she grows up she’s going to marry him. He seems to feel similarly about her, too, once writing her a note, all by himself, that said I LOVE YOU in big preschooler scrawl and then asking if we could mail it to her house.

Yesterday we learned that Charlie’s little friend has been diagnosed with lymphoma. At carpool pickup, a small group of mothers huddled together, whispering over the heads of our children, not wanting them to hear our conversation. We shared what little we knew and wondered what we could do for this wee child and her family. Mostly we just stared at each other in complete shock.

* * * * *

Next week, I am returning to ParentDish. When I left, in October, to write for AisleDash, I swore that I was finished writing about parenting, that I was done having complete strangers call me out for being a terrible mother because my children have an early bedtime and aren’t allowed to leave their toys all over the house. And then there was the commenter who, on a random post about Angelina Jolie’s daughter carrying a tiny Louis Vuitton handbag, suggested that I should find something “more important” to write about. Of course, I thought, because all those thousands of words I had written about autism and literacy and breastfeeding weren’t very important.

* * * * *

When I started this blog, in 2005, I was feeling overwhelmed and isolated; I felt like a terrible parent, not because I put my kids to bed early or kept them on a schedule or said no to them, but because being a parent can be overwhelming and isolating. It’s the nature of the beast, I think, even when you have healthy, happy children and a loving, supportive family life. I started blogging because writing about feeling isolated and overwhelmed, putting the words down somewhere, made me feel a little less isolated and overwhelmed. And then, to my great surprise, other people started reading what I was writing, and to my even greater surprise, they understood, they got it, they were feeling the same way or had felt the same way. And it was like a light in the darkness because while I still felt like a terrible parent some days, I felt less like I was completely failing.

That’s not a new story, I know; mommyblogs are all about community and connection and about a whole generation of women who have found a way to talk about what it means to be the mommy, for better or worse. I am going back to ParentDish because it’s a great job, but I am also going back because that community — the bloggers, the readers who understand, who get it — is an important one and one I believe in, and one that we all need at some point, because the work of carrying someone else’s heart around, all the time, everywhere — and that’s what we do as parents, really — is so very difficult, even at the best of times.

* * * * *

Last night, after dinner, we took the kids to the park. Charlie and my niece were on the teeter totter together, screaming with laughter as they bounced up and down, Charlie hanging on with his one good arm. And my niece said, “Charlie, you are my BEST FRIEND. You are the BEST COUSIN EVER. I love you, Charlie.”

And Charlie said, “Thanks Ellie! I love you too!”

I can’t stop thinking about Charlie’s little friend and her family. I know that the community at our school and at the church will take care of them, I know that people are praying for them and pulling for them. My mommy heart just aches for them.

May 8, 2008

it was this or a boob job

I’m testing mascaras, again; the L’Oreal Lash Out has been working pretty well, except that it dries out after about three weeks and so I am constantly tossing the tube. On the one hand, it’s like six bucks at the drugstore, so it’s not a huge investment to buy a new tube every month, but it seems like a tube of mascara should last longer than three weeks.

I’m also experimenting, again, with water resistant but not waterPROOF formulas; I am still skeptical that there is a water RESISTANT formula that will actually stay on all day, but I am optimistic at heart. And I read in the new Lucky magazine that wearing waterproof mascara every day can dry out your lashes, which is NOT something I need to be worrying about.

At all.

Currently I am wearing Clinique’s High Impact Mascara, not because I have any insight about Clinique’s mascaras but because my mom recently bought so much stuff at the Clinique counter that they gave her THREE gifts-with-purchase, and she brought me one, and there was a mascara in the cute pink makeup bag. So after I read the dire warnings about waterproof mascara (it will make your lashes BREAK OFF! the horror!) I dug out this free mascara because why not? How bad can it be?

It’s not bad, really. Although by the end of the day, I do have a little bit of raccoon face going on. But since my day begins at 5:00 am and ends at like 10:30, it’s no wonder I have mascara on my face, is it?

Metalia has recommended Maybelline’s Define-A-Lash; she likes the rubbery brush, and I am charmed by the hot pink tube. She swears that she’s wearing it without any flaking or raccooning, and I believe her because she is a product goddess. So that’s on my short list as well.

Also! I bought a box of false eyelashes earlier this week! Because I’m not going to have a boob job, so I’m thinking that maybe longer, thicker lashes might be the key to eternal youth. But I’m a little unnerved by the fact that the lashes came with GLUE but not REMOVER. Should I be worried about that? How do I get the lashes OFF at the end of the day? Help me, Internet.

And recommend some mascara while you’re at it.

May 7, 2008

the Great Mascara Road Test returns

Things my random Clinique mascara has outlasted today:

Torrential rainstorm during carpool.

Half an hour of having Chris try to explain how I can change my blog’s header (still not changed! not Chris’ fault though).

Six minutes of the Today Show pointing out that mommyblogging is the Next Big Thing, and an Easy Money Maker! Plus the added bonus of Kathie Lee Gifford telling the world that she doesn’t know how a computer works and she isn’t sure Heather Armstrong should be talking about her daughter in such a public way — woo good thing Kathie Lee never talked about HER kids in a public forum (banging my head on the table repeatedly did NOT hurt the mascara! amazing).

Hair cut and color (it’s even this time! woo! and since I’m a “mommyblogger” I get to write about things like that).

Forty five minute conference call, during which I did laundry (multi-tasking, you all).

Eye doctor appointment for kid (because we don’t go to the doctor ENOUGH around here).

Playdate with cute neighbor child (honestly an extra kid is SO MUCH EASIER — like a wee affordable babysitter).

Tornado emergency, which included strapping the bicycle helmets on the kids and piling them into the bathroom, where Henry IMMEDIATELY decided he needed to pee and my cell phone stopped working and Charlie finally realized that tornadoes are SCARY SCARY THINGS.

The tornado emergency was the real test: 125 mph straight line winds! and actual tornadoes! in my neighborhood! or close at least, but it was hard for the Storm Trackers to see because of the torrential rain and the fog! Either way, it was hard not to wonder if we were going to die. Or just lose our roof. (Neither happened, although my neighbor and I are mad that we didn’t run out and push the fence between our houses over, because we really want a new one, and 125 mph winds seem like a fence disaster waiting to happen.) My mascara was most certainly tested to its not-waterproof limits.

Tonight, when Wade got home, I said, “These are the days that you should be glad we have a good marriage. Because under different circumstances, a storm like that very well could be the last straw.”

Oh no wait, the Today Show already WAS the last straw. My bad.

May 6, 2008

why we are never having family dinner again, ever

At the dinner table.

Henry: Dad, how did you know that Charlie’s arm was broken?

Charlie: Because it was BENT!

Me: Whoa, stop. Please.

Henry: But did you KNOW it was broken?

Wade: Yes.

Henry: How?

Charlie: IT WAS BENT!

Me: STOP. Please.

Henry: Come on, Dad, tell me. How did you know that Charlie’s arm was broken?

Charlie: Henry, he knew because it was BENT. Like THIS.

Me: OH MY GOD I AM BEGGING YOU TO STOP NOW.

Henry: How much was it bent? Like this? Or more like this?

Charlie: It was TOTALLY bent, just like this–

Me: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STOP NOW PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU.

And then Wade choked on his dinner because he was laughing so hard. The end.

May 3, 2008

recharged

For the last little while, by which I mean, oh, as long as we have lived in this house, which is nearly a YEAR now, you all, my laptop battery has been crapping out on me. Recently, like since my trip to New York, it started lasting a total of 11 minutes from the time I unhooked it from the wall plug (does that thing have a name? I’m sure it does) until it went into the Sleep of Death and demanded that I plug it back in if I wanted to finish whatever I was working on. I constantly had to find a plug if I wanted to work, which kind of limited where I could sit during the work day.

Oddly, this didn’t really bother me, because apparently my memory is very short and I had completely FORGOTTEN how much I loved things like taking the iBook into the sunroom to read my email or browse at J. Crew or sit on the sofa and IM with Chris about things we had talked about on the phone an hour earlier.

Oh and work. That too.

On Friday, I finally dragged myself to the Apple store and had a Genius diagnose the problem (the battery, she is dead! shocking, I know). As an aside, this is my second Apple Genius Bar experience, and while both Geniuses were professional and helpful, they both had the personality of a turnip and absolutely NO sense of humor. I’m funny, you all, especially when I am talking about my relationship to technology, but neither of these guys so much as cracked a smile. Apple, would it KILL you to teach the Geniuses to be smart AND funny? I think not.

Then again, the Geniuses fixed my beloved iBook, twice, so what am I bitching about? I have no idea.

Also last week, I was offered a job, a really good job, but in my dead battery state I didn’t think I could commit to it. And then I started to think that I couldn’t even keep up with the work I was currently committed to do so I cut back on a few things, and then I started to have some kind of Existential Crisis about, oh, I don’t know, EVERYTHING because OMG I CAN’T KEEP UP AND MY BATTERY IS DEAD. And I said no to the job.

And while I knew that it was the right thing to do, I also wondered if it was the wrong thing to do.

I lucked out, because after I declined the job they came back and offered it to me again. And when I told Wade, he said, “Take it. You know you want to.” And I realized that he was right. I do.

You know, now that I’ve got that new battery and everything.